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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 13:22

Her relationship with DF is of no relevance. It's her relationship with the cousin and her fiance that matters and there isn't one

I disagree. The OP and her DF are possibly the next family wedding and boy, that will be awkward if they split up the couple that just got married!

That's like me saying to a cousin- well you might be getting married next year but I don't know your fiancee so kindly leave her in the bar whilst we eat.

YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 13:22

And by split up, I mean invite separately not, break up the relationship!

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 13:23

Did your parents expect you to pay for these extra people? or did they pay?

YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 13:25

Most bride and grooms pay for their own weddings these days (me and DH did), with maybe a contribution from parents, maybe not.

If my wedding had been so expensive that tight numbers would have offended people I would have sought alternatives.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 13:29

I'm not saying it's right I just think it's the bride and grooms choice and the OP is being unreasonable to question their decision. She isn't invited to the meal. That's that. It's not like she is the only one either. They haven't singled her out as not worthy of feeding. The OP knows they are skint too which is what has really got my back up, she still thinks the bride and groom have done something wrong in not paying for her food.

Fact is they can't afford to pay for her to eat but didn't want to leave her out of the day. Simple as that.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 13:34

You can't organise a wedding without someone being a little offended at some point. The friend that doesn't make it to be a bridesmaid, the friend that doesn't get asked to be best man, the evening guests that you simply can't afford to attend the full meal, every single person you have ever met in your life that doesn't get an invite. Some one is going to be offended somewhere a long the line.

lorisparkle · 30/07/2012 13:36

I do think that only inviting half of a couple to the meal is rude but in our family and in our circle of friends invites to the ceremony and evening do are the norm. We only had very limited space at the meal so that was for close family and friends. We would have loved to have had room and the money to pay for all the family and friends but that was impossible. We were invited to many of our friends wedding but not the meal and were actually surprised if they were able to invite us the meal.

RedHotPokers · 30/07/2012 13:38

OP, if I were you I wouldn't go to the weeding, just go to the evening do.

I've been to weddings where we have been invited to the evening party, and (where the wedding has been in a church) have been told we are welcome to attend the wedding if we wanted (but obv not the meal). I think its quite common for religious ceremonies in large churches, and IMO is just about ok in terms of politeness. But to invite one partner to the meal and not the other, is just ridiculous and vv rude.

And re. inviting partners you don't really know, when I got married we invited the partners of our fammily and friends, although we didn't send out additional (plus one) invites for partners who had come on the scene since we planned the numbers IYSWIM. Presuming you have been with your DF for a while, then it is undoubtably rude.

Halfling · 30/07/2012 14:04

I would skip the evening reception and just attend the church service.

IMO that would be the most tactful way to deal with this invite. No one would blame you and everyone would get the message.

GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 14:18

mandyhole -

The day is about celebrating your commitment to each other but actually it seems more and more people are having very self absorbed weddings. Yes, it's "your day" but you are not all that matters. You expect the people you invite to enjoy themselves so actually there happiness should count... especially if you want them to remain fond of you.

If the OP said she was married to her partner I'm sure everyone would be outraged... asking a long term partner to piss off for a couple of hours alone whilst her other half eats a meal is rude regardless of whether they have a document to prove they are committed or not.

DowagersHump · 30/07/2012 14:18

If you can't afford to invite both a relative and their fiance/partner/significant other, you don't invite them at all.

It is supremely rude to invite one half of a couple to part of an event and not the other one, even if you don't know the latter particularly well.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 14:37

Fair enough. If the only way the guest could enjoy the day is by been given free food. I'm just wondering who is rude really. The person who comes on here slagging someone off because they won't give her food while they will give her partner food, or the bride who wants to please everyone and ends up pleasing nobody because of her financial situation?

I think the former is actually really rather rude. Sorry OP, it's only my opinion but i think YABU.

GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 14:52

You really think it's about receiving free food? I'm not "slagging" the bride off for not providing free food. I'm slagging her off for her bad manners.
You should not split up couples attending together. It shows no respect for your guests or the effort they have made to attend and celebrate "your day"

The OP says she will have to disappear whilst her partner goes off for a meal, she doesn't drive and doesn't know where she will go - nothing to do with wanting a freebie meal.

Would you be happy to go to a wedding with your partner then have to go find somewhere to twiddle your thumbs alone whilst your partner has a meal?

The bride doesn't have to risk her financial situation... you invite a couple together or if you can't afford both, you don't invite them at all.

Halfling · 30/07/2012 14:56

Mandy it isn't a question of free food but about making your guests feel equal and special.

