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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect GP to come to us?

170 replies

hipposaurus · 18/07/2012 09:48

Dh and I have a 9mo son. Only one set of GP, who are very nice. However, they live 2.5 hours away and we have a small flat, so they have chosen to stay in a b&b for past visits. However, they complain that they don't see dgc enough and so we should come to them. We've tried big car journeys with ds in the past, he doesn't travel very well and we end up stopping fairly frequently to change his nappy, hold him when he cries hysterically etc. This makes any journey take about 50% longer than it would ordinarily.

We've explained this to gp and offered to help get them cheaper accommodation near us through the internet etc, but they still insist they find it too tiring to do the drive. I can't entirely understand why they find it so hard, as they do plenty of overseas holidays etc.

Aibu to expect them to do the journey to visit us rather than us to them?to me it seems a bit harsh on ds to do these long journeys, which stress him out and also his parents...

OP posts:
Quenelle · 19/07/2012 10:55

Don't worry hipposaurus. I'm sorry things are difficult for you at the moment.

You need to talk to your DH about doing more. Unless he works 18 hours a day, 7 days a week he's got to start getting up at night as well. He's being incredibly selfish at the moment. Can't he see you're struggling?

PostBellumBugsy · 19/07/2012 10:57

Oh Hippo you should have said you weren't welcome to stay the night!! If they don't want you to stay, then they can come & visit or stay with you. 5 hours in the car in one day, specially when your baby doesn't travel well & you are both knackered, sounds grim.

piratecat · 19/07/2012 10:57

i had to fly my 6 month old to visit gp's. only a two hours flight but a 3 hour car journey before that to airport.

yabu

Original poster
hipposaurus · 19/07/2012 11:01

Thanks Casserole, I keep telling dh he needs to help in the nights or at very least be around, I agree sleep deprivation is torture at times!

OP posts:
Quenelle · 19/07/2012 11:04

What does he say when you tell him?

Casserole · 19/07/2012 11:06

No. NOT "at the very least be around". He needs to do his share. This is HIS baby too and it is not right for you to do it all. You are making yourself ill.

Does he work Mon-Fri? If so then plan now that tomorrow and Sat nights he is on duty, and you are going to bed at half 8. Does your son take a bottle?

Make a plan, Hippo. Show him this thread, if needs be, but make a plan that works for and helps YOU.

I'll ring him if you like ;)

DitaVonCheese · 19/07/2012 11:06

Agree that that does change things, though I still think you could take turns and each stay in a B&B or just meet halfway.

Sorry you are struggling though and think this is a much more pressing concern. Do you get a chance to catch up on sleep at weekends, OP? I do think it's fair that working partners get to sleep during the week but he can definitely do his share at weekends and you should be getting at least one if not both (depending how bad your nights are) of the weekend morning lie-ins. You also need some child-free time to yourself - I've done this for a couple of hours a week recently and it's made an enormous difference to my mood and how I'm coping.

Casserole · 19/07/2012 11:07

(sorry for bossyness Blush )

madeindevon2 · 19/07/2012 11:07

Yabu

sheeplikessleep · 19/07/2012 11:08

Ditto what casserole said.

Blu · 19/07/2012 11:14

Oh, goodness, your DH has really learned something from his parents about not expecting to put himself out or have to adpat his life to a new baby in the family, hasn't he?

You poor thing - you do sound as if you are struggling, and it's hardly surprising.

Time for a long honest talk with your DH, I think.

Original poster
hipposaurus · 19/07/2012 11:16

Haha Casserole your post made me giggle, you are very welcome to ring dh ;)

He works Monday to Friday but is often busy doing diy etc at the weekend. He used to take ds for an hour on a sat and sunday, which was a lovely break for me :) he said he will again from this weekend. I think he just doesnt understand how tiring looking after a baby day and night can be, though i do love ds.

Ds doesnt take a bottle, refuses to from me as hes bf, and dh stopped finding the time for expressed milk feeding a few months ago. I asked dh to soothe ds in the night last week but ds became distraught as he was expecting me and isnt used to dh looking after him.

You're right, once I have more support with ds the trips will seem much easier.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 19/07/2012 11:17

OK, so this isn't s drip feed, more "straw that broke the camel's back" - your DH sounds like the product of his parents alright - wanting just the nice bits.

Tell DH you need sleep (cry a lot) that you will go to the spare room and he can do the night wakings (with the baby monitor volume up as high as it will go so he will wake up) tomorrow night and Saturday night so you can catch up.

Tell your PIL that 5 hours driving in one day is too much, you might come to stay for a weekend if they invite you to stay, but you can't do it for a day for now. If they want to see your DS, they are welcome to drive down for the day. Obviously you don't have room for guests like they do so if they also think it's too much driving for a day, they can book a hotel. If they don't want to do that, it's a shame, you're sure when DS is a little older and sleeping through you can come to visit as you understand they don't want you there when he's not.

Really, your PIL need to realise they don't get to have everything their own way. They do'nt want you to stay, you won't stay, that doesn't mean they can insist you drive for hours so they can have a couple of hours of cuddles. If they want a relationship with their DGC, they will have to put a bit of effort in, either driving or accepting their DCG into their home.

