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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want exp to take the kids on holiday abroad?

239 replies

hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:06

we split up 8 years ago and he has never taken them on holiday.

this summer holiday he has offered to have them one extra day, that's it. he couldn't spare anymore time off work. he then announced he was going away with his girlfriend.

I pointed out that he was a selfish knob and since then he has asked several times if the kids have passports.

I don't trust him to look after them properly abroad, he can't swim and won't get in the water, how can he supervise 4 of them?

part of me thinks he is just trying to make a grand gesture and upset me.I could never afford to take the kids abroad, but I have spent years holidaying with them in this country, why does he get to give them the holiday that I can't.

I also panic about long journeys and like us to all be together. if the plane is going to crash, I want to be on it with them.

so am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
JumpingJackSprat · 04/08/2012 11:20

This is one of those threads where id love to see the other side of the story.

lunar1 · 04/08/2012 11:24

Call his bluff, he can take them but he needs to increase his time with the children. Not just the fun things either. The school run, homework, having them mon-fri a few times. He might be their dad but he is not their parent. If you had 50/50 responsibility then of course he could take them but he doesn't.

People would not be saying it is ok to take them if it was anyone else that saw your children every other weekend. They would tell you your children your choice, once your ex proves to be a parent then he can have that choice too.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 11:31

There are 4 kids btw, not 3. The middle 2 are hard work, always have been and exp does find it difficult and so do I tbh. I am taking them away on my own this year, normally I have my mum as back up, but I am doing it by myself and I am nervous. I am nervous because I know what they're like and how easily things can escalate.

I mentioned earlier the other summer when exp changed the dates repeatedly and dd couldn't cope. Every time he dropped them back to mine, she would try to go after him. She would climb over our back wall and run off, she has been known to this on several occasions. It was the most miserable summer I have ever had. Exp would just walk away and leave me to deal with the fall out.

There is too much history and numerous examples of stuff that I could mention. I would probably get accused of drip feeding though. I have tried to give examples of the things that worry me, but I am clearly a paranoid freak.

It isn't that I don't want my children to have a lovely holiday abroad, I would just rather they went with a dad that had a bit more experience of what actually dealing with them on a day to day basis is like.

In exp's defence, he does have them regularly and he doesn't mess about with that contact. It is just that he seems unwilling to put himself out to go that little bit extra for them. He does the bare minimum.

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 04/08/2012 11:32

In response to some earlier posters.

"If the other parent hasn?t got a residence order, they can?t take them outside of the UK unless you and everyone else who has parental responsibility agrees."

From Direct. Gov

kim147 · 04/08/2012 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 11:45

Yes, he has them regularly for the weekend, never a week though.

OP posts:
bogeyface · 04/08/2012 11:49

A man who has kids the bare minimum of every other weekend will have no clue what its like to care for them full time. The OP has already talked about him walking away when their DD became distressed and hard to handle, so what will he do if that happens when he is away with them on his own?

sorry but this is a terrible idea until he has spent at least a couple of weeks, a couple if times, on his own with them.

I refuse to accept that the kids "right" to a holiday with their dad is more important than their safety and care.

And its all fairly academic anyway as I am certain that this holiday wont happen any more than I will go to the moon.

janey68 · 04/08/2012 11:52

Gosh telepathic powers too bogeyface.

kim147 · 04/08/2012 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 11:53

:)

Meet you here in a year Janey?

Sarcasm is the last refuge in an argument, I am sure you can do better than that!

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 11:56

Well obviously, at home where if things get too much for him to cope with, the OP can bring them home.

Are you seriously suggesting that its ok for him to spend his first ever week alone with them, in a foreign country with no back up? With a troubled DD that he has never dealt with but left for the OP to cope with? Just because he is offering them a holiday?

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 11:57

Thank you bogey. He has had the last 8 years to spend a week with them kim, he chose not to. He has chosen not to spend any time with them at all these summer holidays. He has hinted that he might take them abroad next year. next year, not october half term or at easter etc, next summer. He's not that desperate to spend a week with them.

Actually I don't know why I am worrying because I doubt if he will follow through. I would love to meet you back here in a year with an update.

