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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want exp to take the kids on holiday abroad?

239 replies

hotsauce · 04/08/2012 01:06

we split up 8 years ago and he has never taken them on holiday.

this summer holiday he has offered to have them one extra day, that's it. he couldn't spare anymore time off work. he then announced he was going away with his girlfriend.

I pointed out that he was a selfish knob and since then he has asked several times if the kids have passports.

I don't trust him to look after them properly abroad, he can't swim and won't get in the water, how can he supervise 4 of them?

part of me thinks he is just trying to make a grand gesture and upset me.I could never afford to take the kids abroad, but I have spent years holidaying with them in this country, why does he get to give them the holiday that I can't.

I also panic about long journeys and like us to all be together. if the plane is going to crash, I want to be on it with them.

so am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:09

I can give other examples of exp's behaviour. he took the kids out somewhere, came home and parked his car and went into the house. unfortunately he left my dd inside the car and didn't notice she was missing until someone came and knocked on his front door.

he has also managed to lose the younger 2 after visits to the toilet on trips out, separate occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:11

you are giving me a hard time lol, I didn't know it would be so hard to convince you all how reasonable I am.

OP posts:
janey68 · 04/08/2012 08:12

Yabu - this is about the children's holiday not you.
It also sounds like a situation where he cant win- you moan about him never having taken the kids on holiday and yet when he wants ro you give him grief . Why is there an assumption from some posters that he cant look after his children, it's insulting.
Imagine if a guy posted saying he didn't want his ex wife taking their kids on holiday.
The stuff about the plane is the the biggest clue that the OP is being unfair and irrational- 'I'm worried it might crash and if it does I want to be on it with them'. I mean WTF is that about? Plane travel is far safer than car or rail. There is no reason to suppose it will crash , you just seem very controlling OP

lechatnoir · 04/08/2012 08:13

I'd be telling ExP fine but you'll need passports for all 4, swimming lessons for 2 and a couple of longer stays before heading off. Don't let him win this silly power play by refusing - chances are it'll never come off but if he does sort his shit out and gets them passports & all 4 can swim, then fair play to him and the kids will no doubt have a blast.

Bossybritches22 · 04/08/2012 08:17

Yes I would put the ball firmly in his court, tell him to sort passports, bet he'll balk at the price for 4 AND the cost of the holiday.

YANBU to be concerned about him not having experience of a longer holiday, however he has a year to think about it, so do you , & the kids will have some input surely?

One of those all inclusive packages where there are loads of supervised activities would be ideal, if he could afford it.

Kayano · 04/08/2012 08:18

Ah, a drip feed!

Amazing... Didn't see that coming

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 08:20

He's hypothesising about next year - who even said there would be a pool where he's going?

Op - this line spelled it out why does he get to give them the holiday that I can't. because he can. I doubt if he will though, prohibitively expensive during school holidays, factor in the cost of passports, then factor in that his GF may not be around in a years time.

However, if he had parental responsibility you have no right whatsoever to deny him the right to holiday with his children, if he so wishes.

Squeegle · 04/08/2012 08:22

Misspants is quite right- surely the issue is about whether he has a precedent of caring for them properly and carefully. Which it doesn't does it? The flying thing is really a bit irrational and unconnected. I feel for you OP - your ex doesn't really have good form in this area does he? As their mum of course you are going to be concerned

Is there a way you can sit down with him and discuss your concerns, or is this out of the question? What do you think the kids would want? Does he have a new partner? Is she responsible?

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 04/08/2012 08:25

i didn't know it would be so hard to convince you I'm being reasonable Hmm

Moominsarescary · 04/08/2012 08:27

Yabu they will range between 8 and 14 next year. Don't tell me the 14 year old can't swim or is unable to keep an eye on the youngest while in a pool.

lisad123 · 04/08/2012 08:29

My dad hates water and cannot swim, however he was able to look after us! There are life guides in most places of holiday.

dolallylass · 04/08/2012 08:35

YABU I'm sorry cos I totally see why you feel this way but this is about your DCs making memories with their Dad. All the other stuff is just excuses and you need to get a grip. Mine are currently leaving for two weeks with their Dad and I am getting a massive grip right now Sad but I know the kids LOVE it and that's all that matters.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:38

Hardly a drip feed. I'm not sure why some of you are so aggressive in your responses, I don't think I'm being particularly outrageous.

