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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want nail polish on my 4yo!

304 replies

HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 10:12

I suspect I'm going to be told IABU but I've got to ask.

DD1 is 4. When she goes to a friends house to play she invariably comes home with nail varnish on. It seems that it's very normal for her 4yo friends to paint their nails, yes ever scarlet red, though just as often pink or purple etc. Many of her (girl) friends at nursery have painted nails all the time.

I don't like it - for lots of reasons including:

  • I think it is PART of the sexualisation of young girls which as a Mum of girls concerns me greatly. It's make up, its about feeling pretty and girlie - and I feel it is inappropriate for a 4yo. 14yo sure, 9yo, perhaps gritted teeth but 4yo is too young to be starting down this road.
  • the parents of her friends simply assume that it's OK. In their eyes it's harmless girlie fun I guess. This I could understand on an older child (though I still might not like it), but on a 4yo!! (I'm being a fuddy duddy??)
  • DD then asks for her nails to be painted all the time. I have on occasion given in and allowed her to paint her toenails (i.e. twice in a year). I use a silver glitter polish. I'm not entirely happy about this, but I have done it. (This makes me realise that the nail painting at friends homes has been happening since she was 3 Shock)
  • I then have to use highly toxic nail polish to get the stuff off & in the meantime its all chipped etc anjd looks nasty. I really don't like rubbing polish remover all over my little girls hands &/or feet (I have pretty much let the silver nail polish on her toes chip off). Also as soon as it comes off I then get constantly pestered to paint her nails. I say no (with the 2 exceptions when I have done her toenails silver glitter before a holiday & before a dress up party)
  • I object as a feminist, to young girls being encouraged to use make-up, or being subtly manipulated to feeling somehow 'special' wearing makeup. And it's clearly a 'girl' thing, to paint nails. I don't see any boys queueing up for it.

We've been to a couple of nursery/primary school fairs recently and they have nail polish stands with queues of young girls lining up - it's like face painting now. It's become the norm. I think this is sad and ghastly. Such young girls becoming mini-me's to their Mums.

I think a lot of this is about the Mum - 'dressing up' little girls. DD is NOT a living doll FFS!! She is not here to make YOU (friends Mum) feel better about yourself by "pleasing" young girls by painting them with toxic shit.

I believe in protecting and fostering childhood and childhood innocence for as long as I possibly can. Its a challenge in todays society and I really feel that this nail painting crap bites into that.

AIBU? Am I being unrealistic?

OP posts:
FireOverBabylon · 19/07/2012 10:32

OP I only have a DS but my gut reaction on seeing nail varnish on little, i.e. pre-school age, girls is Urgh. I think they're just too young for it, and it's not as easy to step away from, in terms of playing at being like mummy, as just stepping out of a pair of shoes. Plus, as you say, it looks dreadful when it's bitten or chipped.

Could you maybe put some subtle limits in place on this - arrange to meet friends in the park, invite children to your house instead, do baking with them or swimming so it's less easy or practical to keep nail varnish on. Also, feel free to just tell the other parents that you'd rather they didn't do this whilst your child is playing with theirs then it's not a case of your DD missing out, just not something that happens when she's there. My DS has eczema and sensitive skin so I'd be unhappy if he'd had his face painted whilst at a friends house, because he might react to the paint. Not quite the same as your case but why is another parent painting something onto the skin / nails of someone else's child without asking the parents? The child might want this doing because her friends have it done, but a 4 year old isn't a good judge of what they should have done to their skin.

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 10:32

people aren't dropping dead of nail polish use
Well that is daft, and of course they aren't. But if you don't think that our constant exposure to certain chemicals causes long term health issues then you have your head in the sand. Some are avoidable (4yo exposure via nail polish for example) and some aren't.

OP posts:
fruitysummer · 19/07/2012 10:33

Have you explained to your DD your feelings about nail polish?

EarnestDullard · 19/07/2012 10:34

Hmm. My DD is only 2yo so I haven't encountered make-up yet, so it's hard to say how I'd feel. I think it's just part of dressing up, not necessarily sexualisation imo. I agree that her saying she feels beautiful with her nails painted is a little worrying, but it could actually be a good opportunity to reinforce the idea that she's beautiful whatever she wears, beauty is on the inside, etc.

UnChartered · 19/07/2012 10:34

OP, you are the one teaching her to dress up for special occasions to look beautiful btw, by painting her nails for special trips/parties

StuntGirl · 19/07/2012 10:34

OP if you're so bothered by these deadly chemicals then don't put it on her yourself! Seriously, you've lost any credibility with this arguement now.

KellyElly · 19/07/2012 10:34

I agree with you on the toxic removers etc but I think you are looking too deeply to see it as the 'sexualisation' of young girls. For a little girl it's just playing dress up, same way they want to walk around in mummys shoes, wear pretty princess dresses, put on lip gloss etc. My nearly three year old DD wants the transfer tattoos, make up, nail varnish etc. It's just what little girls do.As long as it's just for fun and not something they wear all the time I don't see the problem. Also, I don't see nail varnish as particularly sexual on an adult either. Now if she came home wearing a thong or something like that, then that is definately the sexualisation of young girls and I can't believe companies make them. Same as the string bikinis for kids - that's wrong in so many ways!

