Hubby's driving - problems with neighbours

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start: my hubby has suspected Aspergers syndrome (Not officially diagnosed, but both of us strongly suspect it and a friend of mine who is an aspergers expert says he almost certainly has) - he sometimes finds it difficult to understand other peoples opinions on things, social conventions, body language, appropriate ways of speaking etc. and this has caused problems with various neighbours in the past. (Tbh I do sometimes think our neighbours, nice as they seem, have a vendetta against us as they always seem to have been talking about us behind our backs but.... Maybe that's just my anxiety disorder.... Sure it is.... )

Anyway.... The other day we came home from shopping to be confronted by one of our neighbours telling DH to 'please slow down coming in and out of the shared driveway as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast, especially since getting our new car.'.
As far as I could hear (I was staying out of it in the car!) she was being quite reasonable and polite to begin with, DH responded that her kids and other kids are often playing in the driveway and he has never been even close to hitting them before (This is true, he always looks out for kids and animals and if there are any always stops in plenty of time without having to emergency stop). Unfortunately, because of his Aspergers, his body language and tone of voice was rather aggressive and he did seem to probe a bit too much into her reasons for her statement rather than just smiling, nodding and saying 'ok ill try to be slower'.
Unfortunately our neighbour had, what she later confessed to be a mouth before brain moment' and made a rude remark about his driving which then made him storm into the house ending the conversation. I then felt obliged to go apologise to the neighbour on his behalf and explain about his suspected Aspergers. She was extremely reasonable and apologetic for upsetting him but re-iterated that he just drives too fast. I said ok, I had never noticed the problem, but I am not a driver so.... Prepared to take her word.
Anyway when I got in to DH and talked to him he really was trying to see the neighbour's pov but just was physically/mentally unable to. Then a couple of days later he came out with 'I've been looking at my speed in the driveway and it's 8mph which gives me plenty of stopping distance and I can't go much slower than that anyway cos of needing to turn and stuff!" - he says he will 'try' to be slower but is convinced he a) wont be able to do so and b) it will be more dangerous if he does as he'll be concentrating on his speed rather than what's going on in the driveway.

As I said, I've never noticed a problem with his speed in the driveway as he does always stop in loads of time and is always hyper aware of kids and animals bring around (he has only ever run over 1 animal while out on motorways for naff sake!) BUT if 'all the neighbours' are talking about his fast driving then he must be going fast right?

Who is BU - DH or the neighbours? I'm open to both possibilities as I really have no clue and I just want us all to get on

I'm going to say again, there are very few people who are able to diagnose AS in adults.

And there is no treatment. There's not much research and, as it's a spectrum it's hard to know when it becomes a problem that requires intervention anyway.

So,the only benefit to getting a diagnosis would be to keep mumnetters happy.

Dprice - glad you are ok.

8mph is fast for a driveway. I do about 2 or 3mph on ours.

It only gives you plenty of stopping distance if there is any distance, on a shared driveway a person/child could step straight out in front within inches.

You can make a car turn at any speed, if you need some extra speed to swing into position then you are approaching wrong/not in control/can't drive

I think your neighbour has a point and it sounds like she was as understanding as she could be about the interaction they had together. I think your neighbour sounds nice. It must have taken some courage to speak to him about it at all, as most peopl would avoid a conversation like that wherever possible, so it must be a strong feeling held.

3mph is a fast walking speed (many orienteering expeditions tell me that) so over double that is unreasonable.

Your DH needs to configure his parameters as to what he thinks is good driving, maybe an advanced driving course would help (and would bring your insurance premiums down)

Sorry, just noticed this thread is quite long - my post may not be relevant to current place of thread topic. It applies to OP only.

thanks baby. I was shitting myself, but turned put it was the hormones from the contraceptive implant. Got it Removed a week later. :)
I understand the issue about diagnosis in adults. However, do you understand why people struggle to treat it the same?
It can come across as 'i'll act how i want because i might have xyz' especially to people that only have occasional interaction.
For what its worth, dh has slight tendancys. Such as he is an amazing chef. But i have recently given up work to work for him as the organisation side he can not do. He can't grasp why people want menus on the day they have been promised. He doesn't get that a customer may be concerned when they haven't heard from him when promises. As far as he is aware, they should just trust him as its always great in the end.
so i do kind of understand where you are coming from.

jennerocity yeah I agree so no probs

Sorry just wanted to say that I just apologise and tell ranting customers he is really unorganized. Thankfully it is great in the end so we have got away with it so far. Luckily organisation is my strong point.

