To not want nail polish on my 4yo!

[HipHopOpotomus]

I suspect I'm going to be told IABU but I've got to ask.

DD1 is 4. When she goes to a friends house to play she invariably comes home with nail varnish on. It seems that it's very normal for her 4yo friends to paint their nails, yes ever scarlet red, though just as often pink or purple etc. Many of her (girl) friends at nursery have painted nails all the time.

I don't like it - for lots of reasons including:

• I think it is PART of the sexualisation of young girls which as a Mum of girls concerns me greatly. It's make up, its about feeling pretty and girlie - and I feel it is inappropriate for a 4yo. 14yo sure, 9yo, perhaps gritted teeth but 4yo is too young to be starting down this road.

• the parents of her friends simply assume that it's OK. In their eyes it's harmless girlie fun I guess. This I could understand on an older child (though I still might not like it), but on a 4yo!! (I'm being a fuddy duddy??)

• DD then asks for her nails to be painted all the time. I have on occasion given in and allowed her to paint her toenails (i.e. twice in a year). I use a silver glitter polish. I'm not entirely happy about this, but I have done it. (This makes me realise that the nail painting at friends homes has been happening since she was 3 )

• I then have to use highly toxic nail polish to get the stuff off & in the meantime its all chipped etc anjd looks nasty. I really don't like rubbing polish remover all over my little girls hands &/or feet (I have pretty much let the silver nail polish on her toes chip off). Also as soon as it comes off I then get constantly pestered to paint her nails. I say no (with the 2 exceptions when I have done her toenails silver glitter before a holiday & before a dress up party)

• I object as a feminist, to young girls being encouraged to use make-up, or being subtly manipulated to feeling somehow 'special' wearing makeup. And it's clearly a 'girl' thing, to paint nails. I don't see any boys queueing up for it.

We've been to a couple of nursery/primary school fairs recently and they have nail polish stands with queues of young girls lining up - it's like face painting now. It's become the norm. I think this is sad and ghastly. Such young girls becoming mini-me's to their Mums.

I think a lot of this is about the Mum - 'dressing up' little girls. DD is NOT a living doll FFS!! She is not here to make YOU (friends Mum) feel better about yourself by "pleasing" young girls by painting them with toxic shit.

I believe in protecting and fostering childhood and childhood innocence for as long as I possibly can. Its a challenge in todays society and I really feel that this nail painting crap bites into that.

AIBU? Am I being unrealistic?

I don't know if YABU. I can see why you feel the way you do about it. The thing is though, I paint my DS's nails - we do it together so we match - toenails too

It's fun. I'm not "sexualising" am I? No. So why would I be if he were a girl?

But dont you see that the only reason she wants it all the time is because YOU WONT LET HER!

If you let her have a bottle of that stuff that washes off, she would use it daily for a few days and then lose interest. In the same way that the "must have" toy is soon found gathering dust under the bed.

Tell anyone they cant do something and thats what they want to do. Let them have it and the novelty soon wears off.

She's very cute...painted toe nails and all

Crossed post with you there OP. I didn't advise you to cut off all play dates with the other family over the issue! Also, I'm not sure why it's relevant that you didn't say anything before the first play date. You said you didn't like it after some occasion when they did it and they subsequently did it again. It is this decision by the other parent that I don't understand. Not agreeing about nail-varnish is not a deal breaker when assessing another persons ability to look after your child. But different views on respecting parents wishes would certainly make me question it. This isn't even over a small issue for you.

I also don't like it. And the stalls at school fairs make me !

I allow it on my dsd (5) but only because her Mum is happy with it. No make up on her face though - she has lip balm if she wants lipstick.

Can't understand why if it's acceptable for a boy, then not for a girl? It's just coloured and varnished nails, no biggie really.

Its only nail varnish. I've let my daughter wear it occassionally for weddings etc so she can join in with the fun. Does it really matter now and again? Does it really make someone a bad parent?

There are some things that could be seen as sexualisation. Make up on faces, high heel shoes (i don't mean playing in their mum shoes in the house), very short skirts, thongs and bras for 8 year olds. All of which are wrong on young kids.

But nail varnish is just pretty colours on nails. A bit of fun and a novelty.

Sorry but I think this is all a bit ridiculous!

sorry havent read the whole thread, got to p5 and wanted to bang my head against a wall!

seriously what is the issue, i am the same opinion it can just be a bit of fun, all 4 of my boys had their nails painted as toddlers, they saw me doing it and wanted theirs done, so they did! my 7 and 4yr olds still get theirs done, its a fun treat, generally in the summer holidays and they like it.

my dd is only 19mths and hasnt had hers painted yet, but am pretty sure at some point she will want them done and i will let her, get the nono-toxic stuff and dont fret the small stuff.

btw i am picky about the clothes my dd wears, all age appropriate and will be as she gets older, i wont put her in a little bikini! but a bit of nail polish and having fun dressing up, meh its fine.

and op if you had a boy would he be able to paint his fingernails?

I think if you have very strong views you have to make them known or you can't blame other families for doing what is generally considered fairly normal. Same if you are fervently anti TV or oven chips or something or insist on everything being made from scratch from the organic butcher. Many people agree that a little bit of many things in moderation won't hurt. So politely decline the next playdate. Your DD will miss out on the odd playdate, but (to use your terms) YOU will feel better about protecting your child's innocence and fostering an idyllic childhood, won't you?

What hettiebull said.

