Hubby's driving - problems with neighbours

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start: my hubby has suspected Aspergers syndrome (Not officially diagnosed, but both of us strongly suspect it and a friend of mine who is an aspergers expert says he almost certainly has) - he sometimes finds it difficult to understand other peoples opinions on things, social conventions, body language, appropriate ways of speaking etc. and this has caused problems with various neighbours in the past. (Tbh I do sometimes think our neighbours, nice as they seem, have a vendetta against us as they always seem to have been talking about us behind our backs but.... Maybe that's just my anxiety disorder.... Sure it is.... )

Anyway.... The other day we came home from shopping to be confronted by one of our neighbours telling DH to 'please slow down coming in and out of the shared driveway as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast, especially since getting our new car.'.
As far as I could hear (I was staying out of it in the car!) she was being quite reasonable and polite to begin with, DH responded that her kids and other kids are often playing in the driveway and he has never been even close to hitting them before (This is true, he always looks out for kids and animals and if there are any always stops in plenty of time without having to emergency stop). Unfortunately, because of his Aspergers, his body language and tone of voice was rather aggressive and he did seem to probe a bit too much into her reasons for her statement rather than just smiling, nodding and saying 'ok ill try to be slower'.
Unfortunately our neighbour had, what she later confessed to be a mouth before brain moment' and made a rude remark about his driving which then made him storm into the house ending the conversation. I then felt obliged to go apologise to the neighbour on his behalf and explain about his suspected Aspergers. She was extremely reasonable and apologetic for upsetting him but re-iterated that he just drives too fast. I said ok, I had never noticed the problem, but I am not a driver so.... Prepared to take her word.
Anyway when I got in to DH and talked to him he really was trying to see the neighbour's pov but just was physically/mentally unable to. Then a couple of days later he came out with 'I've been looking at my speed in the driveway and it's 8mph which gives me plenty of stopping distance and I can't go much slower than that anyway cos of needing to turn and stuff!" - he says he will 'try' to be slower but is convinced he a) wont be able to do so and b) it will be more dangerous if he does as he'll be concentrating on his speed rather than what's going on in the driveway.

As I said, I've never noticed a problem with his speed in the driveway as he does always stop in loads of time and is always hyper aware of kids and animals bring around (he has only ever run over 1 animal while out on motorways for naff sake!) BUT if 'all the neighbours' are talking about his fast driving then he must be going fast right?

Who is BU - DH or the neighbours? I'm open to both possibilities as I really have no clue and I just want us all to get on

Yes, IKTT I see that but actually if someone reduced me tears I think it might make me feel less upset that it wasn't personal iyswim.

Not that I agree with rude/agressive behaviour at all and AS isn't a reason to ignore the feelings of others.

It's akin to,someone drunk driving IMHO, and their wife going "well my friend who met him 3 years ago thinks he's an alcoholic so that's why"

Doesn't make it right.

My dh has AS. Three of my four children have AS. Whilst tone of voice, body language etc can be, and frequently are difficult, they do not get away with being rude to people.
So, in short, I do know what it's like to be in an AS/NT relationship and I think rude behaviour is unacceptable.

There is a distinction between an illness and a person's personality. OP's husband has said he will drive slower and will look into further diagnosis. It doesn't sound like he is being a twat to me. Just that he was unaware.

properformer that sounds like a great response from DP.

I think he has made a great point about you getting help for the anxiety, if he does struggle to understand other people's POV then being around someone who has an unusually high anxiety level will not be helping him.

IKTT - I think we're at slightly cross purposes, I absolutely agree that the OP's DH is driving too fast. My comments were regarding the way he reacted to the neighbour's complaint.

Pro - I'm with Lady.

I've had problems on MN when I posted something my DH had done - and was swiftly met with "leave the bastard"

He's undiagnosed too. And, I totally get the need to stand up for him and "expalin" his behaviour.

Please, leave this thread. I'll see you, with Lady, on one where you'll be met with people who understand what your situation is.

To the others: she says that he's slowed down. So, the problem is solved.

I actually think the response from pro's DH is quite manipulative. He's putting it all on to her and avoiding responsibility. "I'll do it if you do"

Sorry.

Or, it could be a caring act where he sees her being anxious and wants her to get help that he can't provide for her because he's asperger's.

But then he'd go himself for himself. To help her. And not emotionally manipulate her

If he can't see other people's POV I think it would be hard for him to emotionally manipulate OP

But he's avoiding taking responsibility for his own actions and putting all the responsibility on the OP

So when he doesn't go and get to the doc then it's her fault. And then it'll be you didn't this or that - he will keep moving the goal posts.

Op I think he should do for him and you. You can't keep diffusing difficult situations for him. I think that is adding to you anxiety.
But have you prepared yourself if it turns out he hasn't got it?

Good question Dprince

Kicked - it's not like that.

My DH is also an undiagnosed AS. He's not able to lie. I'll repeat it - he can't emotionally manipulate me because he is not able to instinctively identify how I would be feeling.

