Hubby's driving - problems with neighbours

[ProPerformer]

Ok, so to start: my hubby has suspected Aspergers syndrome (Not officially diagnosed, but both of us strongly suspect it and a friend of mine who is an aspergers expert says he almost certainly has) - he sometimes finds it difficult to understand other peoples opinions on things, social conventions, body language, appropriate ways of speaking etc. and this has caused problems with various neighbours in the past. (Tbh I do sometimes think our neighbours, nice as they seem, have a vendetta against us as they always seem to have been talking about us behind our backs but.... Maybe that's just my anxiety disorder.... Sure it is.... )

Anyway.... The other day we came home from shopping to be confronted by one of our neighbours telling DH to 'please slow down coming in and out of the shared driveway as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast, especially since getting our new car.'.
As far as I could hear (I was staying out of it in the car!) she was being quite reasonable and polite to begin with, DH responded that her kids and other kids are often playing in the driveway and he has never been even close to hitting them before (This is true, he always looks out for kids and animals and if there are any always stops in plenty of time without having to emergency stop). Unfortunately, because of his Aspergers, his body language and tone of voice was rather aggressive and he did seem to probe a bit too much into her reasons for her statement rather than just smiling, nodding and saying 'ok ill try to be slower'.
Unfortunately our neighbour had, what she later confessed to be a mouth before brain moment' and made a rude remark about his driving which then made him storm into the house ending the conversation. I then felt obliged to go apologise to the neighbour on his behalf and explain about his suspected Aspergers. She was extremely reasonable and apologetic for upsetting him but re-iterated that he just drives too fast. I said ok, I had never noticed the problem, but I am not a driver so.... Prepared to take her word.
Anyway when I got in to DH and talked to him he really was trying to see the neighbour's pov but just was physically/mentally unable to. Then a couple of days later he came out with 'I've been looking at my speed in the driveway and it's 8mph which gives me plenty of stopping distance and I can't go much slower than that anyway cos of needing to turn and stuff!" - he says he will 'try' to be slower but is convinced he a) wont be able to do so and b) it will be more dangerous if he does as he'll be concentrating on his speed rather than what's going on in the driveway.

As I said, I've never noticed a problem with his speed in the driveway as he does always stop in loads of time and is always hyper aware of kids and animals bring around (he has only ever run over 1 animal while out on motorways for naff sake!) BUT if 'all the neighbours' are talking about his fast driving then he must be going fast right?

Who is BU - DH or the neighbours? I'm open to both possibilities as I really have no clue and I just want us all to get on

Baby, he isn't doing it as he sees it as the safest option. He is doing because he has been told to.
The point being that when driving a car you have to make decisions based on ever changing situations. Of he can not do that independently then he should not be driving.
FYI, planes almost fly themselves. Flying an airliner is not the same as driving a car. Flying a plane is all about procedure. Driving a car is less so, there are rules but decisions are made every second. With planes you ALWAYS follow the rules. Dh is a pilot, so I know the 2 are not comparable.

Thanks babyweight for the reply. Interesting stuff!

babyweight I think you are taking parts of this thread a bit too personally. The fact is that in the real world if someone says to their neighbour, 'hey, you're driving a bit fast on the driveway, slow down so you don't hit my kids please!' it is not a normal response to be abusive and then blame your behaviour on Asperger's Syndrome. All the neighbour wanted was for the driver of the car to be aware their driving was unacceptable.

You seem to be quite happy to point out that the general public don't understand AS. I would just like to point out that from your comments;

 "Actually, AS make great pilots. Planes are flown from Standard Operating Procedure manuals. Every possible aviation situation has a policy written for it. An AS pilot follows the policy - will not be in the bar with the air stewards four hours before he's supposed to be working, he'll be in bed getting enough sleep for his shift."

that you seem to know very little about flying. I know a lot about flying. So let's not tread unwittingly into other people's territory when we don't have to full facts, and let's just accept that if a driver is asked to slow down to avoid hitting playing children, it is not an unreasonable request.

But baby you must understand that you are not in a as/nt relationship. You believe you could be. Its not fact.
People will never have the same sympathy for people who 'think they might' have it as they do for those that do.
How do you know that the people who are not sympathising with people who have suspected aspergers don't have undiagnosed aspergers? They could. You are getting annoyed at peoples attitude about your dh, but they could have a similar issue.

BTW I will come back to this thread later, as I have to go to the bar to hang around with stewards now.

