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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not to want to go out with my SIL and nephew

294 replies

GimmieChocolate · 03/08/2012 22:30

Going to be a long one so get your cuppas and hobnobs ready!

My SIL has a 4 year old son who's quite, um, lively. Whenever they come to our house he has to be centre of attention, running around, jumping up and down, generally being very annoying. He interrupts, thinks it's acceptable to demand things etc... He's also the same when out.

This week I met them in town with my 10 week old DD and we went for lunch. Nephew was not only child in restaurant of his kind of age but he was the only one running up and down not sitting in his seat, being loud. We were talking about my DD and he kept saying "look at me, look at me, look what im doing, look at me" as for all of a minute it wasnt about him. He was given his options for lunch which when arrived he had cut into small pieces for him which he then ate with his fingers!! At 4!! There was a pot of mayonnaise put on the table which he just put his hand into, licked and then did same again so no one else could then really have any, and then went to touch my DD. I very quickly stopped him as yes ok I might be a bit pfb, but i didn't want Germy, grubby, sticky mayonnaise hands on my DD! He was then having his drink and flicking the straw around so I kept getting bits of juice flicked at me. I did say to him "you've just flicked your drink on me" and he just carried on. To be honest I did not enjoy the whole lunch. And by the way, the whole eating with hands thing is not unusual, I've never seen him use cutlery.

Fast forward to walking around town, I wanted to get DD a few bits of clothes and when I'd paid for them he just turned and said " can you buy me a present now" I was completely shocked that he just came out with it and said "it's not polite to ask for things" to which he replied "don't be silly yes it is so can you buy me a present" I obviously didn't buy him anything but he went on and on about it until he got into a strop!

We then all went into another shop where SIL got him a paddling pool but that wasn't good enough, no, he had a full on tantrum as she wouldn't buy him any other toys from in there. I was mortifiyingly embarrassed to be seen with them if I'm honest.

She wants to meet up regularly so she can see my DD, her niece, but I really do not want to be out with her DS. That behaviour is quite normal for him and I find it embarrassing and just quite unacceptable for a child to behave. If it was a one off I could understand, but he's like it every time I've seen him!

Am I really BU that I don't want to be out with him?

OP posts:
anastaisia · 04/08/2012 12:15

I'm another one who would still go but only meet up in places that were aimed at the kids.

Soft play or the park or things like that.

Not because children should be limited to those places, but because you find his behaviour in other places hard to deal with. That way you hopefully all get to spend enjoyable time together and it can always be reconsidered if you find you aren't enjoying it?

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 12:18

Think the present/toy thing is MIL's fault really as she takes care of him when SIL at work and they go to car boots and she buys him stuff all the time but it's cheap 50p kinda things, so think he's used to going out and getting things. Luckily we shouldn't have this issue as DH and his Mum don't have a relationship so she won't be a huge part of DD upbringing though I do take her to see her every couple weeks. DH accepts this luckily, but she won't be as involved as my Mum who i know wont have any cheek or impoliteness, or have any part of babysitting duties!

OP posts:
tryingtoleave · 04/08/2012 12:18

All anyone is saying op, is that with a 10 wk old baby, you have not experienced much of parenting. Settling a new born is a vastly different matter to disciplining a toddler/child.

Hi, other trying - it is a bit confusing, I agree. I've seen your name around a bit lately and have often thought , hmmm, don't remember posting on that thread before I realize it isn't me. But I have been posting under this name since 2007 (to my shame...)

Boggler · 04/08/2012 12:18

I find it interesting that even in the face of masses of unanimous YABU comments the op still hasn't the grace to accept that maybe she's being unnecessarily harsh on the child, and perhaps some 4 yr olds do have a habit of misbehaving when bored. I'm so glad she's no relative of mine I'd hate my children to face her exacting scrutiny every time they meet. I would have expected a teeny bit of humility after reading the comments but no she's even more determined that she's right!

tryingtonotfeckup · 04/08/2012 12:24

Hi trying, sorry for the almost name hijack. I still feck up though.

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 12:25

Boggler: an opinion is just that! An individuals belief on a situation therefore as it my opinion, which is yes different to yours and other posters, of which you are of course equally entitled to, I do not feel I should have to change it and think its wrong! I thought he was badly behaved, you did not. You might think something is inappropriate that I do not. I wouldn't make you change your opinion as it does not match mine.

I concede 4 year olds will get bored but they still have politeness and manners and understand what is acceptable behaviour bored or not!

OP posts:
tryingtoleave · 04/08/2012 12:25

I know whose child I'd rather be out of the two cousins - you're not even going to let your dd have time with a granny who would spoil her a bit?

tryingtoleave · 04/08/2012 12:26

It's all good, trying - I'm not fussed.

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 12:30

Tryingtoleave: that's not a decision I can make I'm afraid. My DH need to be happy with it which he is not and if he had his way she wouldn't have anything to do with our DD but I like her to see her, which he grudgingly agreed to on an hour or so every couple of weeks basis! It's a long complicated story but he has his understandable reasons.

OP posts:
clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Boggler · 04/08/2012 12:34

It's interesting that dh doesn't have a relationship with his mother whats that all about? Does she not meet up to your standards of behaviour as well? It seems sil is merely trying to maintain some contact with your side of the family as there's no real family contact which is so very sad. I think that's to your sil's credit she doesn't have to bother. Dysfunctional families are so sad and I feel sorry for you dd she's going to have no fun with your up tight mother who insists on good manners all he time while the granny who sounds like fun and who might treat her to a 50p toy found at a car boot is being cast out into the cold.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2012 12:34

This sort of behaviour in public just ruins it for everybody. I'd say that if a child cannot behave decently in a restaurant most times then that child is not ready to eat out of the home. Most children will have an 'off day' and that's different. But constant bad behaviour like this is dreadful.

