to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

squeakytoy - I don't think attachment disorders are fixed quite that easily

Agree with whoever suggested the special needs board and the adoption board. The best support is from people who have shared some of the difficulties (whether adopting, or challenging behaviours).

I really feel for you and your daughter.

If she is to be accepted then she has to behave in a way others find acceptable. That is not to say that the behaviour of this group of spiteful parents is acceptable. But what it has done is let you know early on that your lovely daughter is not behaving in a way that they or their children find acceptable. Supporting her to achieve this is the way forward.

Do you have any psychological or other support? Does she have a statement of special educational needs? Speak to the head or your GP or any local group to find out what is available. But I think that any child behaving in a way which causes her to be ostracised in this way deserves help and support. You will probably have to fight for it but don't let that stop you. Her happy face when she starts to get it right will be more than enough.

I'm so sorry you are both going through this. But, with help, she can change her behaviour which will make her happier - and you:)

squeaky - it's really not that simple with adopted children. Even without a DX of AD, many have behaviour issues. You're coming across as a bit ignorant tbh

greenblue as posters on here with have the advantage of knowing that, and of course you have to sympathise with the awful things which this poor girl has gone through. However were you a parent in a situation where you children were constantly being upset by a child and you had no reason to suspect that child had been through such issues you too might find it difficult to excuse when seeing a responsible caring parent (like OP clearly is) and still finding problems. How can those parents be sympathetic towards this child's background when they have no clue of it. My freind adopted DDs had awful background issues, awful, and her descision was not to tell all the grisly details, butt o make it know they had issues related to thier removal from thier biological parents. Clearly not everyone will want to share this info, but you must accept if you don't wish to share it others will find it much more difficult to help you, support you, and be generally understanding. In fact they could well be from concern for the child's well being trying to piece together why the child is acting as they are.

There is generally no smoke without fire. For two incidents to be reported to teacher that would leave a lot which were unreported by the law of averages. Many kids do often tend not to run telling tales until it becomes a big problem that is happening again and again, and often the less assertive kids will say nothing at all. One of the issues my freind's adopted DDs had was knowing where thier emotional boundaries were with freindships and everything. If someone was nice them they could often utterly latch onto that person (be it adult or child) which I can attest was very difficult to deal with at times, and then if their adoration was not reciprocated they could get very angry and unkind towards this person. Who may have done nohting worse than wanting to play with someone else that day. 7 year olds are not great at controlling thier emotions at the best of times and do need management and guidance. It sounds like your DD needs more guidance OP, and you need to decide how you can get some of these other parents on side. Perhaps nurturing some relationships your self with some of the other parents in the class so they might be more likely to talk to you rather than gossip.

I really hope it all works out for you.

I'm pretty shocked by the hostility being shown to the OP now. All this focus on the fact that as a throwaway phrase she used 'little darlings' and bugger all attention being paid to the fact that this woman and her incredibly vulnerable dd are being badly treated by other parents. Have you all (or most of you) had some sort of compassion bypass as a pre holiday treat?
You've nagged and nagged to get her to say what the child had 'done' and now she's told you, folks are casting doubt on her story and saying the child isn't middle class enough for the school . I have three children. I know at points you'll not be crazy about some of their classmates but part of being a grown up is just breathing through that. The OP's child is 7. That's really quite little still. She can't be trusted to cross a road safely alone - no 7 yr old can. And yet it's ok to bitch about her and try and bully her mother? This is sickening.

It is hard if this sort of thing is outside the experience of the average person, but as others have said, it's not easy to work out effective support or easy solutions.
I've taught children that have been abused in a number of ways, they have self-harmed, had offensive language, been destructive of objects and other people's possessions...and a hundred other ways of expressing and responding to the damage that has been done to them.
The majority of adult responses seem to be either wanting the child to disappear, don't care where to but not here, or demonising them.
There are also those well-intentioned but inexperienced people who rush up and offer a virtual plaster whilst you are trying to contain the metaphorical arterial spurting and get puzzled or huffy if you reject it.

squeaky - a child who, at 7, could process bad behaviour to someone = less/no party invites weeks/months down the line, wouldn't have social skills related SN in the first place!

