Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 23/07/2012 19:14

Hope I've caught you before you go out. When you meet your db tonight:

  • Remember he is only 19
  • Give him a big unmumsnet hug from all of us
  • Tell him he did an amazing thing and you are proud of him
  • Tell him to accept the money back
  • Tell him he doesnt not need to and is not expected to forgive until he feels ready, even if she has paid the money back (and even if this is never)
  • DO NOT try to rationalise what your sister did AT ALL

Then drop the subject and just have a nice night together!

Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 23/07/2012 19:15

You know he probably is still so very angry because he's not even getting support from his family! The poor man, he put his sister's life first - didn't call the police, didn't have her up for fraud, fired from her job - and yet his family just want him to drop. He sounds like the most mature out of the lot of you.

Stop using your sister's illness to excuse what she did. Thousands of people have depression and aren't criminals. This isn't a minor intra-family cock up this is something she could go to jail for. Until the whole family accept the cold hard truth of what she did, your sister won't be able to move forward and take responsibility for her own life and your poor brother won't feel like a valued member of the family.

Plus - honestly, she works in a bank?! Beggars belief.

gargent · 23/07/2012 19:18

YABU has he always been his big sisters whipping boy? I find her attitude towards him contemptable? She has used him to finance her holiday and her gambling whilst you who are either incredibly stupid or naive are happy to back her up and pressurise him into forgiving him.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/07/2012 19:19

Oh forgot - Apologise (with no excuses) for the pressure/guilt you put onto him to "let it go and forgive"

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 23/07/2012 19:20

Stop making excuses for your sister. Because you are. The depression is not an acceptable one.

giokle · 23/07/2012 19:22

You seem to be more interested in giving a false impression of a unified family rather than focus on the fact your sister has defrauded your brother out of his savings. He must be a kind soul as many would have had her having a ride in the back of a police car.

sugarice · 23/07/2012 19:23

It's not good enough that she is paying him back in installments, that won't fund something he may want to do at short notice such as a holiday or act as a deposit on something and if it's a very significant amount it could take years to reach. . Unless she is already in debt up to her neck you should suggest she takes out a loan via her bank and settles this asap.

giokle · 23/07/2012 19:23

How much is the amount she owes by the way?

MadamFolly · 23/07/2012 19:24

I hope you have corrected your attitude for when you meet your brother OP

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 19:27

giokle- It totals around £1300

OP posts:
sugarice · 23/07/2012 19:29

£1300 she owes and how much has she saved so far Lin?

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 19:29

About £400

OP posts:
Dprince · 23/07/2012 19:30

Lets hope he doesn't fancy a holiday then.
I assume you would be ok OP if he gets a loan in your name to fund a his homie.

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 19:31

linioj

I dare you to show this thread to your wonderful brother.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 19:31

His homie? I clearly meant his holiday. :)

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 23/07/2012 19:32

yes, please show your brother this thread.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/07/2012 19:32

OP, after the feedback on the thread, interested in what are you going to say to your db tonight?

I honestly believe if you want any chance of a reconcilation in the future the rest of your family need to make him feel better about what he did (with no excuses for her behaviour), stand up for him and his feelings and back off and let him make his own mind up in his own time.

sugarice · 23/07/2012 19:33

£400 is a good amount which your db should accept. When you meet him later do you think you can talk him into accepting that and can your dsis arrange a loan for £1000 to cover the remainder and hopefully put the matter to bed?

Dprince · 23/07/2012 19:37

I think that is the problem sugar. I don't think he is ready to 'put it to bed' which may be why he is not accepting the money.
The family are already pressuring him to forgive, if he gets the money back the pressure will be greater. The OP just doesn't get how upset he is or how bad the sister has behaved.
If I was him I would take the money, and forgive if/ when I was ready.
OP when was she diagnosed? I have asked a few times and you seem unwilling to answer, what is her treatment?

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 19:38

She was diagnosed in November last year and has been on a plethora of ADs and she has been getting better in the last couple of months.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 19:41

Are you going to show your brother this thread?

sugarice · 23/07/2012 19:43

Lin talk him into accepting the £400.

KittyFane1 · 23/07/2012 19:49

Your brother has done more than most for this sister.
He didn't contact the police and she wasn't procectuted for fraud due to his generosity.
She has got off lightly and you cannot expect him to want a relationship with her. She has betrayed him really badly and you are VVVU to expect him to do anything to smooth things over.
Your DH is right. You are underestimating the damage that has been done.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 19:51

So when did this happen?
Because from how I read ir your brothers birthday was a while ago and he saved the money instead of spending it on something stupid.
Was it burning a hole in her pocket. Honestly at 18 he has been sensible and she does this.
when did she forge the documents, when did hr find out?

hereneia · 23/07/2012 20:00

I suspect I'm going to get flamed but I don't think you are BU. What she did is wrong and she acknowledges this and is trying to make amends. Depression and mental health problems make people do terrible things which are out of character. She is family and it is only money, family is much more valuable and his attitude and the way he appears to self combust at any mention of her is unhelpful. Hating your own sister is a very sad state of affairs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread