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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not to want to go out with my SIL and nephew

294 replies

GimmieChocolate · 03/08/2012 22:30

Going to be a long one so get your cuppas and hobnobs ready!

My SIL has a 4 year old son who's quite, um, lively. Whenever they come to our house he has to be centre of attention, running around, jumping up and down, generally being very annoying. He interrupts, thinks it's acceptable to demand things etc... He's also the same when out.

This week I met them in town with my 10 week old DD and we went for lunch. Nephew was not only child in restaurant of his kind of age but he was the only one running up and down not sitting in his seat, being loud. We were talking about my DD and he kept saying "look at me, look at me, look what im doing, look at me" as for all of a minute it wasnt about him. He was given his options for lunch which when arrived he had cut into small pieces for him which he then ate with his fingers!! At 4!! There was a pot of mayonnaise put on the table which he just put his hand into, licked and then did same again so no one else could then really have any, and then went to touch my DD. I very quickly stopped him as yes ok I might be a bit pfb, but i didn't want Germy, grubby, sticky mayonnaise hands on my DD! He was then having his drink and flicking the straw around so I kept getting bits of juice flicked at me. I did say to him "you've just flicked your drink on me" and he just carried on. To be honest I did not enjoy the whole lunch. And by the way, the whole eating with hands thing is not unusual, I've never seen him use cutlery.

Fast forward to walking around town, I wanted to get DD a few bits of clothes and when I'd paid for them he just turned and said " can you buy me a present now" I was completely shocked that he just came out with it and said "it's not polite to ask for things" to which he replied "don't be silly yes it is so can you buy me a present" I obviously didn't buy him anything but he went on and on about it until he got into a strop!

We then all went into another shop where SIL got him a paddling pool but that wasn't good enough, no, he had a full on tantrum as she wouldn't buy him any other toys from in there. I was mortifiyingly embarrassed to be seen with them if I'm honest.

She wants to meet up regularly so she can see my DD, her niece, but I really do not want to be out with her DS. That behaviour is quite normal for him and I find it embarrassing and just quite unacceptable for a child to behave. If it was a one off I could understand, but he's like it every time I've seen him!

Am I really BU that I don't want to be out with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 14:33

She does make attempts but it usually a "DS come on don't run around" though he was dragged out the toy shop with her looking quite embarrassed herself. He was a very much wanted and last chance to have a baby and she loves him dearly but I think it might be a case of she doesn't want to upset him by saying no or telling off too much, as she loves him so much. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 14:34

What do you think she should do?

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 14:35

For example, if you were eating your meal and he was flicking drinks what should she do?

GrandpaUpMyVacuum · 04/08/2012 14:37

If he was dragged out the toy shop because she has backed up her no and not given in to him then what else can she do? The scenes I have had outside of places like ELC because a no is a no. Doesn't stop the tantrum though.

CockyPants · 04/08/2012 14:42

I once dragged my DD out of Jonny LuLus when she threw a tantrum because I refused to buy her a present. She attempted to stage a sit in inside the store. The security guard did a cats bum face.
Luckily she doesn't really go in for public show downs!!

CockyPants · 04/08/2012 14:44

If my DD mucks round in a restaurant, I tell her to stop it or we go home. We haven't had to leave yet...

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 14:44

I would think something along the lines of "you do not flick drinks, please sit and drink nicely or if it then continued said action would be carried out. Though maybe that's me being harsh I don't know?! If full on tantrum ensued I would think an "I'm very sorry Gimmie but we are going to go home as DS is misbehaving"

OP posts:
clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 14:45

No that's not harsh, but what consequences would you suggest?

GrandpaUpMyVacuum · 04/08/2012 14:52

Yeah but it depends why he's flicking the drink. If it's because he's bored and wants to leave, then you leave because he's done it, then he has won. In this case, I would ignore this behaviour because if he gets no reaction, he will get bored and stop. You have to know your DN well first. You need to have a whole back up plan of tactics, because consequences don't work with every child, or every child more than a couple of times. Don't be too black and white about it. Wait til your aprox 8mo baby does something dangerous for the first time and you leap up in horror to stop them. They will learn that certain behaviours will get a reaction and love it.

This is true of my son. Everything is all mind games with him. Other people's children do what they are told. It makes me jealous.

