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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want exp to take the kids on holiday abroad?

239 replies

hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:06

we split up 8 years ago and he has never taken them on holiday.

this summer holiday he has offered to have them one extra day, that's it. he couldn't spare anymore time off work. he then announced he was going away with his girlfriend.

I pointed out that he was a selfish knob and since then he has asked several times if the kids have passports.

I don't trust him to look after them properly abroad, he can't swim and won't get in the water, how can he supervise 4 of them?

part of me thinks he is just trying to make a grand gesture and upset me.I could never afford to take the kids abroad, but I have spent years holidaying with them in this country, why does he get to give them the holiday that I can't.

I also panic about long journeys and like us to all be together. if the plane is going to crash, I want to be on it with them.

so am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:32

I assume you are the primary carer soupdragon? if he took an active role in looking after the kids and had holidayed with them before, I wouldn't have a problem. the problem is he has no experience in looking after them for an extended period and I'd rather he didnt try it out on a foreign holiday.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 04/08/2012 01:33

How often does he have them Hot? Does he have them overnight or for long weekends?

whattocallmyself · 04/08/2012 01:33

YABVU

Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 01:34

Well he could maybe increase his access between now and the holiday? So it all becomes more familiar....maybe suggest this?

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:34

they range between 7 and 13, I can't afford swimming lessons. they go with the school but don't seem to be making any progress.

OP posts:
Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:36

he has them every other weekend. I have never said no to more access, he doesn't want it. I think he had them for a week once, but that was years ago.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 04/08/2012 01:37

:o yes and maybe on these extended access visits they can go unicorn hunting!

It wont happen because its perfectly clear that he only said it in response to the OP pointing out his selfishness. I would bet a years wages that this time next year there will be no holiday abroad, no matter how accomodating the OP is.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 04/08/2012 01:38

I don't blame you one bit. He's not exactly falling over himself to parent them in this country... which might be a good place to start. I'd tell him that if he wants to sort out their passports and step up to the mark before then, that of course he can take them... you can be fairly sure he wont do either of those things.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:41

no I imagine he will have a lot on at work.

last summer my dd had daily melt downs because he kept putting off when they were going to stay, she was so upset and angry. he had tbem for a few days at the end of the holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:44

yes, if he had done it in this country then fair enough, but he's never bothered. he has had several holidays with his gf though. he had a couple of days off for her birthday recently, but no time off for his kids.

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 04/08/2012 02:02

YABVU.

There as much his children as they are yours. The only part of your post that is relevant is the swimming. My dm can't swim and has taken my 3 DC on holiday, its not that bigger deal.

You could insist he goes to a pool with a lifeguards which any reputable places will have, also what about people who use a kids club, parents being able to swim is unimportant. Has he even said he is taking them on a pool holiday.

CaliforniaLeaving · 04/08/2012 04:25

YABU he's the Dad like it or not.
Tell him he'd have to organize the passports he'd never get them in time for this summer anyway, let him find that out on his own and it'd be expensive for 4 at once.
With the youngest being 7 you can train the older ones how to blow up and put arm bands and blow up rings on the younger ones and they'd have a brilliant time.
But I doubt he'd take them anyway, he's probably trying to rattle your cage and make you the bad guy for saying no and he'll hang it over you, reminding the kids as needed, well I wanted to take you to......... But your mum wouldn't have any of it, she wanted you to stay home.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 04/08/2012 05:27

Sorry YABU I'm afraid. XH tried to tell me I had to ask his permission to take dcs for a weeks holiday in menorca last year. I told him where he could shove it! If he was taking them away I would expect to be informed not asked (although he would need to check with me before booking that they had up to date passports) as he is their father. Reguardless (sp? It's too damn early in the morning) of the fact that he only had them every other weekend and doesn't do 'extras'. He did have them for a week this summer, they were promised 2 things in that time. Neither happened when they were with him it was always 'tomorroe' so now I'm paying for these things to happen so my kids aren't too disappointed. (sorry in off on a tangent)

The crux of the matter is, he is their dad and has as many rights to take them away as you do. You're right it sounds like sour grapes and tbh I think I would feel the same if my XH was giving the dcs something I could only dream of. But your main priority has to be their happiness.

