To not want nail polish on my 4yo!

[HipHopOpotomus]

I suspect I'm going to be told IABU but I've got to ask.

DD1 is 4. When she goes to a friends house to play she invariably comes home with nail varnish on. It seems that it's very normal for her 4yo friends to paint their nails, yes ever scarlet red, though just as often pink or purple etc. Many of her (girl) friends at nursery have painted nails all the time.

I don't like it - for lots of reasons including:

• I think it is PART of the sexualisation of young girls which as a Mum of girls concerns me greatly. It's make up, its about feeling pretty and girlie - and I feel it is inappropriate for a 4yo. 14yo sure, 9yo, perhaps gritted teeth but 4yo is too young to be starting down this road.

• the parents of her friends simply assume that it's OK. In their eyes it's harmless girlie fun I guess. This I could understand on an older child (though I still might not like it), but on a 4yo!! (I'm being a fuddy duddy??)

• DD then asks for her nails to be painted all the time. I have on occasion given in and allowed her to paint her toenails (i.e. twice in a year). I use a silver glitter polish. I'm not entirely happy about this, but I have done it. (This makes me realise that the nail painting at friends homes has been happening since she was 3 )

• I then have to use highly toxic nail polish to get the stuff off & in the meantime its all chipped etc anjd looks nasty. I really don't like rubbing polish remover all over my little girls hands &/or feet (I have pretty much let the silver nail polish on her toes chip off). Also as soon as it comes off I then get constantly pestered to paint her nails. I say no (with the 2 exceptions when I have done her toenails silver glitter before a holiday & before a dress up party)

• I object as a feminist, to young girls being encouraged to use make-up, or being subtly manipulated to feeling somehow 'special' wearing makeup. And it's clearly a 'girl' thing, to paint nails. I don't see any boys queueing up for it.

We've been to a couple of nursery/primary school fairs recently and they have nail polish stands with queues of young girls lining up - it's like face painting now. It's become the norm. I think this is sad and ghastly. Such young girls becoming mini-me's to their Mums.

I think a lot of this is about the Mum - 'dressing up' little girls. DD is NOT a living doll FFS!! She is not here to make YOU (friends Mum) feel better about yourself by "pleasing" young girls by painting them with toxic shit.

I believe in protecting and fostering childhood and childhood innocence for as long as I possibly can. Its a challenge in todays society and I really feel that this nail painting crap bites into that.

AIBU? Am I being unrealistic?

Okay so you've said you mentioned you didn't like it to the other parents, but now you're discussing how they might take your objection.

Are you saying you've mentioned it, but now you're deciding whether to actually properly forbid other parents to do it? I'd say go for it, she's your DD and it obviously bothers you. If you're not going to say something then there's no point giving it a lot more thought.

Surely this is very easily solved by telling the other parents that you would prefer it if your DD's nails weren't painted? If you feel so strongly about this, which you clearly do, then why not act upon it and stop painting her nails yourself

I don't think it's a particularly big deal, in the grand scheme of things.

I had no idea people got so worked up about things like this. Might explain some of the looks I got at tumble tots the other week, as DD (2 yrs) has her toe nails painted.

Can't see the issue myself, I paint my toe nails, DD wanted hers painted to be like me. It's just colour and she thinks it's brilliant fun.

Couldn't care less if others judge me for it either.

Oh and lots of little boys do it too, so definitely not just a girl thing. My DD did look at DH's toenails the other days and shout "paint" with a face the other day though, she couldn't understand why his weren't painted..

I'm definately going to get the peel off non toxic for my DD.

YABU. She's painted her nails not done her up like Barbie doll, dressed her like a prostitute and put her in a beauty pageant (referring to toddlers and tiara's).

A little nail varnish never harmed me, my sister or brother, nor will it harm my dd and ds!!

I think if she wanted to splodge eye-shadow, masscara and blusher all over her face, and wear sparkly high-heeled shoes and skimpy bikini-like clothes, you'd have something to worry about. A little bit of nail polish isn't going to do her any harm. My daughters both occasionally put it on for fun (one is 11, the other seven) and it doesn't bother me. Perhaps the more you try to stop her, the more she'll want to wear it. Also, I don't understand why it's got anything to do with sexualisation of young girls. That sounds a bit far fetched to me.

squeaky chemicals get absorbed via the nail bed skin and through the mouth (esp bad for nail chewers or kids who put hand in mouth).

