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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about DS after he had unprotected sex

176 replies

lavenderfields · 30/07/2012 20:39

I am worried about DS. He went to a party and had unprotected sex with a girl. He came back and told us in his drunken state.

He knows all about condoms but said he didn't have one and wanted to get his first time over with. He says she wasn't a virgin and neither of them had any protection

He says she is on the pill but is worried she could have got pregnant or given him an sti. I rung sti clinic and they said wait 7 days before coming to be checked.

He now wants to text her to ask her if she remembered to take her pill but doesn't know how to phrase it. Any suggestions? I told him not to text as it will be rude but he is insisting.

Getting over the fact he was so bloody stupid, any helpful suggestions on what he could say? Will also put this in teenagers!

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 30/07/2012 22:23

Athing maybe she wants to doubly sure she doesn't get pregnant. The pill isn't 100% full proof from pregnancy.

Krumbum · 30/07/2012 22:23

She is still a teenager!
I'm not saying she doesn't have the right to choose to have unprotected sex at a party. But there is a lot of pressure on young women to always be available for sex and to man please. Not using a condom has much more of a negative affect on women than men. Most young women are not empowered enough to insist upon protection as they also subconsciously see sex as the right of men.

MorrisZapp · 30/07/2012 22:25

Do people actually do hand wringing and STI testing after one shag? I dunno. It just seems like the virgin/ whore thing. She probably doesn't have an STI.

If your son regrets the sex, then he can alter his future behaviour accordingly (until the next time he's drunk and fancies someone!) But for now, he could probably chill out a bit.

Krumbum · 30/07/2012 22:25

Mynewpassion if he wanted that he would have used a condom! How about caring about her not worrying about himself.

StuntGirl · 30/07/2012 22:25

In her situation, terrified of getting pregnant, I'd take the morning after pill anyway just to be safe.

DanyTargaryen · 30/07/2012 22:27

You can get a MAP on a sunday, I have done so myself.

AThingInYourLife · 30/07/2012 22:27

The MAP isn't foolproof either.

It's less reliable than the pill, is it not?

I really can't imagine why you would take it if you were using a reliable form of contraception.

If they'd used a condom would she have taken the MAP?

marriedinwhite · 30/07/2012 22:27

Women will never be equal until every woman understands that the consequences for her, the woman, are greater than those for the man and takes responsibility in this wonderful age of contraception to ensure she doesn't have to face them. Yes of course men use women and it is very very wrong but women let men use them and that is just as wrong and even more foolish as we are generally more intelligent and more sensible.

Yes it would be lovely if men took equal responsibility and though about it and talked about it and took responsibility for everything they ever did, but they don't, they were bred (that isn't the right word) for battle and for hunting and women to nurture and to keep the home fire burning. Men are ruled by the dicks, women are ruled by the needs of the babe at the breast. It has changed a bit and women, thank god, have so much more control than a few generations ago. But they need to be empowered to use that control and to make sure they are safe at all times. And some men and young men need to be sure that they are not being manipulated by some women who might, just might be a bit more sophisticated than them.

FallenCaryatid · 30/07/2012 22:29

Woman as eternal victim again, Krumbum?

mynewpassion · 30/07/2012 22:29

No MAP isn't fool proof either but having the pill and MAP = double the protection, hopefully.

Its the same as using the condom and the pill. The more forms of protection, the better.

AnyFuckerWillMakeDoWithBronze · 30/07/2012 22:30

your son is 18 ?

I thought we were talking about a 15/16yo here.

He's not a little boy. You are treating him as such. Let him face the consequences of his own actions.

FallenCaryatid · 30/07/2012 22:31

'He's not a little boy. You are treating him as such. Let him face the consequences of his own actions.'

They both need to.

AThingInYourLife · 30/07/2012 22:32

I think any bloke who takes a stranger's word for it that she is on the pill is an idiot.

The consequences may mostly fall to women, but so do the choices.

If you are a bloke you get one chance to make sure you don't become a father against your will, and that is when you insist on wearing a condom.

