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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just jealous?

231 replies

tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 16:53

My ex's girlfriend keeps calling our children her step children. As far as I am concerned she is dating him but my our children are nothing really to do with her yet as they have only been together 5 months.

They actually had an affair when my ex and I were married (and I was pregnant) and now, a year later, they are back together again. I will admit I am jealous of their relationship as I am nowhere near ready to move on yet.

I took our children to meet her as she will be in their lives to some extent, and she patted them on the head and introduced herself as their stepmum. I corrected her right away (they aren't even engaged let alone married) She also posts pictures on facebook of them in an album entitled 'My Family'. Which annoys me because they aren't her family, and she shouldn't be posting pictures of my children. I have asked my ex to have a word, but he sees it as harmless and doesn't want to cause friction.

Does anyone have any experience of this? AIBU to not want my children to call someone stepmum after 5 months?

OP posts:
PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 22:50

You could ask your friend to report her poisonous Fb posts, tinkers.

Sighingagain · 01/08/2012 22:52

I really wish people would stop telling op to keep this woman away from her children - it's not her decision - it's her exes.

And believe me - I know all about having to accept things you absolutely hate but you have no power or control over - it's unfair, it's harsh - but it's the realities of life.

PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 22:53

Exactly, sighing.

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 22:56

Haha I don't care if her foot gets shit or shot, both would be fairly entertaining haha.

He is weak, he gets swept along with things just to keep the status quo, he is someone I will have to deal with forever more though so its harder to fall out with him as we would always have to make it up in the end, of that makes sense (although I am fully aware he has done worse to me than she did, he was the one who was supposed to be committed to me)

He is going to call tomorrow aboout arrangements for the weekend. I guess its going to be entirely down to the choice he makes regarding his girlfriend.

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 01/08/2012 22:57

Shot it then shit on it Angry

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 01/08/2012 22:58

"As ye sow, so shall he reap"
As Dot Cotton would say! Grin
As someone else said, I also predict an 'accident', a rude awakening and a lot of male self pity!

MissPants · 01/08/2012 22:58

bongaloo you wouldn't think it but I would have real difficulty articulating that in a face to face situation! I'm painfully shy and can't stand up for myself unless via the written word. I'm useless on the phone too, such a wimp really Grin

MissPants · 01/08/2012 23:00

Shit on her foot pickles Grin

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 01/08/2012 23:03

It would be rather ironic, not recommending, just painting an interesting scenario, you understand if, after the 'accident', rude awakening' and 'male self pity', the roles were reversed and you were the 'stepmother'! Grin

Olympicnmix · 01/08/2012 23:04

It's about what is best for your dcs. It seems that exH has had his eyes opened at bit, even though maybe he'll fold under her malign influence. However, you are not denying H access, heck, you haven't denied dcs contact with the OW totally, but not wanting the dcs exposed to this level of unpleasantness is sensible. The aim of both parents, when so much has been turned topsy turvy for the dcs, is surely to maintain their security and safety.

When the opportunity arises, I would be tempted to ask open questions of the dc re the OW, with them knowing that nothing they said would make you upset with them. Dcs have been known to keep quiet about their worries, fearing they'll upset mum or dad.

And a big ((((())))) for how upsetting this must have been and with what strength and quiet dignity you are conducting yourself. Don't hesitate though in letting friends and family support you over this.

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 23:06

50shades, he made it clear that he has made a mistake with her and if I chose to I know I could get him back. I still love him, but I don't trust him at all so I would never ever go back there again, however difficult it is.

Re the FB comments my friend printed them out for me, but as she has only called me 'she' or 'that' or 'his ex' I don't think there is a whole lot can be done about it. She has taken down the photos now so I'm told.

If she ever insulted me in front of my children then I would cut off contact straight away. She hasn't done this yet so, although I don't like it, if my ex chooses to have her around them there is nothing I can do without their relationship with their Dad being effected which I would never do, he has been a shit to me but he is a good Dad.

OP posts:
Olympicnmix · 01/08/2012 23:07

Does you H know they are going to have ''bbyz" [boak]? He might want to up his own personal contraception!

Sighingagain · 01/08/2012 23:10

I'd smother her with them - ask Exknob to help you out running them around - etc.

There are 5 of them - must be very hard x

PlumpDogdePodiumPunchesdeAir · 01/08/2012 23:17

If you wanted to 'do something' about Fb posts then you probably could, tinkers, as it would be clear who she's talking about.
FWIW, something like being pulled up on her potentially defamatory posts (ooh, get me and my legal jargon!) might be the sort of little wrist-slapping, foot-shitting or whatever that she needs since she's behaving like a bratty teenager who doesn't see the consequences of her pathetic actions.

ScrambledSmegs · 01/08/2012 23:18

Ew. Exactly, why on earth would you want him back? He's so weak he would let his rather unstable girlfriend dictate how he sees his children! You can do so much better than him.

I bet he doesn't call it quits with her. I'm guessing that he doesn't want to be alone, and will stay with her till someone better in his opinion comes along. Sorry tinker Sad

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 01/08/2012 23:18

It's good that your ex knows about these bbyzz too. Can't imagine he was over the moon about that!

squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 23:19

I know what I would be tempted to do.. I would lead him on, let him think he can come back.. make him tell her that he wants to be back with you and his family...

and then tell him to fuck.right.off... Grin

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2012 23:20

Me too Squeaky

MissPants · 01/08/2012 23:20

I think you would be right to insist that she doesn't have contact to be honest. OW has very clearly shown herself to be intent on point scoring at the expense of the children's well being and that shouldn't be ignored.
Changes to a child's family and parenting arrangements are difficult enough for them to deal with without being embroiled in OW's pissing contest.

If this girl carries on in the same vein, and realistically it looks like she lacks the maturity to amend her behaviour, the children are at risk of emotional harm. At best they will be distressed if the relationship fails and they lose their 'stepmummy' and at worst they will be exposed to negative influence against their mother.

Personally I think the consequences of having this girl around the DC's unchecked are greater than the consequences of their two parents sitting down and discussing a compromise wherein OW is distanced for a while until things settle.

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 23:21

I have actually got a bet on that she will be pregnant within 6 months despite her supposedly not wanting children until she is 30.

She will end up in the same situation as I am without a doubt, although the temptation to sleep with him and get back with him to get revenge would be overwhelming I wouldn't want to be the cause of anyone else feeling like this. Thats not to say I would be upset if some other woman falls for his 'charms' and did it.

I showed him the message and he was pretty horrified, but she is just a young girl with no kids so I'm not sure what he thought would happen really it would be a pretty rare situation for her to not want kids eventually.

He doesn't actually help during the week, he has them on a friday night every week but doesn't deal with school runs, clubs, parties etc it is bloody hard work. I think she has this tainted view of parenthood from the one fun day per week they get.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 23:24

How old is he?

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 23:26

22, although I would say she is quite an immature 22.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/08/2012 23:26

He was pretty horrified at the bbyz revelation, but not the abuse directed at you?
He's a selfish fucker really, isn't he? Sad

Original poster
tinkersmelly · 01/08/2012 23:26

sorry I thought you said she, he is 48

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/08/2012 23:29

oh jeeze.... 48? I was expecting you to say he was early 30's or something...

(apologies if I missed his age earlier in the thread)

Hmmmm... tell him you will have him back so long as he has the snip... Grin

then tell him to fuck.right.off... Grin

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