Am I just jealous?

[tinkersmelly]

My ex's girlfriend keeps calling our children her step children. As far as I am concerned she is dating him but my our children are nothing really to do with her yet as they have only been together 5 months.

They actually had an affair when my ex and I were married (and I was pregnant) and now, a year later, they are back together again. I will admit I am jealous of their relationship as I am nowhere near ready to move on yet.

I took our children to meet her as she will be in their lives to some extent, and she patted them on the head and introduced herself as their stepmum. I corrected her right away (they aren't even engaged let alone married) She also posts pictures on facebook of them in an album entitled 'My Family'. Which annoys me because they aren't her family, and she shouldn't be posting pictures of my children. I have asked my ex to have a word, but he sees it as harmless and doesn't want to cause friction.

Does anyone have any experience of this? AIBU to not want my children to call someone stepmum after 5 months?

Your self-control is amazing! I admire your resolve to support your children in this relationship despite the personal cost. I cannot imagine why she feels entitled to mock you and imply you somehow deserve to be alone at weekends?! What an utter, utter bitch! He cheated on you, yes, but she knew about the children and then acts like this?! Immature isn't the word!
She comes across as completely unreasonable and jealous. How disproportionate a response to a polite and concillatory request?

I agree with Benedict, how did your ex go from you to her? I don't understand how a man can get aroused by a woman who texts like that. I really hope she doesn't have 'bbyz.' I'd put money on your ten year old being more mature.

Your ex should have dealt with this already. Pathetic.

What a stupid, stupid bitch. She's behaving like a cornered rat, which tells you all you need to know about how secure their relationship is.
Can you keep your children away from her?
I would show the text to your ex, and tell him you have no intention of allowing your children anywhere near this well of poison. for you.

I havent read all the comments. I was pissed off with ur first OP n when i read her reply to ur txt i am now fuming.

I dont know how u have remained so calm. I would have thumped her by now n im not a fighter. You need a medal.

My ex is remarried n my dd doesnt even call his wife her stepmum as even though legally realistically she never will be.

I did take offence to the 22yr old being called a child. I was married, divorced & had a child wen i was 22 n no way would i behave the way this person has. I think she is just a cow & needs to b put in her place.

Is 5 months a long term relationship. Five months !! Why is she even in your childrens lives?

Just adding my support for u op. I agree with what fiftyshades said. Cancel Friday and do something nice with your dc. She doesn't deserve contact with them after that. The only good thing about that vile text is that u have proof of her character and u can show others including your ex. for u. But be proud that u are handling this so well. Loads of support for u on here.

Am completely at that OP. Forward the text to your ex so he can see what she has written although frankly he needs a bit of sense knocked into him if he sees anything attractive in this spiteful little infant. Agree with laying down the law time with your ex - if he wants things to be civil he needs to keep her in line. She sounds like a mentalist

Wow, just wow

My advice is to take it a day at a time. Do not worry about anything that may happen in the future.

She has so far over stepped the mark she is on the next chapter but she is an idiot, an insecure child and is trying to mark her territory.

You have no option now but to tell your ex what she has said and make it quite clear she is to have nothing at all to do with your children and if he chooses to go against the mother of his children, then he has made his choice.

Kids don't necessary need certain people in their lives and especially don't if they bring twats with them..

Quite honestly, I wouldn't have put that message in a text, Tinker... that said, the reply you had is horrid. Ignore it and don't send her any more text messages. It's not a suitable medium for anything other than jokes and confirming arrangements, in my book.

It's very difficult with the 'stepmum' thing; so many people aren't married - and don't want to marry - that the lines get quite blurred and you can't really use 'marriage' as the guidepoint anymore. Also, some people seem to think they are in stable relationships after a few weeks/months and behave as if the 'commitment' is forever.

I really feel for you that this is so raw. I wouldn't reply to the text but I would probably arrange the meet the pair and have my say - calmly - but to both so that nothing can be a 'he said', 'she said' backlash. You are the childrens' mother and this woman needs to afford you the same respect that you afford her. That text message was really unnecessary and shows her crashing lack of maturity.

I don't see though that you can enforce or demand that she doesn't see your children. What your ex does is his business and if she treats the children well, that will have to be enough. I think you'd lose if you make it a 'choice' between your ex doing what you expect - and what his girlfriend expects - and the children would probably lose out too.

Horrid situation but I think the only thing to do is withdraw from contact with her yourself.

I take my hat off to you OP!

Good god! YANBU!

I am a stepmum, and I have been with DH since I was 17. (He'd already split from his wife before i'd even met him.) I would never ever have sent a message like that to his ex. Not that txtspk existed way back then! But I do know DH would have gone absolutely mad if I'd spoken/written to her in that way.

I hope your DH is the same.

LyingWitch has a point about text contact.
OW's response was pathetic, but it could be that she 'read' (non-existent) aggression into the text. IMO this is really easily done - people somehow imagine texts to be passive-aggressive or sarcastic and if they're feeling insecure this can be touchpaper to a flame (or whatever the expression is).
You could be extra-magnanimous and explain why you don't think it's a good idea for her to refer to DCs as 'family' after such a short relationship. This will be really difficult, but maybe, just maybe she'll have it in her to start to understand.