Seperating a couple is not right. Making someone who may have travelled from afar to attend only some sections of your wedding is also not right. It just shows scant consideration for people who you expect to buy you gifts, make travel arrangements etc. so that your day is special.

If you cannot afford a big wedding, have a small close friends and family only. But this can not be justified.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 15:05

So following the school of thought. The bride should not have invited her own cousin to her wedding in case his Fiancee got upset about not being invited to part of the day (the part of the day involving the most costs)?

Really?

That to me is just ridiculas. You have who you want at your wedding. If her Df was that put out he would have stood up to his parents and refused to go. Maybe he does want to go and is too scared of the shit he will get if he says so.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 15:10

As for would i be happy? I would feel a little embarrassed yes. I would understand though. It's not MY cousin, It's not MY family. If they were married then it would be different because she has married into the family.

I would take my laptop and find a quiet area of the bar or my hotel room if it's a hotel and watch some films, catch up on stuff. Entertain myself.

They aren't doing it intentionally to hurt her feelings. Or maybe i am crazy for thinking the day isn't about the OP? Surely they should be worrying about how she is going to be entertained...

again really?

Original poster
Krumbum · 30/07/2012 15:13

What makes you think I'm yelling at him not to go Mandy? Confused
Where is ANY evidence that I'm trying to force him not to go?
I can tell you he does not give a shit about his distant family and is always trying to get out of going to family get together. Nothing to do with me.
He does find his parents difficult to talk to so is much more likely to 'stand up' to me (although I havnt asked him to not go) than them because they won't let it go and it will turn into a big deal.

OP posts:
mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 15:19

If he doesn't give a shit about them why should they give a shit about you?

You are annoyed about it enough to post it on the internet for all the public to see so I guessed that you have probably spoken about it to your DF. I never said yelling and that's not the only way you could be giving him shit over it. I'm not even saying that you are. If it's not fair enough but my first point still stands as to why should they care about what a family member who they never sees fiance thinks to not being invited to a meal that they are paying for?

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 15:21

He really needs to stand up to them though. If he had you wouldn't be in this position.

clam · 30/07/2012 15:24

You're still missing the point, mandy.
It's not about free food, or whether or not she could entertain herself for a couple of hours. Of course she could find something to do, but the point is that it's a public slight and, as many on here feel, unacceptable.

I don't think either of you should go. Then the cousin can invite someone else who they actually do care about. Mind you, that might give rise to another thread about 2nd round invitations!

Original poster
Krumbum · 30/07/2012 15:24

I just don't understand the mentality. Either you care about your guests or not. Invite family and their serious partners/spouses and enjoy the day as a family or don't invite at all. Work out what you can afford!
When we get married I will only invite people I really want there and therefore want them to have a brilliant day, if they didn't it would upset me!
It's not a big deal to ask a question on mumsnet. I'm on here a fair bit so I don't have to passionately care about something to post about it.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 30/07/2012 15:26

Mandy. most people invite people they are not close to at a wedding. I hardly knew about half the guests at mine as they were DH's friends and colleagues from before we met. I knew their partners even less. However, I would not have excluded them because being married doesn't mean DH and I no longer need goodwill and friendships.

The OP has not tried to force the issue, she was just asking if it is rude. The general consensus is Yes, it is rude.

Splitting up an engaged couple is very rude, especially since they will soon be having a family wedding too.

If the B and G could not invite established partners (i.e not one night stands or flings but fiancees, co-parents and spouses), they should have had a blanket rule for not inviting cousins.

Splitting up couples is rude and a snub! There's no getting away from it!

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 15:30

Well we shall agree to disagree as I cannot accept the mentality that your Df should miss his cousins wedding because they can't afford the meal for you.

I can understand it's probably not nice to be in that situation but as your DF isn't willing to say no and his family are so over powering what can you do? You have a choice to attend the bits you have been invited to or don't attend at all. If you don't go when they have tried their best to include you it will make you look really petty and you will be the one that suffers from cutting your nose off too spite your face. Graciously accept the invitation and show them how it should be done at your own wedding.

Original poster
Krumbum · 30/07/2012 15:35

And that is exactly what I am doing. I'm going and not making a fuss.
I just wondered if this was normal and what other people thought so I asked on this forum.
You can make a wedding a bit cheaper and include everyone. Or make it more expensive and exclude people. Or have a small intimate wedding. We make choices. And it seems the consensus that this choice is quite rude.

OP posts:
lambethlil · 30/07/2012 16:14

You can make a wedding a bit cheaper and include everyone

Hear hear! My dress cost £200 + £100 gift for the lovely friend who offered to make it, we got up early the day before to buy flowers and decorate the church ourselves, no wedding cars and were able to invite everyone to all of it.