I daresay there are many more incidents that have not been reported to me. I have been asking for assessment and support for my dd for over a year and the school are only finally acting after these complaints. For those who don't understand attachment disorders (there are various) and the problems adopted children may have - I am at a loss to understand it all myself. I am muddling through. I am no expert and having consulted GP, paediatrician, psychiatrist, ed psych, behaviour support team, etc.... nobody else in my area is either!

I'm not suggesting for one minute that the child in question should 'just get over it' but she has to be helped to adapt her behaviour and yes to some degree, at some point develop strategies to overcome the obstacles that she has been presented with.
This has to happen sooner rather than later, or else bad behaviour remaining unsanctioned just continues and in most cases escalates.
I'm not unsympathetic towards the Op's daughter, and I do feel compassion, but my goodness we all want to protect our children don't we?
Are we supposed to sit back, grin and bear it if our children are being thumped by another child just because that is something they have experienced. I think not.

'Little darlings' didn't strike me as a throw away phrase.

Does your local authority have CAMHS? Our local CAMHS man is lovely and helps several children at my school, 2 with attachment disorders. Referrals are made either via the school or GP (more successful).

I really feel for you - sorry thereslovely

marriedinwhite.

At least OP you know what you're up against.

The 2 incidents are not big enough to warrant exclusion like this. Is it possible that the other parents have picked up on your discomfort? You do sound a bit intimidated/ dismissive of them? I would imagine that atm you feel really aggrieved and when something a little similar happened to my dd I really hated the other parents. But in my experience cliquish behaviour like this is managed by the parents, not the children in Primary School. So you need to go on a real charm offensive. Be at the school gates as much as possible, smile, ask questions, get involved.

Good luck!

OP has also mentioned that this is a village school, which has it's benefits and it's difficulties. Our last school in the UK was a village school, no chance of moving to another class as it was a small school, everyone knows everyone and everyone's business. It can be challenging when you feel on the outside, as a child or parent. But it is no reason that the school "cannot cope" be casue it is "too leafy". In fact I found that in situations where difficulties trike that dealt with in the right way this kind of community can be a boon. Certainly seeing the rallying of our community around a mum who became seriously ill with meningitis and the stops that were pulled out to help and support her kids, was stunning.

Work on forging links and freindships for you and DD will help in the long run. Not saying you have to tell people anything about you DD's background, but getting some allies would help.

Definitely keep kicking up a stink therelovely to get the support you need with the school. It seems awful that a bad thing has to happen before they take notice of you.

Keep being your DDs advocate as you are doing. And as I said, try and see if you could link together with some of the less mean parents to get your DD some one to one playdates. Also, could you think about Brownies or something, especially out of area ones where she could make other alternative friends so if things are not feeling fab at school she has so other mates?

The parental response of looking after and protecting their own child is to be expected, the OP needs to be talking with people who are able to offer informed support and suggestions. It is a long and delicate process which can take years to resolve the triggers that lead to the unacceptable behaviour.

cory made some valid points

Your hurt and your protective nature comes to the fore here but you cannot force change on these parents. You need their co-operation and the school's help.

Any parent who invites a whole class bar one is a nasty piece of work

I've seen no hostility directed towards the OP. Describing other people's children's "little darlings" WILL cause offence, and labelling it as "throwaway" simply won't do.

While it's unpleasant for the OP's DD to have been excluded, what have those parents actually done wrong by speaking to each other and complaining to the school? And by the way WAS she excluded, the OP said she could still go to the party, so what happened there?

I've lost count of the number of threads on MN where an OP whose child is having a hard time with another child at school is told to ask around to see if other parents' children are experiencing the same, or to go through the school if it's happening in school time.

