Hubby's driving - problems with neighbours

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start: my hubby has suspected Aspergers syndrome (Not officially diagnosed, but both of us strongly suspect it and a friend of mine who is an aspergers expert says he almost certainly has) - he sometimes finds it difficult to understand other peoples opinions on things, social conventions, body language, appropriate ways of speaking etc. and this has caused problems with various neighbours in the past. (Tbh I do sometimes think our neighbours, nice as they seem, have a vendetta against us as they always seem to have been talking about us behind our backs but.... Maybe that's just my anxiety disorder.... Sure it is.... )

Anyway.... The other day we came home from shopping to be confronted by one of our neighbours telling DH to 'please slow down coming in and out of the shared driveway as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast, especially since getting our new car.'.
As far as I could hear (I was staying out of it in the car!) she was being quite reasonable and polite to begin with, DH responded that her kids and other kids are often playing in the driveway and he has never been even close to hitting them before (This is true, he always looks out for kids and animals and if there are any always stops in plenty of time without having to emergency stop). Unfortunately, because of his Aspergers, his body language and tone of voice was rather aggressive and he did seem to probe a bit too much into her reasons for her statement rather than just smiling, nodding and saying 'ok ill try to be slower'.
Unfortunately our neighbour had, what she later confessed to be a mouth before brain moment' and made a rude remark about his driving which then made him storm into the house ending the conversation. I then felt obliged to go apologise to the neighbour on his behalf and explain about his suspected Aspergers. She was extremely reasonable and apologetic for upsetting him but re-iterated that he just drives too fast. I said ok, I had never noticed the problem, but I am not a driver so.... Prepared to take her word.
Anyway when I got in to DH and talked to him he really was trying to see the neighbour's pov but just was physically/mentally unable to. Then a couple of days later he came out with 'I've been looking at my speed in the driveway and it's 8mph which gives me plenty of stopping distance and I can't go much slower than that anyway cos of needing to turn and stuff!" - he says he will 'try' to be slower but is convinced he a) wont be able to do so and b) it will be more dangerous if he does as he'll be concentrating on his speed rather than what's going on in the driveway.

As I said, I've never noticed a problem with his speed in the driveway as he does always stop in loads of time and is always hyper aware of kids and animals bring around (he has only ever run over 1 animal while out on motorways for naff sake!) BUT if 'all the neighbours' are talking about his fast driving then he must be going fast right?

Who is BU - DH or the neighbours? I'm open to both possibilities as I really have no clue and I just want us all to get on

I see it's a genuine question, kick. And, mine is a genuine answer.

Support and help is short for people with deaf. Or blind. Or coeliac. Or PND. Or or or.

What help should be provided for people who are typically - super clever, super organised, great employees?

Do you see? I am not whining or complaining - there IS no answer. There IS no help for an undiagnosed adult.

It's a lifetime of being "a bit odd" that has led them to be the adults they are, to lean towards predictable interests and jobs (science or maths based) - people are unpredictable, which is where the diffiuculties, and an 80% divorce rate lie.

Help with social skills? I don't know - I just don't get why you'd have a medical condition that you,expect allowances to be made for when it's a spectrum and you're undiagnosed.

The thing is, if someone doesn't want to get a diagnosis because they don't see the need that's fine and up to them.

But should they then openly blame certain behaviour on their self diagnosed Aspergers?

I think the more people do that sort of thing, the less understanding/empathy others will show to those who certainly do have ASD.

In a way, it's like those really annoying parents who claim their kids have ADHD because they're misbehaving. Yet they've never been anywhere near a specialist in their life.

It's a tough one really.

Yep, if OP's bloke processes information in the same way as mine - then he's missed that biggie.

Which he's now factored in. and, slowed down.

look, I'm not saying that he is right, I am not saying he should be driving at that speed - I am saying, stop calling this woman's man an arse. It's not helpful.

And like it or not that are medical conditions that exclude you from certain tasks - cant be a pilot with a heart condition. Why should AS be any different?

And if a pilot with an undiagnosed heart condition flew a plane that would be wrong .

And again Worra

If its undiagnosed or diagnosed off a test on the Internet then really it's taking the piss to expect others to make allowances.

