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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil hijacks social events

168 replies

PlopButNOPudding · 02/08/2012 19:53

I need some advice on how to deal with an in-laws problem.

So, it was dh's birthday last wed and I invited mil, pil, bil and his 2 kids for: 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30pm' This was invited in writing to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings.

I deliberately didn't invite them for 'dinner' as I have a 5yo, 3yo and a 6 month old and if they stay up later than 7pm on a school night then 5yo just doesn't cope well for the rest of the week at school. My plan was feed kids before hand, guests arrive 5:30 for nibbles, glass of wine, cake. Kids in bed, done and dusted by 7:30-8ish. Dh wholeheartedly agreed. For previous celebrations we've had dinner (clearly mentioned in invite) and no matter how early i invite them, the evening goes on late with dcs awake till past 9.

Everyone RSVPed and said yes, everything fine. Bil then phoned and said he might be late. I said that's fine but reiterated that is was an informal evening with early finish and that hopefully there'd be cake left.

So. Firstly mil and pil didn't get there till after 6. Then bil didn't get there till after 7. Every time I tried to light candles to eat cake, sing happy bday etc I get blocked by mil 'we'll just wait for bil, don't you think?'
Eventually I just put my foot down and lit candles and served up cake anyway stating firmly "the dc need to go to bed soon and they were really looking forward to cake'

So when bil arrives mil starts fussing over him, asking him if he's hungry and orders pizza!

We're all asked to chip in and predictably pizza arrives 8ish. Guests still here at 9:30, I'm trying to battle the DCs into bed but inlaws keep giving them pizza, reading stories etc till after 9 despite me telling them repeatedly (and politely) to get out of bedrooms because they meed to go to sleep and that they've had dinner.

The rest of the week was hell. Both dd foul and dd1 v tired at school.

AIBU to think that if you are invited for 'nibbles' to someone elses house you don't turn up late and then start ordering pizza and ignoring instructions regarding children?

Yes I know you may think she's just being helpful but actually shes just taking control of something i'd planned. This btw, happens a lot. To give a bit of background, mil is extremely controlling. Have had many issues with her wanting to control our family life and coming between dh and I to the point it almost split us up. She can be very manipulative and needy etc. But does have a lovely side, can be very generous, is great with dc etc. I make an effort as they are a very close family.

As i said, this happens all the time, and whilst this may seem petty it's the last in a long line of social events that she hijacks and takes over. Dont get me started on what happened with our wedding, dc birthdays, other occasions. It's getting very frustrating.

How do I politely but firmly tell her to stop hijacking a social event that she didn't organise? Specific lines would bs useful please- obviously I'm not being clear enough.
OR AIBU?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 03/08/2012 07:39

yep, lesson learned - you can't try to make your MIL be someone she's not (reasonable, thoughtful) so stop trying and now work out how to manage her.

She can strop all she likes about wanting a 'midweek do' but tough if you dont want one. The other alternative would be to invite them for 'supper' - say you are going out first and invite them after 9pm if they really want to come round, that way you're DCs are already alseep. But I'd get better at just saying no completely to her being in your home or turning down invites, if you go to her, you can leave when yo'ure done. You need to start rail roading her right back.

the phrase "that doesn't work for us" should start being used a lot.

diddl · 03/08/2012 07:40

I suggest going to theirs or going out in future-then you can leave when you want!

MarysBeard · 03/08/2012 07:42

Sorry I misread - thought it was child's birthday. My MIL would probably just ask if it was ok to pop round on the day and not expect a get together.

VolAuVent · 03/08/2012 07:47

If you don't give an end time people will stay
Wine and nibbles is ambiguous as it's often followed by dinner

Uppermid · 03/08/2012 07:48

I really don't get why op is getting a hard time. Your inlaws were incredibly rude, turning up late and taking over. How you managed to stay calm and not say anything, I don't know!

If you did something like this again, I would call up and cancel the pizza and tell her quite clearly the children are going to bed now, if you keep disrupting them , you will not be invited mid week again. Stand your ground and don't let them walk all over you.

Original poster
PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 07:49

I'm laughing out loud at the number of people who think this was a childs birthday. Actually my dh's Blush
Its become a bit of a family tradition that dh and I get candles and cake on our birthday- yes even when we're 40!!! Blowing out is usually done by dc though :) including mil

Dcs know that birthday=cake which is why they wanted to stay up to have some. Whilst we waited for bil....

OP posts:
SimoneD · 03/08/2012 07:49

Seeker, I'm with you. Cannot imagine in a million years sending a formal written invite to my mother to have a bit of cake on my birthday. WTAF

Also, knowing my family I would expect them to be staying for most of the evening if I invited them for 5.30pm. It was your DHs 40th bday, would it have really been a big deal for the kids to stay up later, and yes it was rude for you not to wait for the bil before you served cake. Can almost sense your desperation to get them out the house as quickly as possible so its likely they did too

Think the real issue here is that you detest the sight of your mil but as far as you your OP is concerned, think YABU

SimoneD · 03/08/2012 07:54

Btw have managed my own mil taking over/staying late etc by doing what diddl said and letting her have celebrations at her own house. Its a win/win. She gets to organise things her way and have people over as late as she likes and me an the dc get to go home whenever we like with no arguments. And no washing up/cleaning for me the next day!

holyfishnets · 03/08/2012 07:58

Maybe send a detailed timetable next time and resend it again closer to the time as a reminder. Something like ...

