to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

Gosh OP you must be raging, when I was doing frontline social work I was fiercely protective of the children who had had massively disrupted early years. Watching them trying to make their little way in the world and attempting some kind of recovery at 6 or 7 with their new families was heartwarming and heartbreaking in equal measure, I cannot imagine how you must feel as a parent to know these other parents are judging DD behind your back.

Telling the other parents DD is adopted would no doubt curb the unreasonable aspects of their behaviour but off course that would be breaching her privacy. I think its incredibly dignified of you to choose to keep this aspect of DD's past to yourself (assuming this is what DD wants) but it may still be worth speaking to DD's teacher to see if the situation can be resolved in some other way, it may be that there are legitimate concerns about DD's behaviour which you can work with the school to manage.

Best wishes OP.

I think it does depend on her behaviour

You feel protective of your dd but the other parents will feel protective of their dc too, no one wants to think of their child being unhappy or picked on and they might just be trying to protect their children

Sorry, but it looks to me that there is a good chance that YABU (feel free to prove me wrong). Consider your OP :

"A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings."
So there's several children involved here, who have allegedly been on the receiving end of her behaviour. So to me that means it is less likely to be just a personality clash. And you're dismissing it out of hand by sarcastically referring to these children as 'their little darlings', minimising any distress they may feel.

"Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) "
So you accept her behaviour may have been wanting ...

"but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) "
... but you expect everyone to overlook it for these reasons.

You want to protect your daughter. Is it really so wrong that these parents should also want to protect their children?

Oops, apologies for double-posting, I've got some hardware/network issues here this week.

Good post there by WhereYou

The child is 7. I doubt very much she's been torturing the other kids. The emphasis on this thread about 'but what has she done' is chilling tbh. She's 7, she's not a grown up. The behaviour of ALL 7 year olds needs managing. They are not entirely responsible for themselves. Adults are though and the behaviour of some parents is disgraceful. I can remember being excluded from a party. I have no idea why. I was 4. It's a really nasty thing to do. By all means have small parties that you can't invite everyone too - but to have a big party and exclude one child is horrible.

OP - doubtless you feel crap about this. None of this is your fault. It's nearly the summer holidays. Just have a nice time with your dd and see what next term brings. Don't be afraid to talk about your child's needs. You don't need to tell them why but stare them straight in the eye and say 'yes dd has some problems with..........but when she gets it right it's fantastic.'

Thanks for your messages. I know the parents phoned each other because the class teacher told me. My daughter has never been disruptive at any party and if she was I would deal with her straight away. Excluding my child from a party is not going to help improve her behaviour - it will just reinforce her deep-seated feelings of worthlessness. Most of you don't think I should tell the parents she is adopted and it might not even make a difference. Sorry if I sound sarcastic about their 'little darlings' but it is a very middle class school, not socially mixed and not very inclusive. Tbh I would prefer it if the parents had a word with me to sort it out just as they would in a more ordinary school. The complaints are not directed at me but at the school so I don't know what more I can do. (Of course she has boundaries at home and all the right messages from those around her. Adopted children are traumatised and there is no quick fix to help them.)

Yes, it's mean and cruel to invite the whole class bar your dd.

When my dd started school, there was a boy with behavioural issues who took against my dd. At one point he bit her. When it came to her birthday I had to explain to her why we had to invite him to the party (as we were inviting the whole class).

Took a while but by working with the school, and presumably, the boy and his parents, they get on now. He still has behavioural issues but he doesn't pick on her.

Not sure what I'm trying to say but these parents are not setting their children a very good example.

why won't you tell us what she's been doing to the other children?

I don't get why it would be so terrible for other parents to know that she's adopted. No need to go into specifics obv. The smarter and more tolerant ones will then be able to understand why she sometimes behaves in the way she does and will probably back off a bit.

At the mo, they clearly just think she's a little thug, and that you can't or won't tackle it. Hardly seems preferable to me.

