to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

"The headteacher told me she investigated it and it was an 'accident.' I accept it might not have been"

I wouldn't be allowing the head to do that, she needs to direct support to your DD and overlooking things will not help.

The school are trying to make lif eeasier for themselves. Perhaps the other parents feel that they need to be 'en masse' to get the school to take action.

Cansu no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that the staff in a leafy middle class school will have very little experience of dealing with a child who has complex behaviour difficulties caused by a distressing and unacceptable past. I am saying that she probably needs experienced and specialist help which is often unavailable in leafty middle class schools because the staff in them are exceptionally inexperienced at dealing with it.

I would hope that every child in need of extra care is able to access expert, professionals who are able to provide it. Teachers in leafy schools often do not have that expertise - they generally have an easy ride with children who are relatively privileged, have oodles of support at home and would be lost if they actually had to lift too many fingers to add value.

Leafy is not always good and is not always the best. Very often the less popular schools are the ones who ensure their children make the longest journeys and who know best how to access the support that the most deserving children need.

Are there any kids she does get along with that you could invite over during the summer holiday?

Having her mix, socialise and play with other children may help her.

Does your daughter have an IEP? Do you have termly meetings (or more frequent) to discuss her progress? does she have SMART goals, with areas where the actions that specific adults are going to help her meet these listed (eg. Parents, Teachers and TAs)?

Its not because its a middle class school, its because a clique seems in charge and I'm not sure the school is dealing with it effectively.

I am trying to be sympathetic towards your post despite your reference to 'little darlings' which is really quite provocative imo.
My dc was bullied terribly by a child in similar circumstances to your daughter, it was a bloody nightmare, and we ended up removing her from school. If the parent concerned had referred to my dc as 'a little darling' I would have made made metaphorical mincemeat out of them.
I wouldn't invite a child to a party if she had been hurting my dc, but I also wouldn't be phoning other parents to engage in some kind of collective exclusion campaign, that is horrendous.
That being said, I really think you should work as closely as you can with the school, other agencies available to you and on a personal level with your daughter to try and improve her behaviour.
You cannot make excuses just because she has had a bad start in life, you and she need to take some responsibility for putting her back on track so that she can function within the realms of acceptable conduct. The sympathy for her shaky start really cannot be dragged out indefinitely.

Can I point out that a child who has gone so far through the family court system that she was adopted and has diagnosed attachment disorder will not merely have had a 'difficult start' in life. We're not talking someone whose Dad was made redundant or witnessed her Mother drunk on a couple of occassions.

To warrant that level of state intervention a child is likely to have been raped, beaten, subject to humiliation, may have been born addicted to Class A drugs, witness to chronic domestic violence, they may have seen their Mother passed out in a pool of her own vomit whilst they cry with a sore bottom and an empty tummy. They may have been subject to chronic negelect, have had broken bones, they could have been exposed to sexual material (or worse, used to make it), they might have been called a witch and a bitch, hit, slapped, shoved, left to cry for hours on their own or shipped out to various neighbours and family members never knowing who, when or if their next need is going to be met.

Please, a bit of compassion for such children. Please.

You cannot make excuses just because she has had a bad start in life

The op isn't making excuses though. She's explaining the reason behind her daughter's bad behaviour.
We can't say what that little girl has witnessed or been subjected to. I wouldn't dare to assume she can get over it.
I've taught young children who have been locked in their rooms 24 hours a day on weekends, left to sleep in their own waste on a mattress on the floor, been denied food and drink. These are not the worst case scenarios.

I can't believe people who think this little girl should just get over it.

i can feel compassion for damaged children. but i want whole, or less damaged, children not to have to be hurt by them. i don't know how to arrange that.

I suspect Birdsgottafly is right and the school are trying to sweep the problems under the carpet to save themselves work. They're disguising it as being understanding of your daughter, but it isn't really helping her, by the sounds of it.

A pro-active school would do a lot more for your dd as well as for the other children. This is where we were lucky. The school had a very clear policy on how to deal with "boisterous play" as they termed it, and it meant everybody- from the teacher to the youngest primary school child- knew exactly what they had to do.

I would go in and book a meeting with the head, just mention that you have heard that there is parental concern over your dd and ask if they could keep a bit of an eye on her relationships with other children and be prepared to step in if she needs guidance.

Attachment disorder can lead to some difficult behaviours (as you obviously know OP) and it's easy to become isolated when your child has behavioural difficulties for whatever reason. Do you happen to know whether there are any parents at the school with kids diagnosed with EBD, or ASD for example? You may find them more tolerant/less freaked out by her behaviour. And they may be parents also feeling quite isolated - you could form a mini support group to get through the school pick ups.

I think it's also essential to ensure she is getting adequate supervision at school - as others have mentioned and IEP and behavioural plan would be needed I think. The kids I have know with attachment disorders have needed a higher level of supervision than usual but it can be difficult for schools to provide this if academically she is doing okay. It would be worth asking how they are supporting her behaviours. Are there other teams they could get in to help such as behavioural support?

Just try and ignore the whispering and find a few allies. It's not easy but you only need one or two kind faces for the school stuff to become a lot easier.

