mil hijacks social events

[PlopButNOPudding]

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

No more midweek celebrations until the kids are old enough to handle later nights. You have the excuse that the school has spoken to you about the efffect on your child (so it's not just you being an evil DIL).

If your DH works with your ILs, why on earth couldn't they do the "on the day" celebration at work? Could they have gone out for lunch, or you and DCs turned up with cake for morning or afternoon tea?

Zacharyquack- yes brilliant idea. Will note for future.

Why is this in AIBU? I can't work out what you are or are not being unreasonable about.

From what you've said about your MIL the blame (if indeed that was the question!) lies with you for orgwnising a tea party on a school night at 5.30 when you know what they are like

IMHO of course

BTW I have no contact with my MIL and she is not allowed inside my house so my natural instinct would be to side with you!!

Actually, reading your subsequent posts, your MIL sounds like an appalling fucking bully. She is, no matter how sweet and charming she might appear. Neither you nor your H wanted to have to entertain her that night, you did your best to be sociable by offering a small short gathering, and she quite deliberately rampaged all over it and turned it into what she wanted. (From your first posts it did look a bit six-of-one-half-a-dozen etc, you being precious and her being tactless).

You're going to have to go absolute stonewalling no-compromise with her. This is the only way to treat people so determined on having their own way at others' expense. Just keep saying (for instance) No, MIL, we are having the party on Saturday. Just keep repeating yourself, don't discuss, don't offer reasons; 'No, Mil, thanks, we have made other arrangements.' And remember, if she starts crying, so.fucking,what No one ever died of crying.

I completely agree with sgb. You should be able to invite people over for a drink and cake and expect them to have the tact to piss off again when you have small children and it's a school night. But mil clearly has all the tact of an Exocet so there's no point being diplomatic with her. She was rude and she knows it but she's clearly just used to getting her own way by riding roughshod over you both. Time to get firm - not nasty, but firm. Before the Dcs start to notice and glean the impression that granny is in charge.

Southwest- the AIBU was that I was feeling exactly how sgb has summarised. Only really arranged the night to keep her happy and ended up feeling railroaded. Again. And the pizza-ordering absolutely incensed me! Wasn't sure if this was reasonable or not.

I do take on the chin that regardless of who wanted the evening, I did go ahead and organise something on a weekday that was doomed from the start. Future weekday events will be nipped in the bud early. Preferably by dh.

I'm trying to imagine circumstances in which I would send a written invitation to "wine, nibbles and cake- 5.30-7" to my mother. I'm failing!

If someone ordered pizza in my house I would explode with rage. That is just awful twatish behaviour.

When did you think they were going to have their dinner?

They're invited from 5.30 to 7.00. By the time they get home, it's too late to start cooking, hence the Pizza.

I think you've already worked out that it's inconsiderate to invite someone for 1 1/2 hours during the week at this particular time.

I think you were trying to do the right thing to have a small celebration to please MIL on the actual day but may DH should have just had lunch with her or something.

maybe that should be maybe.

You also have to remember that this is her special day as well. When your DC reach 40 I'm sure you will have special memories of the day they were born.

And, actually, if I got a written "WNC- 5.30-7" invitation from my closest relation, I would either laugh or be offended, depending on mood.

If someone invited me for drinks and nibbles at 5.30, I'd assume they wanted a casual evening and weren't planning on a formal dinner. It would not occur to me in a million years that I'd be expected to arrive on the dot, leave within 90 minutes, or go hungry. I'd expect to stay till around 8.30/9.00, and would expect to have some food to eat (cheese/biscuits and suchlike).

And if I were at my brother's I'd tell him he was a numpty if there was no food and I might even tell him to get a pizza in for everyone.

MIL going into kids room - not on. But for everything else I think the problem is that your DH has two controlling women in his life, not one. You can carry on competing/fuming, but ultimately life's easier when you chill and accept that some peoples' perspectives are way different than your own, because it's a damn sight better having an involved extended familty to hand than a bunch of people thinking you are standing between them and their son.

Your MIL sounds like hard work.

You sound like you were trying to please everyone and keep peace.

Just avoid things in future. It's easier than confrontation!!

and you really must tell us what she did at your wedding

I'm not sure where some of you have got the idea I specified 5:30-7. I didn't, I specified early and 5:30 start. but I did imagine they'd be out by 8ish as per op. 2.5 hours is not unreasonable surely- that's how long dinner out would take- right??

Surely it wouldn't have mattered if they hung around later. IF your MIL had let the kids go to bed properly etc. they knew they were coming for nibbles, they could have had their main meal at lunch and just swallowed that you guys have a young family etc etc and were being generous enough to invite them over mid week and expected to have a sandwich when they got home?

In your OP you said you expected to be done and dusted by 7.30-8, that's where people have got the idea from.

Couldn't you have still put the kids to bed a little later than normal, say about 8ish, and then let the celebrations continue? Agree with squiffy's last paragraph tbh.

Just me thinking that a formal written invitstionlike this to close family is a bit weird then?

No, my family would think I'd gone bonkers if I issued them with one!!!

I can see how this would be annoying as it seems to be a regular thing.

However-I don´t really think that MIL wbu to order pizza at her son´s house.

I mean if they´d come straight round after work-were they supposed to leave yours at 8 & then feed themselves?

You could always have said no thanks-you´ll have to take the pizza elsewhere.

And family visitors-it´s hardly a formal thing, is it-no reason for you & your husband not to be able to get on with bed time.

If they didn't have a strong history if insisting on keeping the dc up after 9 and later on school nights then I would have arranged dinner and enjoyed the evening- no matter how late. As we did when they were babies and it didn't matter.

Also, not that I should really have to go into this but the 'nibbles' were 4 large homemade focaccia breads. And a varitety of dips- hummous, salmon, etc etc. I did not palm them off with a bowl of
stale peanuts and some cheap plonk.

As i said, weekday events not a good idea- even with a revised format... Lesson learned. I'm sure wedding details, dc birthdays and
other things will appear in other threads. I am pretty new to mn and wish I'd discovered it earlier as I've had some absolute corkers. Far, far worse than this.

Will be sure to post again when if something else comes up.. Although bit scared of AIBU now!!

God I'm just stressed reading this, and I wish people would read what you have written op!

Yanbu, your mil sounds like a pain in the arse and your dh sounds utterly cowed. Just as mil likes it I expect.

If they work together perhaps all the boundaries are blurred. Could your dh get a new job? I think also in future you need to take charge and plan events that suit you and ignore emotional blackmail to do things that don't suit you. If your dh cannot stand up to his mother than you will have to put up or take charge yourself. I know you don't want to hear that but speaking from experience it's how we've done it and it means that dh is better at standing up to mil now as he's seen she doesn't melt when she doesn't get her own way.

Best wishes.

YANBU, and I think people are being quite harsh on you.
But, knowing what they are like, clearly your plan was destined to fail.
Your MIL wanted to have a celebration on the actual day, and she was never going to stay within the boundaries you set. So don't do it again. If she gets upset, let her. Stay calm and pleasant, but don't budge.
As for going into the children's bedroom after they were put to bed, it is completely unacceptable.

YANBU - MIL should know you turn up on time for kids parties, neither do you make them stay up later than normal bedtime to wait for someone who is 1.5 hours late to blow out the fecking candles!

If it were me I'd just do child only parties & don't invite family. If you feel like it do separate get togethers for family at the weekend. But with 3 children under 5, one a very young baby, I would say you are not obliged to host regular family get togethers, it's hard enough just getting through each day I would have thought.

We sometimes do "formal" invites between family. I think MIL & I are just fond of stationery :)