I understand your daughter has had an awful start in life however referring to the other children as little darlings isnt very fair on them,
you haven't said what has happened to upset them,

I think you should speak to the school about her behaviour yes she has had a rough time but other 7 year olds don't know that

, leaving a 7 year old out is horrible especially if the whole class went it isn't fair leaving her out ,
speak to the parents apologise if your daughter hurt their children tell them a little about her not it all as i dont think they need to know all the ins and outs , and hopefully build bridges with them IMO they shouldnt be gossiping about your child but perhaps they dont know what else to do,

excellent post by greenblue.

I feel for you OP sounds very similar to my DD adopted with similar problems and SEN. Chances are your little one has been labelled the 'naughty' one. IME I also think there is that distance between parents as a) I am an older mum b) where we live now is not my hometown c) my children came along older so I missed out on all of the bonding in the baby groups etc.

FWIW I would move this into Adoption rather than AIBU - YANBU for the way you feel and in Adoption you may get some experienced advice

OP how would you feel if some child was hurting or upsetting YOUR (not saying this is the case because you seem reluctant to answer people asking what she does) 'little darling'. I'm assuming you'd feel how they do. I personally wouldn't have ruined my child's party for them by inviting someone that either doesn't behave or hurts/upsets them. Especially if their parent feels they have licence to do so. I do hope things get better with your child but you need to accept other people don't have to have that behaviour.

OP you have my sympathy some parents at my ds's infant school went one further and organised a petition to have him removed.Ds in fact has severe autism and had full time support that the school were misusing leaving him free to hurt his classmates.
Having said all that though I invited the "difficult" child in dd's class to dd's party because I wouldn't have left a child out and I did spend the majority of time managing his behaviour so didn't really see much of dd unfortunately so do have experience of the other side so to speak.
Ideally I'd have asked his parent to stay but they dropped and ran (literally)
I would ask school to put in some support for dd so that her behaviour doesn't impact on the other children and to do some work with her peers so that they are able to be more understanding and support possible friendships.

I agree with whereyouleftit.

It's hard (I know, my son has HFA) but you have to see it from the other parent's perspective.

Oh dear. My DD is ending year 2 as well. She has been bullied by a child who has had a very difficult start in life. I am afraid my attitude is that the child problems cannot be allowed to be my DDs problems.

I have a feeling the parents feel the same way.

Having said that, it is very wrong of them to exclude her and bully her in such a nasty way.

If I was inviting the whole class, I would invite the bully to her party too. Her birthday is in the summer holidays though, so I am going to invite just a handful of lovely girls.

Sorry but to go back to my suggestion is there any reason why you couldn't try to get a child over for tea or to play?
Would the teacher help you?

The parents are behaving badly but I am trying to think of ways to stop your feeling like an outcast and help your dd form friendships.

I would be surprised indeed if every parent was in on this. If anyone at my dcs schools phoned me to ostracise a child I would give them short shrift.

What lovely posts from northernlurker and teamedward. Really kind.

It's not that I 'won't' say what she has been doing but I am vague because I know of two incidents, both of which the class teacher felt were dealt with. In one incident she hit a child on the arm with an object and the parents of the boy were informed. The headteacher told me she investigated it and it was an 'accident.' I accept it might not have been but that is what she reported to me. The other incident involved my daughter pushing another child which the teacher witnessed and sent my dd to another classroom. In general I know my dd doesn't always conform and has difficulty controlling her emotions.

YANBU especially wrt the class party. You don't say exactly what sort of behavior they are complaining about.

At 7 though you can't expect the other patents not to mind if your child is rude or difficult or mean to other kids. While I think you should respect your child's privacy you can't expect to be cut slack if no-one knows her history.

What information will they be sharing about your daughter? What might they be saying to slag her off?

Is she on SEN register?

How often does the teacher collar you to say there's been a problem in school today?

Sounds like an absolute witch hunt - it breaks my heart (and makes me so incredibly angry) to see and hear the attitudes of some of the parents in my daughters class to a little boy who requires lots of extra support. To the extent that 2 of them boycotted DDs party because he was invited. Glad that you have the teachers support - your daughter is very lucky to have a mum like you and hopefully your little girl gets the support she needs at school. Not every parent int he class will be on a witch hunt - would it be an idea to arrange a few playdates for dd with kids whose parents aren't quite so hostile? Invite the mums for a coffee as well ?