mil hijacks social events

[PlopButNOPudding]

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

Ok just to clarify. The wed was his 'actual' birthday. It's his 40th. We are having a big party in 3 weeks time, all family and friends invited. It didn't really make sense to have another do at the weekend, and inlaws were putting me under pressure to do something on his actual birthday. If I hadn't stepped in and arranged myself, mil would have either booked a table at a restaurant for 8pm or invited us to hers for dinner. Even worse. At least by me arranging something, I can dictate the tone of evening, timings etc And pack dcs off to bed when i want. Or so i thought.

I should also clarifying about the 'allowing' of time together. They work together in a family business so mil sees dh every day 9-5:30. Including the day of the bday.

OP has been given a bit of a hard time I think.

Regardless of whether MIL agrees with / likes the arrangements, she shouldn't behave like that when she is a guest in someone else's home, and should take the hint when there are fractious kids about.

BIL was rude to turn up after 7.

Agree that you need to be more assertive to avoid this sort of misunderstanding again.

"BIL was rude to turn up after 7"

He could have had a reasonable explanation.

YABU. You invite the in-laws, who have a history of lateness and 'taking over', to your house 1.5 hours before you want the DCs in bed? Talk about setting yourself up for stress! How you didn't see that situation coming, I don't know.

I would arrange something for the weekend and telling DH that it's his job to get rid of them at an agreed time. They are his parents after all.

If I was invited to wine nibbles and cake at 5.30pm I would be posting on here asking if we were going to be fed!

Either of which you could have turned down by explaining about the children needing to get to bed.

I think it's just a case of putting your foot down and saying no, and if events get out if control, to just not have them there at all.

I don't think parents have some divine right to see adult children on their birthdays, incidentally. My parents sometimes do, sometimes don't see me. Inlaws NEVER see DH, haven't since he was 18 (though I'd give an arm for them to want to, ignorant fecks). They will not die I'd they wait for the party.

"If I hadn't stepped in and arranged myself, mil would have either booked a table at a restaurant for 8pm or invited us to hers for dinner. Even worse. At least by me arranging something, I can dictate the tone of evening, timings etc And pack dcs off to bed when i want"

Your husband does not "belong" to you, you know! What would have been wrong with getting a babysitter and the adults going out for a meal that night?

"I don't think parents have some divine right to see adult children on their birthdays, incidentally"

You may change your mind on that when your own adult children reach milestone birthdays. :)

you are NOT being unreasonable. You were trying to please everyone by arranging a small do on his birthday and then a bigger do in a few weeks. MIL should respect what you were trying to do and if she had a problem with a short week day do she should have raised it with you pre-event in a mature and adult way and NOT hijacked the party. It's difficult when you're hosting to keep an eye on what everyone is doing and you shouldn't have to 'parent' your MIL as well and keep her in check. Maybe next time tell her you're not having a mid week do unless she can behave herself and get DH to kick them out next time. If he doesn't, when the DCs are being a nightmare, open a bottle if wine, pour yourself a glass and flick on old episodes of ER and tell DH to get on with the DCs. He probably will back you up next time!!! Hooot!

Hmm, x-posted with you, OP, and more info makes it less U - although I stick by my comment that DH needs to be firmer with them about letting you stick to timings and pulling them into line and/or getting rid of them as required. It is easier with your own parents, IMO.

If my DS turns 40 with 3 children under 5, I'll be perfectly happy for him to do whatever he wants on his birthday, whether it involves me or not! I think the couple with the small children to wrangle ought to be able to organise things to suit them, really - maybe the DH didn't want to do anything at all.

OP, you don't say very much about his views except that he was happy with your original plan pre-hijack - does he want all his relations there on the actual day, or would he have been happy to do nothing till the big party?

Sorry, first sentence was to squeakytoy.

If you knew Mil would have booked a restaurant for 8pm, you also knew she wouldn't be happy with the "nibbles, done and dusted and out the door by 7.30"
It was bound to end in tears, wasn't it?
Btw, would a 9pm bedtime really knacker your children for the rest of the week?

