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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

244 replies

WoodlandHills · 05/08/2012 17:49

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( Hmm ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

OP posts:
Krumbum · 09/08/2012 11:57

Most men after split ups are totally fine with it. Your dh is an anomoly.
Look at how men almost never try to be the main care giver or want ful custody. All the women posting on here about how they struggle to get their ex's to see their kids even once a week

Malificence · 09/08/2012 11:59

Why would any woman with even an ounce of self respect try to "enforce" monogamy on anyone? I've never had to waste my timewonder what my husband was up to /who he was with, even when he was away for weeks or months, what would be the point of that?

You can't make someone monogamous, any more than you can make a gay person straight, it's not some abstract concept, it's who a person is, a vital part of them and if someone can make an active choice to be monogamous (or not), that person isn't truly monogamous by nature.

Some people may like the idea of monogamy but that doesn't make it so, I like the idea of being taller, that doesn't mean I'm able to do it.

Working at a relationship/keeping your partner happy, is a totally different thing than chasing your tail, obsessively trying to prevent them from straying by being the perfect wife or husband.

As I said previously, it all boils down to respect, for yourself and for your partner.

Shullbit · 09/08/2012 12:02

I agree with whoever said way back that many affairs go on without being caught. I know of a male friend of my DP's who had an affair for 3 years, also whilst TTC with his partner. They ended up splitting over some other reason anyway, which is when I found out the truth. To this day, she still doesn't know about the affair, and the affair hadn't lead to anything more than that as he isn't with the OW.

Another female friend of a friend had an affair for a year. Apparently he is still non the wiser years down the line and they are still together.

My Father also got away with his affair (I am the result of said affair) and his wife etc still have no idea I exist. So he is still getting away with it 25 years after the act.

They are just a few. Many many go on behind peoples backs, and having seen it first hand, I know there is naff all I can do to stop DP if he was going to have an affair. And I refuse to sit and worry about it too as it won't change anything. You only have one life, no point spending it worrying over something out of your control.

Krumbum · 09/08/2012 12:04

Shullbit. Tell your fathers wife!

shorttermnamechange · 09/08/2012 12:07

Shullbit, do you see your father? Is he involved in your life?

If I was his wife, I would want to know and if I was you I would feel deeply resentful of him hiding me from his family.

Charbon · 09/08/2012 12:13

Bonsoir working to make a relationship sustainable and trying to prevent a partner from 'straying' are two entirely different things. The former is not a waste of time, assuming this 'work' is not unilateral and is matched by a partner's efforts. The latter however is a waste of time, because as an individual, you cannot control someone else's behaviour.

Bonsoir · 09/08/2012 12:15

You may not be able to control another person's behaviour, but you sure as hell can influence it.

Shullbit · 09/08/2012 12:29

I do feel deeply resentful. And if I knew her name, where they lived etc, I probably would turn up on his doorstep and tell the bastard coward what I think of him. I have tried many a time to find him online, but his name is rather popular and so far I have failed. My mother has told me I have older half siblings, which saddens me.

Charbon · 09/08/2012 12:33

Of course Bonsoir, but in many affairs it is not the partner's behaviour or the quality of the relationship that provides the push factor towards an illicit relationship. Therefore, a partner's 'influence' is negated because it was never about their behaviour in the first place. Having the 'perfect' marriage and being the 'perfect' partner are not only unattainable because there are no such things, but moreover there is no evidence to prove that they are effective as a preventative measure against infidelity.

wordfactory · 09/08/2012 12:39

I agree with chandon.

It really doesn't matter what you do and how happy you try to make your partner, if they are not inherently loyal, then at some point they will find somehting more interesting on the horizon and convince themselves that their current relationship isn't working.

Those people will then set up a new home and a new life with their new partner. They will swear that they didn't mean to hurt anyone (particularly DC) but, you know, this new partner is their one true love. They will believe it.

Worse, each new partner will beleive it. They are the one. The other relationships were all so very wrong.

But what they actaully have on their hands is a disloyal person. A relationship hopper. So waddya gonna do? You can't change that person.

Though I suppose one can hope that you're the last and the relationship hopper has got a bit knackered.

Bonsoir · 09/08/2012 12:43

Why should anyone be "inherently loyal"? Everyone ought to have their own boundaries and it is not because you are in a committed relationship that you should not defend yourself if agreed boundaries are violated.

wordfactory · 09/08/2012 12:50

I think many people enter into a relationship knowing they are going to be loyal. That it is an inherent part of their personality. Like being honest, or being funny or being whatever. We are who we are.

If their partner mistreats them, then they defend themselves by ending that relationship...not by running off having sex with someone else.