I don't get why people are so upset that people with a suspected condition do not get the same sympathy as those actually with it.
This is why, because its suspected.
in edge t I could act like a twat, and say 'its because I might have aspergers.' when its not true. But its a Damn good excuse for acting how I want. Is it any wonder people question it.

Help with social skills are what the services provide for children with AS.

They can learn "normal" responses to emotional situations. And, they can use these skills to blend in. Whcih is great - hopefully they will be better socially equipped as adults than if they were not diagnosed.

My DH is 43 years old. It's hard teaching the trick of empathy to an old dog. Here's an example:

When our baby was 10 weeks old he was poorly in ITU for a week. DH did not come and visit him, or me during that time. He was "busy with work"

I was struggling with a difficult situation, no sleep and a toddler who needed looking after. He was grumpy because he was having to go to the supermarket and make his own dinner when he was working long hours.

that nearly broke our marriage - and, had I posted that on MN, I have no doubt I'd be advised to leave the bastard.

It took me years to forgive him, and figure out what the hell he was up to.

He said "the baby is unconscious, he doesn't know who I am let alone whether I am there. The nurses are looking after him and you are there. I need to be at work, it is busy"

Do you see? In his logical head, he was of no practical use at a hospital. He was of use earning money to provide for us.

He has now learned that i expect him to visit when our son is sick - and that he should give me a cuddle when he gets there, and sort out his own dinner and wash his own socks.

But, if I didn't state that - he wouldn't do it. Wouldn't occur to him.

That doesn't make him an arsehole, it makes hiim typical aspergers.

meant to say in effect not edge. :)

babyweight this is a genuine question so I hope you'll take it as one...

Surely at some point when you met and began dating, he must have displayed some sort of loving, caring behaviour towards you?

Otherwise, how on earth did you get into the relationship in the first place?

But baby, how do you know, as a fact, he has aspergers you don't. You know him better than most and you can not state 100% hr has it.
How do you expect others to know and accept he has something (and make allowances) when he doesn't know himself.
Its all well and good saying he has it. But what if its not what of you go to the doctors and he says 'actually, no mr baby, you don't have aspergers. You have some tendancys which most people have.' what would you do?
Honest question. Is that why you are ok with having no diagnosis? Are you worried despite the evidence you see, you may have to fact the fact that he is just thoughtless.

Baby weight - thank you, I understand that. But you're involved with your DH. The neighbour isn't in this op. And only cares about her child. It's going to be very difficult for her to care. And I don't even know that she should. If his AS makes him incapable of adequately assessing risk, then he should,nt drive. The same as if he had a stroke that impaired his ability to assess risk.

By the way I have no idea if he is or isn't. I am just trying to explain the reason why people don't take 'suspected' as fact.

And, without a professional diagnosis, how do you know he has aspergers?

Oh and getting adult dx for ASD is a complete walk in the park, isn't it?
No.

I've asked that DH be assessed. We have three autistic kids. He's just like them. The GP agrees. But there is no facility for diagnosis in this area in adulthood unless you're not coping with life (and he's seen to be as I do everything from budgets to every single phone call necessary to our lives). If he was delinquent in some way then he may get some sort of diagnosis as part of the prison system.

ProPerformer my DD was hit by a neighbour going just a tiny bit too quickly in a close. It really was the slowest accident in history.

DD ended up on the ground screaming in agony. She had a broken bone in her foot and an injured knee and spent six weeks on crutches.

Your DH needs to understand that if a heavy metal object (car) hits a squidgy organic thing (child), the squidgy organic thing comes off worse every time.

At 8mph he is not giving people on the drive time to get out of the way as that is twice the speed that an adult can walk quickly at. A child will be slower to recognise the danger and slower to get out of the way.

Our neighbour was devestated by the accident. Does your DH want to be in that position?

Kicked - it's a test available on the internet. it's written by Sacha Baren-Cohen, who is The Person who has done research on adults with AS. It's the first stage of diagnosis, like the Glasgow coma scale is for levels of consciousness.

I get why you three are finding this difficult to get your heads round - Christ, I live with one of these people.