He has not been diagnosed by a retired specialist at all though

After a few hours of chatting to him a few years ago, she said (and I quote your OP) "he almost certainly has."

That's it just that, no tests no nothing...just her opinion.

No-one here can say whether you're right in your suspicion that he has undiagnosed AS...but to say he's been diagnosed by a retired specialist is completely misleading.

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread yet (I hate it when I see this but I need to shoot off!) and will catch up again at home.
If you are after facts to help him understand this may help. I'm just about to do my motorbike test and a key part of that is to demonstrate you can still keep control at slow speeds. On a bike its more obvious that speed gives you an advantage in turning and corners, however because of the specific environment you may be in, you have to demonstrate that you are still able to make those turns and tight corners when you are at a slow speed. I think the reason its not so explicit in a car driving test, is that the difference isn't as noticeable as on a bike so its not a specific part of the test.
Also maybe if your other half looks into speaking to a driving instructor who does advanced lessons - as I understand its a more defensive approach to driving (like you do on a motorbike) because it works on the assumption that there are dangers everywhere to be observed and you adapt to them, rather than the assumption that everything is ok and you react to an incident.
Hope some of that is useful - I like a 'logical' explanation to things as well!

oops sorry - last page makes it clear the thread has moved on - I'll bugger off now!

D - I do understand that most people are used to dealing with definites. And, I have struggled for a long time with parts of my marriage - thinking, "is this emotional abuse?" Not nice.

But, the black and white of a diagnosis is perfectly appropriate in a "yes, you have the measles" situation.

If you look at the full spectrum it will range from mania to autism. There's not a point where, yes, you now have spots, you have AS.

And, if my DH had chosen someone a little bit more like him then he probably would have no marital trouble at all...

...like his dad did. My FIL is the same, and so's my MIL. And so are 2 of his 3 brothers.

DH has no professional problems - he works with numbers. He likes numbers. And, so do all the people he works with.

So, everyone that is in his life enjoys predictability and logic.

Except me...

To be honest, the thread sounds like "we're not prepared to be kind or respectful until you have a diagnosis" when, there is no way of getting a diagnosis.

I don;t understand why it's not an issues, driving too fast.
8mph is too fast to drive around places where there are pedestrians.
I come out of my drive at a crawl, really super-careful.

Just because someone may or may not have something wrong with them does not make dangerous driving "not an issue".

Peculiar thread.

I think the diagnosed or not thing is a red herring. Whether he has an official condition which can be medically labelled or not, the fact his that his personal make-up is comprised of characteristics not dissimilar to AS, therefore whether he has it or not, it still provides a useful way of knowing how to interact with him, as AS is something people could get a handle on in terms of fast-track to understanding.

We all have personalities, the understanding and knowledge of means the people who know us can handle us / interact with us best. Some of our personalities are easier for strangers than others.

the OP's DH has one which whether it is or isn't AS is like AS - so being aware of that is the key to getting on with him.

This does my head in, totally.

All these men with "undiagnosed AS" (and it always seems to be AS, why's that? My opinion, because it doesn't carry the same stigma as ASD.

My son has HFA. The only difference in diagnosis was his severe speech delay, otherwise the DX would have been AS.

He's not a nasty bastard, because rudeness is not tolerated in this house. And ASD is not an excuse for poor behaviour. Some people have autism. Some people are nasty bastards. Some people are both.

I do take exception to the poster who called ASD an illness. It isn't, my son is not ill. He is brilliant.

Baby I am in no way saying disrespecting people is ok if they haven't been diagnosed.
I am trying to explain why people will fail to understand as they might if it was diagnosed.

If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie.
Please stop with the 'science or maths based'. It's not the case.
Thank you.

Jenny, I was just about to make the same point! If they act & respond like somebody with AS then does the official label matter?

As somebody who has been waiting for an appointment for a diagnosis of AS for my 9 year old DS for 6 months (and still waiting), I do find the attitude of some posters of 'just get him diagnosed' pretty frustrating.

Even if the OP's DH is willing to get diagnosed (I also have a DB and DF who have AS traits, so I do undestand how difficult that is - both unofficially 'diagnosed' by the way) there is very little available in the way of help and support in many areas. For those questioning the OP about the informal diagnosis, they should spend some time with people with AS and read some of the many books/research papers/check the tests etc. It really is very clear in most cases.

