to expect GP to come to us?

[hipposaurus]

Dh and I have a 9mo son. Only one set of GP, who are very nice. However, they live 2.5 hours away and we have a small flat, so they have chosen to stay in a b&b for past visits. However, they complain that they don't see dgc enough and so we should come to them. We've tried big car journeys with ds in the past, he doesn't travel very well and we end up stopping fairly frequently to change his nappy, hold him when he cries hysterically etc. This makes any journey take about 50% longer than it would ordinarily.

We've explained this to gp and offered to help get them cheaper accommodation near us through the internet etc, but they still insist they find it too tiring to do the drive. I can't entirely understand why they find it so hard, as they do plenty of overseas holidays etc.

Aibu to expect them to do the journey to visit us rather than us to them?to me it seems a bit harsh on ds to do these long journeys, which stress him out and also his parents...

YABU... If you time it right, feed & change the baby before you set off, schedule a stop half-way etc. then it shouldn't be a major trauma. Make sure he has a comfortable, well-fitting car-seat and he may even fall asleep most of the way.

I'm a bit hmmm.

My friend has a theory - there a "can do" and "can't do" families once children are on the scene. You sound a bit "can't do".

This is fine but you need to accept that everyone else in the world might not move around to accommodate your "can't do". Sounds like the GPs are fed up being accommodating and quite frankly I can see why.

I think it's only fair that you make the effort some times to. Your DS will get used to the trips and like cogito says you have to time the trip around him and plan it well.

Why doesn't one of you sit in the back with him to comfort him/entertain him as needed?

YABU.

Travelling with a baby should not be that traumatic, and I do think you sound as if you are making it more of a faff than it needs to be.

I like your friend's theory, lurker!

My in-laws live 2 hours away by car (need to fly to see my parents) and we regularly visit and have done since DS was 2mo. It works really well. We try to combine driving with naptime.

Agree with the others, sorry.

When did you last do the journey?

Sirzy - we do the sitting in the back seat with him, it helps for a while but after an hour he always cries a lot. I wondered if he may travel better once he's in a front facing seat? He'll be big enough soon...

Do you never travel anywhere with your child then OP? I think it is bloody rude that you always expect your in laws/parents to travel to you and never go and see them. How will you ever cope with anything if you can't make a 2.5hr car journey once in a while?

I agree with your friend Lurker. My Db and Dsil expected everyone to visit them because they had 3 small children and the rest of us were childless. All fine. Then we started having babies but still had to visit them because it was easier whilst our DC were small and her DC would get bored at ours. Then her DC became teeneagers and were never at home but still we had to make the visits incase her DC decided to pop back home to see us all. Then her DC left home and still we have to visit her because she has now decided she doesn't "do" visiting other people.
OP how often do you see the GP? Maybe say 1 month they come to you and the next month you go to them? 2.5hrs in the car really isn't that bad for a 9month old, you can allow yourselves enough time to stop as often as needed. Have one of you in the back with him if that makes you feel better.

So on a 2.5 hour trip you travel an hour stop off for some fresh air/food/play and after half an hour or so get back in the car and carry on the trip.

You can't contain yourselves because he isn't keen on travelling.

YABabitU, but so are they. Each of you is expecting the other to do something you don't want to do yourselves.

How often do you see them? Could you alternate who does the journey? Or meet half way for a day/lunch/night in a hotel?

On a practical/reassuring note, how long is it since you attempted a long journey with DS? My DS is now 11 months and if I time it right (naptime or bedtime), fill him up with milk before we set off and don't stop en route, then he will sleep the 2.5 hours it takes to get to either set of GPs.

I do sympathise though, because until he was about 6 months old that wouldn't have been possible. He used to scream for the entire journey, which is no fun for anyone. I was so jealous of the babies Cogito describes that would drop off in the car and couldn't imagine DS ever managing it. Maybe, just maybe, your DS would prove you wrong if you tried again.

X post. So if you know that after an hour he will cry then schedule a break in every 45minutes. A pain but not undoable.

Two and a half hours can't really be classed as a big journey, surely?

You and the grandparents both find the drive tedious, for different reasons, so alternating between locations would be fair. Expecting them to do it every time is pretty selfish.

I say this as someone with a ten month old baby, in-laws who live three and a half hours away, and a husband who doesn't have a licence (so no chance of sharing the driving). I'd love it if the in-laws visited us every time, but I've accepted I'll be driving us there every two months or so for a visit, and they'll come to us inbetween. The journey isn't enormously enjoyable, but it's worth it for happy, engaged grandparents and grandchild.

To be fair, for some older people, driving for a few hours is a lot more tiring than taking a longer plane ride, because it's hard to concentrate and not move around for that long.

