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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried about DS after he had unprotected sex

176 replies

lavenderfields · 30/07/2012 20:39

I am worried about DS. He went to a party and had unprotected sex with a girl. He came back and told us in his drunken state.

He knows all about condoms but said he didn't have one and wanted to get his first time over with. He says she wasn't a virgin and neither of them had any protection

He says she is on the pill but is worried she could have got pregnant or given him an sti. I rung sti clinic and they said wait 7 days before coming to be checked.

He now wants to text her to ask her if she remembered to take her pill but doesn't know how to phrase it. Any suggestions? I told him not to text as it will be rude but he is insisting.

Getting over the fact he was so bloody stupid, any helpful suggestions on what he could say? Will also put this in teenagers!

OP posts:

messyisthenewtidy · 01/08/2012 20:34

When DS gets a bit older I'm going to make him read this thread!

Am just asking self why would she take MAP if she was already on the pill? Are you sure your son didn't tell you that she said she was on the pill to stop you getting too mad at him?

Hopefully all will end up ok, and your DS will be super careful next time. Like one poster said, when he has sex he is potentially choosing the mother of his child and needs to understand that he might have to see this woman every other weekend for the rest of his life!

I do think boys need educating more in general. There is so much in society and the media that presents sex to them as something without consequence.

Krumbum · 01/08/2012 21:31

Golden. It is not her fault if he then chooses to have more unprotected sex with other women. In what world is that down to her? That is HIS fault for continuing to have unprotected sex.
Thebigjessie that particular friend already has 2 children so her fertility is not a top concern, although I think it still should be and do nag her.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 22:36

so it's nobody's collective problem then that std's are rife and chlamydia wrecks the future fertility (sadly) of many women ?

that attitude is what is causing the rise in such cases

TheBigJessie · 01/08/2012 22:38

I hope she manages to work everything out in the end before she ends up on the wrong end of any statistics. Good luck to her. I used to have a friend with similar taste in scumbags "men". She never listened to me either.

Krumbum · 01/08/2012 22:39

Ok everyone should use protection. But it seems very wrong just to blame the women it would be the man passing it on (if she did have an std) and the fault of the woman who then doesn't use protection with that man.

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2012 22:44

The fault of the woman who doesn't use protection with that man
So every woman except your friend then? How does that work?

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 22:49

krum, I agree, it's the responsibilIty of everyone

but we were talking about your friend specifically for a while, since you brought up her individual behaviour

and the collective always boils down to the individual in the end....it's called personal responsibility after all

which is kinda where this thread started, actually

Krumbum · 01/08/2012 22:54

I do tell her. Over and over. But it doesnt change. I also tell my other friends male and female. I don't understand it at all. But I can see that there is a lot of pressure on women to do whatever the man wants sexually and that seems to mean unprotected sex.
Femdoms really should be promoted more! It would help a lot.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 23:06

she;s a grown woman, it's up to her

TheBigJessie · 01/08/2012 23:13

As far as I can tell, from my friends' anecdotes, men who are unwilling to use condoms (and thus don't attach much importance to their health or their partners) don't seem to attach much importance to things like respect in other areas of the relationship, or being any good hur hur.

SkinnedAlive · 01/08/2012 23:28

Sadly I see what Krumbum is describing a lot :( I am a mature student at uni and lots of students in their early/mid 20's don't use condoms for ONS. It is expected the woman will be on the pill and that it will be infallible. A lot of them will be learning some very horrible lessons the hard way. STI's are not considered, and people do not seem to get tested for STI's - even when they have symptoms . These are students studying medicine/vet med so have studied virology, bacteriology and should know a LOT better. Its scary

SkinnedAlive · 01/08/2012 23:32

Actually I should add its very multicultural and some nationalities seem a lot worse than others about condom use.

Krumbum · 02/08/2012 00:07

Most of the people I'm speaking of are British so I think this culture is equally bad.

LilBlondePessimist · 02/08/2012 03:29

FGS, what is with the sexist man blaming shite? If a women agrees to sex without a condom then she is EVERY BIT as much to blame - if you're grown up enough to be having sex then you're grown up enough to either insist on a condom or just say fucking NO! I don't buy this crap about poor little diddum widdum girlie felt obliged to 'man-please'. More fool her in that case. Take responsibility for your own sexual health or don't shag randoms, it's not rocket science.

LilBlondePessimist · 02/08/2012 03:37

Oh and OP, fwiw, I think you should be very proud that you've cultured a relationship with your grown son where he feels he can disclose things such as this to you. If more parents did then maybe we wouldn't have so many teen/young adult suicides, where they feel too ashamed and/or isolated to be able to talk to anyone about their insecurities and problems, but that's a separate issue. Yes, what your son did was wrong, stupid, and unfortunately could result in serious consequences, the least of which would be a dose of crabs! However, the fact that he seems to have almost instantly regretted what he did and be stressing about it so much shows that hopefully, he won't put himself in that situation again in the future. I agree he should get tested in a week or do, and again in a couple of months, and all he can do other than that is pray that the girl's contraceptives have been successful (thanking his lucky stars if they have), but be prepared to do the right thing if they haven't. Hope it goes ok OP.

LilBlondePessimist · 02/08/2012 03:39

week or so*

GhouliaYelps · 02/08/2012 08:07

If at 18 years of age you have to ask your mother to help you compose a text to a woman you have just had sex with then you are not mature enough to have sex at all. It is just bizarre.

LilBlondePessimist · 02/08/2012 08:33

I have sex. I'm also 34. I've also asked my mother for advice about speaking to sexual partners about delicate matters. I'm not immature.

FallenCaryatid · 02/08/2012 08:40

'If at 18 years of age you have to ask your mother to help you compose a text to a woman you have just had sex with then you are not mature enough to have sex at all.'

I think if you have unprotected sex with a stranger you are not mature enough to have sex. I take it your children are not 16+ then, Gouliya? It is surprising how many supposed adults still value the opinions of their parents about things they lack experience of.
I could say the same about the number of parents on here asking for advice on all sots of things, many very trivial, they should be able to manage alone as adults.

GhouliaYelps · 02/08/2012 08:40

The OP son, very sadly, did not feel up to actually talking to the woman he had sex with, panicked and asked him mother to write a text enquiring about contraception days after the event.
I really don't think he should have sex again until he is ready to take responsibility for himself and the OP needs to make that point with him
Loud and clear.

FallenCaryatid · 02/08/2012 08:42

Yup, and the girl in question didn't think enough of him to leave her phone number either IIRC.

LilBlondePessimist · 02/08/2012 09:14

If you read it again, he was still drunk when he spoke to his mum, and then, from what the op said, it was either that night or the next morning he wanted to contact her. Talk, text, whatever. It's how 18yr olds communicate. Hell, it's how some 48yr olds communicate. He's 18 though, and on a very steep learning curve, and from the sounds of it, even if in retrospect, fairly sensible in his thinking. Ok, do he's panicking. Isn't the first and won't be the last.

Margerykemp · 02/08/2012 11:03

Fallen- if the 'first time' had been such a big deal for him why did he drunkenly shag a stranger at a party? That doesn't sound like someone who's been saving himself. More likely it was the first time he had unprotected sex.

FallenCaryatid · 02/08/2012 11:05

Did I say he'd been saving himself?
If you are an 18 year old virgin, alcohol loosens many an inhibition. Just start a thread asking how many MNetter's first shag was under the influence.

Margerykemp · 02/08/2012 13:13

Can you really get to 18, at university, without 'saving yourself'?

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