DontmindifIdo · 19/07/2012 11:19

Oh, and seeing that DS won't take a bottle, perhaps if your DH tries first and then and only then if he can't get your DS back to sleep, he brings him to you. Not just an hour, a full night's sleep. Your DS will never magically learn to settle with Daddy unless Daddy tries.

dreamingbohemian · 19/07/2012 11:28

Oh my word, this changes everything!!

Do NOT force yourself to make that trip, not on top of everything else, and not if your DH is being... well, sorry to be blunt, but he's being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. He's going to take DS for a whole hour, well whooptydo! What you need is some proper sleep, he should do all the night wakings on the weekends and use expressed milk if you have it. DS will cry at first if he's not used to it but he will come around and it's very important that your DH be able to take care of him equally, I mean what happens if you get sick or have to go away for a bit?

Put your foot down woman! Sorry to be bossy as well Smile but your DH needs a kick in the arse.

saintlyjimjams · 19/07/2012 11:31

Tbh dh never did the night stuff - I was breast feeding and it was easier for me to do it. I quite liked having the bed to me and the babies. If breast feeding I would take the baby into bed with you and doze rather than completely wake up during the night.

diddl · 19/07/2012 11:38

Well my husband never did much in the night either as he needed to get up for work & I could rest/sleep in the day with baby.

But he did do bath/bed & it wasn´t unknown for me to go to bed as soon as he got in at 7 & stay there until 7 the next morning.

babyboomersrock · 19/07/2012 11:54

I've just read the whole thread, OP. No wonder you're reluctant to go to the GPs. They sound utterly self-centred; the sort of grandparent who wants the superficial contact (to let the neighbours see the family visits them?) but none of the inconvenience.

We're older than your inlaws (65), and we mind our lovely 17-month-old grandson for 19 hours a week. Sometimes we have him overnight to let his mummy and daddy have a break at weekends - we do have a broken night occasionally, but he's a baby, and that happens. I can't see that having your grandson to stay - with his parents, and not in the same room as you - is such a huge problem. 62 is young - I assume if they're fit to go on holiday, they're fit to travel by car too.

They - and your husband - are being thoughtless. The only way your little boy is going to get used to his daddy taking charge is if he actually does some of the child care...and not with the attitude that he's somehow helping you out, either.

Do you have RL friends with children? Why does your husband think that the occasional hour with his son "to give you a break" is a reasonable level of involvement? My son comes home from his job every night and automatically takes over; feeding, entertaining and bathing his child. They organise the baby's day so that he has two naps, and is awake till 7.30, in order that his daddy spends time with him.

My daughter-in-law works part-time, but they share housework, cooking and child care, including getting up in the night. When my grandson was still breast-fed, his daddy got him up, did the nappy changes, and helped settle him afterwards. That's normal.

If your son hated the journey, but you had such a warm welcome and lovely stay when you arrived, you'd think it was worth the hassle. As it is, I'd be opting to stay home too.

Quenelle · 19/07/2012 12:01

There are plenty of ways your DH can help you. He can start 'finding the time' for expressed milk feeds for a start. Tell him about all the things you have to 'find the time' for, every day and every night.

My boy wouldn't take a bottle but DH would often go and see if he could settle him in the night. If he wouldn't settle he brought him to me for a feed then took him back to his cot, or DS stayed in with us, so I didn't have to wake up too much.

Please don't accept the status quo hipposaurus, especially if you're struggling with PND and lack of sleep. It doesn't have to be like this. Read babyboomersrock's post for an idea of how it could and should be.

sheeplikessleep · 19/07/2012 12:04

Unless the 'we don't want to be disturbed' thing is a red herring OP and they actually just have a very noisy, nightly sex life Wink

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2012 12:25

ds wouldn't take a bottle (of formula or later cows milk - couldn't see the point of expressing to feed a child who is BF 99% of the time) from me EVER. DP or indeed anyone else? No problem (as long as I wasn't there).

And if you're strongly averse to giving him milk that isn't breast milk, it won't be long before your baby will be able to go for a fair few hours without any at all (water to drink, actual food to eat). It would probably be OK now tbh - but it was many moons ago for me so I might be misremembering.

Your baby's father needs to pull his finger out. DIY my arse.

Casserole · 19/07/2012 13:12

Get him used to a bottle. Water, EBF or even formula. either you do it or his Daddy does. Try at a time other than nighttime, when it's not as high stakes. if you can't get that sorted in time for this weekend, then your husband needs to take him out for a couple of hours after a feed so you can REST.

All of the above are much better for him than a Mummy who is exhausted, low and struggling with PND. Promise.

You say there's only one set of GPs so am guessing your side of the family aren't around to help out. Do you have any other support / community? Do you have other friends in the same boat?

If not, and you fancy a coffee, let us know where you are. There'll be someone nearby. Hopefully me Grin

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2012 13:26

Thinking about it, he doesn't need to get used to a bottle at all. Don't they start using sippy cups at about 9 months?

A beaker for water and a packed lunch is all his father would need to feed him, once he gets his arse in gear and takes him out for the day.

Casserole · 19/07/2012 13:28

Good point Jenai :)

cestlavielife · 19/07/2012 14:16

at nine months old he can certainly go most of the day wihtout breast milk (tho you may be sore il your body adjusts) cut the day time feeding out so he has water during day from a cup and on weekends have your dh take him out for five or six hours so you can rest.

one hour here and there is ridiculous .