As for the swimming every place we've been to have had lifeguards and even my very I confident 7yo dd can float in armbands without needing constant 'supervision' so I think you are slightly overreacting on this (although that point is more valid than the one about the aeroplane Hmm)

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 04/08/2012 05:29

Sorry very 'unconfident' I really should preview!

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 06:47

Why don't you suggest a few days at disneyland Paris if the swimming is such a big issue for you? Or somewhere that isn't by the sea? Not all holidays have to be sun, sea and sand.

Or say to your ex that swimming is an issue, so can he pay for swimming lessons for the kids so you feel confident that they can cope and secure to let them go with him?

MissPants · 04/08/2012 07:08

Why do NRP rights to take their children away automatically trump the children's rights to be cared for and kept safe properly?

I love my DH dearly, but on a practical level he's useless safety wise. He's super hands on and adores spending time with our DC but he is waaaaay more relaxed with them than I am. The amount of times I have told him (and MIL) "don't let them do that, this will happen" and they have... and it has...

DD1 is currently sporting a broken front tooth due to the latest of such incidents. I wouldn't let him take ours away on his own, not while I'm still having to ask "did you just leave the 2 year old alone with the 12 week old"? And dashing in to find said toddler tucking him in, with a blanket, in the face.

TBH it doesn't sound like you XH really wants to take them anyway. But I really think if it comes down to a question of rights, you should be looking at the children's right to enjoy a holiday with their father and not his rights to take them. If you think they would have a great time then don't obstruct it without at least talking to him about your safety concerns first.

Maybe ask him if he would be prepared to take swimming lessons with your non swimming DC? If he really wants to take them and can afford it then he'll do everything he can to keep them safe and put your mind at rest. If on the other hand he would rather be there with his GF alone then I would be a lot more concerned about his attention being elsewhere on the holiday.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 07:37

Does he have to agree with every single thing that you do with the DCs? Do you ask his permission to go swimming, go on holiday etc? You are equal parents.
I would let him do the passport applications, he probably won't want the cost and they won't come in time. Make sure your DCs can swim.
I would go along with it- I doubt whether he will.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 07:38

the swimming isn't my main concern but it is a valid one. I'm not sure why a fear of flying is causing raised eyebrows, It's hardly unusual.

as I said earlier, I would rather he had a bit of practice looking after them in this country and for longer than 2 nights before he takes them abroad.

maybe I will invite him to step up to the plate and have some swimming lessons and look after them for longer. he won't do it though, I'd put money on it.

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exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 07:48

They are more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash!

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 07:50

Every time you put them in the car they are in much more risk than a holiday flight.

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 07:52

Apart from the fact that from your description I would rather have mine strapped in a plane with a professional pilot, who has his own family and intends to see them grow up, than your ex! You are being irrational on that point!

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 07:57

I know and I panic about that as well. whenever I take them on a long Journey I breathe a sigh of relief when we get there safely. my dad died in a car crash so Maybe I spend too much time worrying about what could happen.

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exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 08:00

It is irrational - you worry about the long journey- most accidents are 2 miles from home when you don't give it a thought!

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:02

most fears are irrational aren't they?

I'm sure I have seen threads from people worried about school holidays, pgl etc. sending your kids off without you, worrying about things happening when they are far away from you. this is no different.

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exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 08:07

Sorry, I am giving you a hard time - wouldn't like it. However - you have the problem of an equal parent and you wouldn't want him stopping you from a nice holiday if you had one planned.
He sounds to me as if it is talk. Passports are a terrible price now - if you say he has to do it if he wants to take them - I am sure that he will fall at the first hurdle!