I don't for one minute believe that driving too fast has anything to do with Asperger's, diagnosed or otherwise. Every AS driver I know sticks to driving exactly as they had to in order to pass their tests. People with AS tend to be rule bound and rigously follow what the expert taught them. Black and white thinking doesn't allow for rule bending.

Do you have a flight this afternoon backinthebox? :)

Ok just popped on - pu skimmed thread so appogies if I miss any points made!
Yes DH is slowing down - having the 'hard fact' of 5mph being standard had helped him to see more clearly why that is an issue and also gives him a speed to aim for. (for want of a better expression.)
I mentioned his suspected AS to the neighbour, not to excuse his driving, get sympathy or to expect her to treat him any differently because of it, simply to explain to her that any 'bad attitude or feeling or perceived rudness' from him was nothing personal and that he genuinely wasn't meaning to be rude to her. I agree he does have to live with it and learn to cope etc.... But it's not quite that black and white. We have not had a formal diagnosis no - it's extremely hard, as in near impossible, to get one on NHS and we have no local specialists anyway. Any specialists I know of are private, are far away and cost way more than we can afford. As has already been said on here even if a diagnosis was achieved there is little any specialist can or would do, particularly on NHS if the adult is 'fully functioning' as my DH is.

Also I could easily say to neighbours etc that "He has got Aspergers" and it seems from here that would make my life much easier as being 100% fully diagnosed would make it better. They wouldn't ask to see the medical certificate after all!! But you see I won't do that because I don't have the formal diagnosis and won't lie, even though I'm as sure as hell he'd get it. I'd rather just tell people the truth "Sorry he has suspected AS so does come across as rude and aggressive, I'm not excusing him but please don't take it personally" that usually reassures people that they have done nothing wrong (which this particular neighbour was worried about after the 'mouth before brain' moment which I reassured her about.) and then I usually tell then a few techniques to use with him in the future if they need to discuss things with him - tbh I have found them to be very understanding and grateful of getting the information from me. I then, get DH to apologise for his rudeness next time he sees them. (It takes a while cos I always have to go into the 'why' he was perceived as rude, but he always does apologise.)

Hope I have covered most of not all the things brought up, but in very brief summary.... I only ever use his suspected AS to reassure people it's nothing personal and to explain his behaviour never to excuse it.... and in this case, though admitting having never noticed a problem my self, admitting that neighbour was more than likely right about speed and certainly not blaming that on AS!

Prince, my dad and brother are both pilots and i've got a I lapsed PPL. Funny old world!

I don't know why OP's DH drove too fast. I do not think it is an appropriate way to drive a car.

But, I do not think that it is fair to call him names and draw nasty conclusions from what the OP said.

If he has AS he thinks differently from those of us with "normal" brain wiring.

Doesn't make him an asshole. Doesn't make him a great driver, or a bad driver. It does mean that his communication skills are probably not as good as the general poplulation because he'll probably miss cues and Not Get It.

OP, how reassured by that was the neighbour who felt your DH was so aggressive towards him that he was going to actually call the Police?

Back - oh come on. You don't know any door knockers?

Purleeze.

"People with AS tend to be rule bound and rigorously follow what the expert taught them"
Yes that's true in many cases but not all, it depends on where on the spectrum they are and all sorts of factors. Some, like my DH will as said, rogorously follow rules, but oh those that they can see the logic for... Going a few miles per hour slower on the driveway is 'non-logical' because the driveway is X metres long, my stopping distance is Y metres long and I have visibility to see a child coming from Z metres therefore decreasing my speed won't make any difference as I can already stop in enough time to make it a more or less mathematical probability that I won't hit anyone! (Believe me, he phoned me in his lunch break after my 5mph message saying he will take it on board and slow down to that speed but blah blah blah half hour of mathematical formulae down the phone to explain why it's not really needed! I believe he will slow down to that or less now cos he's made allowances for others before after explanation even when he didn't agree and he has slowed down already.)

But like I said I never use AS to excuse his speed.

I'm not asking for sympathy.

I have no need for that, thanks. I have a good husband - a difficult, and frustrating one , but, aren't they all?

I'm sorry I stuck with this. I really thought that we were starting to understand each other:

Can I clarify:

It the thread's opinion that it is not valid to say that a person has AS unless they are diagnosed by an appropriately qualified psychiatrist?

worra actually I went out and told him politely to call them as I just wanted to sort out that particular situation straight away - that neighbour then shouted to me that "If he ever got any more verbal crap from DH he would punch his effing lights out" and then after a talk with me the next day when all was calmer (I offered to go round and speak to him, he agreed,) told me he never intended to call them anyway and admitted to just being frustrated DH wouldn't fight back!

