mil hijacks social events

[PlopButNOPudding]

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

should i have been invited to an event worded like that i would know it was just cake nibbles and wine at that time in the day i would figure wine ment 2 glasses. i would expect to be done and on way home by 8pm at the very latest.should the person wish me to attend past 8pm then i would expect the invite to say dinner.
i would feel rude and over staying my welcome should i stay longer and you are correct ordering pizza or any food at another persons house is extreamly rude,so is arriving that late,no matter what the excuse if you are that late then you phone apoligise and dont attend.

i would also be very cross about anybody going into my childrens rooms after they had been sent to bed unless that person was the childs actual parent.its bad manored, oversteping personal boundries,undermining and irritating so YANBU.

next time enclose a note with invite saying "dh and i have a special private plan for later on so will need to be ready for that by 8.30" should they push you as to the nature of the event feel free to say something along the lines of "naked,gimp suit,fisting,camera and valium" that should do the trick

Hahahahahaha!!!! TOTALLY agree with socknickingpixie!!!

Agree with raven, book table, eat and leave.

Otherwise you get their coats and ask dc's to say goodbye to gp's at he door before bed. Do you need party ( please f@@@ off bags?)

Assert yourself, make your own rules. Say NO it's cake time.

Ordering pizza ffs, how rude. I would have said no, sorry children are going bed.

Good idea, Perhaps you could have put the pizza slices in some freezer bags and given them to MIL and BIL as make shift party bags, and politely asked then to eff off.

If you expect them to be out by the dch's bedtime then it looks as if you have to spell it out - Please come over for cake 5.30 - 7pm. Then at 7pm you can legitimately kick them out.

Normally I would agree with you, OP, that they were abusing your hospitality & outstayed their welcome... But, it was their DS's 40th birthday! Presumably they didn't see any reason why they shouldn't make a night of it. Very difficult to be assertive with a MIL like that (as I know!). Maybe since you hadn't given them a 'Bog off home' time on the invitation you might have predicted them hanging on to make the most of it.

Hi OP, sounds very similar to my inlaws! I would never invite them over at 5.30pm as even though dinner was not on offer you were never going to get rid of them before 7pm, particularly if drinks were on the go. I would have put the kids to bed at normal bedtime regardless of whether they were still there or not.

As for ordering pizza, I imagine they all felt a bit peckish and as dinner time was approaching and they were all still there it was deemed the easy option.

socknickingpixie I read that and thought it said fishing and I was missing out on something

It is rude, but then it was a special birthday and although you have a big party planned for a few weeks time that is not just family. The staying and making an evening of it would not have bothered me as Im quite laid back about that sort of thing(I frequently have friends come for a cup of tea and end up staying for dinner)

But It would really annoy me if mil or anyone went into my dc's bedroom during or after I had put them to bed. I would have to say something about that, I have often put my dc to bed when an afternoon has turned into and impromptu piss up dinner

YA a bit U. It is a family celebration and you seem to think it should be by appointment. You also seem to treat your husband as if he is one of your children.

Your MIL was out of order on the pizza and going into children's rooms but if you had been a proper host /organised the event for a time when you were happy for them to stay for a while then it would not have happened.

Grief, just re-read, it was an adults birthday? not a childs?

OP - you are mad to consider at midweek celebration!

Thanks guys. Ok what I've taken from this:

• to avoid weekday get togethers at all costs

If unavoidable for some reason:

• be more assertive, don't wait for response- just get on and do what I need to do. Stop being so polite- they obviously have thick skin.
• get dh to follow through on his plans and get kids into bed/decline pizza/eject inlaws. Unfortunately dh becomes pathetic wimp in presence of mummy and hides in corner sitting on fence. Yes I know-

working on it. Hes come a long way but definitely work in progress. Whole other thread in fact.

• like the idea of early bird dinners out

To the people who can't understand how a 9pm bed time can destroy the whole week- I so, so wish it wasn't the case but both my dc need
around 10 hours sleep or they behave like demons. Ok for 3yo, as she's at home with me, but 5yo really suffers at school. Teacher took me aside after 'pizzagate' on the Friday and said she seemed
'extremely tired' :(

How does your H feel about all this? Does he prefer your way of regular routines and nuclear-family time, or is he more inclined to let events happen and not mind late nights? It does sound at the moment as though both you and your MIL want to 'win' WRT arrangements and the poor sod's caught in the middle.

Yabu

If they work from 9-5:30, did you really expect them to show up at 5:30? What if they had to get home to feed the dogs/cats before coming over?

Bad planning on the OPs part.

Ok will reiterate one more time: there is already a proper celebration planned at a suitable time for all to enjoy.

The night in question was dh's actual birthday. Dh was not keen to have anything on this night. BUT mil got knickers in knot about there not being a celebration on that day, so dh and i planned together what we would do to stop her feeling excluded from her sons 40th (despite her having invite to afore mentioned party) but also prevent the havoc that normally occurs with weekday events.
Which is why we decided on the format we did.

