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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want exp to take the kids on holiday abroad?

239 replies

hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:06

we split up 8 years ago and he has never taken them on holiday.

this summer holiday he has offered to have them one extra day, that's it. he couldn't spare anymore time off work. he then announced he was going away with his girlfriend.

I pointed out that he was a selfish knob and since then he has asked several times if the kids have passports.

I don't trust him to look after them properly abroad, he can't swim and won't get in the water, how can he supervise 4 of them?

part of me thinks he is just trying to make a grand gesture and upset me.I could never afford to take the kids abroad, but I have spent years holidaying with them in this country, why does he get to give them the holiday that I can't.

I also panic about long journeys and like us to all be together. if the plane is going to crash, I want to be on it with them.

so am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 12:22

Gullying? Bloody phone should say 'full time'!!

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 12:22

May I refer you to this, again

And I think I have said this several times now, I would probably let them go, providing exp can reassure me he will look after them properly, but I don't want them to.

OP posts:
kim147 · 04/08/2012 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 12:23

Simply start with the fact that he needs to apply for passports before he books it. I'm sure that it will fall at the first hurdle of applying for 4 passports at £49 each and the cost of the approved photo for 4.
I'm sure that he will find it much more sensible to holiday alone with GF and go somewhere at home if he wants to take them. This is probably an argument about nothing. Unless you are showing him in a very unfair manner, he simply doesn't sound the sort to get it all organised and booked-bearing in mind it can't be last minute.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 12:24

The 14 yr old is not far off being able to holiday alone and I'm sure that an 8yr old won't starve!

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 12:24

He can have them whenever he wants, he only has to ask. I have never said no to any requests he has made. The kids quite often ask to stay over extra nights, sometimes they want to stay by themselves so they get some time alone with him. He does this every now and then.

He runs his own business and lives about 20 mins from me.

OP posts:
AnnoyingOrange · 04/08/2012 12:25

I don't know why some posters have given you such a hard time OP

I would be concerned in your shoes. I worry about my kids going on school trips as do most mums I know.

If you spend most of your days being the primary carer of course you will worry about whether ex h is up to the job of taking proper care of them for a week.

Squeegle · 04/08/2012 12:29

olympia gullying- that made me chuckle!

Squeegle · 04/08/2012 12:31

Ps quite agree with annoying orange. Can see why you'd be concerned. But there has been good advice on here re getting a plan as well as a lot of reactionary nonsense

akaemmafrost · 04/08/2012 12:38

I don't think the holiday will happen either. Right from the moment you say "ok well get their passports sorted then Smile".

I have learned to avoid a row with ex when he comes up with these kinds of ideas by saying absolutely nothing because 9.9 times out of 10 it doesn't come off anyway.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 12:40

The 14 yr old is not far off being able to holiday alone and I'm sure that an 8yr old won't starve!

And based on that, you would be fine with it if it was your kids would you exotic? Hmm

I cannot Shock at the amount of posters who wouldnt allow that for their kids, but think the OP should just get over it.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 12:41

I am Shock , even

OfMiceandCats · 04/08/2012 12:44

This makes me larf. If the OP hasn't been able to persuade him to have them at all this summer, what on earth makes you think he'll agree to a programme of increased contact so that, by the time this fantasy of a holiday abroad comes around, he'll be used to having them for more than 2 days??

He picks and chooses his time to have them, dumps them home when they become challenging and prefers to take time off to spend with his gf rather than his children. That's a real recipe for a successful holiday abroad, isn't it, even without factoring in any swimming issues??

CuriousMama · 04/08/2012 12:45

No I wouldn't like this either. I'd be making sure he takes the time off and spends it with them in the UK first (or whatever country you live in). To give him and them a trial run so to speak. If one has a tendency to bolt and does it in a foreign country then that would worry me more. What work do you do? Could you 'invent' a course you need to go on?

He doesn't sound very mature tbh. Any dad worth their salt would know there's a balance between fun dad and stepping up to the plate and taking charge.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 14:35

And based on that, you would be fine with it if it was your kids would you exotic?

You have to allow for the fact that they have another parent who is equal.

I really don't think it is a problem-tell him they haven't got passports and his first job is to get them all a passport and then don't mention it again. Based on the information given he won't get organised. (if he does pay out £200, in plenty of time, it will prove that he is more responsible than thought).

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 14:37

Posts make it sound as if he is an extra child and can only do as he is told by the other parent-I would bet that OP would hate to be dictated to by her ex in a similar way.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 14:44

Thinking about it there are only 2 ways:

  1. He is very well organised and he gets 4 passports and books the holiday with all the necessary arrangements.
  1. It is all talk and doesn't get off the ground.

