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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect GP to come to us?

170 replies

hipposaurus · 18/07/2012 09:48

Dh and I have a 9mo son. Only one set of GP, who are very nice. However, they live 2.5 hours away and we have a small flat, so they have chosen to stay in a b&b for past visits. However, they complain that they don't see dgc enough and so we should come to them. We've tried big car journeys with ds in the past, he doesn't travel very well and we end up stopping fairly frequently to change his nappy, hold him when he cries hysterically etc. This makes any journey take about 50% longer than it would ordinarily.

We've explained this to gp and offered to help get them cheaper accommodation near us through the internet etc, but they still insist they find it too tiring to do the drive. I can't entirely understand why they find it so hard, as they do plenty of overseas holidays etc.

Aibu to expect them to do the journey to visit us rather than us to them?to me it seems a bit harsh on ds to do these long journeys, which stress him out and also his parents...

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 19/07/2012 08:58

If he's that bad you should really try and desensitise him to the car - lots of short journeys extending the time until he can cope. A baby who won't go in a car is a pita - and you don't want to still be unable to travel two hours down the road in five years time.

Even if bad you still have to do it sometimes. We're going to have to drive from Devon to northern ireland next year via Glasgow. Last time we did it ds1 screamed from Birmingham to Glasgow (on the way back not so bad - birmingham to bristol). He was 12 at the time (and severely autistic) so it was pretty awful - especially for ds2 and ds3 who were sat next to him. We still have to do it because he wants to see his extended family and they want to see him. Loud music and a sense of humour helps.

sheeplikessleep · 19/07/2012 09:11

Agree with whois - the GPs won't let you stay because the baby disturbs them at night? That would annoy me.

saintlyjimjams · 19/07/2012 09:14

Oh yes the not letting you stay because the baby might disturb them is bonkers but tbh both you and them sound a bit as if you're making mountains out of molehills. God help you if you have more than one (I mean that in the nicest possible way).

GooseRocks · 19/07/2012 09:17

YABU about the travelling but, frankly, I wouldn't be rushing to visit the GP's if they were unwilling to let us stay overnight.

diddl · 19/07/2012 09:19

How old are the ILs?

Perhaps they feel it would just be too much to have you all there?

littlemissbroody26 · 19/07/2012 09:20

If you are not welcome to stay I'd never ever go.. they don't want their own grandchild in their house? Shock

It sounds a little to me like they know they are supposed to want to see the baby but don't want to put any of the effort into seeing the baby, like driving and having you stay over night. I'd leae it compleatly up to them at least till the baby is older.

diddl · 19/07/2012 09:22

OP-are there no friends nearby who you could stay with?

We always stayed with my parents as ILs don´t have the room.

But I can imagine them being up early & bustling about so that everyone else would get up & it not being enjoyable.

Quenelle · 19/07/2012 09:36

I think you would have had different replies if you had mentioned in your OP that the GPs won't let you stay at theirs. I wouldn't travel all that way there and back in one day if they had room to put us up, with or without a baby.

They want to see your DS more often, but not to the extent that there may be the slightest chance they would be disturbed by your DS waking in the night. It's not that likely. He wouldn't be in their bedroom would he?

There's not much to discuss with them really is there? Next time they complain they don't see enough of DS, tell them you'll be happy to visit as soon as they're willing to let you stay over. Or they can come to yours and stay at the B&B.

valiumredhead · 19/07/2012 09:39

Didn't realise they won't let you stay - I wouldn't bother then tbh, that's mad!

diddl · 19/07/2012 09:40

They sound like my ILs in that respect-want it all but at no inconvenience to themselves.

Tell them you won´t be coming until he´s older & won´t disturb them in the night!

trixymalixy · 19/07/2012 09:42

FFS, I hate when there's drip feeding like that!!

Even so you should still be taking it in turns, after all there's still only one room in a B&B needed either way.

diddl · 19/07/2012 09:46

It does put a different light on things, doesn´t it?

Because if the ILs find the drive tiring, you´d think that they might understand that OP & her husband, with a youngster do to?.

And that they would offer up space to make it easier.

It´s a compromise, isn´t it-if you do the drive, we´ll put you up?

littlemissbroody26 · 19/07/2012 09:50

62 isn't even that old!

mumto2andnomore · 19/07/2012 09:51

Would have been nice if you had mentioned the not staying overnight thing before !

Blu · 19/07/2012 09:54

Ah - the info of not being able to stay the night is CRUCIAL.

No, I would be unwilling to drive that distance twice in one day when specifically not invited to stay in theri house, and think they are being very unreasonable in not having you to stay for the weekend. Quite shocked in them wanting to see thier grandchild but not prepared to put up with a baby in their house.

Your new, and rather important, information makes me think that this issue goes beyond travelling.

