to expect GP to come to us?

[hipposaurus]

Dh and I have a 9mo son. Only one set of GP, who are very nice. However, they live 2.5 hours away and we have a small flat, so they have chosen to stay in a b&b for past visits. However, they complain that they don't see dgc enough and so we should come to them. We've tried big car journeys with ds in the past, he doesn't travel very well and we end up stopping fairly frequently to change his nappy, hold him when he cries hysterically etc. This makes any journey take about 50% longer than it would ordinarily.

We've explained this to gp and offered to help get them cheaper accommodation near us through the internet etc, but they still insist they find it too tiring to do the drive. I can't entirely understand why they find it so hard, as they do plenty of overseas holidays etc.

Aibu to expect them to do the journey to visit us rather than us to them?to me it seems a bit harsh on ds to do these long journeys, which stress him out and also his parents...

"dh has yet to ever bath or put ds to bed 2

his neds to change.
leave bath time for dh to do half he week at least.
sounds like your dh is very hands off - this is not a good way foward.

quite soon you might find he starts going for long naps - my ds manages 2-3 hours some days (1 nap per day) so if it were me doing that journey we would have lunch and change and then he'd nap pretty much all the way there. So it might not be ok right now but a couple of months in his little life sees big changes....

ps in the meantime if gp do come to you then pay for their accomodation - as you are saving on petrol?

ps I feel your pain re sleep - ds is 18mths and still not sttn - he is bf still too

And don't be embarrassed about struggling a bit. Some people are blessed with perfect babies but almost everyone struggles in the first year, unfortunately for some reason a lot of people don't like to admit it and so we all go around thinking we're the only ones struggling, which just makes us feel worse.

And anyway, thinking of it in terms of you struggling is just distracting from the point that it's your husband who is really at fault here, for not doing his fair share.

It sounds like you are responsible for your child virtually 24/7. Nobody is meant to be on call 24 hours a day, it will break anyone. So please do get your husband to step up, it will help so much.

pps (should really read whole threads!) the gp are rediculous for wanting yiu to come and not stay - also if you do go over and stay elsewhere then maybe consider an apartment rather than hotel?

at not being invited to stay.

YANBU OP, sorry!

Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? You have to start acting like DH and PIL. Stop letting them tell you what is convenient for them and don't you just cover everything else. Use the wonderful MN expression, "that doesn't work for me" and, dare I say it... No is a complete sentence.

PIL can't be woken at night, great. DS won't be visiting until he doesn't wake in the night. DH needs a full night's sleep, fine. You get a proper lie in and break on the weekend. Compromise doesn't mean you so what they want, it means they get something, you get something. You can tell your DH from me, I do all the overnights, DH does all the early mornings. And a lot are 5.30am. That is a compromise.

Poor you!

You say you have PND, which is an illness, so please put yourself first a little bit more. It's important for you to get well. Think about what you need and ask your husband for help.

It sounds as if you are a lovely mother who wants to do the best for her baby. Try not to worry about the gps. They are so unimportant when put next to your own mental health and happiness right now.

In time you will work out a fairer way of keeping in contact with them, and in time your baby will get used to travelling.

One thing I always found about small children is that things change so quickly, and they do get better!

I think it should be give and take but my son was very car sick from just over a year, violently car sick (still is now, age 19) perhaps ask your dr if there is anything you could give him, it could be travel makes him feel horrid

Meet half way in between? For the day only.

Agree meeting halfway seems sensible. Find a family friendly pub to meet for lunch and a walk. We've done that with relatives.

Thanks again for all the comments and suggestions, we are going to try the trip again and see if ds finds it any easier. I will definitely assert myself with dh and pił more though, I think both are keen for all the fun parts of looking after ds, but not the tricky parts.

I will look into the option of the train too, as perhaps ds will find the motion easier. I like the suggestion that for the moment we should try to do the trip to visit gp quarterly and if gp would like to see ds more often then they are welcome to visit us.

Oops typo, that should say PIL.

Casserole - I do have some other mums I meet with, I'm in south London in case you're local...you sound like a great friend :)

Yes, do assert yourself more. It's great you're willing to try the trip again but your husband needs to step up and do his fair share. I can't believe he won't give his wife with PND more of a break.

Take care of yourself and good luck

I used to do a 3 bus hour n a half journey with DS in his buggy to visit my sister until 6 weeks ago when she moved close she done the journey with her DD as well. It would be unfair to have it all one way.

Doing a 5 hour round trip in 1 day is worse than that though. I wouldn't do it at all.

I think it also depends on the route tbh.

My husband would happily do a 5hr round trip on good roads-but I know that there are other factors here.

Finding the balance can be hard.

My parents would come over every week, spend the day, see husband for an hr or so when he got in.

ILs wanted once a week also, but didn´t want to come in the week & just see their son for an hr or so.

Husband didn´t want to give up every Saturday or Sunday to them-so they came less-they would never come in the week also when it was just me & the children.

Husband lost a lot of respect for them over it as he couldn´t see how they wouldn´t take every opportunity to see their only GC.

He was insulted that they thought so little of me & his children that they would only see us with him.

Flipping hell! 9 months and DH hasn't done a single bathtime? WTF?

He needs to pull his finger out! My DS is 11mo and, like yours, still feeds regularly through the night and screams if DP goes to him overnight, BUT... DP does everything else he possibly can - bathtime every night, gives me a lie in every Saturday and Sunday, gets DS dressed each morning before nursery... Seriously, you need to Have Words with DH.

Well tbh, I didn't think you were BU to begin with. It's all very well people saying 'ah, old people, long car journeys hurt their joints, scare them' etc etc. Well what about a poor little immobile 9 month, they might get sore or uncomfortable on a long car journey and there's fa they can do about it, just have to get used to it.

And the fact that the baby is BF is significant, formula sedates a baby, breast milk doesn't (I've done both btw). So it's all very well saying, give it a bottle, baby will sleep, can't need feeding that much. A BF baby is more alert and needs feeding more frequently.