to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

By now, the girl in question will be organising her own parties as she’s at secondary school. Fgs. I was grossly annoyed when after reading a couple of hundred posts this is a zombie. Oh why?!!

I don't think parents should be inviting kids who have hurt them to their dc's party.It shows complete disrespect for their own child and dismissiveness of their feelings.Also the party parent has to think of the wellbeing of all the other little invitees.They might be prepared to take the risk of their own child being hurt, it doesn't mean they have the right to expose other people's children to potential harm
Also I am surprised at the hypocrisy of posters condemning class parents for discussing the situation - what are we doing here on MN?

This thread is FIVE YEARS old. Don't resurrect the zombie!

So your "little darling" has twice hit and shoved other children, and you can't understand why other children don't want her at their parties?

Not everyone gets picked for school teams. Not everyone gets invited to parties. Not everyone gets high grades. Not everyone gets the job. Not everyone gets promoted. Your daughter - and you - need to learn to handle these very everyday, normal, nothing-to-get-worked-up-over events of daily life. And your 'little darling' needs to stop hitting people.

Just seen it's a zombie thread. Would be interesting to hear how it all turned out though!

It sounds to me like the problem is with the school.

You say "Tbh I would prefer it if the parents had a word with me to sort it out just as they would in a more ordinary school. The complaints are not directed at me but at the school so I don't know what more I can do... I have been asking for assessment and support for my dd for over a year and the school are only finally acting after these complaints."

Our school policy is that all complaints go through the school, NOT to the parents, and I think this is standard, it's a problem in school that the school needs to sort out. However the fact that a group of parents have got together to complain to the school suggests that as individuals they have complained and feel insufficient action has been taken by the school to help matters. Therefore getting together as a group is trying to force the issue to be addressed. You also think insufficient action has been taken, as you say you have been asking for support for a year and it's only just happening. It could be that the group complaint has actually kicked them into realising the problem can't be ignored.

I'd maybe consider moving schools to one which is actually better at managing behaviour and supporting children. Focusing your upset on the parents is missing the point that the school is failing to meet the needs of your daughter, which is creating this situation. I also agree with the poster above that the way the teacher told you about the parents phoning each other is unhelpful.

Noooo, not a zombie thread! FFS....

FFS, it has been pointed out repeatedly that this thread is 5 years old and yet people are still posting advice to the OP. Does anybody read before posting?

I’m really sorry OP that must have been really horrible for your daughter to be left out of the party. I don’t think that’s kind. If the parents are concerned about your daughters behaviour they should talk to you and not encourage their children to leave people out - that’s not a good message in my opinion xxx

It always confuses me how people resurrect a thread after bloody years because they think they've got something insightful or important to add. No you haven't after five bloody years!

Does anybody read before posting?
Problem is that many people (including me) read the first couple of pages and then comment, assuming (fairly reasonably) that no-one would restart a 5-year old thread! Mumsnet really needs to sort this out (or ban people who look up really old threads and start them up again).

Firstly if this was a whole class party and one child was excluded then that's not on
However, if my child said they didn't want to invite a girl to their party then at 7 I would be ok with that ( barring the above scenario)
If a child had treated mine badly then I wouldn't insist they invited her because she had had a bad start in life.
As for the parents approaching you I do t think they should, if the issues are at school they should speak to the teacher and the teacher should deal with it.
If your daughter has attachment issues it's easy to see why she might not be popular at school, you can explain WHY a classmate behaves the way they do and at 7 there should be a certain level of empathy and understanding but if she is being violent or nasty to others ( or even nit engaging with them at all) then they probably won't want to play with her, or invite her to parties

Bollocks - zombie!!!

Z-O-M-B-I-E

It was myself who started up the thread I hadn't realised the date, I'm new to mumsnet and still don't understand a lot of it yet, Neebie naivety, but I'm a bit shocked at how people are responding and it's putting me off mumsnet like people are very aggressive at the fact an old thread has been brought back up.

How difficult for you op. I really don't agree with all the parents getting together like this either, or the fact they left your child out of the party must be very painful.

Are there children in her class that she does like? Are there any in particular you see as potential friends? I would work on her behaviour at home and how to cope with school life, you can run through role plays together so she knows how to cope.

In the meantime I would be brush over the party, it is just one party. Focus on her most positive friendships and try to organise some days out together, tea at your house and carefully monitor how she is. You can chat afterwards about the things she did really well, and the things she could do to improve gently.

Also outside friends and family are a great support network if you can enlist more local friends, family friends and clubs etc she can build up more than just one dimension of friends so she can learn to enjoy friends out of school and you are then not relying on the goodwill of what sounds like quite a crass bunch of parents in the class. You won't need any longer and I think it will be liberating for your child to think of school just being school and nothing more.

If I can’t be bothered reading the whole thread then the first and last pages are a good start

Youngmomkk did you not see the Zombie thread warning when you posted? There are plenty of active threads around.

It must be frustrating to feel your dd is being excluded. However, You can't change the way others behave but you can control what you do.

I don't think a birthday party is the right point to try tackling this. Whatever the rights and wrongs of the birthday party, the most important thing is how things are in school. If that improves, the party problem will resolve itself in the longer term. Any attempt to force the issue for this party will only make things worse.

I would meet with the school and find out more about dynamics, what is actually happening etc. Then you can actually look at a way forward. Is there a kid in the class she gets on with? Maybe you can try organising a play date with them individually? If she struggles with the class as a group, maybe look at an alternative focus for her socialising outside of school.

It is shit not to be invited to a party but my son is rarely invited and to be honest I am grateful. He is fine with one or 2 friends but in a large group he cant navigate the dynamics and ends up in tears because of perceived injustices which often are just his perception of things. However, he has loads of playdates and an active social life in a way which he can cope with.

If I knew what you know about the other parents, I probably would decline the invitation anyway. It would be putting your dd in an environment where she is probably going to be scrutinised and judged and she doesn't need that right now.

Do something nice with her and move on.

What has your daughter been doing? If it's truly nasty behaviour that has been really upsetting the other children then it does change things. If my son had regularly been coming home in tears because another child had been horrible or violent towards him then I wouldn't be inviting that child to his birthday party regardless of how it would make that other child feel, and regardless of whether that child was adopted. If someone has been hurting or upsetting my son then I would put his needs first and not force him to interact with a child whose behaviour may make him feel upset or afraid. Although if your daughter's behaviour isn't all that bad then that's different. It's difficult to decide when we don't know what she has done! I do think it was tactless of the school to allow children to get dressed for parties at school and maybe you should address that with the school. However, (and i'm sorry if this sounds nasty because I don't mean it in a nasty way) it is not other parents responsibility to think of your daughter or put her feelings before their own child's feelings.

Just saw this is a zombie thread. Theres 5 minutes of my life i will never get back!

Youngmomkk did you not see the Zombie thread warning when you posted? There are plenty of active threads around.

There is no longer a warning. At least not on the desktop version, or the mobile one

yet the advice on here is different

You mean different people gave different opinions on a different matter FIVE years ago?
God, that's shocking. Wouldn't have guessed that could ever happen.....

The big Zombie warnings were removed as MNHQ said it put off newbies.

So newbies post on them and get told it's annoying and wastes peoples time and the response then that puts them off ....