StuntGirl · 30/07/2012 22:32

Your son does sound very silly and immature though OP. Maybe he should refrain from having sex until he can approach it and deal with the consequences in an adult way.

AThingInYourLife · 30/07/2012 22:33

"No MAP isn't fool proof either but having the pill and MAP = double the protection, hopefully."

I'm not sure it works that way.

AnyFuckerWillMakeDoWithBronze · 30/07/2012 22:35

he will remain silly and immature if his mother does all the worrying and thinking and mopping-up of consequences for him

my response ?

"You stupid sod for not insisting on a condom. Did you learn nothing at my feet? Sort it out, and learn your lesson."

Floggingmolly · 30/07/2012 22:36

He's 18, Married Hmm. And she's a year older, hardly a Mrs. Robinson type scenario, eh? Op gives the impression her son is younger, certainly, because she seems to have an unhealthy amount of input into his sexual exploits, but he is in fact old enough to take responsibility for his own sexual health.

Krumbum · 30/07/2012 22:39

Lol marriedinwhite it's not that simplistic.
We are raised in a culture that from birth encourages these attitudes. It's not just oh women need to not 'let' themselves be used. It's about changing the way women are socialised by patriarchy.
Fallencarityd. No women are not the 'eternal victim' but they are in a lot of situations and they shouldn't be! Why do you think it's right that so many men refuse to wear condoms?

SardineQueen · 30/07/2012 22:41

I agree with morris TBH.
She prob won't have STI but no harm in son checking himself out.
Can't see the pregnancy thing - she's a young woman at university the idea that she secretly wants to get pregnant is a bit thin isn't it? More likely that she will be extremely pregnancy averse.

Devora · 30/07/2012 22:42

I'm finding this thread slightly strange. I'm trying to put this politely, but your son is 18, not 14. It seems to me slightly strange that you two are discussing this in such detail, agreeing that she is a little hussy who seduced and 'used' him, getting you to ring the STD clinic for him...

Isn't this an opportunity for him to learn about personal responsibility? (i.e. that he shouldn't be blaming her, nor getting you to sort out his STD test for him). Did we all get our mums to sort this out for us when we were 18?

FallenCaryatid · 30/07/2012 22:44

I think that all men should be responsible for using condoms when necessary, and that contraception should be a concern for all participants. Where have I said otherwise?
I just think that an intelligent young woman should be able to take equal responsibility about any sex that she's having, without it always being assumed that she was afraid, pressurised or unable to say no.
DD is a university student, she and her friends don't see themselves as little girls who are waiting to be preyed on by all those opportunistic randy men.
They see themselves as equal and able to say yes or no and be respected for their choice.

Devora · 30/07/2012 22:44

Oh, just seen others piling in with the same thought!

Seriously, OP, you've said some slightly dodgy things about this young woman on this thread. It's not helpful. Be glad she and your son had fun. Suggest to him that next time he has fun he makes it safe fun. Job done.

marriedinwhite · 30/07/2012 22:45

krumbum only if they allow themselves to be. I'm 52, the age when mothers were expected to bake a cake and be subserviant - and although the women in my family were feisty, that was how I was raised. I was sent to secretarial college and finishing school ffs. But I was also taught you can say no, you have your own mind, you have your own money and something deep within me said "yep, and I'm going to work and be independent" and then I met DH and got married and learnt to smile and nod and be a mummy. And when my youngest was 5 I was bored and went back to work and took some professional qualifications.

mynewpassion · 30/07/2012 22:47

I think its fine to great that children can discuss this very situation with their parents. It could have wide ranging consequences. However, I would not have said that she was a cheap hussy looking for some vulnerable little boy to father her child.

I would've been raging at his stupidity and reading him the riot act. Then, I would tell to call her to discuss MAP. Also, I would make sure that he calls to get himself tested for STIs.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 30/07/2012 22:48

I think YABU for (What seems like) pandering to his self pitying, woe is me attitude. He had sex, He wasn't forced. He could have said no. They are both as stupid as each other. She is not some predatory monster. She did no more than he did!

Make sure he gets checked out and tell him next time put something on it, Or say no.