to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

The other parents are not aware of your daughter's background and problems so, from their point of view, she may just appear to be badly behaved or too rough, etc. I understand that you do not want to have to share this information but you must be aware that they will not make the allowances you do as they don't understand.

I think it might be helpful for those who are concerned about the DD's behaviour to know that one of the symptoms of an attachment disorder is that firm boundaries do not work, boundaries only work if the child values the adult's approval, sadly many children with attachment disorders do not know what approval is, they've never had it and therefore do not seek it.

What OP's DD is going through is incredibly complex and requires specialist input, something we all agree on :)

There are an awful lot of assumptions on here about the oPs daughters terribly destructive behaviour and how she will be impacting on others. There is very little evidence to suggest that this is the case. I am rather depressed by the attitudes expressed on this thread as many posters are so incensed to hear their children called "little darlings" that they have lost sight of what t he op has actually said. I also disagree that schools in less leafy areas will be better set up to help with the ops daughter. If there are less difficulties in this schools the teachers should have more time and energy to help this little girl. Interestingly it appears the school are not tearing their hair out but seem to be suggesting that it is the behaviour of the other parents which is causing problems. OP keep doing what you are doing. I try and stay well away from the cliquey parents at school and refrain from making comments about other peoples children. I repeat what I said earlier. If the other parents are concerned they should individually and PRIVATELY seek an appointment to express their concerns. Gossiping and excluding children is bullying.

The class teacher was very unkind and unprofessional to tell you that the other parents were gossiping about your daughter. I wonder what she thought she was trying to achieve other than to upset and alienate you. Absolutely 'ing.

Also, can you honestly say that you have never discussed another childs behaviour with a friend? I know I have and I am sure most people have. It doesn't automatically mean that it was done in a nasty way, even if it was misguided and inappropiate. It could have been along the lines of "you know that thereslovely's has hit my DC, I am not sure if it's just my DC or a bigger problem, What has been your experience?"

If ALL the other kids were invited to the party and were allowed to chat about it and get dressed at school then that was also very mean and very badly managed by the school. However, if it was just some of the kids then it's ok'ish.

"The class teacher suggested that the children in question were far from innocent themselves and that one mum had phoned up the others and stirred it all up."

It sounds like the class teacher says a lot more than her prayers.

Why on earth is she shit-stirring like that?

All this stuff about cliques and ringleaders and phonecalls and vendettas is just gossip.

It is incredibly unprofessional for a teacher to be passing that kind of hearsay on to you.

You feel got at and ganged up against, and that is making you angry.

But as cory and others have pointed out, you don't need to make enemies of these other parents.

It is not unreasonable of them to complain to the school about your daughter if she is hurting or frightening their children.

One might have hoped for a more constructive response from the school than allowing children to get changed for a party at school in front of uninvited peers and then gossiping to you about the supposed posse lined up agin you.

greenblue please read every sentence in my posts. I am not comparing that at all; I am saying that the cycle of abuse has to be stopped and that specialist help is required to stop it. We don't even know the level of abuse the OPs dd has suffered. Are you saying that if a man sees his mother beaten as a child, excuses should be made for him when he beats his wife as an adult? I would say that early specialist intervention is necessary rather than excuses and trying to pretend that all is rosy and the problem will go away if only everyone else stops complaining. I also don't think that if a child has been abused that it gives them the right to abuse other children; that is not to say that the child does not need help but the safety of the majority is not, in my opinion, negotiable.

I also do not agree that one child should be excluded from a whole class party but I'm not sure I entirely agree with the concept of the whole class party in the first place.

Tortu tell me you are not a teacher? Bollocks are middle class schools less able to deal with this. Good schools will deal just fine with situations like this. What an extraordinary idea that children with difficult diagnoses should move sharply to the less middle class schools where they will fit better. Also why on earth should the op disclose personal information about her daughter to parents who have already been hostile to a 7yr old.

The op's daughter is not 'lucky' to have the op. She has a good loving parent like most of our children. This is a minimum requirement. She is actually incredibly unlucky to have been parented so dreadfully she had attachment disorder and a second permanent family.

And squeaky being adopted yourself is irrelevant to your understanding unless you also had attachment disorder. It is certainly something not cured by peer/social sanctions as you imply.

Op there is an adoption board on mumsnet there are other groups online. I hope you are able to connect to other parents with similar experiences.

athinginyourlife we cross posted the same point.

I can't believe you would think of telling the other parents she is adopted to excuse her behaviour. She is either your daughter or she is not. Saying she is adopted to all these people is saying she is "my full daughter when she is lovely and part-daughter when she isn't". Also, tbh, telling them about the adoption could seem to illicit some sympathy, but if it is a naice middle class school with certain types of parents they might think its a little too "Jeremy Kyle".
Many, many not adopted children have difficult behaviour sometimes. Well, all children. Please do not label your child to the other parents, this is not your information to give away. Discuss with the school about behaviour management and specific needs - these also do not need to go on about her adoption.