So personally I wouldn't go out in public with them. I've had this before and just didn't go to eat out again with these particular people. Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but consideration to other people must be given.

AThingInYourLife · 04/08/2012 12:34

"I concede 4 year olds will get bored but they still have politeness and manners and understand what is acceptable behaviour bored or not!"

4 year olds don't always understand what is acceptable behaviour. And even when they do, that doesn't mean the are always able to behave that way.

They are small children learning how to behave.

Showing a bit of forebearance as they figure it out (and sometimes get it wrong) is important, just like having a bit of extra patience with a learner driver.

People who vilify little children for bad behaviour are the parenting equivalent of the road hogs who beep at learner drivers when they stall.

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 12:37

People who vilify little children for bad behaviour are the parenting equivalent of the road hogs who beep at learner drivers when they stall love this.

CrikeyOHare · 04/08/2012 12:40

I'm a but Hmm about the turn this thread has taken.

I can't see anyone, anywhere saying that his behaviour was anything but naughty, OP - and lots of people have said they don't blame you for not wanting to go out with him again.

What is disturbing slightly, is your attitude to the child, who going by your first post, you seem to dislike intensely.

If was genuinely a case of you loving the child but not the behaviour, I think your post would have read very differently - ie: "What could I have done; what could/should I say to my sister?".

Instead it came across as a diatribe about what an unpleasant child he is. Poor kid.

So, please don't deliberately misunderstand what people are saying here.

CrikeyOHare · 04/08/2012 12:40

but bit.

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 12:43

My mother is far from uptight! She's fun and loving and can't wait do all kinds of things with dd. just because she expects good manners she's suddenly a bad person? I find you in incredibly rude for that comment as you know nothing of her. My sister and I had a wonderful, fun upbringing but we also knew right from wrong and how to behave appropriately. Let me cast judgement on your mum and see how you feel?

My DH does not have a relationship with his mum for a very good reason which I'm not prepared to discuss as its very personal and I've said I take DD to see her but he does not want her with her without me there too.

OP posts:
GoranisGod · 04/08/2012 12:46

Op-please just admit that you have been an arse and that you actively dilike your dn-you are merely digging yourself into a bigger hole here....

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 12:53

I wholly admit I dislike his behaviour, I don't dislike him! If I disliked him why would I arrange nice trips he would like or buy him birthday and Christmas gifts that I know he wants?

If its wrong to have an opinion on manners and behaviour then yes I'm wrong. If its wrong to want my DD to behave differently when she's older then yes I'm wrong again. If its wrong to accept my DH very understandable reasons to not let DD and MIL be alone without me then once again I'm wrong.

It appears I might not be the one that can't quite accept others have different views though?

OP posts:
Badvoc · 04/08/2012 12:56

Re read your op again.
Re read the words and phrases you used about a 4 year old child.
Then come back and defend yourself.
Yabvvu.

Badvoc · 04/08/2012 12:57

It sounds to me as though you and your sister had fun on your mothers terms?
I get lots of compliments on my childrens behaviour. But I also let them be children.
I dont expect a mini adult at age 4.

FreckledLeopard · 04/08/2012 12:58

I'm with the OP on this one. Yes, he's just four, but not every four-year-old is likeable. Many are brats - not necessarily their fault - often the fault of the parents, but bratty children are not popular, with adults or children.

I have taken DD to restaurants since she was tiny. Aged four, I would have expected her to appreciate being taken out (to the likes of Pizza Express - not anywhere with Michelin stars!) and to behave accordingly, which she did. I would involve her in conversation, expect her to be polite, sit nicely and obviously if there were colouring books etc provided, then to do these quietly. Which she did.

Similarly, DD used to have to be dragged around doing 'mundane' things when she was small. I was a single parent, internet shopping was not the norm and there were occasions when she had to come to the supermarket/clothes shopping and just get on with it. I might have taken her for a hot chocolate or biscuit as a treat after shopping, but certainly not all outings involved treats. Again, she may have been bored but tough. I did plenty of child-friendly activities with her and she was in no way deprived by having to experience day-to-day chores too.

I'm sorry that the OP is in an awkward situation as regards her SIL. Sometimes, ghastly small children do turn into nice older children, so I guess I would avoid her company if her son is there unless it's an outing to a place where his behaviour can be 'wild' without repercussions.

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 12:59

I get the

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 13:04

Impression that people think I'm judging them and their children? I'm talking about my nephew, I don't know any of you and your children so please do not think I'm saying everyone are bad parents.

Perhaps the language used in my op did not come across the way intended but I'm sure as reasonable adults you can understand the gist? I've said countless times that it was the behaviour not him I found bad as well as how I've praised him and interacted with him.

The barrage of abuse I've found quite unnecessary and upsetting in all honesty. I'm sure none of you set out to cause upset but I think some may have taken it a bit too far with the personal attacks on both me and my mum.

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 04/08/2012 13:04

Badvoc the OP describes the child as 'lively', illustrates some bad behaviour and the Mum's lack of intervention and mentions this is completely normal day-to-day, she admits she was embarrassed by the strop and that she didn't enjoy his company that day, and that she found him demanding a present shocking.

Quite what is indefensible about that?