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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:
mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 16:27

Good for you! We tried to get things cheaper too to ease the budget up a bit.

It's all about choice isn't it. The choice to send more on your dress or drinks, flowers or food. The choice to invite or not , the choice to attend or not.

marriedinwhite · 30/07/2012 16:28

Here, here Lambethlil. And Krumbum, when you get married make sure you invite just the bride to the wedding breakfast and not her new husband who isn't a blood relative. Revenge is a dish best served cold and all that.

Have a lovely wedding though and in reality be gracious and smile and nod, smile and nod and show them how to do it.

emsyj · 30/07/2012 16:43

I've never understood the 'we didn't have space' argument, or the 'the reception dinner was £75 a head so we could only afford X number of people' excuse that people so often use to try and justify rude and inhospitable behaviour over weddings. Surely you work out what you can/want to spend and how many people you are going to invite, then select your suppliers accordingly? But apparently not. To some people, bizarrely, having a specific venue (perhaps to look pretty in the photos?) is more important than making sure their friends and family are there to celebrate with them and also that the guests all have a good time. I don't get it. The wedding is over after one day - then all your friends and family are still there, large as life! Why offend someone when it is so avoidable?

YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 16:45

Mandy- yes of course the OP can choose not to go.

However, you can still insult someone by excluding them. They can choose not to go, but they have still been insulted.

People have long memories and it will mar not only their memories of the wedding, but even of the couple themselves.

You don't split up established couples. It is the height of rudeness to tell someone their fiancée has to wait elsewhere during a meal and can only join in between certain times.

No, you don't have to attend a wedding, but sometimes the damage has been done and the resentment can last for years.

clam · 30/07/2012 16:52

mandy: "If you don't go when they have tried their best to include you it will make you look really petty"

Tried their best to include her?????!!! I don't think so! Made her feel like an outsider in what will be her family in a few months, more like.

JustFabulous · 30/07/2012 16:59

It seems that certain people want as many people to show off too when they are actually have the marriage ceremony but don't give a stuff about them having to fill in 4 hours and then have as many as possible in the evening as they don't pay per head for that part of the day...

nkf · 30/07/2012 17:01

I think it's depressing to believe that weddings always involve someone being offended. That says everything I need to know about big, expensive, elaborate, "dream" weddings.

YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 17:16

nkf- I agree.

Some brides can be "it's MY day, it's all about me, and I don't care who I insult or offend to get it all my way"

There are some lovely examples on this thread of slightly cheaper weddings that have been inclusive and leave the guests with happy memories and on good terms with the B and G. It CAN be done!

elizaregina · 30/07/2012 17:36

lamb

"You can make a wedding a bit cheaper and include everyone

Hear hear! My dress cost £200 + £100 gift for the lovely friend who offered to make it, we got up early the day before to buy flowers and decorate the church ourselves, no wedding cars and were able to invite everyone to all of it."

Wow, is that a 'budget dress'?

Mine was £30 reduced from a high street shop, more a summer dress really, no hairdressers, no make up - certainly no cars and photographers, we got taxis to church!

The two bridesmaids, one kindly brought her own dress of her own choosing and I got the other using old vouchers...

One friend bouhgt the bouquets as a wedding gift and certainly no church flowers and I made the orders of service myself.

I still couldnt have afforded to include everyone.

The food was from a supermarket, we did catering ourselves - let ALONE actualy have a caterer!!!

I think some ideas of budget are way off here.

We looked at catering and there was no way we could afford that!

modifiedmum · 30/07/2012 17:37

I think it's rude, sorry. I would be totally offended at that! And I would expect my other half to stick up for me to. I wouldn't dream of splitting any couples up and I won't and I didn't on my first wedding. Just rude! And no I'm not rich, I just budget well and think anyone can. End of day if people are making an effort to dress up and come to my wedding and probably bring a gift, I want them all to feel welcome and not awkward.

elizaregina · 30/07/2012 17:44

Krum

Dont take it persoanlly, I would also be offended if an invite came through in same way - BUT its easy to get offended over these things....

dont take it persoanlly I bet they agnoised over this - and tried to find a middle ground...

Trills · 30/07/2012 17:49

Haha, wedding threads always descend into this ridiculous competitive thrift.

My wedding dress was 50p in a charity shop and I got them to reduce it to 30p because the lace was crumpled.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 30/07/2012 17:52

I wouldn't go, that's incredibly rude.

elizaregina · 30/07/2012 17:56

someone crowing over cutting costs on a £200 dress, doesnt sound to me like somoene actually cutting cost.

what is that £200 dress compared too?

