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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

mil hijacks social events

168 replies

PlopButNOPudding · 02/08/2012 19:53

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

OP posts:

hawaiiWave · 03/08/2012 08:44

Yanbu, you were kind to invite mil and bil and they behaved with no respect for you. I wouldn't invite them on a weekday again.

If its the weekend, maybe invite them a bit earlier and agree with dh that dc go to bed at a certain time and make dh enforce it with mil. Your mil sounds like a disrespectful nightmare, I feel for you!

Original poster

PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 08:44

There is a difference between 'close' and controlling. A difference between 'making fuss of dgc' and disregarding what their mother would like. Unless you've had ils like this you really don't understand.
Yes dh was quite happy before mil seriously overstepped the mark on 3-4 occasions, the last of which which almost resulted in us splitting up. (another time- another story!) dh is on board with the 'work in progress' it's not something I'm forcing him into.

I know I need to be stronger too. Some good advice on how to be more assertive- thanks.

OP posts:

thestringcheesemassacre · 03/08/2012 08:45

I know my parents would never leave at 7pm and I wouldn't expect my inlaws to either. I would however have put the children to bed and got on with it.
I think you need to loosen up a bit. I don't understand how one late night disrupts children at school for a whole week. Bit dramatic?

Icelollycraving · 03/08/2012 08:45

Am I being dim,aren't kids on holidays? It's not a school night is it? Sorry if this has been discussed.

AWimbaWay · 03/08/2012 08:46

YANBU, your MIL would irritate the hell out of me.

Tanith · 03/08/2012 08:52

OP, if you haven't already come across it, may I recommend a book called "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward? It suggests some great strategies for dealing with MILs just like yours.

I don't think you are at all unreasonable. You're struggling to deal with a controlling MIL who you don't want to upset (don't know where Simone has picked up that you can't stand her since that's not at all what you said in your OP).
These women are highly skilled in getting their own way and blow everyone else - they've had years of practice. Compromise won't work at this stage, as you've already found. She'll just ignore you.
I think it's time you got some help

Haemadoots · 03/08/2012 08:54

Icelolly I thought the same thing about the school holidays,are all schools not off now.

Op tbf I think this was doomed to fail as others have said, if I organised a mini party to finish by 8ish there is no way my dc would be calm enough to trot off to bed and be sleeping by a decent hour. I think you just need to chalk this one down to experience and not over think it and next time make it a weekend.

Original poster

PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 09:11

Icelolly etc- I leave down under. (hence my bit about different time zone earlier) Not hols here...
Thanks for advice and replies. A lot of food for thought. I already have the book Tanith. Has been extremely insightful.
Off to have my dinner now so won't be back!

OP posts:

Original poster

PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 09:14

Live damn it LIVE. Not v accurate on iPhone...

OP posts:

wigglybeezer · 03/08/2012 09:16

She mentioned being in a different time zone, so I assumed she must be in the southern hemisphere.

Icelollycraving · 03/08/2012 09:20

Oh I see! must take more notice

CinnabarRed · 03/08/2012 09:42

Why was your DD1 at school on the Friday following when it's August? Surely the weeknight/weekend thing is a red herring.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/08/2012 09:44

You mil sounds a right entitled mare. Sorry.

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2012 09:49

Yabu

Surely you didn't think it was realistic to have cake, candles, grandparents etc and for your kids to trot off to bed as if it was a normal night?

My SIL puts end times on invites, makes me feel a bit unwanted tbh. I mean, why bother at all if you're going to ask your guests to leave before the natural end of proceedings.

quoteunquote · 03/08/2012 09:56

OP, In future make sure you meet for lunch at a restaurant, that way you can control how much you interact, and leave when you want,

If your husband's family have a close working relationship, then those patterns formed in the workplace will spill over into home life,

you have no chance of altering them, so always choose a neutral venue so you can escape.

girlywhirly · 03/08/2012 10:02

I don't think YABU. I would however read up on how to manage controlling behaviour from your MIL, and stop any evening parties during term time or at any other time until your DC are old enough to cope better with late nights. Are yours early risers, because yes they will be tired and grumpy next day if they wake at 5, go to sleep at 9pm and wake again early next day. MIL doesn't have to deal with the fallout from this, nor does she see the effects it has on their concentration at nursery/school next day.

You will have to formulate plans of action to deal with future events, as others have said. It's awful that you should have to be defensive because MIL knows no boundaries, but hopefully she will get better if you and DH maintain a united front in dealing with her.

lunamoon · 03/08/2012 10:23

Op-I was in a very similar situation to you.
It can all sound so petty to anyone who has never had to deal with this type of behaviour.
Actually though my in laws were not great at other things and didn't help us out at all really.
They used to insist on when they came to visit regardless of whether it was convenient for us or not.
I too moaned about it then put up with it so as not to appear unreasonable.

Now, many years later we hardly ever see them, our choice. My dh is fine with this and so am I.

Not very helpful but my pil was/is toxic and we have found it better not to let him in our lives.

issimma · 03/08/2012 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DublinMammy · 03/08/2012 10:34

OP, your MIL was very rude and overbearing. YANBU to be upset with her ordering pizza, dictating when the cake comes out etc. As others have said, just avoid mid-week get-togethers and I definitely think the whole "go out for an early bird" is a great suggestion. I think Don'tmindifIdo has good advice on extricating yourself from hers in the evening on your own timetable. Good luck with her. As you are Down Under you can have a nice now.

poorchurchmouse · 03/08/2012 11:41

YANBU, and I think some posters are spectacularly missing the point. I'm sorry you've got this to deal with -it sounds a total nightmare. As you've said yourself, you just need to be very tough about this kind of thing (pay attention to solidgoldbrass, she gives good advice), and stick to plans you've made. If she cries, well, so what?

SamanthaStormer · 03/08/2012 12:05

I don't understand how one late night disrupts children at school for a whole week. Bit dramatic?
You've either got children who can stay up late and are perfect little angels the next morning, or no kids at all.
Believe me, it CAN disrupt a whole week's worth of behaviour. If my 8 yr old had a late night (in the case of the OP's 9pm) he would be absolutely awful the next day and his sleep wouldn't catch up for about a week, affecting his entire mood and behaviour.
Some kids just don't 'do' late nights well.
My 5 year old on the other hand, would stay up dancing all night (if you let him!) and still be fresh as a daisy the next day.

seeker · 03/08/2012 12:22

" If she cries, well, so what?"

Yeah, so what. After all, she's only a MiL- it's not as if she has feelings or anything! You can always send her an "At Home- 5.30-7.00" card for next Christmas day. That'll give her something to look forward to, and you won't have to bother about her until then.

NarkedRaspberry · 03/08/2012 12:29

Seeker, did you miss the fact that this MIL works with her son in the family business every day from 9am-5:30pm and yet she still insisted that they had to do something that evening? That the OP only had them over to avoid the MIL booking a restaurant that night and that there's already a big 40th do arranged^?

I do wonder exactly what a MIL would have to do for you to think she was being OTT.

DublinMammy · 03/08/2012 12:32

That's right *seeker, poor, poor MIL, all those crocodile tears would deserve ALL the OP's sympathy. What a MONSTER the OP is.

CinnabarRed · 03/08/2012 12:38

The MIL doesn't get to work with her DGC though, does she?

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