I would bet on the second- but if it turns out to be the first he has proved that he is more responsible than OP thought.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 04/08/2012 15:10

My XH does 'the bare minimum' but he does a week in the summer each year. This has happened 3 times. It doesn't mean he's unable to cope just because it hasn't happened before.

My kids cons back wrecked, and having eaten crap for a week. But I will never have my children saying that I stopped their dad seeing them when he wanted. My XH also never asks for extra I just see that as his loss tbh.

I think you should do as others have said tell him your licit image worried and keep the others to yourself

OfMiceandCats · 04/08/2012 15:36

I don't think you can call someone who does 10% of the childcare an equal parent, tbh. That's rather insulting to the one who does 90% and the one who has to pick up the pieces when the 10%er dumps the kids because he doesn't want to have to deal with the shit stuff. Anyone can be a brilliant parent when they only get the children doing exciting stuff and all in good moods. The real parent is the one who deals with the shit on a daily basis with the occasional brilliant stuff. I wouldn't call them equal parents. Legally perhaps but emotionally? Morally? No.

I seriously doubt that he's going to organise it all. After all if he has to dump them back on a weekend when they play up, what's he going to do with them by himself on holiday in a foreign country? I would be happier, if I were the OP, if he offered to take them somewhere in the UK first, because, if he finds he isn't able to cope, it's a lot easier to bring them back again.

HildaOgden · 04/08/2012 15:54

He is their dad,while he might not look after them in precisely the same way you would while on holiday,he will look after them.He won't let harm come to them.

Step back and get your head around it...he wants to bring them on holiday,they will want to go on holiday....don't be the one that stands in the way of it happening.They have very few years left in their childhood when all four of them will be able to holiday together with their dad....let them have at least one experience of it.(You are seriously projecting your fears of drowning,air crashes etc onto the situation,stop that.It's wrecking your head and is statistically irrational....plus it gives both your ex and the children the chance to dismiss you as neurotic).

Regarding him going on other holidays...you say he has them 50 days a year?So for 50 days a year you have no work or children to take care of?Whereas,for most of the year he is either A) working B)having the kids on access weekends.....try not to be bitter about him using a couple of weeks a year being child/work free.Seriously (and I know Im going to be flamed for this!!!).....when you think about it,you have more free time to yourself than he does.Him spending some of that time alone with his partner honestly doesn't sound that unreasonable to me.He's obviously providing well for the children if he is paying for your eldest to have 2 foreign school trips next year.

Don't let your own bitterness (because yes,your argument on this one does sound like bitterness,IMO) spoil your childrens chance of having one foreign holiday with their dad while they are still all children.They won't forgive you.

NotaDisneyMum · 04/08/2012 16:13

OP -on the one hand, you are happy with your DCs being in their Dads care and you encourage him to take more responsibility; you feel sorry for your DCs for not having more time with their Dad.
But now he is asking to spend more time with them, you fear for their safety?

If your fears are so real that you would restrict your DCs contact with their Dad to only certain situations that you are happy with, then I suggest you introduce a supervised contact only arrangement immediately - if he is irresponsible enough to put his DCs at risk when on holiday, then he certainly can't be trusted with their regular care Sad

OfMiceandCats · 04/08/2012 16:14

That's bollocks. He has far more free time. Every evening when he has finished work and the weekends when he doesn't have the children. Whereas the OP has them 24/7 for one week and 24/5 the next. He has the 24/2 every other week. Not sure I can see how the OP gets more free time to herself.

And, imo, the very unfair part of all this is that he can choose when he has them. The OP never has that choice. And, even when he's chosen to have them, he can choose to dump them back early because it's too much like hard work.

seeker · 04/08/2012 16:18

So nobody who can't swim should be allowed to take children, all over the age of 8, on holiday?

Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 16:21

Oh forgot to ask.... Is there a court order for access?

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 16:43

No there isn't a court order.

thank you ofmice for saying what I was going to say. Exp has a bloody sight more spare time than I do. Maybe it works differently in your house and the minute your kids are asleep you skip off and leave them to it Hmm

Also do not make the mistake of thinking that because he can afford to pay for foreign holidays, I must be raking it in in maintenance. How much he gives me, has very little to do with how much he has himself.

Notadisney, i have not said i fear for their safety. I would just rather he had more experience in looking after them in his own home/this country before he takes them abroad.

OP posts: