To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

Not necessarily. Robins are right sluts, I've heard. And pigeons are dirty bastards

Not harsh at all.

The fact is SGB got bored, which is not a sign of a great love to the end of time is it?

I think unless SGB had felt very deeply in love with someone and ended up hurt by them while still deeply in love, that perhaps the deep hurt others describe is unfathomable to them. That not being harsh on SGB, as it is human nature to not truly know how something feels until we have experienced it, unless you are very empathetic in nature.

SGB Im also interested as to why you think people bereave their partners then? Do you also take a similar view that if someone lost their partner to death rather than affair that they shouldn?t whine about?

Schoolworries, lots of people who are tediously obsessed with 'love' have affairs, because monogamy-obsessives beleive that fancying someone else means that the new person is your One True Love and therefore your current official partner is disposable.
As to being bereaved, that's something that happens to everyone; partners, family members, close friends all die and that hurts. But I would say that someone who is still refusing to talk or think about anything other than their loss five years down the line is someone who needs either some help or a good slap.l

Talking of great loves to the end of time, I've always had the sneaking suspicion that Romeo and Juliet wouldn't have lasted as longer than a couple of months if they hadn't had that almighty cock-up of crossed communication....

He did after all have his eye on Rosalind which to me indicates that he was just in it for the thrill of chasing forbidden fruit.

But your statements are illogical whatmeworry. No-one can have even partial responsibility for a decision that they were not privy to - and which was someone else's. What you're saying is also based on a rather narrow premise that the decision to have an affair is always connected to the health of a relationship. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons, many of which are unconnected to satisfaction levels in their relationships.

I think you're also confusing people's responsibility for their relationship with what you seem to think is their responsibility not to be deceived. If in a couple relationship, we are always jointly responsible for it, but we are never responsible for the other person's choices if those decisions are taken unilaterally and hidden from us.

The 'fault' of infidelity therefore always lies with the person who decided to do it and hide that decision from a partner. That doesn't however mean that if a poor relationship was the perceived cause of that decision, both parties are not responsible for its deterioration.

Charbon: surely the 'fault' lies in a system that expects people to go against their own natures, be frightened of their own natures, and devote themselves to policing each othere's genital activity rather than engaging with the world.

Well best of luck to SGB, your obviously happy with your choices and very happy with your life.

For me, group sex and no connection to a partner it would be my ideal of hell to be honest, but fair play to you for being true to yourself.

I dont think you can ever stop a partner cheating if they are the type of person who would cheat in the first place.

Some people just cant resist temptation and think they will get away with it without their partner finding out. Others just wont care.

I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me, not because i couldn't forgive them but because i would loss all respect for them. I take my vows very seriously and i expect my husband to do so as well.

SGB yes I agree that if society were constructed in such a way that didn't enforce monogamy as the default option, there would be no need for people who were unsuited to it, to enter into that arrangement. However, I think it's naive to think that some people wouldn't still choose monogamy, or that people wouldn't still get a thrill from a secret that only one other person knew about. Relationships are also not solely confined to 'genital activity' and therefore people will always be capable of feeling jealous or insecure in them. This also transcends sexual relationships. For example, some people often feel jealous about a friend getting closer to another friend, or about relatives who appear to favour one child more than another. So I don't think this is as much about monogamy and sex, but the need to feel special and attached in some way to a loved one. However society were constructed, living beings would still have that need.

I was interested in your assertion upthread that if monogamy were natural, there wouldn't be a whole industry trying to enforce it, but again I think that's a flawed equation. Sex is natural, but it also has a whole industry devoted to it. I agree that the romance and sex industries are flawed concepts that exploit consumers and cause human misery, but I don't think their existence per se is direct evidence of enforcing something that is unnatural. If the sex industry didn't exist, human beings would still have sex and if the romance and love industry didn't exist, people would still form attachments.

I didn't think I was twisting anything. And I still don 't know what cop-out you are talking about. IME the 'cop-out' is the one used by the unfaithful partner uses to justify their behaviour.

Sgb - I tend to agree with you that monogamy isn't a natural state. It has massive inconveniences and demands constant compromise. But got many people it is a bargain worth making. And if you are going to make that bargain you have to stick to your side. And sexual/ emotional exclusiveness is part of that. But nothing you can do will force/persuade your partner to abide by that if they decide otherwise, nor should it - it has to be something both parties choose to do and policing or jumping through hoops to please will simply not work.

