Hubby's driving - problems with neighbours

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Ok, so to start: my hubby has suspected Aspergers syndrome (Not officially diagnosed, but both of us strongly suspect it and a friend of mine who is an aspergers expert says he almost certainly has) - he sometimes finds it difficult to understand other peoples opinions on things, social conventions, body language, appropriate ways of speaking etc. and this has caused problems with various neighbours in the past. (Tbh I do sometimes think our neighbours, nice as they seem, have a vendetta against us as they always seem to have been talking about us behind our backs but.... Maybe that's just my anxiety disorder.... Sure it is.... )

Anyway.... The other day we came home from shopping to be confronted by one of our neighbours telling DH to 'please slow down coming in and out of the shared driveway as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast, especially since getting our new car.'.
As far as I could hear (I was staying out of it in the car!) she was being quite reasonable and polite to begin with, DH responded that her kids and other kids are often playing in the driveway and he has never been even close to hitting them before (This is true, he always looks out for kids and animals and if there are any always stops in plenty of time without having to emergency stop). Unfortunately, because of his Aspergers, his body language and tone of voice was rather aggressive and he did seem to probe a bit too much into her reasons for her statement rather than just smiling, nodding and saying 'ok ill try to be slower'.
Unfortunately our neighbour had, what she later confessed to be a mouth before brain moment' and made a rude remark about his driving which then made him storm into the house ending the conversation. I then felt obliged to go apologise to the neighbour on his behalf and explain about his suspected Aspergers. She was extremely reasonable and apologetic for upsetting him but re-iterated that he just drives too fast. I said ok, I had never noticed the problem, but I am not a driver so.... Prepared to take her word.
Anyway when I got in to DH and talked to him he really was trying to see the neighbour's pov but just was physically/mentally unable to. Then a couple of days later he came out with 'I've been looking at my speed in the driveway and it's 8mph which gives me plenty of stopping distance and I can't go much slower than that anyway cos of needing to turn and stuff!" - he says he will 'try' to be slower but is convinced he a) wont be able to do so and b) it will be more dangerous if he does as he'll be concentrating on his speed rather than what's going on in the driveway.

As I said, I've never noticed a problem with his speed in the driveway as he does always stop in loads of time and is always hyper aware of kids and animals bring around (he has only ever run over 1 animal while out on motorways for naff sake!) BUT if 'all the neighbours' are talking about his fast driving then he must be going fast right?

Who is BU - DH or the neighbours? I'm open to both possibilities as I really have no clue and I just want us all to get on

I have driven a Formula 3 car round a track more than once. I have driven a rally car more than once. I've tested at Nimes. It's what I do for fun. I'm a very very fast driver. In situations where it's appropriate.

Turning into a shared drive I'd be crawling. And if your husband can't do that, he shouldn't be driving hes a danger to others.

Thanks SGM
WorraLiberty To me the suspected Aspergers and my anxiety are totally relevant as they are reasons why the situation can't just be sorted by DH going slower - which to be fair to him he is atm. (he will feel 'hard done by and not understand why and I'll have to bear the brunt, plus he'll keep questioning the neighbour every time he sees her/it gets mentioned - not to be rude just to understand why) and why I feel I can't help the situation and why, even though deep down I know it's DH BU I still worry.

I'd be wondering why the kids are playing in a driveway and not the garden.

And the suspected aspergers is just an excuse. You're using it to excuse him bring rude, pedantic, inflexible and having to have things his own way. It's possible he does have Aspergers. It's also possible he's being an arse about this, just because he's being an arse about this m

There is nothing I can see that would make turning into a drive easier at a faster speed, if anything it's harder. The "swinging into the drive" thing doesn't really make any sense at all - mechanically it will be easier to turn the car at a slower speed. 8mph is slightly under three times normal walking speed and in a driveway you shouldn't be going more than about walking speed. This isn't a question of your DH's abilities, it's because in a driveway you should be driving on the assumption that a small child is going to do something stupid at any moment (such as suddenly jump out from their hiding place.)

You say it can't be sorted by your DH going slower, but you say he is going slower atm?

Really I don't think a chance meeting with your friend for a few hours a couple of years ago, gives you the right to tell people you 'suspect' your DH has AS.

What difference will that make to them? They're not going to say "Ok fine, let him drive as fast as he likes then", are they?

For the record, he wouldn't be the first man to get upset when others criticise his driving and he won't be the last....AS diagnosis or not.

I agree with WorraLiberty.

Eh, but it will be sorted by your dh driving safely, won't it? Your neighbour doesn't care about your dh's suspected Aspergers, or your anxiety. They do care about their kids being safe. Which your dh can do by driving slower.

ikickedthetyres yes I am using it as an excuse in a way - I accept that - I use it as an excuse to end situations and conversations before he or the neighbours get overly 'het up' or offended and I can get him inside and talk to him myself therefore avoiding me having an anxiety episode, which I have in the past - hyperventilating and crying your eyes out over what many would find a trivial matter is embarrassing. Saying "Sorry he has suspected Asbergers" is the truth, but it also does mean people usually are happier to end conversations unresolved for a while and I can talk to DH myself and then manage to get him to see said neighbour/person later to apologise / sort the situation.

I had a conversation with my friend a few years ago where he said I drive like a man. I exhibit male driving characteristics. Does that make me a man? No it doesn't. There would need to be further investigations. Same for your DH.

Is he being investigated for Aspergers currently? Or is it all on your and your friend's supposition?

