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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect GP to come to us?

170 replies

hipposaurus · 18/07/2012 09:48

Dh and I have a 9mo son. Only one set of GP, who are very nice. However, they live 2.5 hours away and we have a small flat, so they have chosen to stay in a b&b for past visits. However, they complain that they don't see dgc enough and so we should come to them. We've tried big car journeys with ds in the past, he doesn't travel very well and we end up stopping fairly frequently to change his nappy, hold him when he cries hysterically etc. This makes any journey take about 50% longer than it would ordinarily.

We've explained this to gp and offered to help get them cheaper accommodation near us through the internet etc, but they still insist they find it too tiring to do the drive. I can't entirely understand why they find it so hard, as they do plenty of overseas holidays etc.

Aibu to expect them to do the journey to visit us rather than us to them?to me it seems a bit harsh on ds to do these long journeys, which stress him out and also his parents...

OP posts:
Original poster
hipposaurus · 18/07/2012 10:18

Thanks for the suggestions. We tried an hour and a half last week which took 2.5 hours due to stops.

OP posts:
LoonyRationalist · 18/07/2012 10:18

I agree YABU. Some people have no option but to travel with their children and they manage.

You shouldn't be letting a 9 month old rule the world like this. If your DS never does long journeys then it stands to reason that he won't like them.

Time your travelling to nap times (or even bed time on the way home) Make a stop (or several) if your DS requires it

50/50 is what we do with my PIL, they come to us then we go to them on an approximate 6 week rotation. This is only fair. Also have you considered that as well as hotel cost they also have fuel costs - likely to be upwards of £35 per visit.

Finally if you still can't do the car you will have to think about visiting by train.

I also like Lurker's friends can do/can't do parents. For some people having a child seems to be a good excuse to not do things they didn't want to anyway.

LoonyRationalist · 18/07/2012 10:20

"We tried an hour and a half last week which took 2.5 hours due to stops."

You sound like you need to adjust your expectations. Yes the journey to GP's may be slower now, just like going shopping with a baby in tow takes longer, and the housework takes longer. This is the way it is!!

ElephantsCanRemember · 18/07/2012 10:22

2.5hours including an hours worth of breaks with a 9 month old is quite good imo.

mumto2andnomore · 18/07/2012 10:22

I can understand why they want you to go and stay with them, to wake up in the same house as the baby etc rather than being in a b and b . Much more family time . And 2 and a half hours isn't a long way really

Lueji · 18/07/2012 10:22

It doesn't really matter if the baby is awful or not in the car.
I wouldn't take a small baby regularly in long car journeys.

Why don't you use a webcam so that they can see him more regularly?

If they want to see their grandson, they should travel, really.

How regular do they want it?

I'd be prepared to do such journey at most every 3 months possibly. Anything else, they should.

Besides, he won't get much from grandparents visits at this age,

Things change quickly, though. He will soon be better in the car and enjoy the visits more too.

Ormiriathomimus · 18/07/2012 10:23

YABU. If they are elderly driving any distance can be exhausting. And I imagine it seems a bit daft for them to have to pay for a B&B when they have a house that can accomodate you all. I think you just have to gird your loins and get on with it as long as they also make the effort half the time.

Dprince · 18/07/2012 10:24

Surely it should be split. You visit them sometimes, they visit you sometimes.
Its unfair for anyone to expect to do all the journeys. I would have thought that when you have done the journey a couple of times they will visit you.
Ds hates the car, its about planning.

Sirzy · 18/07/2012 10:24

When you have children everything takes longer, you just need to accept that and plan around it. If the travel takes 2.5 hours plan on the trip taking 4 hours.

I have a 6 hour drive planned with DS who is 2.8 but i fully expect it to take 10 hours for the whole trip damn potty training!

DitaVonCheese · 18/07/2012 10:24

YABU. Take turns, surely?

PostBellumBugsy · 18/07/2012 10:25

You have to do it everynow & then & so do GPs. Having a baby who hates being in the car is rough - but you can't not ever go on a longish car journey again. You just have to manage it as best you can. Explain to them it is awful & try and do alternate visits.

Bartusmaeus · 18/07/2012 10:26

I would try to alternate visits if you can. Try a forward-facing seat too.

But in my experience that a baby who is ill in the car is not a happy baby for the rest of the day and that can also create problems with the people you're visiting. MIL was so excited to see DS and so disappointed when he spent the day unhappy and unwell.

She has said how much nicer it is to see us at ours as DS is relaxed and happy and smiley and she can enjoy her time with him much more.