Apologies to the men who may be on this thread, but I always wonder why is it that women devote so much time to discuss issues of infidelity.
I am not being fictitious. Do we hurt more if involved in a love triangle or do we stand to lose more? Can't imagine men discussing the need to affair proof a marriage in the pub.
As far as my simple mind works, you can affair proof a marriage as much as you can recession proof your business! You can just be sure you put in your best and fulfill your side to the commitment. You can't control anything else be it the economic climate or your partner's roving eye. If when the dust settles, you can look back and think, I did my best, you move on. If not you re examine the relationship and bring about changes in both your behaviors. I agree with the ones who have mentioned It takes three for an affair.
Happy to be flamed.

Gobblegobs: Ah, that's another factor in the cult of monogamy: it's a way to waste women's time. If women are encouraged to devote a large part of their lives to enforcing monogamy on allegedly reluctant males (or rather, trying to please the men so they won't cheat, worrying about whether other women are more attractive etc) then women are suspicious of one another, focussed on their own lives and don't have the time to plot a revolution or engage with the wider world in any way.

Wow, have just come back to this thread, some really interesting discussions here and some especially thought provoking comments from solidgoldbrass

No I don't think you can. I've got a theory that some people are prone to having affairs and some aren't interested. But I agree that you just never know. Sometimes the most unlikely people are the ones that are having secret affairs.

" If women are encouraged to devote a large part of their lives to enforcing monogamy on allegedly reluctant males (or rather, trying to please the men so they won't cheat"

I've always wondered at the incongruency between the prevalent image of bridezilla women coaxing their commitment-phobe men into marriage and the reality that most divorces are initiated by women. It does suggest a certain shattering of illusions along the way.

Well. lucky me to have found the only man in the world who is just as committed to our marriage as me

Or more likely, some people need to stop basing their sexist ideas on sterotype and myth and realise men are, shock, are not homogenous and plently are deeply commited to family life and ensuring the sucess of. Infact this will really shock you- some are more commited and concerned about their wife cheating than vice versa.

It's a feminist issue gobblegobs that the sex, romance and media industries, (not to mention ghastly self-help books) target women with various entreaties about 'How to stop a man from straying', whereas there is no equivalent for men. But that's not to say that men hurt less, or have less to lose if a partner is unfaithful. It just means that they haven't been socialised to have a default setting of blaming themselves when someone treats them badly and haven't been subjected to an onslaught of media pressure that if they put on weight, get older, or ever slacken in their efforts to be the perfect man, their partners will look elsewhere.

But sensible women recognise that this is a complete con and ultimately pointless, because trying to control someone else's behaviour doesn't work and feeling responsible for it is madness. So they don't waste their time obsessing about something over which they have no control anyway. If someone tells them that it takes 3 to have an affair, they'll assume that's in reference to a threesome and not some mis-placed responsibility on a third party who made no active decisions and had no knowledge of the other two's actions.

Women have looked for ways to stop the fathers of their children from straying since time immemorial - nothing wrong with it.

There's plenty wrong with it. It doesn't work and it wastes women's time.

Maybe men ought to worry about this more because when a woman cheats, she still keeps the kids if the marriage ends, just as she does if the man cheats (in most cases anyway). Men actually have a lot more to lose when it comes down to it.

"it wastes women's time."

Working at your relationship to make it sustainable is a waste of time?!

Shorter, they still see their kids! Just most men don't want to have full custody so would not consider that a loss.

I would be horrified to not live with my dc and not see them every day and I know that my dh would feel the same, which is why I cannot for the life of me, see why they risk living in that very situation, by cheating on their wives. I find it hard to get into the mind of a parent who would happily not see their kids every day.

Lots of working parents don't see their children every day.

Anyone can affair proof their half by simply not doing it, it's the OH you can't affair proof.

Keeping communication open is the key but if either of you wants to cheat-then the other can't stop it.

Giving a serial cheat multiple chances is setting yourself up for heartache and repeats but not all cheaters do it a second time- some realise what they almost lost, some don't get a second chance and some get better at hiding.

Marrying someone or having a baby does not stop someone cheating, ensure commitment or ensure someone changes in the way you want. I know several who went on to marry men with whom they had those issues and really did have a clue from their behaviour in the relationships and should have avoided doing those things just to 'force change'

Some people still cheat when everything is rosy. My friend did this and bitterly regrets it because he got shot of her for it. She did it with a lot of her partners but he was the only one who broke up with her over it and refused to give her 2nd/3rd/4th chances. As a result he's now 'the one that got away' and the 'one she loved' (apparently). She hasn't cheated since losing him so maybe she got a clue.

Others cheat when things aren't but either don't want to tell/talk/communicate or their partner refuses to acknowledge the issues. Of course the latter doesn't excuse cheating in the slightest but it emphasizes how important communication is)

On another note for spectators: some that you may see as cheating (as an outside) actually aren't. Numerous times a friend of mine has been told 'you husband is cheating' or vice versa he is told she is, only for them to have t sigh and reiterate what an open marriage is.