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AIBU?

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Original poster

to lock DH out tonight and consider asking him to move out permanently

694 replies

binrel · 30/07/2012 20:42

This afternoon me and the dds and my brother who is visiting because he is on holiday from university were in the garden just playing football. DH came home early from work and he was clearly already in a bad mood and joined in. My brother then started teasing him whilst they were playing football against each other and he started doing these twists and turns with the ball whilst goading him. He then gave the ball to dd, the next time he got the ball DH charged towards him and leapt off the ground before tackling him. DH's feet went into my brothers leg just above the ankle and my brother's ankle bent in a horrible looking way.

My brother's was in agony on the floor and DH got up and shouted there you go you little twat before storming off into the car and away. I had to call an ambulance as my brother was in so much pain, the dds were also very distressed (they adore my brother). He got taken to hospital and he has suffered partial tear to his ankle ligaments. It's going to take 2-3 months for him to recover. I'm so furious with him for what he has done and the way that he charged over to him with such malice and viscousness, it was obviously not an accident. He went without his house keys I feel like locking the door so he can't come in tonight and I'm really questioning our relationship after this. He has deliberately hurt my brother who I love and so do the dds and they were both hysterical after it. Also we can't afford to go on holiday this year I thought having him stay for 10 days would at least give them something to look forward to this summer and he's done this.

OP posts:
clam · 01/08/2012 21:53

This is a hideous situation that the OP is in. And her brother, of course. And his girlfriend and the two little girls. And, actually, for the OP's husband, although he is the one at the centre of it all and whose actions are responsible, regardless of what happened for him at work that day.

I don't know what the answer is, but I have to say that, given what little the OP has told us, it does all seem to be a little casual after the event. DH goes off somewhere overnight, won't talk on the phone (or ask after the brother even, it seems), calls back home for a chat with a takeaway and some wine, and offers to pop in on the brother to say sorry in a few days' time.
Even allowing for the fact that he's got a possible job dismissal on his mind, it still doesn't quite cut it, to my mind. How are things on the home front between the two of you this evening, binrel?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 21:54

Pictish I think the difference is that for some of us, what the dh did is an instant deal breaker. It would take a hell of a lot more than apologising the way OP described before some people coud even think of forgiveness. That post that you quoted says so much more from what isn't written than what is.

It is ridiculous to say that people want it to be a catalogue of domestic abuse.

CuriousMama · 01/08/2012 21:55

Queen just want to acknowledge the tragedy you went through, how truly terrible for you and all involved Sad

OP your poor DB and his GF Sad I hope this can get sorted somehow but I agree at the very least they need some compensation for his work loss.

pictish · 01/08/2012 21:58

You don't know what the difference is!!
You don't know what this man is going through - how he feels. You can't compare!
All we have from the OP is that he is remorseful, has apologised to his children, accepts that he is not forgiven, and is going to face his brother in law in person at the weekend.

People do not always do what you would do, in any given situation.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 21:58

I do think sometimes people don't understand the premise and the nature of MN, despite being on many of these threads and being around for yonks

Ask a question, expect honest replies

When it's a very controversial subject like violence in front of dcs against a person more vulnerable than yourself, expect people to disagree strongly between themselves and question the OP when it appears she isn't acting in her own best interests

it's how it goes

say your piece, but it's not really on to say "who are you to say X, Y or Z???" in Nicky, BB stylee

because the same can be directed right back atcha

clam · 01/08/2012 21:59

Still Shock at what tuhne said! Distant memory? I don't think so!

pictish · 01/08/2012 22:06

Anyway - I will bow out this thread and leave you to it. I didn't mean to get so animated about it really...I just think some of you could do with simmering down with the whole I'll-tell-you-about-your-own-husband routine.

The OP is more disgusted by him than any of you by far. You don't need to convince her.

LJ29 · 01/08/2012 22:10

Ladies, Mumsnet is meant to be a support forum for parents, not a place to villify people. I think it is reasonable to come on here and expect support in an unbiased, non aggressive, unimposing way. For those who can't say anything that will help why say anything at all. Its not a soapbox for those against violence. Its serious, thats not in dispute, nor is it excusable. But going on and on about how awful it is is not going to help the OP now is it?

She needs guiding through the situation, a bit like counselling (might be a good idea for them actually) so that she can come to her own decisions, rather than being told what she should and shouldn't do. No wonder OP doesn't come back here very often!

I feel for anyone who has been subject to violent situations but perhaps if you need to talk about them you should start your own threads because every situation is different.

shorttermnamechange · 01/08/2012 22:11

I stand by my earlier post, when I said that the husband is a thug. The OP seems to be behaving as though this is something which can be fixed by a nice dinner and an apology in a couple of days time. I think she needs to wake up to how her entire family will now be viewing her husband.