Could you offer to chip in for petrol and the B&B? It is a bit off for one side to be making all the effort and paying for it!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 18/07/2012 10:27

I'm with you Bartus - I get [jealous] of people with babies who have always loved the car, because DS used to hate it so much. Keep trying though, because if yours is anything like mine he will get better at it eventually.

OP - what were you stopping for? If it's crying then I understand completely, but I don't get why you would need to change nappies/feed etc on a 90 min journey (unless there was a giant poo to factor in!)

How about trying regular shorter journeys to get him used to the car and then trying one of the longer ones at bedtime? Also, and I'm sure you've tried this, music he likes and a steady flow of toys? I keep a box of toys on the passenger seat next to me when I drive DS to his GPs and every time he drops one I pass another back.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 18/07/2012 10:28

I think YABU. There are plenty of service stations these days, it's totally normal for families to have to break up journeys into shorter distances - it's not a reason not to do it.

If you both find the journey difficult you should take turns.

Looking for cheaper accomodation for them wasn't a very generous offer either IMO, you should have offered to pay.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 18/07/2012 10:28

smiley fail! Envy

ElephantsCanRemember · 18/07/2012 10:30

My DD hated long car journeys. But she had to do them. a 40mile trip that should have taken an hour would end up taking 2hours. But she had to come in order for DS to see his dad. Stop regularly, give them age appropriate food/toys to keep them distracted and they will soon get used to it.

Interviewterror · 18/07/2012 10:31

if you tried in the past how much in the past? He's 9 months old now and may be able to last for longer periods in the car.

Do you have a reclining car seat so he can nap some of the way? we also used a portable DVD player with Baby Enstien DVD's in the car when ds was younger and they kept him entertained.

Try not to get stressed during the journey, we used to do this when ds first came along. We were so focussed on getting there the journey was a nightmare. Leave earlier if you can and accept beforehand its okay to make 2-3 stops and its okay if it takes 50% longer. Is there anywhere enroute that would be nice to stop at for a couple of hours?

It can be done if you want to........

SoupDragon · 18/07/2012 10:32

Sorry, I think YABU.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/07/2012 10:32

How about going on the train?...

DeliaRose · 18/07/2012 10:32

YABU - I imagine the GP probably would like their DG to spend some time at their house. As he gets older you'll probably find that your DS does too.

That's certainly the case for us. My PIL live a 5hour journey away and we have 3 DS 6, 3 and 1 yo. Last time it took us 6 and a half hours. It's a PITA, but so are a lot of things with children (like being woken 16 times a night Hmm) but it is what it is.

SoupDragon · 18/07/2012 10:34

Are you stopping at the first sign of a whimper? I can't imagine having to stop and change a nappy that many times in a 2.5hr journey.

Quenelle · 18/07/2012 10:35

YABU What should have been a 2.5 hour journey to see our best friends when our son was about six months old ended up being a 5 hour journey because of feed stops and traffic jams.

It was hell. DS slept for the first 1.5 hours and was awake for the rest. Every time the car was stationary he screamed his head off. No good when you're trying to circumnavigate Bath in Friday evening rush hour Sad.

But we never stopped going to visit them because you have to, or you turn into Lurker's can't do parents.

People will understand if your baby is very car sick, but otherwise you have to make the effort, or they will stop making the effort themselves after a while.

LeggyBlondeNE · 18/07/2012 10:37

My now-23mo was terrible in the car when small - couldn't go more than 10 minutes without a screaming fit, it was incredibly stressful and I basically avoided car journeys until she was about 10mo. Then I had to drive to an airport nearly 2 hours away and ... she slept! So we now do longer drives at bedtime and transfer her straight into the travel cot at the other end.

If your baby will fall asleep in the car, bedtime drives are probably your best bet.

If he won't and he's still terrible in the car, then take the train.

I agree that until you've had a child who didn't do well in cars, you can't understand the stress involved in trying to get anywhere.

Blu · 18/07/2012 10:37

Travel during his sleep time. Maybe after his bed time.

DS was a dreadful traveller, but the more you do it the more you get used to it. You need your freedom and flexibility, and of course the GPs would like to see you in theri hime - much more of a relaxed way to spend tme with a gc than in a B&B.

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 18/07/2012 10:40

I had a "car hater" too...she screamed hysterically but we still went on journeys! You can't not go anywhere bcause your DC is a bad traveller.

DD is amost 8 now and she STILL hates the car. For what it's worth so do I. YABU.