Your DH Is a grown man. He needs to sort his own shit out and not have you shielding him and stepping in. And he doesn't have suspected aspergers in the way that most people would understand it, as in been to the GP waiting a consultant diagnosis. You're bending that a bit to suit yourself.

You DH sounds very stressful to live with.
Is his behaviour related to your anxiety do you think?
Having to manage situations, remove him from situations, bear the brunt of his not understanding situations and so on.

FTU yes from the neighbours pov it will be sorted just by my DH driving slower which he is. (Well, says he is, I haven't actually been in the car with him since then so we'll see. But if he isnt I can nag him!) Bit from the POV of DH keep bringing it up at home, asking me 'why' and wanting to have further conversations with neighbour about 'why' etc. (Which is totally inappropriate but he can't see that!) it is not resolved for him/us if you get my drift.

OP - you have said he's a very safe/good driver numerous times....

....He may be exceptional at car control (though his statement about it being 'too slow to maneuver is contradictory to that), but you yourself has said he has trouble understanding others actions. To me, a key part of being a driver on the roads rather than the track - being able to anticipate/drive defensively in order to counteract irrational behaviour by other people, be they road users or pedestrians. If he has problems with that aspect, his driving is likely to be considered dangerous by others.

You're not his mother and he's not 3. It's not up to you to shield him. You'd be doing him and you more favours if you stepped back a bit and let him face the natural consequences of his actions.

"as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast"

This would really have upset me. The vision of all my neighbours standing around talking about me would make me feel paranoid and ultra sensitive. It would make many people defensive.

Do you think there's an element of your neighbours using you and your DH as easy targets for gossiping? You, with your anxiety and your DH with his suspected Aspergers. Do they perhaps have a lot of time on their hands to stand around talking about the state of your windows?

I do think your DH is driving too fast, but I can see why you are upset as well.

Yet to read all relpies so sorry if this has already been said.

My DH tended to swing into our parking place too fast, I'd asked him not to and the neighbours had seen but not commented (also shared drive)

I found the solution was to ask him to REVERSE into the parking space.

He's much slower now

Good Luck, you sound so sensible and lovely

I feel sorry for you with your anxiety - feeling anxious about your neighbours and having to keep tabs on your husband's sorry behaviour can't help you can it.

To be honest the whole asperger's thing is a red herring - if he got a diagnosis tomorrow it doesn't mean that you should just accept his rude, intolerant and boorish behaviour. I am sure that not all people with aspergers behave like this at all. Perhaps he is just an ignorant bully.

In any case a diagnosis wouldn't help you at all, having to keep the peace. I agree with SGM that the most important thing is to try and help you manage your anxiety.

FWIW he is driving far too fast. His not recognising this and accepting this also I don't think has anything to do with asperger's - he is just another ghastly aggressive driver who cannot accept any criticism of his driving. He needs to slow down.

I think you have to think about it from the neighbors POV, she is worried for the safety of her/other people's children. No matter what diagnosis your OH may or may not have it isn't ok for him to disregard those concerns.

As for them talking behind your back I think it is the right thing to do, maybe the woman was worried that she was bu and wanted to check with other people to see if they had noticed it.

I think you need to stop saying he has aspergers without a diagnosis. In my opinion you can't expect others to understand his behavior based 1 meeting with a retired expert.

If I was in the situation where my DP felt hard done by having to go 3mph slower when in the drive and he was refusing to go for any sort of testing then I would have very little patience left. Surely there are laws that he can't see why they are there but he still follows them? I would say to my DP I don't want to here anything more on the matter, you have the option to look more into a possible adpergers diagnosis if you are not willing to do that and gain help with coping skills then I don't want to here about it. I am a mean DP but there is no solution that I or you could give him.

"as the neighbours have all been talking about how he drives so fast"

But he does!

FTU & IKTT - he did go to the docs once about it a few years back and did one of those quiz things.....Doc agreed it was a strong possibility but said "But youve lived with it for X years so there's not much we can do!" (Not our current doctor btw!) Unfortunatly because that person was a doctor and I'm not he believes the doc that there is no point perusing it and as the doc was not an expert I cannot in all conscience claim his 'suspicions' as being any more relevant than the suspicions of my friend who was a specialist! I know I can use it as an excuse and 'twist' it a bit... It's my coping mechanism - as for leaving him to sort things out himself as he's an adult - I tried that once with a different situ and neighbour - it ended with DH coming away calmly thinkin he'd sorted things and said 'other' neighbour kicking our door in an threatening to call the police on DH for being abusive! (And I was watching from window and that particular neighbour was goading DH to get in a fight and DH was having none of it.) so though I know other neighbours (particularly the one involved in this incident wouldn't be like that) due to anxiety I'm just afraid to take that risk!

SQ oh I have no doubt living with DH sometimes doesn't help my anxiety - but he's also been more help than others at times so it really is a double edged sword.

The only way I could get my ex to get a formal diagnosis was when he was has having problems at work. As they told if he got one he could get help to cope.
So he did. my going to the GP and telling them this.

When you have kids that are playing out the front, with their friends, and he knocks your own child down because he is going too fast, and you take your own child to casualty, and the police are called (as they will be because there's an injury) and he gets prosecuted for dangerous or careless driving .... He's going to stand in front of the judge and say "but it's ok your honour because I have suspected Aspergers diagnosed from a 5 minute conversation my wife had with her friend 3 years ago"

Can't you see how ridiculous that is?

Then you are making a choice to enable his behaving like an arrogant tosser.