Indeed, there seems to little correlation between infedelity and the state of ones relationship. Though the unfaithful try to dress it up that way. They say their relationship was dreadful...but the fact is they remained in it Wink.

Bonsoir · 09/08/2012 12:53

I don't really agree with any of that, wordfactory. Humans are designed to be in couple relationships and they don't end one without another in sight unless they are pretty weird, or else very young and marketable.

wordfactory · 09/08/2012 13:06

I know that's common in Paris Bonsoir.

Many adults will go through two/three/four long term relationships wihtout a gap. Each new one will be the one and thus justfy the end of the last one.

But I remain unconvinced that it is a good way to live ones life. Or indeed a very grown up one. Children in particular are the losers.

Bonsoir · 09/08/2012 13:12

Divorce statistics are worse in the UK than in France, and people with children in France tend not to have DCs with subsequent partners which they do in the UK, so I'm not sure what your comments are supposed to mean.

We all have an ideal scenario in our heads of years of blissful monogamy with a single partner and raising our joint DCs together, but it doesn't always pan out that way and it's not a disaster.

gobblegobs · 09/08/2012 14:14

hear hear! bonsoir you hit the nail on the head!
Its not a disaster

GhostShip · 09/08/2012 19:01

Malifience - the monogamy/taller comparison... I dont get it. To cheat is a choice. We don't get a choice in how tall we are. That's sort of like saying they can't help it. Which they can.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/08/2012 19:37

Agree with Bonsoir. Some women in the UK seem hellbent on having children with every partner and that isn't so common elsewhere. I've never heard of a marriage or relationship that is held together with a baby.

I also think that there are many, many affairs going on right now, which nobody is aware of - and perhaps the clueless spouse posts on thread like this too.

GhostShip · 09/08/2012 19:46

I'm so glad I know mine isn't.

I work with him, we live together, go out together. We only go out on our own once a month or so. Some would find it suffocating I suppose but we love it

And the baby with every partner thing, I see this so much. It's ridiculous.

GhostShip · 09/08/2012 19:48

Even if we didn't. I know he wouldn't. But I supposed that's very naive.

jadebond007 · 09/08/2012 20:43

Really interesting thread.

I agree that the ideal of monogamy causes unnecessary upset when people fail to achieve it. Why are so many people failing? Are those people inherently weak, or stupid, or bad? Or are they just being human?

But then at the same time, I believe it is instinctual to try to keep someone else faithful to you, and to be upset when they aren't.

I dunno. We all need to eat, but some of us eat the wrong shit. Can't blame a chap for being hungry though!

solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2012 22:49

Human beings are not 'designed to be in couple-relationships' at all. Firstly, obviously, we were not designed, we evolved (don't bother bringing up your imaginary friend, that's your problem and not part of rational argument). Secondly, in evolutionary terms we're more tribal; early societies were not organised along monogamist lines, very early ones were more collectivist than anything else. Heteromonogamy is a construction designed for men's benefit, so men get to ensure that the children they are raising came from their own spunk, and also that they get to own women's domestic service on top.

GhostShip · 09/08/2012 23:11

Watching 'Cheaters' is an eye opener.

9/10 when they're caught, the woman they're cheating with will be like 'he wants me bitch, he loves me' fully expecting the man to go with her.
But the man will just completely want nothing to do with her, calling them sluts and saying it was just sex. They end up begging their wives back. Professing their love
Why do it then?!!

(this example could be the other way round by the way, not being sexist)

Whatmeworry · 10/08/2012 01:16

As I understand it, monogamy came about as agricuture started and loose hunter gatherer tribes spilt into more individual family units working defined land - the deal essentially was "I'll make sure they are all your kids if you help bring them up".

As SGB notes, humans are not naturally purely monogamous, and the best way to get the benefits of the above deal is to cheat. (Btw its not just huamsn who have the above deal, and most species that have it do cheat - both sexes)

Modern contraceptives a re a huge change to this milleni ld system, I think the impact is just starting to work its way through.

Whatmeworry · 10/08/2012 01:22

Indeed, there seems to little correlation between infedelity and the state of ones relationship. Though the unfaithful try to dress it up that way. They say their relationship was dreadful...but the fact is they remained in it

I see the opposite from quite a few people on this thread, the desire to lump all the blame on the unfaithful party, no ammter what their own behaviour was like. The perfect "blameless victim" excuse.

I don't buy it, its irrational and it also doesn't bear scrutiny. I've seen affairs by people who are serially unfaithful, but I've also seen affairs by people whose partners treated them poorly and I am sure most people here (if they were honest with themselves) have seen the same.

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