I will clarify my situation once again. My exp has never taken the kids away, despite the fact that we separated 8 years ago, he's not taken them on holiday. He has regular contact with them and I in fact I have never refused him contact ever. On the whole, he doesn't want extra contact with them. He is having them for 1 extra day these summer holidays, not an overnight, just a day. When I queried why he wasn't going to be spending any time with them, he said he had to work but then announced in the next breath that it was going on holiday with his girlfriend. I pointed out that he was a selfish cock and he is now making noises about passports for next year.

He does not look after them in the same way as I do, probably because he never spends an extended amount of time with them. This is down to him, not down to me. If he wants to spend more time with them he can, he doesn't want to.

I think I am entitled to feel a tiny bit peeved that the man who has never taken them away and can't be bothered to do anything with them this summer, wants to sweep in with a big show off holiday.

It is exactly the same as me scrabbling around to get decent christmas presents and him showing up with bloody ipads and x boxes. It is great for the kids and I am pleased they can have the same as their friends, but I feel upset that I can never do that for them. I do all the drudgery and the homework etc etc and exp gets the fun stuff.

I'm sure I do sound bitter, I don't think I am though. Exp and I generally get on very well these days, but his selfishness is still a bone of contention. He always comes first and now it seems his girlfriend comes second and the kids are probably a long way behind work.

I am probably being irrational about flights, but that's me.

If exp could get his act together, I would happily let them go. I don't want them to go, not without me there as well, but I would let them go.

OP posts:
Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:40

Stacey, that was a joke, I was trying to lighten the mood.

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 08:43

What ages are the kids?

If you separated 8 years ago it doesn't sound like are talking about helpless little ones.

janey68 · 04/08/2012 08:44

Neither of my parents could swim. Does that mean my brother and me should have been denied holidays throughout childhood?
We had loads of beach holidays and survived.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:45

I did give their ages up thread.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 08:46

I think that you need to separate the 2 things. It is irritating that he can do nice presents and holidays, and you can't, but it is no need to stop the DCs enjoying it-they are not stupid and they work out what really counts.
It will cost him just under £200 to get the 4 passports-that may put him off.
The eldest will be 14yrs and responsible to supervise and get help if necessary. They are not helpless DCs.

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 08:47

Ok, and I have read the thread but didn't memorise them at the time.

Thank you for the helpful answer ...

exoticfruits · 04/08/2012 08:48

Also-if you came into money tomorrow and wished to give them the holiday of a lifetime would you expect to have to get his permission? Would you be annoyed if he stopped it?

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 08:49

Actually no, you didn't give the ages. You gave an age range. Not the same thing. 7 yo triplets and one 13 year old would be different to 13yo triplets and a 7yo.

JeezyPeeps · 04/08/2012 08:51

But I still think YABU. If he is as feckless as you say, chances are he wants you to say no. Call his bluff and say yes, see if he can step up to the plate.

Original poster
hotsauce · 04/08/2012 08:53

Sorry jeezy, you could just as easily scroll back up as ask me to retype it for you.

He wouldn't stop me taking them on holiday, mainly because if I have taken them away he is off the hook with his contact weekend.

I am the primary carer, not the part time parent. If it were the other way round, I would expect him to question me or seek reassurance.

You seem to be confusing him with a father that has and wants shared care and plays an equal part in their upbringing. That isn't the case.

I'm not sure if I am not making myself clear or whether you are choosing to ignore this, in order to justify having a go at me.

OP posts:
Chandon · 04/08/2012 08:53

OP I completely get how you feel, even about the plane journey, I feel like that too!

Odd, maybe, but it is how I feel.

Still, I am aware this is an irrational way to feel.

So if I were you I would let them go. Let him do the grand gesture. Kids will love it yet they will not be taken in enough to forget who has and is looking after them normally!

Tell him it is fine, but that obviously HE will need to organise the passports as too expensive for you.

The youngest is 8 and all his older sibs are there, they are not babies or tots, they will be fine!

dolallylass · 04/08/2012 08:54

YANBU about him being a selfish idiot for not stepping up with the kids on a more regular basis. YANBU to be pissed off he can swoop in with fancy gifts and holidays while you do the hard graft. YANBU to worry about his ability to look after them as well as you, but you have 12 months to get them working as a team and keeping an eye in each other. YABU about taking the chance of a holiday away from them because of your worries/jealousy.

I'm with other posters though. Paying for everyone to go plus passports could well knock the whole idea on the head. Smile and nod and wait and see.