I've learned to have a shut down switch when it comes to what happens to my children and their dads. No point worrying about what I can't change, got out of the relationship to escape arguing and infidelity, why continue on letting it worry me. So long as my children are cared for, let them do it how they wish, he's equal parent and I can't control what goes on off my own turf, so I won't let it control me. Don't give it a minute's thought.

It's not easy, I have to visualise the switch when I catch myself starting to creep in, but in the end it's less hassle, and they get what they need from me, and their dad does it his way, and we are all happy.

Hmmm -I look forward to hearing what your ex says when he finds out he's part of a happy plan to have babeeeez. (Plural!) I might be wrong here but generally when a man in his 30s with 4 children and a pregnant wife cheats with a 22 year old he's not looking for someone to have children with!

Do you have lovely plans for this weekend? If not, can you post what part of the country you are in. I bet there is at least one mumsnet tear who would be happy to get steaming drunk have a lovely night out with you.

Well done for your restraint Tinkers. The woman (i use that term as loosely as possible) is clearly an imbecile.

The thing is tho, you wont be able to stop your children seeing her if she lives with their Dad (also if he already has 5 kids is he really planning more with this 'woman'?) and if you try to and she carries on she will see it as winning. She also is exactly the kind of twat who loves this kind of drama.

Don't give her the satisfaction. I would tell ex what has been said, that you just object to her saying they are her step children. Ask him to deal with that and say you don't want to see her at pick ups and drop offs.

She is clearly a total moron, and his punishment is having to be with her, and hers is being with someone who also is apparently so stupid he left someone with your grace and dignity for an illiterate fuckwit!

Don't give her tawdry insignificant existence any more facebook drama fuel. You know she is just playing at being a grown up and will be showing off to all her equally stupid friends.

You should really be awarded the mn gold medal for being a saint! I would not have shown any of your reserve.

Ok I have read this now and am shocked but - when I read the initial post I was going to say dont give her the satisfaction of asking her anything, she is young and will take no notice.

You cant keep her away from your children, no matter how hard you want to, and I think it will start world war 3 and only harm them if you stop contact.

Awful as it is legally, exh can do what he like when he has them.

I wouldnt communicate with her at all - just with him, my advice is to go somewhere really lovely Friday and stick some photos up of you having a great time (even if inside your heart is breaking), think about it calmly.

She writes like a teenager, how much of a "great time with her family" do you really think she is going to have looking after 5 children including a baby, she is going to find it a nightmare.

I think encouraging contact, sending them for night, killing them with "children overload" would be far more effective!!! She will never be able to cope with all of them for say a whole weekend.

But negotiate a "parents only" baby sitting rule, under the guise of - want us as parents to be the ones to enjoy time with them idea, so that he has to ring you if he wants to go out when he has them.

Its bloody hard work being a step parent, she just needs to discover that for herself.

What a fucking bitch. Well that clears up any suspicion that she was oblivious to how it would hurt you.

I would send her something along the lines of

OK,I sent my message under the impression that you were unaware of how insensitive you were being and hoped once you realised you would understand why it is inappropriate to behave in this way with the children XH and I share. Your response has made it clear that your intention was to bother me. How awful.
I'm sorry you think I am jealous, let me assure you that you are quite welcome to my husband. You are not welcome however to refer to our children together as your anything. They are the children of your boyfriend, no more.
I wholeheartedly accepted your involvement with my children and made an effort to be civil despite your part in destroying their family,this was under the assumption that you had their best interests at heart. It is clear now that is not the case and I am unwilling to allow you to use my children as tools to hurt me with or to mark your territory. I will be discussing with XH the best way to move forward from this childish response to what I see as a very reasonable request.
I'm sorry that you cannot be adult about this for the children's sake. I will not trouble you with grown up matters again.

I actually do regret texting her now. I wish I had done it face to face but I wasn't sure that I could restrain myself, which is maybe just as well as I may well have given her a smack in the teeth if she had said this to my face.

I have called my ex and he is on his way over to discuss things now. He seemed really upset so I'm hoping we can be reasonable about this.

I can't really stop him having her in our childrens lives, if I get into all that then their relationship with their Dad will suffer and that will give him leaway to dictate who I can and can't have in their lives too.

Apparently its already on facebook (I don't have an account but my friend just called me).

tinkers - we cross posted in case you missed my post under yours.

Dont communicate with her, at all!! It legitimises her in her eyes. You are dignified, she is a child - her text and sticking it straight on FB makes that clear.

She sounds like something from the Jeremy Vile show! Do not lower yourself OP she is obviously up for a public slanging match.

No,you can't stop her being in his life but you can stop her seeing your dc. Contact center or at yr home only?

She's behaving like a child. 22 year old women are perfectly capable of behaving like the adults they are, but she sounds deeply immature. Doesn't really reflect well on your ex, that he would cheat on you with someone so ridiculous.

Something I wondered - your children have asked you what you think of her? Why? Surely it matters more what they think of her. Have they told you honestly?

She is an absolute bitch. But you need to step back and stop letting her hurt you. She may call them HER family, but she will NEVER be their mother! And kids are not stupid. They will NEVER see her as a mother either!
From a slightly different point of view, I was a small child with divorced parents. Both cohabited with new partners. I found it VERY difficult for years to work out what I should call the new partners. If somebody had told be that I could just say stepmum/dad my life would have been a lot easier! Having titles for them wouldn't have made my mum or dad any less who they were!

What the hell has she put on facebook?

What a child. I hope you ex is adult about this and remembers that as the mother of his children you need respect.