I think you should try a trip and see how it goes. Plan to stop once or twice, yes it will take longer but I think if the GPs have made several trips already then it's only fair you give it a go.

I'm not crazy about taking long trips with my DC but sometimes you kind of have to suck it up, unfortunately. 2-3 hours is not so bad really.

Op, you didn't answer, when did you last do the journey?

You say 'in the past'... so I assume you last did it some time ago, 9 months soon becomes 10 and then a year. They grow and change so fast. It might be easier now?

YADNBU.

I think that the people saying YABU haven't had a car hater.

DS was a car hater, hated the carseat, hated not being picked up, cried hysterically for most of any journey. Yes, I would time the journey for a nap with him fed and clean and he would sleep for an hour or so if we were lucky, but the rest of the journey would be screaming, often accompanied by vomiting as he was so distressed.

We stopped making unavoidable long journeys until he was about 18 months and stopped hating the car.

DD on the other hand loves the car. Same parenting, same tactics, different children.

They are the adults, and if it is too much effort for them to make the journey then it's their own fault they don't see him, isn't it? (assuming they dont have health issues etc) However, I would still try going to them every so often to show willing and give DC a chance to get over the aversion.

I also think, considering the GPs would have to stay in a B & B, it is more reasonable to go to them, than expect them to always come to you.

I did a 23 hour plane journey(s) on my own with my dd1 when she was 9 months old. 2.5 hours in a car really doesnt sound that bad.

Me and my DH live 3 hours away from our family and we have been doing that journey ever since DS was 1 week old and he is absolutely fine.

DS is 10 months old now and we are driving down next weekend to see the family.

My suggestion is to give him a feed and a nappy change before you go, We always do this with DS. It doesn't matter if that means you leave an hour later than planned it just makes it alot easier for you on the journey.

Also my DS loves music in the car, We play a disney CD and he sleeps all the way and always has done, We just feed him when we get there and he is fine.

It should be split evenly. My parents and MIL both live 2 hours drive away and complain that they don't see enough of DD, Neither drive but there is a coach which drops off less than 1 mile from my house which costs £6 if booked far enough in advance.

So we do visits every 4 - 6 weeks and if they want to see DD more they can come visit (not that they ever do).

Oh and DD doesn't travel well but we suck it up because it's not fair on her not to see her family.

I don't think two and a half hours in a car is a long journey. You just have to plan in well with lots if breaks. It will give you practice for when you have a toddler and have to stop every 20 minutes for loo breaks.

I agree that it's not fair for you to expect everyone else, especially anyone elderly to do all of the travelling.

DS wasn't used to car seats as we lived in a city, and didn't have one (wasn't used to buggies either)

He's still not keen on them at nearly 2, but has to go in one occasionally. What you need to do is time the journey around nap times, and consider bribery.

If DS is feeling unco-operative then a little cup of haribo soon sorts him out, or a cup of milk, or his favourite cars.

Towards the end of the journey (about 2 hours for us) he tends to wake up and be miffed - he seems to sense when we're 15 mins from home - and we just have to sit out the screaming until we get there.

If it's a daytime visit then sitting in the boot having snacks at a service station is a right of passage surely?

You should do your share of visiting - it's not fair to expect them to do all the running (speaking as someone in the GPs position who's had to extend a firm invitation for family to come to us instead of us going to them again)

I think a lot of people who say YABU have not had babies who are awful in cars. Babies who cry as soon as they're in their seat and then scream hysterically the whole journey. Babies who do not fall asleep in the car no matter how full on milk they are or however much it's naptime/nightime. Babies who get travel sick.

DS is awful in cars (he's nearly 10 months). We have a 2 hour journey to see MIL. We went every month but I got so fed up of having a screaming, sick baby in the car, then a miserable, unwell baby for the rest of the day followed by a screaming, sick baby on the way home Followed by an awful night as he was so unhappy/unwell.

It got a lot better when we stopped putting him in his carrycot and moved him into a proper car seat. We also put him forward facing (from 6 months) despite the "rules" because he gets so travel sick I couldn't see how going backwards would help! He is now usually ok, a bit of crying but not too bad on shorter journeys.

We also now alternate with MIL coming to us and us going to her. Which is fine in the summer but she hates traveling in the winter so I'm not sure what we'll do...

My DD is pretty good in the car so I've never minded travelling to see my parents (3 hrs) but my parents hate travelling to see us. My 3 hr journey takes them 5-6 hours because my Dad has to stop frequently due to medication making him need the toilet a lot plus my Mum won't drive with my Dad in the car! So I guess similar circumstances but in reverse.

As someone else said, hopefully as your DS gets older he'll find the journey easier and then you can suggest alternating visits.