They all work together in family business - dogs go to work with them. If it was too early they should have said so when invite first given to them. not accept and then change all the plans at the last minute

OP this sounds a bit like me! (my DD nearly 10)

Over the years I have gradually given up trying to organise my kids when the in-laws (or even my family) are around. In a way its a nice, because it absolves me of any responsibility that evening - I know somebody will put them to bed... eventually.

And I've just learned to cope with grumpy children the next day... not ideal, but sometimes its easier to go with the flow...

Solidgoldbrass: on this occasion dh didn't want a big night, he didn't want a 'do' at all on his birthday. But he finds it very hard to stand up to her and whilst he is getting better he often has a knee-jerk reaction to keep her happy. This is a long story in it's own right.

So we agreed together that no dinner and early finish. When mil started ordering pizza dh and i both tried to stop it.
But unfortunately mil brushed it off and just went ahead and ordered anyway!
Dh doesnt stand up to her, even if he doesn't agree. Same happened with bed time. He knew it was getting too late for dcs and agreed later that week that it was a disaster, but he is so scared of upsetting her or in fact disagreeing with her that it all goes out the window and he just buries his head in the sand. as I said- work in progress.

Did your DH get any say over how his birthday was organised?

TBH I have never heard of adults having a 1.5hr party before. Isn't that the sort of time frame for 4yr old's parties?

In future put an end time and say clearly "I want to get the kids in bed for 7.30 so it is literally cake and wine, we'll be celebrating properly at the weekend". That way any attempts at extending it to dinner can be met with "that sounds fun, but can you get the pizza delievered to MILs as we'll be finishing up here shortly".

You are entitled to issue whatever invite you want, if people don't like it they can say no. Just because it might not be "the norm" doesn't mean you can't do it.

Not trying to pile on, but I agree with those suggesting that perhaps weekday events aren't the best idea. I think GPs get carried away when GC are involved, and depending how often she gets to see them, I guess I can't blame her. My MIL drives me mad for many reasons, but that issue is the one I've forced myself tried to relax on. I try to think how I'd feel if I were in her shoes, and I suspect I'd want to get as much time in with my GC as possible. (DS is 3yo so I might be thinking ahead a tad!) We're in a different situation though, my ILs live in another country, so obviously only see DS a few times a year.

However, it doesn't excuse the ordering pizza and complete disregard for your DH or your feelings on that topic.

I think trying to limit a weeknight event to just 1.5 hours is impossible. You've seen for yourself how it can easily drag on; all it takes is one person unable to get there for an hour and you're automatically looking at an hour tacked on to whatever you wanted, at least. If you truly have these time constraints, then you have to avoid weekdays.

Yabu.

Wine nibbles and cake? For a grown man celebrating his birthday, midweek?

I dont know anybody who has finished work at 5.30. And if they have, will be hungry.

And trying to make this fit in with keeping the childrens routine?

And, midweek ????

I am not sure what planet you are on.

YANBU. I'd be pissed off too. You specifically wrote on the invites that it was a cake and nibbles thing, and that you wanted the children in bed at a reasonable hour, as they 'don't do' late nights very well.
With that I can completely sympathise, as my two are EXACTLY the same - if they have late nights, ie any time from 8pm onwards (especially the 8 year old) they are absolute nightmares for days after for nightmares, read as a polite way of describing absolute little shites
You never invited anyone for late partying. You specifically put on the invites that it was a cake/nibbles thing, with the kids, then they were going to bed.
I hate people who can't be arsed to turn up on time to anywhere at the best of times, but for a kids birthday party?!
Nope, YADNBU. They are for turning up late, then refusing to go home and ordering pizza when you want the small ones in bed (who obviously AREN'T going to want to bed when there's relatives brandishing pizza about downstairs, I know mine wouldn't!)
I'm hacked off on your behalf!

Oh crap, sorry. Just rea-read and realised it was DH's brthday, not a child's! Oops. Still stand by my YANBU though. They were still being rude by not sticking to what the invite stipulated, or respecting your bedtime rules for the small ones.

Well, it seems you have tried several different diplomatic ways to send the message that your kids need to stick to their schedule, without them paying any attention. I was going to suggest a babysitter next time, but I see that you have already tried that and got grief. I suppose you could just do it anyways for evening events. It sounds like you all see each other all of the time anyways, and the in-laws won't die if the littles don't attend every single gathering. My aunt was exactly like this, would drive her daughter crazy.

Thecrackfox and shadows:

Not sure how many times I can say this-: it was NOT a party. party has already been arranged for 3 weeks time

Dh DID have a say- if you read my earlier posts you'll see we planned the midweek fiasco 'do' together. I didn't want it, dh didn't want it - mil got upset that she wouldn't be able to have a 'little celebration' of
her sons 40th on his actual birthday and started dropping hints about feeling left out. (despite knowing she'd be seeing him at work that day) Which is why dh and I agreed but set some limits. I.e nibbles (this was actually 4 loaves of foccacia bread and a range of dips for those who think I starved them) wine and cake. No party invite in sight.

As I write this I am aware that under no circumstances will I have a weekday gathering again.

Also the fact dh and I were pushed into it by mil needs to be addressed. We should have just said no.