OP I am in the 'its only a bit of fun brigade' as you put it, however you seem to have moved on from that now.

In regards to the toxic aspect, I don't have a problem with it as many of our everyday type things are proven or suspected of being carcinogenic. Burning candles, dry cleaning, pickled products, working as a hairdresser, Diesel fumes, the effect of working at night etc etc the list goes on and on.

Do you feed your daughter ham or sausages?

both my boys went through phases of having their nails painted

So many of us have ds that like to have their nails done.

This is a pretty equal field at 2/3/4 yo. Why change that? Why can't the boys that relish their nail colours continue? Why make girls feel like they are only painting their nails to be more attractive?

Oh it's because it's more toxic to girls.

I don't think nail varnish has anything to do with feminism. I am 50 and am wearing green metallic on my nails (which are short) to match my dress. I change my nail colours regularly to match my outfits. I see it as an extension of my look. My DD14 paints her toenails and has done so since she was younger. In fact DS16 has his nails painted; sludge green and blue alternate nails...although it is for a play, he is Oberon King of the Faeries.

I think OP, you are overthinking this. A bit of fun, is all...

YABU. My two boys (3 and 5) love having nail polish on.

You say you want to foster their childhood innocence and I agree, but I think you need to recognise that to small children nail polish is just like colouring in your nails. When you start to impose your adult perceptions relating to sexuality, feminism etc you are actually removing the innocence from the act.

Try and let it remain the innocent fun that they see it as.

The toxic aspect might be an issue in the US but in Britain it's really a non flyer.

I agree with Bubbaluv here -- 'When you start to impose your adult perceptions relating to sexuality, feminism etc you are actually removing the innocence from the act.'

I had a run in earlier this year with a teacher in DD3's school who was apoplectic about the outfit DD had chosen for a class trip to an opera matinee. DD3 was wearing black leggings of mine, black boots of mine, and a long floaty dark red top of DD2's with beading at the top. The top fell below her bottom by several inches. Over the top she wore a white cardigan with 3/4 sleeves, as it was winter. The teacher called me to say that DD3's 'dress' was far too short and that [gassp] 'you can see her bottom' when she leans over. I pointed out that DD3 was wearing leggings, not tights, that the top was a top and not a dress, and that if she didn't want to see DD3's bottom then she should avert her eyes. The teacher insisted it was 'not modest'. Later, DD3 told me she had been shouted at by three berserk teachers, all surrounding her and being hysterical, led by the teacher who had called me, a dragon whom everyone in the school was afraid of. The dragon lady wanted me to bring something to cover DD3's bottom. Yes, right, I will drop everything and humour you... I don't think so.

I ended up writing her a snippy email telling her I was the only judge my DD had to listen to on questions of 'modesty' and asking her to make sure the menu for future Ash Wednesday trips didn't include cheeseburgers.

Thing is, DD3 is a stick. A short stick. She was 13 at the time, and really hadn't started developing at all. One of the issues we had run into coming up with an outfit for her for this opera trip was finding clothes to fit her that weren't suitable for 8 year old children. DD3 thought what she had on would be fine for the weather and fancy enough for the occasion. It hadn't crossed her mind that her bottom would be of interest to anyone. Frankly imo, anyone leering at a busload of 13 and 14 year old girls is a person with an issue.

Back to nail polish my girls wear nail polish and always have. I never do, except on my toe nails in summer. Nail polishing is one of their favourite things to do either on their own or with friends. They all love styling their long hair and they take a keen interest in clothes and fashion and makeup once they get to the teens (and once they can fit into affordable teen clothes). I have encouraged all of this and in doing so, I have (I hope) given them the message that appearance is a matter of their taste and that other people's opinion of their taste should not matter too much to them, and also that they have a right to choose the way they present themselves to the world I think there is a danger of making it all about appearance if the battles you fight are about appearance. Which is ironic.

My DDs are also seriously into school achievement and do a fair bit of volunteering in the community. I also encourage that. It is what you do and how you treat other people, and not how you choose to do yourself up that matters.