2rebecca · 19/07/2012 10:00

Our relatives are all several hours away and when the kids were young it was 50:50 us travelling to the re them travelling to us. They had big enough houses for us to stay in though, although ours was small and they would sometimes bring a caravan or b&b.
If the kids cried in the car then they cried. They soon realised crying doesn't get you there any faster and stopped. Music helped sooth them and drown out the crying. If straight roads I'd sit in the back and entertain them (get travel sick on windy roads).
I wouldn't have chosen to stay at a b&b for visits when they were young though so if relatives couldn't accommodate us then we didn't go and they came to us.
They sound not that bothered as 2 1/2 hours isn't far for able bodied adults to travel.

trixymalixy · 19/07/2012 10:07

Oh and classical music worked wonders for soothing my two in the car when they were babies.

JollyHockeyStick · 19/07/2012 10:10

Can you explain why you need to stop so much? Does your Ds poo every time he goes in the car? If not then surely he can go 1.5 hours without a nappy change.

I live 1 hour from my parents and we have made the journey at least once a week since Ds was born. I can count on one hand the number of times I have required to stop.

Maybe you are travelling at the wrong time? Does your Ds have regular nap times? If I possibly can, I leave at the usual start of a nap time so Ds will sleep in the car. If not, I make sure he has plenty of toys and that he is not hungry.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 19/07/2012 10:13

The not staying the night does put a different complexion on things. If the journey is hard, surely they realise doing it twice in one day is enough of a reason to never want to go. ILs live 2hrs from us as well and rarely come to us, but we love to go to them, because we get 5 star treatment and their whole place is equipped and baby friendly and they try to help out with DD so we can go out a bit without her or maybe get a lie-in. We've been making the trip since she was 3 weeks old. Yours ILs don't sound welcoming at all.

sheeplikessleep · 19/07/2012 10:15

DS2 would never sleep in the car. He screamed, after about 5 minutes being in the car. Torture. Every time I stopped and cuddled him, he stopped crying. He wasn't hungry or dirty nappied, he just wanted attention.

At 9 months, when he went into the next car seat up, he started to do longer and longer journeys and would be quite happy sat there.

For all of those posters who are asking why the need to stop, some babies just appear to absolutely HATE being in a car seat. I never would have believed it really, as DS1 loved his. DS2 was another matter.

The frustration at hearing your baby scream and scream and the only thing that stops the screaming is to stop the car is horrid. As soon as the car starts again, cue the screaming.

For this reason, I didn't really do more than half hour journeys whilst DS2 was a baby. I think this hugely depends on the baby.

LoonyRationalist · 19/07/2012 10:28

So why didn't you mention that they expect you to do there and back in one day in your op?

Before DS was born did you stay with them? Did they visit you?

Original poster
hipposaurus · 19/07/2012 10:43

Sheep - ds is similar, though he will usually do an hour before the constant crying starts. This is the main reason for lots of stops. Ds also seems to do a dirty nappy whenever he's in the car for long, so that's a reason for stopping too.

Gp have quite a big house, three bedrooms and two bathrooms. But they sleep lightly so dh may disturb then.

Sorry for the drip feeding. The responses yesterday surprised me a bit tbh. I'm a bit embarrassed to say I have been struggling a bit with ds and so the prospect of long journeys and hotels all seems really hard, dh has yet to ever bath or put ds to bed and I'm also a bit embarrassed to say that dh has yet to get up in the night to help with ds, he sleeps in another room so he can get a full nights sleep for work. So I'm on nine months of broken sleep and very little help with ds, PND as well, so travelling would really increase the pressure Im feeling.

Sorry again for drip feeding, thanks for the responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
hipposaurus · 19/07/2012 10:44

Sorry, typo, i meant ds may disturb gp, not dh! Oops!

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 19/07/2012 10:47

you should have said in your original post that you cant stay, its very relevant and makes things totally different, if its true then yanbu its not fair for a young child to be in the car for 5 hours in a day

however it is a good idea to get your ds used to the car and longer journeys, its so limiting to not be able travel far

Casserole · 19/07/2012 10:53

Right, THAT is ridiculous. Things need to change and YOU need to put your foot down.

Fair enough if your DH needs a good night's sleep for work. But then on Friday and Saturday nights he can do the nights. You go to bed at half eight and catch up for the week.

Seriously. Make it happen, for your own mental and physical health. Sleep deprivation is a fucking killer and it will be very hard to beat your PND while you're struggling on like this.

Fuck the GPs for a bit if that's how things are. I assume they are your inlaws? Tell your husband until he's helping more at night you are too tired and overwhelmed to do any overnight trips elsewhere. And do a bit of sleep training, too, if you haven't already.

Prioritise THIS. Prioritise your sleep. I promise you after a couple of weeks of more sleep, everything else will start to lift and seem a bit more doable.