Hubby's driving - problems with neighbours

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start: my hubby has suspected Aspergers syndrome (Not officially diagnosed, but both of us strongly suspect it and a friend of mine who is an aspergers expert says he almost certainly has) - he sometimes finds it difficult to understand other peoples opinions on things, social conventions, body language, appropriate ways of speaking etc. and this has caused problems with various neighbours in the past. (Tbh I do sometimes think our neighbours, nice as they seem, have a vendetta against us as they always seem to have been talking about us behind our backs but.... Maybe that's just my anxiety disorder.... Sure it is.... )

Anyway.... The other day we came home from shopping to be confronted by one of our neighbours telling DH to 'please slow down coming in and out of the shared driveway as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast, especially since getting our new car.'.
As far as I could hear (I was staying out of it in the car!) she was being quite reasonable and polite to begin with, DH responded that her kids and other kids are often playing in the driveway and he has never been even close to hitting them before (This is true, he always looks out for kids and animals and if there are any always stops in plenty of time without having to emergency stop). Unfortunately, because of his Aspergers, his body language and tone of voice was rather aggressive and he did seem to probe a bit too much into her reasons for her statement rather than just smiling, nodding and saying 'ok ill try to be slower'.
Unfortunately our neighbour had, what she later confessed to be a mouth before brain moment' and made a rude remark about his driving which then made him storm into the house ending the conversation. I then felt obliged to go apologise to the neighbour on his behalf and explain about his suspected Aspergers. She was extremely reasonable and apologetic for upsetting him but re-iterated that he just drives too fast. I said ok, I had never noticed the problem, but I am not a driver so.... Prepared to take her word.
Anyway when I got in to DH and talked to him he really was trying to see the neighbour's pov but just was physically/mentally unable to. Then a couple of days later he came out with 'I've been looking at my speed in the driveway and it's 8mph which gives me plenty of stopping distance and I can't go much slower than that anyway cos of needing to turn and stuff!" - he says he will 'try' to be slower but is convinced he a) wont be able to do so and b) it will be more dangerous if he does as he'll be concentrating on his speed rather than what's going on in the driveway.

As I said, I've never noticed a problem with his speed in the driveway as he does always stop in loads of time and is always hyper aware of kids and animals bring around (he has only ever run over 1 animal while out on motorways for naff sake!) BUT if 'all the neighbours' are talking about his fast driving then he must be going fast right?

Who is BU - DH or the neighbours? I'm open to both possibilities as I really have no clue and I just want us all to get on

How long is the driveway? Many places such as supermarket carparks have a speed limit of 5mph, so it is possible to go slower.

I would say 8 mph is pretty fast for a driveway. Sorry.

Hope you can get it sorted as you sound lovely

Agree with Thistle. Sounds more like excuses, than being unable to see the other side of it. It is possible to go slower and also to turn at less than 8mph.

Hope this gets sorted and you can get on with your neighbours with no problems in the future.

sounds very fast to me.

It's unreasonable of him to even be unwilling to take the neighbours point. This doesn't seem like a vendetta, I would also be worried about my children in those circumstances. Suspected
Aspergers doesn't mean he doesn't have to be more careful or accept he may be wrong.

He does need to slow down.
If people are commenting on it then he must be driving inappropriately. It is the driver's responsibility to drive at an appropriate speed. Legally you are obliged to be able to stop for any event.
Your neighbour sounds very reasonable to me.

I agree it doesn't sound like a vendetta, more worried neighbours. You say he's only doing 8mph but it this after slowing down?

8mph does sound quick for a driveway, and if the neighbours are concerned to the point that they come and speak to him, then he is BU and needs to slow down

Not very long thistledew it's sorta, I'd say, between 6-10 metres long then a relatively tight turn into our parking space, which, I think is DH's reason for going a bit faster to 'swing' into the space as when he did do it really slowly once (when there was a cat who ran infront) he took about 6 attempts to get into the space.

Don't be sorry sizzlesaz - I asked the question being prepared for either being right. Hopefully I can use any information I get from here to talk to hubby calmly myself and get him to see the neighbours POV.... Cos of his 'Aspergers' he needs facts and the 5mph one will be a good one for me to tell him to help him understand. That's the trouble - I know he doesn't mean to be rude to people (if I thought that for a second I'd leave) but I must admit I am tempted to just post a letter through all our neighbours doors saying "DH has suspected Aspergers which means he may come across as rude and aloof to others. If you have any problems with anything he does, please come and speak to be between XandX times when I am home alone before speaking to my hubby so I can see if I can sort your problem first."
Obviously I'd never do that but it really is getting me down!

"suspected" aspergers isnt an excuse to drive like an idiot.. and perhaps you should get a confirmed diagnosis then you can use it to explain his rude behaviour rather than excuse it without any proof..

I can't comment on the aspergers aspect ir your husband's take on it, but your neighbour does sound reasonable, and 8mph does sound a little quick.

I've been trying to work up the courage to ask my neighbour to slow down, he screeches his tyres, revves unnecessarily and speeds off out of our cul-de-sac he also needs to sort out his sodding noisy fan belt

formerly I agree he does need to accept it... And to be fair he is accepting and has been trying..... But he is just so upset because he really didn't think he was doing anything wrong - he was actually in floods of tears when I came in after the conversation saying "I said I'd try to go slower and was being really polite to her. I didn't think I was going fast, I'll try, but don't know if I can. Why are people always rude to me when I just want to analyse their reasons and am being polite?"