Did all you MIL defenders see that this MIL works with her son in a family business, and sees him from 9-5:30 every day! Including that day!

You need your DH to be the one to say, 'No, actually we're not going to do anything this evening and, no, I'm not coming out to dinner.' If he won't then he's your real problem.

I wouldn't invite people over on a school night in future. They probably were hungry since they were at work.

I have hired baby sitter for these weekday fiascos before and been accused of trying to prevent mil from seeing her gc. the whole point of a family get together in her eyes is so she can see them.

This is not about me 'getting stressed' it's about mil ordering pizza even though she knew in advance it wasn't going to be dinner, and continually going into my dc room after I'd put them to bed.

OP I think you were setting yourself up here for a stressful time as has been pointed out by other posters.

Could I suggest, (and I don't mean to be disrespectful), that you relax a bit? It all sounds a bit too controlled and controlling. I do understand about wanting your young kids in bed and settled on a school night. But really, looking at the big picture, what is the possible harm in one late night on a very special birthday? Why not just have a drink, enjoy yourself and your lovely family, have a bit of happy chaos?

Agree with narkedraspberry, MIL seems very involved in their lives already, in which case the OP is not being unreasonable to request a small do on actual birthday. Wine, nibbles and cake means just that!!! Especially if MIL is already so involved in their lives that she sees DH and DCs all the time (guessing). Ordering pizza at someone else's house as if they simply "forgot" to cook dinner for you is incredibly rude, even if it is at a family members house...

YANBU

The invitation was quite clear and accepted then MiL wanted to change the invitation. That being offered an inch but taking a mile is very annoying.

Maybe they should have all gone out for lunch instead!

OP I sympathise- despite my best efforts whenever we stay with the inlaws it's one late night aftet the other for the kids. Then they comment on the bad behaviour and tantrums, all brought on by tiredness. I find it really hard to be assertive with MIL- she just doesn't listen to me. I get talked over and ignored, I put up with it for the sake of politeness, and then on the few occasions I do stand my ground I end up coming across a bit too forceful and causing an almighty strop. I'll be taking some of these tips on board!

Thanks for all the replies! I'm being defensive BUT i really do not think I'm being controlling.
I didn't try and keep to strict schedule, I didn't ask them to leave. I let the cake eating slip by nearly two hours to accommodate latecomers. I didn't cause a scene over pizza. I was happy for dc to run riot and have fun till way later than their normal bedtime. But when I did decide enough was enough I was completely ignored.
I just think if you are invited to someone elses house you don't change the entire format of the evening. It's rude and disrespectful.

My Dad is like your MIL OP. He'd be bemused (offended) at not being invited for dinner and would engineer it to his way anyway. Much like your MIL did.

Only way to beat them is to join them IMHO! So, in future you go ahead and dictate what is happening but make sure it suits your MIL's expectations.
Maybe that sounds like being a pushover but I find life less stressful like that.

FWIW, I think I'd have gone for a babysitter and adults dinner out that night so no need for you to have them at your house before bedtime.

Another time, you could try inviting the ILs to have a meal with you at somewhere doing an 'early bird' special.

That way, you feed the kids, & you can just gather them up & take them home when you decide it's time to call it a night?

in the meantime, yanbu - I wouldn't invite family for 5.30 unless I was planning on something more like they seem to have in mind (relaxed evening, kids staying up a bit) - but ultimately, your gaff your rules, & they must know perfectly well they're doing your head in. Jolly rude of them IMO.

i think you are being given too hard a time op.

you wanted to do a quick drinks and cake thing on a weekday evening, and you should be allowed to do that. if they didn't want to turn up for a short event then they should have said that they woudl just come for the weekend thing.

plus people who insist on doing something on the 'actual birthday' despite being invited to other birthday events are fucking narcs in my opinion. DP has friends who do this and it has ended in rows before now