No, I wasn't squeaky but I know quite a few adopted children. I also have a few adopted friends of my age (40+) and they were adopted from a very young age and I know weren't put through the sustained trauma that most children put up for adoption today have been.

The adoption board is not well-used; I read it regularly. Thanks for your advice. I am surprised some of you are disagreeing with each other so vehemently. It shows how differently people react towards children like mine.

"And squeaky being adopted yourself is irrelevant to your understanding unless you also had attachment disorder. It is certainly something not cured by peer/social sanctions as you imply."

This girl has quite probably had very little in the way of love or boundaries until she was adopted. Learning that good behaviour has it's rewards is an essential life skill. Her bad behaviour may have a reason, but that does not mean it should be allowed and excused from now on.

To me the incidents you describe aren't really out of the realms of abnormality for 7yos. Hitting and pushing are still common in this age group - not right, but not uncommon!

They are things, like you say, that are dealt with then and there.

I feel for you and DD and agree with you that excluding her is not going to help her. I think perhaps the teacher should do a class session on accepting people. It's amazing how much power LO's thoughts can have over their parents. So they may help their parents behave better.

OP that is just trerrible. The incidents you describe do not sound that severe. To invite the whole class bar one, is just disgusting, they are still little girls who belong in the playground. What example are they setting to them, and to phone each other gossiping about your dd is just what can i say awful. Can you not move schools?

I am talking as a parent with a dd 5 with ASD who has at times bitten other children and thrown things at them at her ms school. She is due to go to a specialist autistic school in september. The parents at her ms school have been wonderful, nothing like you have described has ever happned there, parents are even leaving me their numbers to meet up in the holidays which is wonderful.

What can i say, you cannot control what goes on outside the school, lets hope that it never happens to one of their little angles

hi marriedinwhite. Of course we're agreed that the cycle of abuse needs to be stopped (that's what I do for a living) - but I don't think many people appreciate how difficult that is in a child with attachment difficulties (as demonstrated by the various 'boundaries' comments made throughout this thread), nor do I think people realise how scant post-adoption services are. Believe me OP will have to kick, scream and fight for even the most basic of support, I'm sure you'd agree our ire would be better directed at that issue rather than telling the OP (who has done society a HUGE favour) that there's no smoke without fire etc.

The fact is marriedinwhite you did compare the two, you called it 'similar harm' but I accept I'm being pedantic and I do take your point.

If your child had been bullying my child she wouldn't get invited either.

Obviously something is going on, children don't get excluded for nothing. Especially by other parents.

No saying that your child is adopted is not a public rejection of mothering. If that is what the listener hears their ignorance is probably beyond challenging. It is information that all the family should be able to share with confidence at times that seem right to them.

Op I have a seven year old daughter too. Two things came to my mind reading your posts.

Firstly, my daughter is not adopted;she has not been through the trauma yours has; we are far from perfect parents but she hasn't had to cope with the sort of things your little girl has and still at times she struggles to control her emotions or act in a way that as adults we find appropriate. This is because she is seven years old. And like you we try to teach her and help her because we want her to be the best person she can but we also accept that seven years olds don't deal with things perfectly all the time.

The other is that from experience of both my daughters, they are in and out of cliques and friendship groups all the time at this age.

Some parents can't possibly believe their little one has done anything wrong. You aren't one of them. I don't know how you resolve this, but don't be too hard on either yourself, or her, please.

The adoption is board is very well used thereslovely I am a regular lurker.

I think it ok to post here to have a moan, however i think the best advice and constructive support will be gained from the adoption board.

where you prepared in your training and aproval for similar problems, is it worth getting in tough with social services for some advice.

What a load of rubbish secret place where does it say the ops daughter has bullied anyone. If one child pushes another on one occasion does that make the child a bully? If so then most schools have about 200 bullies! seriously have you read this thread?

Squeaky again your comments dont show any understanding of attachment disorders in a young child.

Yup op I feel pretty vehement, you should have better family support, the school should do much better, the parents shouldn't model bullying and exclusion.

I wish you much holiday fun and a more positive start in September. Right am off to walk the dogs.

Op you sound like you are doing a really good job bringing up your daughter, she needs someone on her side. If she has had a difficult start in life she needs guidance and her confidence building. Not bullies ( the "little daring" Parents) ganging up and going to the teacher.

I think it is a disgrace that parents would get together to complain to the teacher about one child.

If their child has been upset by another of course speak to the teacher but you dont get a gang together to do it! madness!!!

Your daughter needs guidance to control her emotions and the school should be helping her to do this.

I can understand why you think it might make it better if the other parents knew she was adopted as they might understand why she does the things she does, but it could also backfire and they could then decided its not their problem and isolate her more.

Either way i am sure with you support she will flurish

cansu she's obviously doing something that is causing the other children distress. This doesn't just happen for nothing.

It doesn't say that anywhere does it, it won't.

And the parents 'ganging up' maybe it's a case of them finding support when their children have all come home upset?

kate2mum I say in my original post that I wouldn't tell the parents her personal life story. I am not excusing her behaviour nor even explaining it. Mightn't a bit of understanding help?