Am I just jealous?

[tinkersmelly]

My ex's girlfriend keeps calling our children her step children. As far as I am concerned she is dating him but my our children are nothing really to do with her yet as they have only been together 5 months.

They actually had an affair when my ex and I were married (and I was pregnant) and now, a year later, they are back together again. I will admit I am jealous of their relationship as I am nowhere near ready to move on yet.

I took our children to meet her as she will be in their lives to some extent, and she patted them on the head and introduced herself as their stepmum. I corrected her right away (they aren't even engaged let alone married) She also posts pictures on facebook of them in an album entitled 'My Family'. Which annoys me because they aren't her family, and she shouldn't be posting pictures of my children. I have asked my ex to have a word, but he sees it as harmless and doesn't want to cause friction.

Does anyone have any experience of this? AIBU to not want my children to call someone stepmum after 5 months?

No no no do NOt leave it - do NOT let her have any interaction with your children AT ALL - show your ex the text so he knows exactly why. You sent. Reasonable request and received the most pathetic, stupid reply from this dipshit. If your ex wants to see the children I would say only without her.

Maybe it's not right but I would be very tempted to tell my children that this woman is not very nice to you and so it is best they don't see her - awful I know, but so tempting. I bet she has or will try to turn your children against you at some point so refuse her access.

I am so angry I could cry. This girl comes and blows my family apart , tries to elbow her way into a relationship with my children then sits and mocks me after I send her (what I feel is) a perfectly reasonable text. I haven't reaponded to that message.

My ex is going to have to do something about this now, if she can't control herself to me then I doubt she can control herself in front of our children. I have been so careful not to insult her, even when my kids ask me direct questions on my thoughts of her I say things like 'well she looks like fun' or 'I loved that top she was wearing' which absolutely sticks in my throat anyway.

And the text speak...grrrrrr, if you have to insult someone then can you at least spell it correctly.

I await my ex finishing work so I can have a chat with him, I really am going to find friday hard if this isn't resolved.

Jesus, I'm furious on your behalf. I'd be speaking to your ex about this immediately! How do you think he'll react? I wouldn't want her anywhere near my kids.

How can you be so reasonable tinkers? I think you deserve a medal!!!!

Please cancel Friday. Do not allow your DCs to spend time with anyone who disrespects your position as their mother, as this could become emotionally so damaging for them. She has shown she cannot be trusted

How old are your DCs? Sorry if you have said and I missed it.

Can u not report her to Facebook? And tell them the pictures she is uploading she doesn't have permission to do so ?

Oh. My. God. I'd have to be restrained. Please do forward her text to your ex, and then explain that he needs to see his DC without this poisonous womanchild. I think I'd choke on my own fury.

I understand the calls to insist on contact without the girlfriend present but unfortunately it's not the OP's call to make and would be seen as very obstructive to the fathers relationship with his kids. It's up to him who he spends time with when he has his kids.
You could insist on you not seeing her though, at least for a while. So she can either not come to pick up/ drop offs or she can wait in the car.

Agree with a word with ex. And show him the text..

Chin-on-floor here, unfuckingbelievable. I'm just so sorry tinkers that you now have to deal with distancing this idiot from your children.
I wish I could give you a cuddle too.

Well apparently her love does not extend to the English language which she has just butchered.

There, there, OP [pats back] least they're your kids and don't stand a chance of inheriting any of her endearing traits. So pathetic the way she's attempting to shoehorn herself in. Calling herself a "stepmum" seems to be a desperate attempt to give their relationship some sort of rubber stamp of approval and maturity. What a dick.

I'm with chickensaren't. and maritstella.

This thick homewrecker is poison. I'm livid on your behalf and I'd be tempted to ask her if she thinks he'll be shagging someone else when she's having his babies.

They are 10, 8, 5, 3 and 7 months old.

I don't want her anywhere near my kids, but I worry that if her and my ex do marry and have a family it is going to be awful for my kids, we will all have to be together for birthdays, weddings, grandchildren etc and I don't want my kids feeling awkward or feeling they have to choose. I don't know how he will react, he is a lot older than her (and me) and I think he sees her as some sort of last ditched attempt to hold onto his youth.

I am outwardly being reasonable but inside I am totally furious and am wishing allsorts on her (not nice I know). I'm just thinking of my kids they are the only think keeping me sane just now.

I am going to see what he says but I think I will cancel friday and he can come and spend the day here with them on saturday instead of them going there for the weekend.

I just want to say OP how well you are handling a shitty situation. you deserve a medal tbh.

I don't blame you for feeling funny about her calling your kids her stepkids but in a way its nice she is so welcoming to them, she obviously thinks a lot of them.

You are doing the right thing not slagging your ex off (even though he deserves it) but as others have said the kids will draw their own conclusions when they are older.

You sound a really lovely person and I hope you find happiness x

The chances are that they will not get married I would say! She is just playing games trying to piss you off imo and trying to feel important because she's probably desperately insecure - keep your children away from this toxic influence. I most certainly would in your shoes.

When you see exH show him the text, explain the issue and ask him to keep the illiterate child away from you. Given you have been nothing but reasonable, have not impeded access despite reservations (that now look to have some basis) it's the least he can do.

I admire your restraint Op, I really do I would be spitting feathers and giving her a good hiding

What a vile, stupid woman she sounds.

You, however, sound very dignified, tinkers.

I would definitely want to put some distance between your children and her. I would guess she is not trying to be diplomatic about you, as you are about her.

Yet again, tinkers, your self-control is amazing.
Do keep those texts - the chances are that she'll bring this up with XH.
In no way am I trying to make excuses for her, but perhaps she read some kind of terseness into your text (easily done) and her response was some kind of hysterical knee-jerk 'self-defence'. (She probably imagines that you and your terrifying friends bitch about her whilst burning her effigies of her over a cauldron - or whatever - and in her timy mind she's terrified.)
EMS makes a valid point about the impossibility of actually preventing DCs from seeing this 'woman' - so it seems that you're going to have to negotiate some sort of damage limitation exercise.
Just the basic facts in your posts here make it clear that she's totally immature and a loose cannon. Keep the evidence of that (her texts), don't exacerbate the situation (you seem to have super-human powers of diplomacy so far...) and calmly explain that you don't want her anywhere near you, and why.

And no you don't have to do stuff together. If birthdays fall on the day he has the kids, you just celebrate it with them and your family the next day and vice versa. No missing out, just extended birthdays

Don't be too accommodating tinkersmelly, as a mother's well-being and happiness has a lot to do with her dcs, and you need to show them that you esteem yourself and won't be walked over.

The OW is a piece of work, isn't she? Almost just deserts for a cheating tosser

It sounds like you're handling it incredibly well OP. It must be so hard to remain reasonable in the face of such jeering. Keep taking the high road.

I call DP's son my step-son, even though we are not married. But I mainly call him this for ease of reference, like on MN or when he comes up in an anecdote or story or something that I'm telling someone who isn't familiar with my set-up. I don't think I've ever referred to him as "my step son" in front of him himself, or my DP and certainly not his mother. Maybe I would if we were married or had been together for 10 years or something, I don't know. But if I realised I was upsetting anyone by using the term, I'm pretty sure I would stop. The most important thing is being respectful and maintaining good relations, not "your right" to call yourself one thing or another. I hope she realises that soon - I guess she's getting used to what it really means to live your life with other people's children as a major factor in it, but that excuse can only go so far...

Unless they got married I would have no hesitation in preventing this total bitch woman from seeing my children. The children need protection from hearing lies about their mother that will make them feel insecure.