mil hijacks social events

[PlopButNOPudding]

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

Cinnabar: that's correct, but refusing to leave the children's bedroom after a 9pm bedtime on a school night is not really reasonable behaviour, is it?

I don't know enough about this situation to know whether the mil was being ott or not. I don't understand any of it really - aand we've only got one side anyway. But I do understand "if she cries, so what?" I can't imagine saying that about anyone.

@seeker then why post if you don't know enough about the situation?

And I also know that there seems to be a special quality in the air when a child is kept up past their bed time directly or indirectly by a MiL which has a much more profound effect on said child's health, happiness and behaviour than if they are kept up by anything else.......

Doesn't stop anyone else, ethelb- why should it stop me? Qnd as I. Sqid, I do know what "if she cries, so what?" means.

"But as I said" that should read.

Catus - on that we shall have to disagree. I don't have any issue with my children staying up late to spend special time with family, including my PIL.

Sorry, wrong thread!

Er, seeker, are you on the right thread now?

Cinnabar: I have to admit I'm usually happy to send DS to bed if it means I get to have unniterrupted conversations with people I love whilst drinking good wine, including my MIL who is a wonderful person!

YABU. It was not any other occasion, it was your MIL's DS 40th B'day which she wanted to celebrate with the whole family on that day. And surely it is not such an unreasonable desire. Your DH isn't your private property.

If you felt so uptight about things beforehand, you could have moved the celebration to your MIL's place or a pub. And while your MIL should not have disrupted your DCs sleep hour, it is not like they went to bed at 11 pm. You cannot set everything in stone, esp. when it comes to such milestone personal occasions.

But I doubt you will pay heed, because so far you have only defended your behaviour without once trying to understand where the other posters are coming from. Again, quite controlling, I would say.

If they all finish work at 5.30, maybe that's why nobody arrived at 5.30 on the dot? To me, if you are invited to wine, nibbles and cake at 5.30, that suggests it's pretty casual and I would expect people would arrive any time between 5.30 and 6.00. (Different if it was a meal which would be ready at a certain time.) Arriving at 7.00 was a bit late, was there a reason he was so late?

Tbh, I don't know why you would invite people round to your houseat that time on a school night if you wanted your kids to be in bed at seven. Even if everyone left quite early, the kids would probably be overexcited and wouldn't settle to sleep easily.

op there is nothing wrong with having boundrys its clear from your posts that you and your dh share simmerler boundrys. just because other people within there own familys dont have these boundrys dosnt make you wrong it just makes it different.

even if your invite had of been formal why should that matter some familys work like that fwiw not one adult member of my extended family (those i did not give birth to) would turn up at anothers with out a invite formal or otherwise and dinner means dinner lunch means lunch wine nibbles and cake means just that,if you are invited for a meal the invite would actually say that,if you were invited for a weekend it would say that.

in some familys when a child turns into an adult leaves home gets married has children of there own,they cease to be treated like a child. they get to make the rules with regard to there own time and home, anybody who lives elsewhere if they visit they are guests even if they are related. your parents if they are any good are often the center of your universe when you are a child, when you grow up its time for them to step aside for your own dh/dw and children to become the center of your universe and so it continues on.

other familiys may be in and out of each others houses constantly they may do most things togather they may not have boundrys in that way,it may be ok to arrive at 5.30 and everybody may be very happy for everybody to be there till late,it may be perfectly ok to treat family members homes as your own,their may be no line drawn between family and extended family and with each new generation the family gets bigger.

others may have a mix of the two different ways, some may even go to compleate extreams like no contact or living miles away some may never even move away from the family home.

its just different cultures, different lifestyles, different backgrounds and a different outlook. you may love your compleatly inclusive extended family it may be wonderful for you and your family but to other people it may be there idea of hell.

Seems OP is either a push over or controlling.

Wel if you can't please them all you are probably doing something right!

You didn't want a mid-week celebration - you don't have one.

LET her get her knickers in a knot!

Next time she complains, explain the reason why - that it is unacceptable under any circumstances - to go into a child's room after that child's PARENT has put them to bed.

And then tell her to fuck off again for good measure!

Your MIL is as she is, and probably won't change, so I suspect your husband will have to man up OP!

YABU about arranging something neither you or your husband didn't want to.

YANBU at all about being livid about her disturbing your DCs!