But OP gives some pretty mixed messages about whether this is really a big deal to her or not. Convenience of playdates trumps the fact that other parents painted her dds nails against her expressed parental wishes. Then she paints the dd's toe-nails occasionally. Then she continues in a long thread about what a problem she has with nail varnish on her little girl.
Just put a stop to it OP or accept that you're not really that bothered and let it go.

Can't understand why if it's acceptable for a boy, then not for a girl?
Grey you are witnessing the power of AIBU, as I change my view on some aspect of the issue. I haven't seen any boys wearing it - but it seems from posters here that many many do. And yes, that is effecting my views on the 'it's only colour' not 'make up' aspect of my objections.

hettie I have no intention of not allowing playdates because of this. I really didn't know that most families consider painting 4yo/3yo fingernails 'normal'. But I will say prior to future playdates that "I'd prefer it if DD doesn't have her nails painted". There are endless other ways for them to play.

Rumple to clarify I painted DD's toenails twice over a period of about 7 months, BEFORE she had her nails painted elsewhere. Further I have FT excellent childcare in place. Play dates aren't a 'convenience' for me and in fact involve some running around so I can accept the play date invitations issued by the parents of DD's friends.

I would say to all those that say IABU on the grounds that its fun & not sexualising etc etc - I hear your views on that part of it.

But what about the toxicity argument? How can you justify applying formaldehyde and numerous other poisons and known carcinogens in the form of nail varnish & remover, regularly to small children in the name of "she wants it" and "it's only fun" and "it's cute"?

Have you looked into what nail varnish and remover is actually made of? And no they aren't going to drop dead from one application, but that argument to me smacks of putting your fingers in your ears and going "la la la la". To regularly apply a known and confirmed poison to a small child, even in small doses does seem mad to me.

At the end of the day I'm just trying to make the best decision by my DD, no matter how unpopular it makes me with her, her friends or their parents (though surely they wouldn't give a stuff)?

I'll look into some of that non-toxic wash of stuff.

An outfit called Campaign for Safer Cosmetics recommends limiting children and pregnant woman's exposure to nail varnish.

EU Legislation has apparently got rid of some of the nasties in Europe Huffington Post But if your nail polish collection is as old as mine you'll have them in there.

List of non-toxic nail polish brands: Non Toxic nail polish

Allure mag article

recent question submitted to EU parliament suggests EU nail polishes aren't as non-toxic as they are ment to be

Ok we get the idea you have a bee in your Bonnet about this but as you have shown there are plenty of non toxic brands so even that isn't really an argument against painting nails occasionally.

I'm not arguing against painting nails occasionally. And I've accepted the arguments of the "it's only fun" brigade.

I take it the toxicity of nail polish isn't a concern of yours Sirzy? Or do you only use non-toxic ones? I've only just become aware of them recently.

I apply nail varnish to my DD and I don't think it's sexualisation. However, if you don't like it you are within reason to request that she doesn't have nail varnish applied on playdates. I do think you are risking falling out with people as some parents will take this as a personal criticism of their own parenting choices. Personally, I would respect your wishes if your DD was on a playdate with my mine.

Fair enough over the playdates not being a convenience, I guess I made a pre-judgement there.

No idea why it's relevant that you painted her toenails BEFORE other people painted her fingernails though.

So you obviously don't like nail varnish on your DD and you're not going to use it again. Totally fine on that one. YANBU. That's your view and you are looking out for your DD on an issue you feel matters.

But you won't actually stop other parents from painting it on her. So is it really such a big deal to you or not? Now that you've discovered the non-toxic stuff might not be all that it seems, what are you going to do about other parents applying nail varnish to your DD?

I must admit I'm pretty confused about whether you've actually raised this with the other parents or not. Earlier you said you had, but now you say "surely they wouldn't give a stuff" Have you said anything or not?

Interesting article on toxicity. I will look into buying non-toxic stuff in future.

I think I used to have nail varnish to okay with at six or so. Tbh, I put it on, couldn't see what the fuss was and stopped for thirty years! Then I didn't like the look of my toenails in sandals and started again. Think I used to play with make up a bit too. All I got from that was what a hassle it was. Dd has painted toenails at the moment. Not my instigation but definitely not the battle I wish to fight.

I dont like make up n only paint my nails every now n then when i can b bothered changing it.
My dd (8) once came home from her friends covered in glittery make up. I let her wear it that day, washed it off n that was it over & done with.
My dd asks for make up n i say no. You have made the situation worse by painting your childs nails. You should have just refused.

Frothy

"some parents will take this as a personal criticism of their own parenting choices"

You're absolutely right to predict this. I always think it's so ridiculous when some people take it as a personal attack that you don't want to do what they're doing. But it happens, even if when pressed you give totally banal reasons like, 'of it's just not my thing' or similar.

'oh'

I do think you are risking falling out with people as some parents will take this as a personal criticism of their own parenting choices.
I think you might have a point going from many of the responses here. Of course I don't feel that I need to go into details about my reasons my with DD's friends parents - unless they are really interested, which I doubt. I would hope that they would fall into the "meh, whatever" response and not take it personally.

Ok OP, I am trying very hard to see your side of this with regards to the toxicity.

I agree that the FUMES from nail varnish are unpleasant and probably harmful, but is the polish itself when dried?

If I could find a male who wore guy liner and nail varnish- I would quite happily treat him as a sex object . I realise this is not helpful.

I wore green and black nail varnish as an 11 year old- it wasn't sexual, I was a TEENAGE GOTH.