I explained to him that his body language and Rome of voice was not polite but..... Honestly he couldn't see it ..... I actually had to do a drama exercise with him that I do with Aspergers kids at school to get him to see!
TBH I'm more than happy to be proved that he is BU as at least I now have some facts I can use to help him understand - he needs facts bless him. I know once he see the 5mph thing he'll be much better.

Believe me squeekytoy I've been trying to get him to book for an official diagnosis for years but he doesn't see the point! Grr!

Well saying I have checked and I only do 8 miles an hour, is all well and good when he is checking agree the event.
He may have aspergers but I am sorry he is bu. he doesn't need to understand, just drive a little slower. The neighbour has voiced a reasonable concern. We all have to make slight concessions with those around us. I understand with his condition he may struggle to empathise and feels he must understand, but all he needs to understand is that she is worried. Even if he feels he is driving at a safe speed all he needs to know is that, I. Her opinion, he is driving to fast and that slowing down is the safest option and will keep the neighbours happy.
She wasn't rude, originally and she had no idea about what you suspect. So he came across as aggressive, she has also apologised.
The fact that he has always stopped in time before means nothing. Imo 8mph is quite fast on a drive where kids are known to play.
Its entirely possible to turn driving less than 8mph.

8 mph is twice a good walking pace. Anyone should be able to manoeuvre a car at less than walking pace. Good clutch control means you can do anything at only just faster than moving.

Suspected aspergers is no excuse. Presumably your dh holds down a job, has a family, has hobbies, leads a life in which he interacts with others without too great a difficulty? If so then the situation with the neighbours cannot be blamed on suspected aspergers but instead on dh not liking his driving being called into question...

Eight miles per hour in a driveway is obscene, sorry. Carparks are limited to five.
Not being able to get into the space at slower speed strikes me as odd - the car's turning circle does not change just because you go slower?? Surely it is just a question of dh getting used to turning at slower speed, he will soon be able to park just as well as he did at the faster speed.

I think your dh needs to apologise to the neighbours and take a look at his driving speed.

look, he is upset because he was criticised, I get it, we all get a bit embarrassed. But it's not up to the neighbour to explain things to him like this, he can't expect the world to work like that. The neighbour expressed an opinion about his driving and asked him to modify it, she doesn't have to make him accept it

Pro - mine too. It's not easy. And, people often mistake his behaviour for being a bit of a twat. Including me!

Ahh can't keep up with replies but it's all good!

Basically you are all confirming what I originally thought, but as I said, not being a driver myself, I felt unqualified to talk it through with him without 'reasearch' which I now have. He will def apologise next time he sees our neighbour, and he is going slower anyway now - I just want him to understand why he has to do that. (Someone else wants me to is not reason enough for him) Our neighbour is a lovely lovely woman and I know 100% she was being totally lovely and pure to DH.... We all have mouth before brain moments so I never held that against her for a second!

The whole 'vendetta' thing I know to be just down to my anxiety..... Unfortunately every time one of them says anything that either of us has 'done wrong' (windows not being replaced as they are getting shabby being one of them - we simply can't afford it and can't take out more loans) I get more and more unreasonably paranoid. I actually kinda want to move just to make a new start. As I said, our neighbours really are lovely but I'm turning into a recluse.
As for hubby - yes he does have a job and family Behindcloseddoors but it's in IT - a typically forgiving job for him as its mostly solitary work, and his social life is non-exsistant apart from our Am-Dram society as he finds it hard to make and keep friends.

8mph is way too fast to cross over areas where people might be walking.
I crawl out of ours at less than walking pace I reckon, I'm just so concerned about someone suddenly walking or a kid on a bike or anything really. Apart from anything else it's very unnerving if you are walking along a pavement and a car suddenly whizzes out - whether it hits you or not.

He is definitely in the wrong here and simply needs to go much much slower.

OP I would stress to him that a diagnosis is important. Least of all so that he can work on it. Tbh if my neighbour kept reacting like he has and his wife explained it with suspected aspergers after a while i would be thinking that you were making excuses.
Surely a with a diagnosis he would get help sp he can handle this situations better. It would help him understand how his tone amd body language effects the words that come out. It may make him happier all round, iyswim.

Imagine the following conversation

Neighbour ... "You drive too fast Ive told you before, you've just hit my dog/ child /cat."

Dh " it was only 8 mph and anyway it's only a broken leg/ arm/ concussion / scrapes/ buises etc. I need to drive at that speed to get into my drive and anyway my wife and her friend suspect I've got aspergers.... Ok bye then"

It will be too late if he ever hit a child.

Sorry but neighbours Anbu

To put it into context for you OP (as you don't drive), 8mph is at least double the speed most people walk at (3-4mph).

A driver should be able to control a car to keep to walking pace (otherwise kerb crawlers wouldn't exist!), so the neighbour is not being unreasonable - and your DH really should be capable of doing so.

idontdoironing -don't be sorry TBH I should have phrased my question as "I strongly suspect my DH IBU but just need reassurance before I 'confront' him. Am I right?"

Is there any way to edit my OP to change that? (and maybe to rephrase the 'vendetta' bit as re-reading it it came across wrong! )

Surely is someone has a medical condition that makes them unable to adequately control the car and unable to judge risk and anger to others from their driving then they need to have their licence removed? Whatever causes the illness, be is aspergers or stroke or whatever?