Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want exp to take the kids on holiday abroad?

239 replies

hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:06

we split up 8 years ago and he has never taken them on holiday.

this summer holiday he has offered to have them one extra day, that's it. he couldn't spare anymore time off work. he then announced he was going away with his girlfriend.

I pointed out that he was a selfish knob and since then he has asked several times if the kids have passports.

I don't trust him to look after them properly abroad, he can't swim and won't get in the water, how can he supervise 4 of them?

part of me thinks he is just trying to make a grand gesture and upset me.I could never afford to take the kids abroad, but I have spent years holidaying with them in this country, why does he get to give them the holiday that I can't.

I also panic about long journeys and like us to all be together. if the plane is going to crash, I want to be on it with them.

so am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
kim147 · 04/08/2012 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 04/08/2012 09:48

I never get these "he's their Dad, he'll be fine, he has just as much right as you do blah blah blah" responses. Yet in every instance we are supposed to "trust your gut instinct". The OP has concerns around 4 kids going on holiday with someone who doesn't bother that much with them and doesn't swim or go in water! If he wasn't their Dad it would be "no way!"

My ex is a drunk who loves his kids, granted but puts alcohol first every time and if my kids went away with him I KNOW he would drink and possibly become unwakeable as he has done previously, he doesn't take my child's SN seriously and has put him in positions of danger, one of which involved sending him down a slide because it would be "fun" into a deep pool, from which the lifeguard had to extract him.

I posted about having concerns on here about him taking them away and was told over and over "he's their Dad", "your kids will love it", "it's not about you" etc.

If someone's a fuckwit and you are scared and worried about them having your kids there is often a VERY good reason for that and doesn't make one jot of difference if it's a parent, but the default position on here is he is their Dad (or Mum I am sure on occasion) ignore your gut, tough shit.

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 09:50

Not every holiday involves water/swimming!

janey68 · 04/08/2012 09:50

It's not a competition. You don't enter parenting thinking 'in 20 years time who are my children going to like most?'

The children have every right to a relationship with both parents. Relationships are organic anyway... They may go through phases of being closer to one parent then the other. And some parents are just naturally tuned in to certain stages more than others. I am close to my mum now as an adult, but went through stages of barely speaking in my teens!

Just stop thinking you can control their emotions and how they are going to feel. Children are savvy little things anyway and will pick up on any whiff of you doing that

akaemmafrost · 04/08/2012 09:51

Well clearly this one does or the op wouldn't have mentioned it.

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 09:55

Clearly the op could say that she would be happy for him to take them somewhere that wouldn't involve swimming - as has already been mentioned.

It doesn't appear that a holiday has been booked yet.

LilyBolero · 04/08/2012 10:06

Yanbu. It doesn't sound like he would be interested in the extra care needed to keep kids safe abroad ( just because things are different). Would he check hotel balconies? Would he remind them to take extra care on roads because of driving on the other side? Would he be with them in the evenings?

I think the OP has had an un-necessarily hard time here. If a non-resident parent doesn't share in the care of their children on an ordinary basis (assuming they aren't prevented from doing so by the resident parent) then I think they don't have the right to sweep in, whisk the kids off abroad as a grand gesture.

If however he was taking a fair share of the care then I think it would be reasonable for them to go, assuming they will be safe.

janey68 · 04/08/2012 10:08

It's not about the NRPs rights, it's about the childrens

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 10:12

I am making assumptions about the type of holiday it will be, because I know the type of holiday that the kids would love, a villa holiday with a pool. He might not be thinking of that at all. I would find a trip to Euro Disney for example, much easier to cope with.

I guess I will have to wait and see what he comes up with and then discuss my concerns with him.

OP posts:
TiddlyBears · 04/08/2012 10:26

Hotsauce I would be equally as concerned as you, if not more so. He may be their father but as you have a clearly said, has little experience of being hands on and keeping them safe. I do think it would be lovely for them and you no doubt deserve a break too! Sometimes we do need to do things that make us think 'eek' and I'm sure this is one of those things that will turn out to be fine, let's just hope he keeps up the president he has now set again the next year! Let your children take the opportunity to go abroad and perhaps book yourself a mini-break to keep you distracted from worry while they are away?