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 14:59

Well for example Clem, he knew they were going to go and buy the paddling pool after so it would of been in this case "or we don't go and get your paddling pool"

OP posts:
zeldapinwheel · 04/08/2012 15:01

Oxford english dictionary definition of Brat - a badly behaved child.

Seems the perfect discription to me!

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 15:06

OED definition of "brat" defines it as a derogatory noun. I am uncomfortable about using derogatory terms to describe anyone, but especially children. It is damaging beyond belief.

zeldapinwheel · 04/08/2012 15:24

It may be derogatory, still a fitting discription though.

I'm so impressed at all the holier than thous on here, who have obviously NEVER had a bad thought/ word to say about someone else's child, if only we were all so perfect. . .

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 15:27

Using derogatory language about children is as offensive as racism, sexism and homophobia. Not holier that thou, just nicer perhaps.

MyDogShitsMoney · 04/08/2012 15:32

He's jealous, plain and simple.

No need to pin on any kind of labels or over analyse his future.

He's jealous.

He's not the baby of the family anymore and at 4 years old doesn't have the ability to rationalise his emotions. He wants the world to carry on revolving around him not this new baby.

Crikey, just have some patience. He couldn't have been any clearer, he actually said "look at me, look at me". That really is all he wants, he's not being manipulative, he's saying what he wants!

A little time, patience and understanding alongside a consistent approach from SIL and it will all pass.

And no, I'm certainly no parenting expert, but I do have a baby and a 4 year old niece who behaves exactly the same way when my DS is there. Of course the behavior is naughty but for crying out loud you don't need to be a child-psychologist to work out what's going on.

Yes he needs to be told when his behaviour is unacceptable but go in too heavy and he'll resent your DD even more.

(Oh, and being embarrassed by the people who stare when your baby cries will be replaced with a withering fuck off look very soon, don't worry Wink )

zeldapinwheel · 04/08/2012 15:33

Or deluded.

Babylon1 · 04/08/2012 15:38

YADNBU he needs some discipline PDQ or he is really going to struggle at school Sad

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 15:39

Perhaps zelda, but my children will not grow up thinking it is acceptable to call ANYONE names.
12 years in the classroom as a teacher and now working towards being a paediatrician I have seen the damage caused by adults insulting and stigmatising children.

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 15:42

MyDog....not quite sure how it explains the fact this is how he's always behaved! Ie before my DD was born!

Clem I must say I do agree with you in the fact that derogatory language isn't good, hence why despite what most people seem to of said, I've not once referred to him as a brat or such like. I think the term I used was lively which i personally don't find an insult.

OP posts:
clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 15:44

"lively" is a good descriptor. Some days it is the descriptor our nursery nurses use to describe DS (also four) when he has been playing "rugby" with his best friend in the nursery garden...

Badvoc · 04/08/2012 15:46

Clem what wise thoughtful posts.
Thank you.

zeldapinwheel · 04/08/2012 15:56

just dont understand how refering to her as a brat on an adult discussion forum is gonna affect her in any way?

zeldapinwheel · 04/08/2012 16:01

ah, a teacher. that explains alot. the 'im always right' complex. oh well shall leave you to it.

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 16:12

An ex-teacher now training to be a doctor so I can be a child psychiatrist. So i suppose you could say i have experience with thousands of children (including my own).
Not always right but always bemused when adults lack self awareness. You might use the term brat, it doesn't mean that it is a socially acceptable term and it doesn't mean that people don't judge you for using it.

Waspie · 04/08/2012 16:13

AThing's post at 10:36 is the most realistic and balanced post on this thread.

I used to think as you did OP. Until my lively, stubborn, confident and outgoing son hit about 3.5 years. He's 4.5 years now and I am a humbled woman. The difference between me and your SIL is that I pull up my son on every offence.

I must say though that telling a 4 year he's flicked his drink at you is not the same as saying "No, do not flick your drink at me". If I said that to my son he'd agree with me, not think that he was being told about something he's done wrong. 4 year olds have a sense of humour, a wonderful sense of fun and huge affection but it's also the age when they are pushing boundaries and experimenting with how far they are allowed to go. Your nephew's good points are not likely to come to the fore on a shopping trip with a restaurant lunch.

One of the best things I read in a taming toddlers type book was "pick your battles". Sometimes I repeat this mantra over and over while the joy of my life is in time-out for yet another contravention of one of my rules!