I liken it to being left or right handed. ie. you know somebody is a left hander, even though nobody had diagnosed it, because of the way they use their body. It's not wrong to be 'left handed', even though most people are right handed. When you know the traits, it's possible to recognise that somebody fits the AS description in a relatively short time. But pople with AS traits are not ill and do not necessarily need a diagnosis or medication/support etc. in order to live a seemingly normal life. While there is an obvious difference between somebody with AS just not 'getting something' and somebody who is just being an arrogant arse for the sake of it, it's not obvious to most people.

The OP's DH is not being an arrogant arse - he just saw his speed as 'safe'. He now realises that others don't and has slowed down.

I want a diagnosis for my DS for precisely the reasons shown on this thread. I want to help him understand the 'rules' for life so he can cope with them.

Crunchyfrog if I offended you buy comparing asd to various illnesses I apologise. I was trying to find an example of another CONDITION that might be possible to be diagnosed with. I chose illnesses because they were the first thing that came into my head.

And fwiw I still don't think that a conversation with a retired specialist some years ago who said he "almost certainly" had aspergergers means he has it.

If you want to use that, for understanding of your DH, then you need a proper diagnosis. Otherwise, I might as well go around saying that I'm a man based on something that was said to me 3 or 4 years ago.

And like it or lump it, all the calculations in the world cannot compute for the jumping out child. And if he can't see or understand that and moderate his driving ALL THE TIME to take account of that, then he should not be behind the wheel of a car.

Jenner, not Jenny - sorry

But he has only slowed down in this particular drive.
If he thinks this speed is appropriate and doesn't understand why it isn't then he's unlikely to alter his behaviour in other situations IYSWIM.

@Properformer. I'm a mathematician. The following may be more understandable to your husband.

Your model for car-child interactions is flawed. You have neglected the factor that the child may run out suddenly in front of the car : as this scenario accounts for most serious accidents involving child pedestrians, neglecting it voids your model. You should redo you calculations as a function of z, the distance between the driver and the child, which can be arbitrarily small.

@mybaby What does your hasband do ? I ask because even my line of work requires interpersonal skills and those who don't have them suffer a little for it.

I do know people who have waited years for DX (my DS was first diagnosed at 2, with sensory processing disorder, then ASD at 5.) but these children are clearly struggling in all areas of life, and it is the system letting them down (long waits, poor communication between professionals etc)

I do find it hard to believe that someone who has functioned up to this point without DX would get one for any reason other than excuse. And in this specific case, the person wanting the DX is not even the person with the alleged condition. What's the motivation? Embarrassment?

Thanks for apology, ikocked I do get a bit touchy

No its not for embarrassment at all. I am actually offended that you would think that.
The man is the OPs dh. His suspected aspergers, is adding to her anxiety issues. I think a diagnosis would help both of them. They are married and he is negatively effected her.
She is acting like his mother, not a wife. I am sure he would be horrified if he realised this. They are a partnership and if one is causing the other issues then it needs sorting.
And what if he doesn't have it? What if he isn't great in social situations and but now thinks he can carry on as he wants as his dw will smooth it over and explain his behaviour away. I think she should be aware of that.
Also, as the OP suggested, some counselling may help. So they can understand each other better and come up with a better plan to cope with these situations so the OP doesn't have to step in.
He needs to be able to handle these things without putting further stress on her.

Pacific - that left handed analogy is brilliant, thanks.

Kirsty - he's a tax lawyer. He's got great professional interpersonal skills for his job. The problems arise with nuances in personal relationships - these situations do not occur in his office. Unless, I suppose, he was to have an affair. Which he wouldn't - he's married.

To the mothers of kids on the spectrum - I think things will be infinitely better for your kids. My DH has had a great academic career, holds down a great job, is a loving father, is a lovely, lovely man.

He's shit at empathy, and that creates problems in a marriage with someone like me - who is at the mania end of the spectrum!

So, if your kids chose partners who are not scatty and hairbrained and emotional and needy then it's all good.

And, if they do chose such a partner, they'll have benefited from you, and hopefully the system that is there to support them nowadays - and they will learn the social niceties that my DH did not.

If hes asked to slow down then he should slow down.

If hes asked to slow down then he should slow down.