He works on facts. He deals with same situation in a different way to the OP's DH - he slows to almost stall as he approaches our driveway. He puts on the hazard lights. He does a precision control three point turn (woah betide us if a neighbour has a visitor parked at the exact bit of kerb he needs for his three point turn) and reverses into our driveway. He then spends a good few minutes adjusting the car's position on our driveway to make sure it is in the optimal position for door opening and that the tyres are not blocking any drainage.

It takes 5 -10 mins to park the car. He does it this way For Safety. but, it's pretty annoying when you are bursting for a pee, or have a baby needing feeding, or shopping defrosting in the boot...and, it'd be easy to think that he's just being an arse by making us all wait.

But, he's not. He's asperger's.

Really, it's complicated. And, it's very frustrating when we see people with "normal" relationships making these harsh judgements on ours.

the upside is - as I said he can't lie. I have complete trust in him. He's moral, hardworking, reliable, clever, loyal, organised and a hundred other things that are real gifts for a marriage.

the downside is - the neighbours think he's bonkers because of the pantomime that parking in our driveway becomes. And a few other things - but he is able to learn, though it is a frustrating and wearing journey.

I clicked on this thread thinking that the OP may in fact be my neighbour, following a discussion that happened 2 days ago. But the details reveal that she isn't.

We live in a small group of houses down a long narrow bumpy dirt track. Next door are having building work done again, for the 4th summer in a row, and the builders and delivery drivers drive really fast (about 20-30mph) down our track. I've asked individual drivers if they will slow down as my children play on the track, but day after day yet another driver zooms past our house. On the first day of the school holidays I had my 2yo DS on the pony on a lead rein and my 4yo DD on her bicycle going for a walk, and we were nearly hit by a builder's van. So I went round to ask the neighbour if they would mention to all drivers that they should drive slower when making deliveries to their house. I was met with a barrage of abuse about how he paid for the latest re-surfacing of the track so people going to his house can drive at whatever speed they like. His wife just stood there smiling and shrugging at me while he shouted at me.

Personally, I think there is very little excuse for the fast driving, the abuse or the weak-willed simpering from his wife. The fact is that if a neighbour says that they are worried for the safety of their children in their own home, albeit a bit that is shared with neighbours, they should be able to express those concerns without abuse from their neighbour. "Please excuse my husband if he goes off on one when you ask him not to hit your kids with his car, he has SN" is not really good enough.

My neighbour, though, IS an arse. I've put a little sign up, and if that doesn't work I'll be making a vicious little speed bump.

But is your DH diagnosed?

Properly?

woe betide us.

woah betide us - dunno what that is.

oops

Oh sorry. Bloody phone.

I Don't get the undiagnosed. I just dont. If you thought you had a broken leg, or cancer, or whatever you'd get diagnosed, why not for AS?

Or deaf. Or blind. Or coeliac. Or PND. Or or or. Why not for AS?

Dprince Tue 24-Jul-12 09:40:07
In all honesty, and I feel really awful saying it, but if he can't control a car at less than 8 mile and hour and can not judge what is a safe speed, should he really be driving?

I agree.

And blaming his lack of judgment on Aspergers, well, I am not sure that is on...

No, of course he's not formally diagnosed, kick!

By whom? And, for what purpose?

He is an archetypal AS - we went to marriage counselling at my insistence, and she suggested to him that perhaps he was not able to interpret body language. He took that as her saying that he's a freak.

After a year of suggesting, I persuaded him to take the AQ test (google it). He scored "oh-my-gawd-you-are-so-aspergers!"

He asked me to take it too - I scored 4. So, we are opposite ends of the spectrum - and that's where the conficts arise from.

A formal diagnosis will take a GP referral, a waiting list to see a psychiatrist who specialises in adult AS (not many of them) and, seeing as how he is a fully functioning adult excelling holding down a good job, being an excellent father and maintaining a marriage - what's the point?

There isn't any medication. Counselling is his idea of Hell. Chasing a diagnosis would be time and money and energy better spent working out how to make our marriage accommodate both of our needs.

I don't know, mybaby. Maybe to get help? Support?

It was a genuine question.

As I said, a friend who is an expert in his field said I drive like a man. That doesn't mean I can go around saying I'm a man

Well, QS - if it were my husband saying that, he'd mean that he's looked at the facts which are that the stopping distance is covered at that speed, and the engine torque required at that speed utilises the least fuel, and the wear on tyres at that angle given the surface condition and angle is the most minimal. Ergo, that is the most efficient and therefore correct, speed with which to park the car.

I'm not saying he is right to drive at that speed. I am saying, perhaps he has looked at facts and not "ifs"

And, obviously, the "ifs" need to be considered when you are driving a car. And, he has now slowed down - because there's another factor that he's taken into account and adjusted his "optimal parking assessment"

I'm not defending him - but, I don't think the personal attacks on this thread are warranted.

What about the FACT that there are children there. Who are unpredictable? Which makes all his calculations a big fat waste of time? It's not just about him. It's about everyone else. Who he can't control. Or factor into his calculation.