£30 IS budget. £200 is not.

ceres · 30/07/2012 18:10

eliza - my dress was around £200. it was low budget proportionate to the total cost of our wedding.

people have different budgets. it's all relative.

emsyj · 30/07/2012 18:12

But Trills, we haven't yet had the classic, 'anyone who has an expensive wedding is stupid, a bridezilla, has no respect for the true meaning of marriage and will be divorced within the year'.

lambethlil · 30/07/2012 18:12

The point about the dress costing £200 was that that was what the material cost.

If I'd had a £2000 dress, we'd have had to invite people for evening only.

I chose a cheaper dress over pay bar or evening only invitations

If we couldn't afford that I'd have had a small family only wedding, and been very happy with that.

My point is that split shift weddings should be the last resort in cost cutting.

Trills · 30/07/2012 18:32

The cheaper your wedding the more you love each other. FACT.

GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 18:37

If they were married then it would be different because she has married into the family.

Well we shall agree to disagree as I cannot accept the mentality that your
Df should miss his cousins wedding because they can't afford the meal for you.

^ Mandy - The above quotes leave me to believe that you don't think couples who aren't married are as important as those who are. You might need a bit of paper to legally be family, but if the OP is engaged to the brides cousin - then she is part of the family. It is up to the bride and groom who they invite but splitting up a couples invites is inconsiderate.

NKF - I completely agree.

It is really sad that people go all "It's my day" bridezillaish. When you invite guests you have a duty to be a good host.

DowagersHump · 30/07/2012 18:38

Weirdly, I have been to 3 weddings at the same registry office. All 3 had their receptions in pubs - 2 of them in the same one. Two out of 3 of those marriages have ended in divorce :(

But everyone had a lovely time :o

DrCoconut · 30/07/2012 20:05

We had a running buffet at ours. Plenty of food for all. Everyone was invited to the ceremony and reception which ran from just after the wedding till the close of the venue. I would not dream of splitting up families and creating a 2 tier system. Either I want you at my wedding or I do not! We chose to have an less costly but inclusive party and we do not regret it at all, people said after how relaxed it was. There were no seating plans, long boring speeches, hours faffing round waiting for things to start either, it was straight in after a few photos and help yourselves!

nkf · 30/07/2012 20:20

I quite like the thrifty wedding stories. I think there's something almost radical about not getting caught up in the drive to spend spend spend. What I find really tawdry is the high ticket wedding where the bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses or really really bad food is served at a shocking price per head.

GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 20:28

NFK -
I attended one of those last weekend.
Spent £120 on hotel room in the grounds that I wouldn't have booked in my wildest dreams.
My partner (best man) had to pay for his suit rental (brides choice of suit and rental shop) for £250.
Originally I had an evening only invite - My partner, the best man said he would only attend the evening as he wasn't leaving me in the middle of nowhere hours away from home until 6pm and boom I had a reluctant invite. The food was absolute filth (spicy spag bol isn't my kind of thing at a wedding?!). The bar was a pay bar where it cost £6 for a coke... The Bride was the moodiest bridezilla I've ever met.

Cannot stand how much guests end up having to fork out for other peoples weddings, especially when they have such selfish "its my special day" views.

doublechocchip · 30/07/2012 20:33

God weddings are a bloody minefield, yanbu it is rude. You should keep couples together whether it be just to the evening do or all day.

One of my best friends from uni invited all of us she had lived with to her wedding but without any of our dh's/oh's. I went but it has made dh view this girl differently from then on as he felt it was a major snub and tbh I can understand his feelings.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 30/07/2012 20:40

I have heard of this 'ceremony - amuse yourself - evening do' approach, but tbh I don't like it. A friend of mine got this type of invite to a wedding of a friend of hers at the other end of the country. Fortunately a few of them who were friends got the same treatment and so they all went for a meal together - but it still seems off to me, especially if people are travelling.

I am interested to see some people also saying they don't accept evening invites. I know the 'evening only' tradition is well established and don't have a problem with that as such - to my mind it's useful if there are groups of people who you know but aren't very close to, such as work colleagues or more distant relatives. However, it seems to me to be a bit off to invite people only to an evening do when they have to travel, pay for a hotel room, etc. Would other posters travel for an evening only invite? (so far that you would have to stay over)?