I've worked in Year 2 for several years and have seen many children feel left out when they are not invited to after school parties, but its usually because its rare for people to have the space either at home or in a venue for the whole class. But parents discussing your daughter's behaviour amongst themselves is really unpleasant. if you can stomach it, I think that the best deterrent to such gossip is to be as friendly to these people as possible, hoping that their conscience will kick in. Also, the more often their children see their parents chatting to you happily, the more it will help them to accept incidents of tricky behaviour from your daughter. I hope that everything seems better before term ends and that you will have a lovely time this summer holidays. Thinking of you.

There is no way there are just two incidents OP

That sounds horrible. I'm not surprised you're upset. I agree too that you need to initiate playdates (if you aren't already).

I'm afraid that there are a couple of kids in DS's class who don't ever seem to be invited to parties because they are not very kind to the other children although I know they're not adopted. Having said that, I've never been to a party where all the children are invited. Are you sure that it is all the children? If that's the case, that's vile.

Can you speak to the school to ensure that they are managing boundaries in the same way you are? Or develop a plan together to manage the other parents.

"Please, a bit of compassion for such children. Please."

I dont think anybody on this thread is dismissing the childs needs and I dont think she was put up for adoption in light circumstances either, however it is difficult for parents with children who have been hurt by other children most sensible parents realise children have difficulties most posters are trying to help the OP, they are not making light of really horrendous abuse,

this sounds terribly hard for you and your family. I think school needs to take this more seriously, as minimising incidents as accidents may not be helping anyone. Cory and others advice is good regarding school and regarding trying to arrange some social occasions.

Also you may find allies in people who have or have had jobs working with kids with challenging behaviours - TA's in special schools, social workers, physios working in special schools etc.... Do seek them out!

If you read marriedinwhite you will probably get the mindset of some of the mums. Their ignorance might not improve but focus on the things that can:

In school support, does she need more, is she usually well integrated and if not what are staff doing?

A few friendships, invite a few children over on a one to one basis and try to pall up with their mums a bit.

Get support for yourself, many adoptive mums will have trodden this path first.

Find some out of school activities that might work for her, friends can come from other places too.

Again...make sure the school is managing this either the shitty parental bullying (i would complain about the changing for the party especially if everyone else was going) or your daughter's social limitations and behavioural issues.

Good luck, there will be friendly parents too:)

This must be heartbreaking for you OP. I know when I saw my DDs 'best friends' giggling and going off very clearly for a party after school my heart just shattered for my DD. Turns out in the end the birthday girls mother didn't realise my DD was a good friend - its not the most tight knit school! But at the time I was gutted for DD as she has had to move schools so many times for DHs job and I thought she'd finally found good friend. So for that, I feel for you.

I just wondered about speaking to some of the other parents or children about your DD and her background (not specifics, but generally). There is a little girl with severe ADHD at our Brownie group who has incredibly challenging behaviour. At times it's pretty destructive and because of this the girls occasionally shun her. It's at that point we have a discussion about 'Monica's' ADHD and how we can help. The girls are much better with her then, more tolerant. I don't know if there is anything the teacher might be able to do to instigate something like this in the classroom.

I think if I found out a child hit my DD I'd be upset (in fact it happened in Reception with a little boy who ended up living with his GPs) and bit by bit you realise that it had happened to a lot of parents. I did notice that the more parents discussed it, the more it got into 'and another thing' territory, and so although I bet the parents don't think of it as ganging up, this is the effect it creates. Can you speak to some of the parents, explain about your DD, get some one-to-one playing over the summer, get people to understand what a wonderful DD you have?

agree that an IEP and behavioural plan is what you should be asking for. Sounds like the school is just leaving her to sink or swim.

greenblue makes a very good point, thereslovely (are you Welsh? :)).

If your DD has a DX of attachment disorder, then she needs special support at school as she would if she had any other disability. I also think you should post on the adoption boards - you'll get a lot more advice on how to deal with this because you won't be the first adoptive parent to be in this situation.

It's nearly the end of school so you can have a lovely summer with your lovely DD. Hang on in there

OP, you might be better off posting in the SN section. Many of us have children whose behaviour and other needs lead to them being excluded or isolated at school and in the wider community.
We are good at being supportive of each other, and whilst understanding that other parents don't want their children attacked or frightened, we also know how heartbreaking it is when it is our own child in pain too.
You will need to locate and access whatever support you can and become, as cory said, your child's advocate in school and outside. The SN boards have a lot of people who can give suggestions as well as a safe place to scream.

What some children endure is despicable; I do not understand why because a has been beaten as a child it justifies them beating, hitting or hurting another human being later. Compassion is essential but so too is access to specialists to help repair the damage and make sure damaged humans learn that damaging others is unacceptable.

Being beaten or raped or witnessing atrocities does not make inflicting similar harm on others acceptable.

I agree, the child is 7 but she also requires a huge amount of specialist support. Her past does not make it acceptable to hurt the other children. Neither does her past or the naturally protective instincts of other parents make it acceptable for the OP to refer in a most sarcastic manner to their children as "little darlings". If that attitude has been picked up by other parents then recovery from this will be difficult.

"Excluding my child from a party is not going to help improve her behaviour"

Well it may. Because rather than accepting the bad behaviour and making allowances for it, she may get the message that bad behaviour equals sanctions. Good behaviour and being nicer to her classmates should equal making friends and being invited.

I would concentrate on helping her with friendships on a one to one basis firstly. Parties are not the best place for this.

Marriedinwhite - Is there a chance that your dd might be happier at a less middle class school where they might be better equipped and more experienced at dealing with children who have had complex difficulties in their past.
OMG!