Am I just jealous?

[tinkersmelly]

My ex's girlfriend keeps calling our children her step children. As far as I am concerned she is dating him but my our children are nothing really to do with her yet as they have only been together 5 months.

They actually had an affair when my ex and I were married (and I was pregnant) and now, a year later, they are back together again. I will admit I am jealous of their relationship as I am nowhere near ready to move on yet.

I took our children to meet her as she will be in their lives to some extent, and she patted them on the head and introduced herself as their stepmum. I corrected her right away (they aren't even engaged let alone married) She also posts pictures on facebook of them in an album entitled 'My Family'. Which annoys me because they aren't her family, and she shouldn't be posting pictures of my children. I have asked my ex to have a word, but he sees it as harmless and doesn't want to cause friction.

Does anyone have any experience of this? AIBU to not want my children to call someone stepmum after 5 months?

Well they wont be calling her stepmum, so I wouldnt worry about that. She sounds a bit of a twat, but dont sweat it, honestly.

I wouldnt have bothered to take the children to meet her, let your ex deal with all of that.

It looks to me as though she is a bit insecure and is trying to wedge herself into a role that isnt actually there for her yet.

YANBU to be annoyed by her use of 'family' and 'stepchildren' - but if those are the words she chooses to use, there's not much you can do about it.

However, surely you're well within your rights to point out that you're not comfortable with her posting pictures of your DCs on FB.

Would like to add that if she's got a drop of sensitivity or intelligence then she'll remove the pictures, but it doesn't sound as if she's that strong on either of those qualities.

How did she respond when you corrected her?

No, you are not being unreasonable but be glad she is welcoming them with open arms and the relationship with their dad will be unchanged by her relationship with him.

I have a similar situation in that my ExH had an affair with his now live in GF, my DD moved in with them 3 years ago. oh the pain I tolerate it, but she doesn't actually rub my nose in it, like your Exs GF seems to.

Yanbu.

I have to wonder why you are friends with her on FB though? Or if not, then tell her to make her photo albums private.

What do your children call her?

I'm not friends with her on FB but its a small place we live in and we know a lot of the same people.

She just giggled when I corrected her, she is 22 (and my totally bias opinion is that its a very immature 22) and has no children and I feel she almost sees the fact she is with a man who has children as some sort of 'lets act like a grown up' game.

It would be a lot worse if she didn't accept them so I am marginally grateful for that, but there is a line and I feel she has crossed it.

I am very careful not to slag her off or demean her in front of my children as I wouldn't want to undermine her if they do get married and she does become a bigger part of their lives (thats a lie actually I would love to but I won't for their sakes).

Its just this whole 'my family' and 'stepmum' thing that winds me up I feel its too soon.

No pinknose thats spot on, I am trying to be mature about the situation but its very very hard.

My children have called her stepmummy a few times, I have always corrected them with her name, but it honestly feels like my heart is being ripped out when they say it.

tinkers you sound like you deserve a medal for your patience, tolerance, diplomatic skills - you really do!
She does sound silly and childish, and as if she hasn't though through what she's saying, even though (for someone who's done what she's done) she's (sort of) 'well intentioned'. She sounds infuriating, tbh, but it looks like you're taking the best approach you can, since probably making your point any more assertively to her or XH would just result in them concluding that you were jealous or sour grapey.

She does sound incredibly immature. I would probably be a lot less polite and accomodating towards her than you have been as well.

yanbu

she has the sensitivity of Ghengis Khan, what a silly twat

Looks she is 22, she is a CHILD.

But I think you need to say

Given that you got together with EX when I was pregnant, and are not married, I would prefer it if you did NOT refer to my children as your step kids. I also find it extremely insensitive when you post pictures on a public internet forum of my kids
We all need to get along. and when you are older you might understand why I feel this way. can you just humour me, and meet my request?

feel for you OP

Yanbu. Of COURSE she has no parental relationship with your children. You know that. You are obviously a reasonable person and you will soon move on with the way you are handling this. x

She sounds very insecure, actually. Probably because he jumped between you so many times she knows she can never really trust him.
I would be furious at the "My family" on Facebook, can't you stop her posting pictures of your family kids? You surely don't have to accept that.

I actually think she thinks I am genuinely being friendly, when they come and pick our children up I make a point of saying hi and asking how she is etc, I only do it because our children are there though, I would hate for them to ever have to choose between their parents because we don't get on. I know I need to speak to her privately about my issues, but I don't think I could keep it to just the issues about my children and would probably end up falling out with her, which is exactly what I don't want. I do think I am allowing myself to be walked over a bit but I can't see how to not fall out about it all if I bring it up.

Thank you pinknose, I could do with a cuddle just now xx

take a deep breath
and tell her, variant of what I said below

its completely reasonable, and if you stay calm wont be a fight

you are being 1000000% reasonable, and one day when she is a Mum she will understand and hopefully DP will leave her to, hahahahah

tinkersmelly, no advice really but I just wanted to say you are being so thoughtful and conscientious about all this, especially as she does sound very immature and insensitive. I'm sorry for your troubles. I don't think I could conduct myself with a modicum of your dignity in the same situation - you should be proud.

PinkNose is right!
It seems that she's so clueless, though, that if you want to try and tactfully address these issues with her, you really are going to have to try and explain things as you would to a child (say a 12 year old?)
Either, she's malicious, in which case you'll get nowhere, or she's very, very dim and genuinely hasn't realised that constructing a little 'family' around herself in her fantasy and Facebook world affects other people and she should give some serious though to what she's doing.
I feel for you, tinkers, I really do (even imagining having to 'explain' stuff in this way is putting my teeth on edge). But as others have said, you clearly have a grip - you'll handle this.

Lorca you hope that more childrens lives and family are torn about just so it somehow gets back at this woman? Really?

Porca I mean!

erm, maybe I got a bit carried away, annoyed for the OP!