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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want nail polish on my 4yo!

304 replies

HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 10:12

I suspect I'm going to be told IABU but I've got to ask.

DD1 is 4. When she goes to a friends house to play she invariably comes home with nail varnish on. It seems that it's very normal for her 4yo friends to paint their nails, yes ever scarlet red, though just as often pink or purple etc. Many of her (girl) friends at nursery have painted nails all the time.

I don't like it - for lots of reasons including:

  • I think it is PART of the sexualisation of young girls which as a Mum of girls concerns me greatly. It's make up, its about feeling pretty and girlie - and I feel it is inappropriate for a 4yo. 14yo sure, 9yo, perhaps gritted teeth but 4yo is too young to be starting down this road.
  • the parents of her friends simply assume that it's OK. In their eyes it's harmless girlie fun I guess. This I could understand on an older child (though I still might not like it), but on a 4yo!! (I'm being a fuddy duddy??)
  • DD then asks for her nails to be painted all the time. I have on occasion given in and allowed her to paint her toenails (i.e. twice in a year). I use a silver glitter polish. I'm not entirely happy about this, but I have done it. (This makes me realise that the nail painting at friends homes has been happening since she was 3 Shock)
  • I then have to use highly toxic nail polish to get the stuff off & in the meantime its all chipped etc anjd looks nasty. I really don't like rubbing polish remover all over my little girls hands &/or feet (I have pretty much let the silver nail polish on her toes chip off). Also as soon as it comes off I then get constantly pestered to paint her nails. I say no (with the 2 exceptions when I have done her toenails silver glitter before a holiday & before a dress up party)
  • I object as a feminist, to young girls being encouraged to use make-up, or being subtly manipulated to feeling somehow 'special' wearing makeup. And it's clearly a 'girl' thing, to paint nails. I don't see any boys queueing up for it.

We've been to a couple of nursery/primary school fairs recently and they have nail polish stands with queues of young girls lining up - it's like face painting now. It's become the norm. I think this is sad and ghastly. Such young girls becoming mini-me's to their Mums.

I think a lot of this is about the Mum - 'dressing up' little girls. DD is NOT a living doll FFS!! She is not here to make YOU (friends Mum) feel better about yourself by "pleasing" young girls by painting them with toxic shit.

I believe in protecting and fostering childhood and childhood innocence for as long as I possibly can. Its a challenge in todays society and I really feel that this nail painting crap bites into that.

AIBU? Am I being unrealistic?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/07/2012 11:18

I am 43. Kids have been having their nails painted for all of my lifetime and before. It is not sexualisation.

When I was a kid, you could get fake nail tips, for playing dressing up.. plastic things with pointy sharp red nails on them that you stuck on the end of your fingers.. now THEY were dangerous, and an easy choking object. I would say a bit of nail polish poses far less risk.

My mother was quite relieved when I played with my dolls, and wanted to dress up, because the rest of the time I was climbing trees, kicking a football around, building dens, and generally behaving like a boy, with the scraped shins and grazed knees and splinters which that sort of play entails. She knew there would be less injury and less damage to me and my clothes if I was being more of a girly girl. Grin

perplexedpirate · 19/07/2012 11:19

My DS loves my nail polish. Current favourite: blue sparkles. My IL's hate him wearing it, but yah boo sucks to them.
I really wouldn't sweat it OP.

Mrsjay · 19/07/2012 11:20

"don't think DD is an airhead at all.
I just think 4 is too young to wear makeup"

it is nail polish if you had said I think she is too young then i dont think you would have got the reaction you did, you said you thought it sexulises (sp) girls it really doesn't it is dress up IMO do you let her dress up in costumes ?

oooohhhhyes · 19/07/2012 11:21

OP I understand where you're coming from. I am battling the early maturity and princessy influences, though as kids like to conform, I try not to take it to extremes. I agree that there is far more pressure on very young girls to be "prettified" though often it comes from the girls themselves and the mums lovingly wanting to let them have some fun. I think nail polish, though a fairly minor matter, is a symptom of this trend in society, not helped by x factor etc (which I enjoyed watching as a family and it was almost compulsory for dcs as everyone talked about it at school, but the sexually charged dancing and clothes were horrible for kids to be constantly exposed to). YANBU to want control over how you bring your child up, inc her nails, but maybe relax a bit on this issue but ban the blooming photoshopped magazines from house - I think these are far more pernicious than nail polish.

DuelingFanjo · 19/07/2012 11:21

YANBU.

oooohhhhyes · 19/07/2012 11:23

PS I think every generation has similar worries - I bet my parents were a bit Shock over the candy cigarettes we all used to "smoke" Grin

derekthehamster · 19/07/2012 11:23

My ds would come home from playgroup when he was 3/4 with painted nails, always a lurid green colour.

