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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil hijacks social events

168 replies

PlopButNOPudding · 02/08/2012 19:53

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlopButNOPudding · 02/08/2012 19:55

Should say- I'm on a different time zone to most of you so sorry if I disappear from here for a bit..

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 02/08/2012 19:58

I would have assumed an evening event with family. Sorry no help at all.

But I would have moved celebrations to w/end and made a good old afternoon of it.

Silibilimili · 02/08/2012 20:01

You say a lot of positive things about ur outlaws. Everyone's attitude to child rating is different. And also, As they do not have to deal with the aftermath of late nights, they don't see and therefore realise a problem. I would try and keep the relationship sweet by not inviting family over on week nights or learn to live with the consequences.

Uppermid · 02/08/2012 20:01

You just (haha just, I know, sorry) need to be more assertive. Say no, we're lighting the candles now. Say no, sorry , you're not having pizza here, we have plans tomorrow and the children are going to bed. Lovely to see you, sorry it was so short but I told you the time. See you soon.

Easier said than dome I know.

How about next time, speak to your dh ahead of time and get him to agree to this strategy (or similar)

CMOTDibbler · 02/08/2012 20:02

You just need to be firm - 'no sorry MIL, we need to have the cake now' . 'We've got other plans, so no pizza thanks' 'right, its time for the kids to go to bed, so I'll just get your coats shall I ?'.
You don't have to be rude or apologetic, but you and dh need to set firm boundaries and stick to them, and if they have form for not going on time/keeping kids up, then anticipate it and have a plan for both of you to stick to

Salmotrutta · 02/08/2012 20:02

Wine nibbles and cake at 5.30 sounds like a short celebratory event to me.

Is your MIL my SIL (she's a "take over" kinda gal)?

... she's on a different time zone too ...

Anyway - if you have planned something then you stay in control. Do it by cultivating selective deafness. Works every time.

WelshMaenad · 02/08/2012 20:03

I agree with jumpingthroughhoops, I'd give up on weeknight celebrations and do a weekend lunch 'as late nights can be so disruptive for the children'. Hopefully if you have them for lunch they will all piss off by 7pm.

YANBU, but some people just don't 'get' it. I'm lucky up have kids who are relatively unfazed by the odd late night so the whole kids in bed thing wouldn't really occur to me tbh.

cardibach · 02/08/2012 20:04

Even if you can't be assertive enough to get rid of the inlaws, couldn't you still insist on children's bed time? THat's what I would do.

BackforGood · 02/08/2012 20:06

Seems a bit odd to invite them and then expect them to go IMO. Would it not make more sense for you, dh, and the dcs to have candles and cake on his actual birthday, and then invite the wider family for lunch, or for an evening thing after the dcs in bed or whatever suits at the weekend ? It's almost as if you are setting yourself up for problems with the way you've chosen to do it, so, as you are asking, then I have to say yes, IMO, YABU.

DontmindifIdo · 02/08/2012 20:07

Sorry, you invited for an evening event - they expected you provide an evening event.

If someone invited me for 5:30pm for wine and nibbles, I would assume it would last longer than 1.5 hours. They are grandparents, they will want a 'decent amount of time' with their DGC, you were offering the 'hell hour' only of post dinner, pre-bed. They tried to extend that and didn't have to deal with the fall out.

For future, don't invite anyone to your house between dinner and DCs bedtime - either they come later and stay for 'adult dinner' or earlier and are their to have time with DCs then dinner. (If you wanted them gone for DC's bedtime, I'd have said a 3pm invite would be more likely, or even better, a lunch invite).

EndoplasmicReticulum · 02/08/2012 20:07

My in-laws are always late for things. I don't think they do it to be controlling, they're just disorganised. Anyway, I tell them a time and I stick to it - so sometimes they end up missing stuff.

You have to be firm. "No, sorry, we're not going to order pizzas".
"No, we're not going to wait for BIL."

Next year, as others have said, change the type of do that you have. Could the children not have gone to bed after the cake regardless of grown-ups staying later?

zookeeper · 02/08/2012 20:10

I think given that they sound quite thick-skinned you should have put an end time on the invitation.