You are not being unreasonable at all for being concerned.... nobody else knows how to look after them the way you do, but that doesn't necessarily mean they won't be safe! Smile

LilyBolero · 04/08/2012 10:28

Well I think the children have a right to be kept safe though.

My other huge concern would be that he has not previously had them for more than a night or two. A week or more is a very different undertaking, and if the kids were very unhappy, or he couldn't cope, it would not be possible to take the kids out of that situation if they were abroad. So one BIG pre-requisite for me would be that he must have done the same length of time with them in the UK before next summer -doesn't have to be 'on holiday', could be at his house, but just to make sure it won't go horribly wrong in a situation where you can't 'rescue' them!

TiddlyBears · 04/08/2012 10:29

precedent even!

3littlefrogs · 04/08/2012 10:30

I think you need to make a list of necessities including passports, EHICs and insurance and ask him if he has/will arrange all of this.

There is a lot to do when organising a holiday abroad, and if he doesn't normally take responsibility for day to day things, he may not have thought of everything.

TiddlyBears · 04/08/2012 10:36

Equally I can see it from the other side... I would love my partner's ex-wife to allow us to take their daughter (and half-sister to my son) on holiday with us. But even trying to have access for the whole weekend at home can be challenging enough.... she's not being unreasonable, she's the primary parent and knows their daughter better than anyone else. Now I know we are very capable of not only keeping her safe but giving her a lovely time too. However, if roles were reversed and it was my son.... I'd have serious reservations too!

bogeyface · 04/08/2012 10:37

It's not about the NRPs rights, it's about the childrens

Yes, their right to be taken care of and kept safe by a responsible caring parent which this man doesnt appear to be.

"he's their dad" does not trump every other argument!

LilyBolero · 04/08/2012 10:44

Thinking more about this, it's the 'abroad' aspect that worries me - because of the total impossibility of going to get them if absolutely necessary.

My Gran took me abroad lots as a child, but she also did a LOT of our childcare. Nfw would I let my parents take my children abroad, they just don't spend enough time with them to know them well enough. An 8 year old could find the food impossible for example - and if your exp doesn't do much of the looking after him, have no idea how to resolve this.

diddl · 04/08/2012 10:44

Well there might be some resentment-but to me it sounds as if OP is just worried that the children won´t be properly looked after.

Can´t remember the ages-but often a holiday with children isn´t a holiday for the adult as the children still need parenting/entertaining.

And the ex doesn´t seem overly keen on that.

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 10:49

I think you maybe need to address you concerns with you ex, and maybe encourage him to take them away for a week or something within the uk first, so he can prove himself.

NarkedRaspberry · 04/08/2012 10:51

Hows his family with your DC? Would he go on holiday with them and your DC?

janey68 · 04/08/2012 10:58

Bogey face- so I suppose the dad travelling on a plane with his kids automatically increases the chance of a plane crash does it ?? The op has a load of irrational fears as evidenced in the first post. She then raised some reasonable concerns later, about him not being used to having them for long periods of time- so sure, everyone is agreed they should sit down, talk it through and put measures in place like him doing more overnights in the meantime.

But it's ridiculous to allow unfounded fears damage the relationship between the children and their dad.

The ages of the children are relevant anyway. These aren't toddlers requiring 24/7 supervision. the oldest will be 14- Christ at that age I was going on holiday with friends and their parents, and had a lot of freedom to go off for walks/ shopping etc.

akaemmafrost · 04/08/2012 10:58

Agree bogeyface.

janey68 · 04/08/2012 11:05

An 8 year old might find the food impossible? Eh????
Where has the op said that any of her children have got food issues? The talk is of a villa with pool type holiday, not the bloody outback , anyway. I'm quite sure it's not outside the realms of possibility to find quite normal foodstuff. This fear of 'abroad' is really odd.

kim147 · 04/08/2012 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 04/08/2012 11:16

My mum is water phobic and wont get in a swimming pool and we had loads of holidays just us!

You do not need a competent swimmer on a holiday, just discipline and an understanding on what the kids can do and when

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2012 11:19

Next year they're going to be aged between 8yrs and 14yrs old.

They should all be able to swim.

You don't need to be able to afford swimming lessons, just take them and teach them yourself....let the older kids help out with the teaching too.

Sorry but YABU to not want your children to experience a holiday just because you can't afford to take them on a similar one.

Swipe left for the next trending thread