I would be secretly delighted if my son's started wearing a bit of eye liner and nail varnish, but again, I was a teen in the 80's Grin

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 19/07/2012 11:28

YABU and a bit of a hypocrite. If nail varnish bothered you that much you wouldn't ever have painted your DD's nails. But you said that you have.

Having said that, she is your DD so if you don't like it tell the other mum you'd like her to stop. No big deal. No need to launch into a feminist rant Hmm

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:32

feminist rant Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:35

I don't have photo shopped magazines in the house (haven't for years) and I don't play music videos these days at all. I also edit what music I listen to when the DD's are around.
.

OP posts:
Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:37

yes Mrsjay she sometimes dresses up at Minnie Mouse, or as a elf, or an angel at Xmas.

OP posts:
IceCreamCastles · 19/07/2012 11:39

Yanbu. I would be quite annoyed if dd came home with her fingernails painted even though I sometimes do her toes as a treat.

For me it's a question of boundaries. Dd is only 3 and I think it's fair enough that she knows that she's not allowed nail polish on her fingers until she is a 'big girl'

I think it looks trashy when it inevitably chips and as you say I don't like the idea of using too much remover on her.

Fwiw I remember my mum being distinctly unimpressed when I came home from a friends house with my fingernails painted at the age of 11!

DowagersHump · 19/07/2012 11:39

DS has bright orange nails at the moment and the only thing that annoys me is the number of comments he gets from people who should know better. If he were a girl, I might feel differently but he likes wearing it and I'm happy to indulge him.

He does (as someone else says) view it in the same way as temp tattoos.

I wouldn't dream of painting another child's nails though. I would be v pissed off about that

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:39

squeaky I am 44. But I grew up in the sticks. Plus we were very poor. But as I said none of my school friends wore nail varnish, even when we were putting on eyeliner and mascara enroute to school.

OP posts:
kickingKcurlyC · 19/07/2012 11:45

I don't have a problem with nail varnish.

Because, it isn't enhancing sexual signals, like lipstick or blusher.

And it isn't something that adult women use to seem younger, like shaving.

And it isn't something that women do to emasculate themselves, like high heels.

It's just decorative. People like to decorate themselves! For fun!

I use M & S nail varnish on my DD, on the odd occasions that we paint her nails, because I read that they're less toxic.

gingerchick · 19/07/2012 11:45

My 2 year old and 5 year old are both sporting black finger and toenails because mine are and they wanted the same I suppose I ought to be burned at the stake huh I have no problem with it and I think really if this is a big problem for you then OP You have a rude awakening as your dd grows up, you are being ridiculous and precious IMO my 2 year old went to pre school this morning with pink lipstick and blusher on because she was wanting to dress up- no big deal to me

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2012 11:46

It's nail polish

You're over reacting and projecting your feminist views about it

She's 4 - it's fun

You give mixed messages by allowing her to paint her toenails

The only fair point you have imo is that the other parents should check with you incase she's allergic.

Then again, if they've seen her painted toenails why would they?

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:47

well made points thanks kickingKcurlyC

OP posts:
Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:49

As you call me ridiculous and precious gingerchick I'll share that I think you're an absolute fool for letting a 2yo wear lipstick and blusher. Each to their own.

OP posts:
Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:50

worra why shouldn't I project my feminist views about it to my DD's?

OP posts:
gingerchick · 19/07/2012 11:51

Why? It's putting a colour on her face its not strutting her up and down the road in high heels and a bikini?

gordyslovesheep · 19/07/2012 11:53

I think you are confusing the issue - being a feminist isn;t about whether or not you paint your nails - it's about so much more

you can be a feminist and wear nail varnish, lip gloss and heels - trust me I do ...and I was at Greenham Grin

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 11:56

I do understand that gordyslovesheep. I wear makeup. Have no issues with women wearing makeup. My issue is with my 4YO wearing makeup and that I feel that this contributes, in part, to the sexualisation of young children (which is well documented as being a big problem and which IS a feminist issue)

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 19/07/2012 11:58

it only does that if it's MADE sexual - if no one says 'ohhhh the boys will love your nails' or 'don't you look sexy/grown up/ etc etc with those nails' how will she see it as anything other than playing with colours on her nails?

if you make a huge issue of it though ...

WorraLiberty · 19/07/2012 11:58

worra why shouldn't I project my feminist views about it to my DD's?

Because when they're as extreme as yours appear to be, you run the risk of sucking the joy out of something as simple as applying nail polish with friends.

This in my experience, is likely to confuse such a young child and perhaps ultimately make her completely rebellious in the end.

Slowly slowly catch monkey...or however the saying goes.

But that's just my opinion FWIW.