What was your dh doing when all this was going on?

DontmindifIdo · 02/08/2012 20:10

Also, why did you let the MIL decide when you would light the candles? Why did you stop doing it just because she said no? I'd have just lit them and said "all sing now" DCs would have started and she could hardly blow them out herself.

ByTheWay1 · 02/08/2012 20:14

We never invite the inlaws on a school night - Friday/Saturday or school holidays , or we go to them and leave when we want to - the kids want to spend time with them, they want to spend time with the kids.....

everything overruns, but it really doesn't matter...

time with "the olds" (their name for themselves - not mine!!) matters to us, so we plan it in when it suits us from the off, and don't put in controls that we know they (and the kids) would find difficult......

but ordering pizza at someone else's house is very rude!!!

akaemmafrost · 02/08/2012 20:17

I understand there is history but I think firstly you should have arranged it for to be at a weekend and secondly you sound really uptight and controlling.

Also how would you feel if your DIL only allows you an hour and a half to celebrate YOUR ds's birthday in the future?

People have lives, things don't always go according to plan and I think you were quite unrealistic to think this was going to go according to your plan.

DontmindifIdo · 02/08/2012 20:20

but ordering pizza at someone else's house is very rude!!!

You might say alternatively, inviting people over at dinner time and not providing dinner is rather rude...

NarkedRaspberry · 02/08/2012 20:24

How is 5:30 dinnertime? Unless you're 5!

mumto2andnomore · 02/08/2012 20:24

I would have a low key celebration with you dh and the kids on the day and invite wider family at the weekend,sounds like you expected them to be like this. Hardly worth them coming for an hour and a half !

Downandoutnumbered · 02/08/2012 20:25

She didn't invite them at dinner time, unless you think 5.30 is dinner time! If I were invited for "wine, nibbles and cake" at 5.30, I'd reckon it meant "come for an hour and then clear off". It might be rude to do it that way if they have to drive miles to get to you, but I'm assuming that they didn't.

Having said that, this was bad planning, especially as they have form for being late for everything and taking over - it would have been much better to say "sorry, we're not doing anything on the day itself because it's mid-week, come for lunch and birthday cake at the weekend". DS gets two birthday celebrations, you don't have tired DC all week, everyone's happy.

NarkedRaspberry · 02/08/2012 20:27

As you know what they're like and you want the DCs in bed by 7, I don't think you can have them over in the late afternoon/evening. Two hours is a very short time for cake, drinks and an adult birthday celebration. Next time, do something on the weekend and invite them for 11:30am (for lunch at 1pm!)

bonzo77 · 02/08/2012 20:30

seeing as they have form, I would have done celebrations with DC's early, get them to bed, then get the outlaws over later for grown up party. Or left the whole thing till the weekend and done it during the day. Social stuff on a "school" night is a bit of a nightmare at the best of times.

zeitgeist2012 · 02/08/2012 20:31

Without the full background it's pretty difficult to say but you definitely sound U to me. It's a family and everyone getting together - you can't expect people to leave because of bedtimes or whatever, completely agree with akaemmafrost, arrange it for when you aren't going to be so stressed about it!

squeakytoy · 02/08/2012 20:32

were all these people working before they got to your house?

As it was an adult birthday, I would have waited until the weekend to celebrate it with family.

What did your husband want? It was HIS birthday after all. (I know you say he "wholeheartedly" agreed, but once it got going, was he enjoying himself, or keen to shove everyone out of the door?)

solidgoldbrass · 02/08/2012 20:34

I can't remember whether it's very posh or very common to invite people for 'cocktail hour only' events. Either way, when you know the intended guests are thick-skinned and overstay their welcome, you are setting yourself up for trouble by trying to keep their visit within such a narrow time slot.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 02/08/2012 20:39

As a mother of boys, I tend to agree thinking about it with the poster above - you only "allowed" her an hour and a half to see her son on his birthday. Perhaps a longer do on a not-school night would be better.