I think it's also worth remembering that some 'little darlings' may have problems of their own, who knows? If they are unaware of your dd's issues then you may be unaware of theirs

Every child is equally important, you sound like you're doing a great job with your dd and maybe the other parents are trying to do the same with their dc

Sorry that some of you are offended by my use of 'little darlings.' This probably reflects my anger. My dd has many tales of what other children do to her. However I am sensible enough to know that the way they behave towards her is probably as a consequence of her behaviour towards them so wouldn't dream of complaining tit for tat. The class teacher suggested that the children in question were far from innocent themselves and that one mum had phoned up the others and stirred it all up. Not being there in the school day, of course, I can't be sure!

migsy my daughter is much happier at a school where there are firm boundaries, where consquences are consistently applied in a nurturing and pastorally excellent environment.

"You're coming across as a bit ignorant tbh"

I was adopted. Were you?

Op you should start a thread about your DDs problems. On a board this size there will be plenty if people with experience who can help or hand hold!

It is shit that your DD was left out but please don't fixate on it. It shows the adults up for what they are, don't blame their children. They are also only 7 all they know is your DD is 'bad', or a bully. As I said before my Dds have been left out of invites , especially my eldest but such is life unfortunately.

I work with a child with attachment disorder as well as various other problems, and he is doing great.

Hold your DD close, as long she is loved, which she very obviously is, she'll get through this.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn.

Good luck.

Erm. I'm going to agree with married (see below). I'm also going to just remind everybody what a lovely person the OP is! Fundamentally, she has adopted a child who she almost certainly already knew had come from a difficult background and thus would have these problems. OP, that is a great thing and your DD is very lucky to have you- particularly because you are upset about this issue which shows not only how much you care, but also that you will get through this with her.

Two years ago, there was a class of students in my school that were so difficult, they were never left in a room with less than 3 qualified teachers. Even so, they were sometimes like animals and could clearly neither relate to their teachers or each other. I realise this may well out me in RL if anyone from school is reading! We got in a number of specialists and eventually removed the fifteen most difficult boys from the timetable completely, realising that teaching them socialising techniques was more important than educating them (not one parent complained, BTW). One of the most interesting outcomes, was the diagnosis by an ed psych of attachment disorder for most of them. We actually had an INSET on it, as we were quite confused.

OP, several things from this:

1. The training worked for us, as understanding what the boys had been through helped us to understand and sympathise with their behaviour. I think you should tell some of the parents.
2. I also think you should consider moving schools. Middle class will be sniffy and, erm, other schools may be better set up for dealing with the problem.
3. There were other kids in that class trying to work. I found that heartbreaking. Whilst the pens were being thrown and some kids were randomly grunting, others were sitting there going through comprehsion questions. Despite your DD's awful disorder, you cannot forget that others will (and if she's been diagnosed, it's a 'will', not a 'may') find her really difficult to deal with.

I think you have taken this too personaly, I and another couple of parents complained to my dds teacher abourt a girl in the class, she is on the whole im sure also a lovely sweet littlegirl but her behaviour was having some very strong and upsetting effects on some other children and so needed to be addressed. The littlegirlin question was also not invited to my dds party as a result as my dd just could face her. I had not talked tothe other parents prior t this however, but I did hear that others had also complained.

it is a very difficult situation and although your dd has had a difficult start and as a result her behaviour is affected, It is still importand to manage this behaviuor effectivly and that means the teachers need to know about this stuff.

remember they are only very small children and if they are being affected by your dds behaviour they have rhe right to be supported.

What you should do is now find ouit what measures the school are going to put in place to support them all, your own dd included.

Being beaten or raped or witnessing atrocities does not make inflicting similar harm on others acceptable.

marriedinwhite if you can compare the sustained abuse and neglect of a young child to a child from a stable happy home being occassionally pushed and shoved at school I really can't continue this conversation with you.