What he has done, is something that this family will never forgive him for - at best they will paper over the cracks, for the OP's sake, but they will always remember if the OP doesn't treat this with due severity. What happened isn't the OP's fault, but she does have some responsibility for what happens next.

If it is made very clear to her, just how this will be viewed, by family and friends, perhaps she will be less inclined to let her husband sweep this under the rug and impose some proper consequences. They shouldn't imo be sitting down to a cosy dinner - the OP should be insisting on a sincere and real apology to her brother now, not some vague time over the weekend and the husband should be making a financial commitment to the brother and his gf, so they don't suffer any more than they are. I would make my husband see someone about anger management - if nothing else it will show the family that he is taking this seriously.

So far, there has been no mention of helping the brother out with money. I know things are tight financially, but this has to be a priority.

If my husband had done this to my brother, there is no way I would feel like eating dinner with him and my family would be horrified by the lack of visible support for my brother. She is caught between a rock and a hard place, but OP you have to send a very clear message to your husband and your family that you are not tolerating this or minimising its importance.

LJ29 · 01/08/2012 22:15

They shouldn't imo be sitting down to a cosy dinner

How on earth do you know it was cosy? What right do you have to make that judgement?

This could have been one of the most hurtful/awkward/difficult moments in their relationship, none of us were there, we have no idea what kind of atmosphere there was or how the OP behaved towards her DH. Don't judge her when we know very little about it.

RindersGoesForGold · 01/08/2012 22:16

Everything that LJ29 said. Hope you're okay binrel.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 01/08/2012 22:19

LJ, we aren't counsellors, this is a Internet forum full of randoms who are here because they want to have internet conversation about what other people post. That includes giving their own thoughts on subjects.

GnomeDePlume · 01/08/2012 22:22

A MN lynching at its worst

I dont think I have ever seen so much rope made out of so little thread.

I will hide this 'discussion' now and leave you all to finish tying the knots and choosing a tree.

LJ29 · 01/08/2012 22:23

And the Mumsnet Talk Guidelines quite clearly state that their should be no personal attacks and so far some of the posts on this thread are treading a pretty fine line.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 01/08/2012 22:24

You know, the posters going on about how mean we are, keep us replying to them when we are trying to ask if the OP is okay. You're actually the ones detracting from support and further discussion.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 01/08/2012 22:25

Then report them LJ.

I find the comments that we WANT this to be domestic abuse pretty damn disgusting myself. I don't wish domestic violence, especially to this degree on anyone. That's not even a personal attack, that's just sick.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 22:26

an "MN lynching"

are you reading a different thread to me ?

some of you are very delicate flowers

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 22:28

I take offence at it being inferred I wish for a litany of domestic violence and guilty of hanging someone from a tree

and yet I call a violent thug out on his behaviour and question why his wife is brushing his thuggery under the carpet

delicate flowers, my arse

shorttermnamechange · 01/08/2012 22:29

I don't think I've lynched the OP. I have told her to get her head out of her arse and not allow her husband to minimise this, or her family will never forgive either of them.

Admittedly, that's not warm and fuzzy advice, but in the long run I think it is is good advice if she wants her wider family to ever accept her husband again.

LJ29 · 01/08/2012 22:29

Lurking this is a self moderating forum, reliant on grown women being respectful and sensible. It shouldn't come to reporting people.

No one is suggesting that we shouldn't condone violence. Its not at all acceptable. But what we need to do is find a way, collectively of helping her to work through the situation. However the tone of some of the posts has probably put OP off coming back here for support. She'd struggle to get a word in amongst the bickering!

pictish · 01/08/2012 22:30

What I meant by that comment is that people are reading way more into the story than the facts have provided. It's growing arms and legs everywhere, as some of you warm to your theme.
You know that is what I meant. I know you do.
Don't turn on me because I embarrassed you. I'm not going to fight with you.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 22:31

stop bickering then, LJ, you are a contributor to it too

LJ29 · 01/08/2012 22:33

I don't intend to bicker I am just trying to get you to see that we can help OP more if we are constructive instead of critical.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 22:33

the only people who should be embarassed are those that are minimising this man's violence

if you are not, no need to feel embarassed

clam · 01/08/2012 22:42

The brother sounds like a nice lad, actually. He didn't appear to be casting blame on the H at the time, he was trying to entertain his nieces the following morning, despite his predicament and his girlfriend has predicted that he "is stupid enough to forgive him for his sister's sake."

So, supposing that he accepts this forthcoming apology. Is that really going to be a line drawn under the whole sorry episode? Or should it be, even?

What a mess.