That's really weird. I say something I know about people with AS (diagnosed) and I'm corrected because someone without a diagnosis doesn't do that.

Oh and with mentioning AS to people I am not looming for any sympathy - just a hope that they will understand a little why he is probably the way he is. I say suspected cos that's what it is, I could easily say he has got it, after all I doubt they'd know different as they prob would t wanna see written evidence, but I won't say that because as has been pointed out to me (as if I didn't know ) no formal diagnosis has been made.

But you are trying to excuse his behaviour when you don't really know if it is that or not and either way it doesn't allow him to be abusive

Kladdkaka I wasn't correcting you or saying you were wrong... If you look I did agree with you, I was just pointing out that it's not that black and white. I work with AS teenagers on a daily basis. Some of the diagnosed severe AS kids don't always follow rules rigorously as they question them - a prime example is the rule "Don't correct / answer back to the teacher" it's a rule so by your saying they should rogorously follow it - but if the teacher is perceived by the AS kid to be wrong then they will not follow that rule as it makes no sense to them, similarly 'you must wear black shoes no trainers' an Aspie kid asks 'why?' 'because it's smart' 'well my brown shoes or trainers are smart so why can't I wear them instead?' Tgey dont 'get' the rule so may not follow it.

Not saying you are wrong - for the majority you are right but it's not at all as black and white as that - believe me I wish it was as would be so much easier!

But having a suspected condition doesn't mean his is NOT an asshole.
That is what I am saying. For example I woman at work got breast cancer she was given extended sick leave, loads of support etc.
I found a lump in my breast, I told my manager and friend who was supportive and friendly. I wouldn't have expected the same sick leave and level of support the other woman got. Thankfully, I was fine. A suspected condition is not the same as a diagnosed condition.
I could say I have suspected aspergers, that's why I don't see it from your pov.
Doesn't make it true. But it would be an easier way of stopping people disagreeing with me. That is how the op uses her dhs suspected issue. She explains he has been rude because he might have....that stops the conversation instantly. Rather than actually sorting the issue.

Sorry OP I am not saying your dh is an asshole. At all I am just saying that without a diagnosis it could be either.
I don't get why he can't see the problem with speeding. Speeding and stopping distances are factual equations. I don't get how he can not see the logic in not speeding.

Dprince I may surprise you there by agreeing with you! the thing is I am truthful (he had got suspected AS 'diagnosed' by a retired specialist rather than one who can give a formal diagnosis - note the ' ' around 'diagnosed' as I realise it's not the same.)
Because of my anxiety I do use the suspected AS to stop conversations and situations so that I can take DH away, step in myself to talk to other person a d get their POV from them, talk to DH and then get everyone to discuss whatever at a later date when DH has had time to 'fact find' and because I don't want to have an anxiety attack if things 'blow up' because of DH's perceived attitude - after a day, or even a couple of hours for him to think through with my help he can always come back and talk things through with people.
So yes I do use it as an immediate excuse, but not an everlasting 'covers all one'...... Hope that makes sense... I still feel I haven't explained it well, feel free to PM me if you like as I'm prob not coming back to this thread, but you do seem to be talking reasonably and not 'flinging insults' like some so I'd be happy to discuss or equally happy not.

OP you have been extremely honest and I know why you do the things you do.
I honestly think trying to act as a mediator for your dh is adding to your anxiety. You are constantly trying to avoid anything blowing up.
I think the effect this is having on you would qualify your dh for further investigation.
I think you should go together as I think (while your anxiety predates you being with dh) your anxiety is indeed linked to his behaviour.

You didn't surprise me. :) I can see your pov very well. You have my sympathy, it must be incredibly difficult.

ProPerformer If you want to challenge his calculations ask him where the factor is for the child hiding in bush/round the corner and jumping out straight in front of him?

When my DD was hit she had run out between two cars. It was her own fault but the driver was going too fast.

Your DH has to recognise that the driveway isnt the same as the road as it contains a number of unpredictable factors and it is also shared space (in the sense of pedestrians/children playing etc) so he doesnt have rights over it.

Thanks DP I stand up for him it's my nature I guess!
Yeah going to some sort of councelling or whatever together would be a great thing. Yes my anxiety does indeed predate DH by many many years... As I've said before it really is a double edge sword, in many ways he's been a great help making it better - making sure I go out even when I'm having a dark day, helping me fill in forms for my part time work requests, coming with me to meetings about it, and other things, but yes the worry about how he reacts with neibours and other people is not helping at all!
I try to be as honest as possible about things.