But, you are not comaring like with like.

Actually, AS make great pilots. Planes are flown from Standard Operating Procedure manuals. Every possible aviation situation has a policy written for it. An AS pilot follows the policy - will not be in the bar with the air stewards four hours before he's supposed to be working, he'll be in bed getting enough sleep for his shift.

It's not a medical condition. It's the way a brain is wired. It's not a disability. There's a case for saying that it is a gift.

Einstein. Marie Curie. Picasso. Bill Gates.

Not arseholes. Geniuses. But, not necessarily people you'd want as a neighbour because they'd probably have peculiar parking habits that you'd need to address at some point.

babyweight - thanks for pointing to that test. I did it and scored....26. Which is right on the threshold. Yikes!

However, like Worra I am intrigued as to how you got together with your DH. Knowing the problems I have forming romantic relationships (though not others), it's good to know there are people out there who can understand us slightly odd ones....if you feel like divulging please do!

I am astounded at the excusing of dangerous driving as a peculiar parking habit.

Yes they might make good pilots. That wasn't really the point I was making

OP if you want hard facts to give your husband (and I suspect he wants hard facts because these make most sense to him), here's one that might be helpful.

Whenever we camp, the campsites have a maximum of 5mph as their speed limit around the site. This is because children are playing etc. This would therefore seem a sensible maximum when approaching a driveway where children may be playing.

I agree 8mph is too fast in the circumstances you describe.

Gosh, this thread is moving faster than I can keep up with between feuding kids and laundry...

Thanks, though. It's really refreshing to be able to discuss it without being told that I'm married to a wanker. It's helping me to gain some clarity about him and our situation.

To reiterate: OP's neighbour was absolutely right to take OP's DH to task about his driving. Obviously, I agree he should be taking more care.

But, HE IS! She told him her worries, he's slowed down.

The rest of the discussion about that is null and void - he's doing what she says because he sees it as a safer option. He was wrong to drive in that way in the first place - but I'd be interested to know whether OP has lived there since before there were children to take into consideration.

And, yes, Worra - he has many loving and caring abilities and qualities. After all, reader, I married him...but, it's fair to say that his loving and caring abilities do not always happen when I need them.

He doesn't "get it" If I tell him I need a cuddle, he'll give it to me. If I sit, head bowed, weeping and looking sorrowful, he'll walk on by. Doesn't. Get. It.

That doesn't make him a bad man. He's learned that when I sit like this...I want him to do this... or when I say this....I actually want him to do this.... - but, he's learned that because I WROTE him a standard operations procedure for ME!

Glitter - snap. to be honest, I wouldn't support tax payers' money being used to diagnose conditions for the sake of it. If there's no treatment, spend the money on diagnosing AS children who can be helped to learn.

I don't really understand why this thread has "nothing to do with the speed of the car" - surely it has everything to do with it.

If he is driving faster than he should then that is dangerous, end of story.

I agree sardineqeen

Slobby - I met him online.

In retrospect "Ah. Of course"

I was talking about this on another thread earlier - me and a pal were trialling online dating a decade ago, just for a laugh. Have to say, it was a brilliant six months - I met with the most interesting and charming people that I'd never have met otherwise, and had an absolutely great time.

I think things have changed now, but, back in the pioneering days, it was really rather romantic to have a bit of email chat and then a bit of flirting and then have an excuse to put on some lippy and go and have a date.

He has a very sharp wit. And perfect grammar. And, totally turned my head.

But, as life moves on and babies come along, then he has not had the skills to adapt. And, that's been hard for me to accept.

He's my husband. And, I love him. So, we'll find a way.

Frankly, I'd rather have our problems than womanising, drinking, debts...there are upsides to being married to AS

Sardine - because he's slowed down.

He's been advised it's not appropriate. he's slowed down.

There is no problem now.

The fact that he did not realise it before now IS a problem.

People can be crappy drivers, crappy husbands and crappy neighbours AS WELL as having AS.

But, I am banging on about this because some posters were being downright mean about OP's DH. And, I am tired of the way that those of us who live in AS/NT relationships get blasted on these threads.

It gets right up my nose.