I am feeding my family beforehand, so won't be offering a meal sorry. Please arrive at 5.30 as we will be lighting the candles/doing cake at 6 on the dot and it would be a shame if you missed it. Of course the kids will need to be in bed at 7, so we would need you to consider the kids/our needs and leave at this time too (last time things went on till 9 and as a direct result the kids were awful all the following week).

holyfishnets · 03/08/2012 07:59

If you are wanting the celebrations to continue, at 7 we will move to xxx pub which is rather lovely and only down the road.

Uppermid · 03/08/2012 07:59

Yes. It is a big deal for some if they're children don't get enough sleep. Especially on a school night. Just because yours might cope with it better doesn't mean all will or should.

The op has already stated that her and dh didn't really want to do anything on the actual day but were railroaded into it by mil. Yes they could have gone out or over to mil, but that wouldn't have worked either. For most people doing it at home would have been the better option as you have some sort of control over it. Yes maybe knowing how the family work it wasn't a great idea, but op wasn't being unreasonable expecting people to turn up on time and leave when asked to.

holyfishnets · 03/08/2012 08:00

It's your DH who should be moving them along and sending them on thier way

Original poster
PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 08:01

Simone: Where did I say it was a 'formal written invite'? Amazing what people assume when not reading properly. I said 'in writing' which was- to clarify, a text. Which had followed a phone call inciting and explaining in person.

If you'd read my other post properly too, you would have seen we'd shared many a late night / dinner etc before dc started school.

I wanted an early night on this occaision so my dd now 5, could get to bed before 9 and not be an emotional, tired wreck for the remainder
of the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 08:02

Inviting- not inciting!!!

OP posts:
MarysBeard · 03/08/2012 08:04

Sorry people have been twattish to you on here OP. It is quite clear your MIL has been totally unreasonable!

Original poster
PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 08:11

Problem with having things at mil house is that things go on even later and just about impossible to leave... I.e 9:30pm kids running amuck and desert not served.. Mil is fabulous cook and gets HUGELY offended if anyone leaves early without eating vast quantities of food. If I try and say that thd dc really have to get back to bed she says ' they can just sleep in our bed' Ummmm... Yeah right!!!
But this just comes back to me stopping caring her getting offended if things aren't going EXACTLY her way or her needs aren't being placed above absolutely everyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlopButNOPudding · 03/08/2012 08:15

Sorry meant to say - stop caring about mil getting offended

OP posts:
SimoneD · 03/08/2012 08:20

Ok, fair enough. You said in your OP that you'd invited in writing which suggests something more formal than a text to me
OP I've got a fair bit of experience in dealing with overbearing mils. You need to keep stating your case and the message will eventually go in. For instance when she says the kids can stay over, if you consistently and firmly say no she will stop asking.
I don't know how much support you get from your DH but the message has to be reinforced from him otherwise you'll be banging your head against a brick wall. It was only when we had our own dc and my DH stepped up that things started to improve

DontmindifIdo · 03/08/2012 08:22

I think you need to stop worrying about offending her, when she's obviously not worried about offending you - so if you do go over to hers, you should say before "we'd love too, but we'll need to leave by 7pm at the latest, will that be ok? If not it's best we don't come and ruin it for everyone else." when you arrive, remind her you have to leave at 7pm, then at 6:30pm remind your DH you are supposed to be leaving soon - at 6:45 start sorting coats and shoes, regardless of what MIL says - then you have a chance of being out the door at 7pm - you keep repeating, we did say we needed to leave. Then go, regardless of if pudding is served or not.

You will be able to repeat "but we told you we would leave at 7pm" - so what if she's offended by you not eating? You're offended by her behaviour in your house, why are you tiptoing around her when she doesn't do the same back to you?

catus · 03/08/2012 08:23

My God, OP, you are doing yourself no favors. You have to start saying no, and stand by it. If she gets upset or angry, then let her. She'll calm down eventually, and maybe understand that not everything has to be decided by her.

WigGold · 03/08/2012 08:23

OP in the nicest possible way it sounds like you need to relax a bit and allow some flexibility, your mil really doesn't sound that bad and your children won't be young forever, why spend these years having a constant power struggle over every family get together.

Relax and try to enjoy your mil making a fuss over her grandchildren.

starfishmummy · 03/08/2012 08:26

Birthday get togethers at weekends in our house just didn't work as MIL would insist on dropping in on "the day" as well, which meant that we ended up having to entertain them twice.

She would also arrive early "to help", which wasn't a help because usually we were ready and just trying to get us and ds changed. In the end we would invite her for half an hour later than we had asked everyone else. It was the same at leaving time as well - she would outsit everyone else.

MamaMumra · 03/08/2012 08:26

But they aren't any old guests OP, this is your DHs family and it's his birthday.
That's why I thought you were being unreasonable to get so upset at the way things panned out, when it doesn't seem surprising that the evening didn't go exactly as planned.
They sound like a close family and when you talk of "work in progress" regarding your DH and his mother, it sounds like you are the one who is unhappy with the dynamic, not your DH.
I've always felt that the brink fits of a nice and close family are huge, but that involves taking the rough with the smooth.

MamaMumra · 03/08/2012 08:30

Benifits not brink fits!

IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 03/08/2012 08:38

I always put a finishing time on my invitations. Maybe you should have put 'Wine, nibbles and cake at 5:30- 8:00' then people make more of an effort to be on time.