Sirzy · 19/07/2012 10:36

I used to wear nail varnish as a child as a special thing, loved it. Now I can't remember the last time I had my nails painted. I don't think what you do as a 4 year old sets you up for life!

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 10:36

So it would be ok if it was non-toxic then OP?
Slightly - the toxic issue is a biggie for me.
Once she had one hand painted with a polish that washed off in the bath. And I was certainly alot happier about that.

But 4yo's are cute and gorgeous and lovely as they are. And issues with make-up and beauty and self-esteem are huge factors in many teenage girls lives. Possibly younger girls even. So I don't see it as fun, I don't see it as necessary, and it is unwanted. I don't want this whole 'beauty' thing kicked off in a 4YO. And it is.

Plus I think the friends parents who are doing this are taking fucking liberties.

OP posts:
newnetcurtains · 19/07/2012 10:36

I don't like nail polish on young children either. They might see it as pretty nails but in reality it's make up and sexualizes the appearance of young children. It never ceases to amaze me how frequently my dds come home from playdates wearing nail polish and / tattoos. Personally, I wouldn't even contemplate putting these on children without their parent's express permission.

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 19/07/2012 10:37

My 3 year old son is currently sporting tangerine fingernails and green toenails. I guess for us it is just a part of dressing up. This morning he wore his rhino t shirt, pink frilly skirt, bob the builder pants and sparkly alice band to play with his trains in. He thinks he look 'gawjus Mummy'.

StuntGirl · 19/07/2012 10:38

So tell the parents you don't want them putting it on her and stop doing it yourself. Mountain out of a bloody molehill.

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 10:38

Sirzy I'm not around when the other Mum's do it.

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 19/07/2012 10:39

Is now a bad time to admit that DD somehow managed to get one of my nail varnishes and painted her FACE with it?

UnChartered · 19/07/2012 10:39

you won't stop her becoming part of that issue by banning her from using make up though, you should be talking to her about it

think about the language she and you are using - if you say 'pretty' and 'beautiful' wrt make up then she will associate those things together.

lifeisshort · 19/07/2012 10:40

Oh my God!! I would go mental at friends mum. It is sexualisation of a young girl. I have 3 DDs and I would go mad if anyone painted their nails and my eldest is 10. Its a joke the way people think its OK to just do it to your child because they do it with their own.

NO!! ITS NOT OK!!

tell this parent who allows thus that you do not approve

Sirzy · 19/07/2012 10:40

So you never see the other mums? You don't drop your daughter off or pick her up? If you were so bothered about it surely you would make sure you told her?

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 19/07/2012 10:41

yabu for lots of reasons.
yabvvvvu for being so hypocritical in painting her nails yourself when you're arguing about carcinogenic properties.
Don't even get me started on the fact that you won't back down or accept yabu. Why the fuck did you ask?

BornToFolk · 19/07/2012 10:42

"I don't see any boys queueing up for it."

You've not met my 4 year old DS then! Currently sporting pink sparkly nails and blue toe-nails. He sees it in the same way as face painting or temporary tattoos, just a fun way of decorating your body. To be honest, so do I. I don't think I'd see it any differently if he was a girl. I don't say "oh, don't you look pretty with your nails painted!", or anything like that.

Mostly I use it as bribery to actually get him to let me cut his nails! I wouldn't paint any other child's nails unless I had their parent's permission.

But if you don't like painting her nails, don't do it. And have you actually asked her friends' parents not to do her nails?

Sirzy · 19/07/2012 10:42

How does some paint sexualise a child unless you let it?

If you are giving them a full face of make up every day before going out then fair enough. If they are playing with it and think its fun to have it then that isn't sexualisation.

Passmethecrisps · 19/07/2012 10:43

I am very allergic to nail varnish so I would object to this.

Does it need to be a big issue? Can you not speak to the parent and say "I'm just not keen on nail varnish on DD" problem solved?

My issue other than my own allergy would be potential mess when she inevitably tries it alone.

UnChartered · 19/07/2012 10:43

Sirzy it's because all women who wear make up are up for it, innit

Mrsjay · 19/07/2012 10:43

I dont see why a bit of pink nail varnish is sexualising girls if a girl is a girlie girl then they are going to be attracted to girlie things IMO it is inbuilt there is so much more you can be worrying about with having a daughter than a bit of nail polish, you dont like it then thats fine dont put it on her, but it isnt forcing little girls to grow up or sexulising them IMO ,

Original poster
HipHopOpotomus · 19/07/2012 10:44

StuntGirl you are right and I won't be painting her toes again. Things have progressed somewhat, finger nail painting wise, since I did that.

But it's not hypocritical to criticise the other Mums. I've not painted any other child's fingernails when they have come over to play.

It's clear that some enlightened people feel the same way as I do Grin, and others see it as just all harmless fun! Which is why DD is coming home with painted nails.

OP posts:
Methe · 19/07/2012 10:45

My poor sexualised children

Confused
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