OP posts:
janey68 · 04/08/2012 12:00

So hotsauce, you're now saying you find 2 of the kids difficult to handle yourself, and are anxious about taking them away this year. Does your ex try to stop you doing that, simply because you find your children challenging? I bet he doesn't.

I also notice earlier you said your ex is paying for the oldest to do a school trip abroad next year, and that you're already stressing about that, and whether the coach will crash etc

TBH I think you are transferring a lot of your own anxieties onto this situation. Your ex sees his children regularly, and even though he sometimes doesn't manage them as well as you would like, he could probably equally say the same about you. 4 children are hard work, particularly so if two have challenging behaviour - he probably won't find it a breeze, but then neither do you.

And you know what, this is one of these 'no win' scenarios.... if he takes them on holiday and copes fine and the children love it, you'll be back posting on here saying 'It's so unfair, I have to cope with the kids day to day and then they go off and have a fabulous holiday with my ex' - and you'd no doubt be backed up by all the posters who want to jump on the bandwagon and slate the NRP for either not doing enough with their kids, or for doing it too well.

Damned if they do and damned if they don't.

kim147 · 04/08/2012 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 12:09

I do find their behaviour challenging, but I have to deal with it. I do not have the option to drop them off at exp's house when the going gets tough. If I find it hard and I am used to them, I care for them 300 days of the year after all, how will he cope when he only has them 50 days a year and only 2 days at a time?

The fact is, he can't cope with them for longer than 2 days. I struggle but I do it anyway. He knows I find it hard at times but he doesn't step in to take over, I just get on with it.

Someone else said it further up, he is their dad but he isn't parenting them. He is picking and choosing his involvement.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/08/2012 12:10

He's got a year before the 'proposed' holiday.

He can learn to swim. Every adult should at least attempt to learn to swim unless they have a real fear of water (by that I mean medical phobis) not just "I don't like water".
I flipping detest swimming but I can swim pretty well, as can my DC.

If he is so flakey WRT arrangements, it's probably best not to mention the holiday to the DC until much nearer the time.
If he does book it (which as you say seems unlikely) but IF he does, and it's looking like he's going to let them down, they will be devastated.

In your shoes OP, I would get him to agree that in the event he cannot go, then he will transfer his ticket to your name.
And if he has booked his GF, then someone in your family could buy that ticket?

Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 12:13

How do you know he can't cope with them for more than 2 days? Has he tried it? What happened?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/08/2012 12:13

If it's a villa holiday there probably won't be a lifeguard (private or shared pool with a few other villas. So he needs to be able to swim.

It is completely unfair/irresponsible to put a 14 yo in charge of the safety of a sibling in a strange swimming pool.

kim147 · 04/08/2012 12:16

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 12:16

No he hasn't tried it Olympia, he hasn't tried because he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/08/2012 12:17

You know somewhere in all this are children

Children who will quite likely resent the hell out of you for stopping them going on a great holiday abroad with their Dad (if indeed the holiday offer is real)

You say... In exp's defence, he does have them regularly and he doesn't mess about with that contact. It is just that he seems unwilling to put himself out to go that little bit extra for them. He does the bare minimum

So he does the bare minimum?

Whilst I can see how annoyed that must make you, is it really a good enough reason to possibly make your children resent you forever?

Because that is a real possibility.

kim147 · 04/08/2012 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 12:19

He is going on holiday with his gf this year, he can't spare the time from work to take the kids away or spend time at home with them. He had them for a week once I think, but that was about 4 years ago, hasn't happened again.

I would love him to spend more time with them, not because I want a break, although it is nice, but because they want to spend more time with him. I want the kids to be happy.

OP posts:
janey68 · 04/08/2012 12:21

OK. Let's suppose you sit down and plan a programme of him having the kids for increasing periods of time, working up to a week.
He still can't help your irrational fear about planes, and travelling in general. Neither can you insist that he learns to swim. No parent can seriously INSIST that the other parents learns to. It would be more useful for the kids to learn to swim anyway. Neither of my parents swam, yet they took us on beach holidays from a young age.

Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 12:21

So you are guessing?

So if he could have them more, when could it be? He works gullying I assume? Does he live very local?

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