Wholeheartedly agree with the op

You said your DD feels pretty with it on op. That's not a "need to be pretty" that's just the novelty of wearing pretty colours on her nails that look pretty when she holds things. Shes a little girl. If she wants to dally around in your red shirt, your heels, lipstick up her face, eyeliner circled around her eye sockets nattering away on a toy phone pretending to be boss then let her. It's called creative play. Some kids like to go all out with dress up & some don't. You should love your DD regardless of how girlie she is. It'll fizzle out anyway.

I like painting my nails so naturally DS age 5 wants to paint them to. I want to sure at first due to some of the reasons you state in your first post. But thought what the heck I'm sure DS will want to as well when a bit older and I'll let him to.

But your right I was happy using adult nail polish epically as you need to used what is in effect a solvent to remove it (nail polish remover is acitone, I'd didn't used to be able to wear nail polish at work at even through groves the solvents would take it of). so I got her some of the kids stuff that peals of in the bath. No solvents required.

oops my 5 year DD that should be.

I used to very occasionally paint both dd and ds's toenails when they were about this sort of age, generally with a mix of colours as a one off fun activity (I don't really wear it much myself). So obviously I don't have a major problem with children wearing nail polish per sey. I would be unhappy if 'proper' nail painting was going on at a friends house on a regular basis, and I would be very peeved if it carried on even when I'd made it clear I didn't like it.

Make up is a feminist issue and nail varnish is make up. Many many women feel that their hands need to be looked after in a particular way, with nails shaped and painted, and if not that there is something wrong with how they are turned out. Very very few men do. I see it as part of the way that women are gulled into wasting time and money making themselves 'acceptable'.

Make up totally for fun or for acting or as part of making a statement are I think a different kettle of fish. But still not for four year old except as a one off, and I think that is a parent's call.

I have a 5 yr old daughter. I was very annoyed when her gran painted her nails when she was around 2 1/2 as at that age she had no awareness of having nails painted so hadn't asked for it to be done. I hate seeing kids under around 8 wearing nail polish. I think just the look on my face was enough for DPs mum to not do it again.

As dd got older she started asking to have her nails painted so I bought her some Hello Kitty sparkly polish that washes off. She has had her nails painted when she sleeps over at her aunts house, I don't mind enough to make an issue of it and I just remove it when she gets home, she dislikes the smell and faff of having it removed so never asks me to paint her nails with my polish's.

I don't think YABU for being annoyed at someone painting your daughters nails when you said not to. I do think that if very young girls want their nails and make up doing because they think it makes them look prettier that by the time they are 7/8 they could be wanting to go to nail bars and wear make up for parties etc which I think is wrong. But if your daughter just sees having polish or make up put on as a part of dressy up play which is what my daughter does, I would just buy some wash or peel off polish.

You should love your DD regardless of how girlie she is
That is possibly the most inane thing that has been send on this thread and it's bloody insulting. What a stupid stupid thoughtless thing to say. You think from my posts here that I love my DD less because she is occasionally 'girlie'?

FFS that takes the cake.

And DD came "top of the class" in creative play , none of which involves dressing up in adults clothing and wearing make up. She's more likely to organise an exercise class (God knows where that comes from), or make a big plane to fly off on an exotic adventure.

My pair like it because I do my nails and they just see it as doing what mummy does. They are currently sporting Black Pearl on DS toes, Cassis on DD fingernails and Kaleidescope on her toes. It will all come off as soon as they go swimming again anyway so no need for remover.

Haven't read the whole thread (too busy applying high gloss NOT), but I paint my Ds and Dd's nails now and again. She's 2 and he's 5. He's always loved it, I thought it might change when he went to school but no.

It is for fun at this stage, but I most definitely agree that it's a feminist issue.

Make up escaped my notice when I was growing up, mostly. My mother wore it, but I just wasn't bothered and she never pushed it. Not sure what that says, other than I'm an unkempt old trout now

Glitter how/why does it come off when swimming? But not in the bath so I'm guessing not waterbased polish - how does your swimming pool water takes it off? I swim lots but it's never taken any of my toenail polish off.