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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be worried about DS after he had unprotected sex

176 replies

lavenderfields · 30/07/2012 20:39

I am worried about DS. He went to a party and had unprotected sex with a girl. He came back and told us in his drunken state.

He knows all about condoms but said he didn't have one and wanted to get his first time over with. He says she wasn't a virgin and neither of them had any protection

He says she is on the pill but is worried she could have got pregnant or given him an sti. I rung sti clinic and they said wait 7 days before coming to be checked.

He now wants to text her to ask her if she remembered to take her pill but doesn't know how to phrase it. Any suggestions? I told him not to text as it will be rude but he is insisting.

Getting over the fact he was so bloody stupid, any helpful suggestions on what he could say? Will also put this in teenagers!

OP posts:
Talyra · 31/07/2012 10:15

Ignoring the argumentative tone of the thread! Teens are still developing their sense of consequences and do make decisions that seem a bit odd. I bet both boy and girl are feeling bad about this today.

I think it's good that he can come to talk and talk about how he feels, I couldn't with my parents when I started having sex. I think he will have learned his lesson, but depending on whether he has a source of income or not it might be an idea to buy him some condoms - some teens get self conscious buying them as well. The testing is a good idea, but it would be a good idea for him to go again a few months down the line, as some STIs such as HIV cannot be tested reliably until 3-6 months afterwards. Also he should be aware that GUM clinics do not test for HPV and HSV. He should be alert to early signs of herpes (initial outbreaks are sometimes missed) or genital warts. If he does find these then while the sores are present the GUM clinic can test for them.

Somewhere it was mentioned about the morning after pill - it works best within three days after sex not just the day after. You can take it later though, just it's less likely to be effective, but worth the try. And I believe IUDs can be fitted 5 days after for emergency contraception (not relevant to this particular situation I suppose but the sort of thing that is useful to know - I am a contraception geek).

Trills · 31/07/2012 10:19

He needs to:
1 - get himself checked out
2 - buy some condoms
3 - use them next time

That is all.

larrygrylls · 31/07/2012 10:40

This is a strange thread.

Two ADULTS have sex at a party. The man (yes, 18 is a man, despite so many wanting to infantilise) decides to run home and blub to his mummy that he regrets it and blames the girl for seducing him. Then he panics about pregnancy and STIs.

And, why can't the girl bring condoms if she fancies casual sex? They are available to all and there are even automatic checkouts so you don't need to speak to a single human being. And, really, it is up to her to deal with the contraception if they don't use condoms, although if she doesn't it will have big consequences for both of them. I doubt a reminder text (text FGS!!) will change her actions one iota.

He needs to just relax a bit and enjoy his youth. I think the creepiest bit is telling his mother and asking her to help him compose a text.

And, on the other side of the world, in Afghanistan, there are 18 year old adults making life or death decisions without any need to consult their parents. How has adulthood become so delayed for some? When you had to go to a phonebox at uni for your weekly call to your parents it seemed much more natural than what is happening now.

BigBandwitch · 31/07/2012 10:41

I think you're going in a bit heavy with talk of gum clinics tbh. There is a big difference between 'not a virgin' and promiscuous. She slept with somebody she hardly knew at a party BUT SO DID HE

Noren · 31/07/2012 11:03

bigBandwitch I go to GUM clinic once a year on principle, just to make sure. It's the adult responsible thing to do if you're not in a closed relationship. Doesn't imply judgement. If you make GUM clinics a place for only the "promiscuous" (Horrid word laden with judgement) people won't use them. If you've had unprotected sex, get tested. If you haven't, get regular peace of mind testing anyway!

Morloth · 31/07/2012 11:05

Geez a couple of young adults had an ill advised shag.

The female has taken the morning after pill (and is on the pill in any case) and the male should swing by the clinic in a bit if he thinks it is a good idea.

This really isn't THAT big a deal.

sashh · 31/07/2012 11:12

Two adults have sex, they are both stupid and didn't use a condom - that is the end of the story. They should be going their seperate ways and getting on with their lives.

OP what do you mean by your son being 'clean'? Do you think the woman wasn't?

I don't believe she seduced him, I think they both wanted sex, there wasn't a condom and they took a risk.

If I was the woman and I got a text the next day asking if I was on the pill I'd probably say I had taken MAP just to shut the guy up.

Morloth · 31/07/2012 11:14

It was also none of his business as to whether she had taken the MAP or not.

It was kind of her to respond to his text.

larrygrylls · 31/07/2012 11:15

And they say romance is dead....

Birdsgottafly · 31/07/2012 14:40

You need to get the message across to your son that every time he has unprotected sex he has just chosen the mother of his child, whether that child will actually be born is another matter, but he won't have a say.

lovebunny · 31/07/2012 14:42

i so seriously would not want to have sex with any bloke who would go home and tell his mum afterwards!

Birdsgottafly · 31/07/2012 14:47

I have DD's and they all share what happens in their life, to the point that i know when they (and their friends) are going to the GUM etc.

I don't see why sons should be different and they can get a lot more educated by an adult woman, rather than their mates.

larrygrylls · 31/07/2012 15:57

However good a parent one is and however well one can educate one's children, it is natural for teenagers to create some distance from their parents and establish their own identity in the world, including sorting out their own problems and learning from their own mistakes. Of course parents should be there in extremis to help, but this is not extremis. In fact for most young men, it would be a great night out! And how about a text along the lines of "thanks for a lovely evening" at least, rather than "have you taken your MAP".

How on earth can children grow up into adults when their parents are doing the same job when they are 18 as they did when they were 8?

Birdsgottafly · 01/08/2012 16:44

But some mothers of sons don't bother at all.

If the girl goes home and starts having D & V, then she could get pregnant, it is then her choice whether she has the MAP.

I have DD's, so i will know the outcome for any GC's, do mothers of sons not want to know that for their GC's?

thebody · 01/08/2012 16:54

Can't really imagine my dss telling me that had just had unprotected sex, as they know what we would say, not impressed.

Teenagers shag, he was a prat to not use condoms but it's not really earth shattering. Op if he's old enough to shag he's old enough to sort out his own text message.

My dds are 12 and 13 though and we talk about everything.

We also have a condom drawer...

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2012 17:02

It's also her choice whether to contact the op's son with any news on that front, Birds.

Are you really advocating interrogating all parties to casual shags your kids may have to ensure no grandchildren are being born in secret? Shock
Educate your children certainly, but there is a point where it's definitely beak out territory.

Birdsgottafly · 01/08/2012 17:38

No, i am advocating from an early age educating boys that they should give a shit about who they choose to be the potential mother of their children.

Many men do not equate unprotected sex with potential babies born into families that they know nothing about and that their children could face neglectful childhoods.

That is aside from the STI issue.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 17:46

when men of normal intelligence have sex they are fully aware that a baby could arise out of it, neglectful situation or not

I don't understand your point, Birds

ll31 · 01/08/2012 18:16

i think your over involvement in your adult sons sex life is strange tbh. i think you should back off and let him sort his own personal life out himself.

Krumbum · 01/08/2012 18:47

Birdsgottafly. You are right. It should be drummed into men that unprotected sex causes babies! They can say they know it but they obviously don't enough if they continue insisting on condomless sex!
I realise this doesn't mean much as its just one persons experience but it is poignient. My friend (who should know better!) often has unprotected sex with men, she has on several occasions asked different men what would happen if she became pregnant. The men have all got angry and said 'why would you ask me that? Are you trying to get pregnant?' when they know full well that she is not on any hormonal contraception and they are not using a condom. They appear to think women can only get pregnant if the choose to after having sex Confused. They dont see it as a real consequence or responsibility of theirs.

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 19:00

krum, your friend needs to start moving in different circles

ones where the men are not ridiculously stupid oiks

GoldenFucker · 01/08/2012 19:00

and she needs to sort her act out

thebody · 01/08/2012 19:00

Well as a mother of 2 adult sons I have most certainly drummed safe and responsible sex education on them. All my friends with adult sons have done the same.

Can we please stop generalising that young men are careless and feckless.

My dds are now being taught about safe sex issues etc.

I don't expect any of mine to have unprotected sex until trying for a baby but if they do 'fuck up' its just as likely be my girls as my boys.

thebody · 01/08/2012 19:01

And Krum your friend is a daft stupid mare.

thebody · 01/08/2012 19:02

And obviously attracts like minded twatty blokes.

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