to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

bigbuttons do the the exact behavioural issues need to be discussed? unless you want to do a bit of online equivalent of rubbernecking. Honestly, with a child who has some attachment issues, it would not be rocket science to think of ways a child might manifest this, so use your brain for ideas and not get hung up on specifics, honestly

OP - The school need to be doing a LOT to support you and your child to manage her behavioural issues. I hope you have that support. And then you need to smile and be pleasant to those mothers who are being particularly bullying with a middle finger in your mind at the same time. Think less about what they think, concentrate on forming relationships with those children who your DD does get on with, encourage those relationships, and get to know those parents. And divulge what you feel comfortable with to those parents who take time to get to know you and your DD, those who are not interested and seek to isolate your DD, they are not worthy of such private information and will just fuel gossip.

And, FWIW I respect and admire your determination to fiercely protect your child from those who will make her journey through life harder, do not stop that. She needs you to do this.

"Excluding my child from a party is not going to help improve her behaviour"

Presumably they don't consider improving your daughter's behaviour to be their responsibility?

"The emphasis on this thread about 'but what has she done' is chilling tbh. She's 7, she's not a grown up."

Just because she's not a grown up doesn't mean she won't have hurt other children.

Children who matter every bit as much as she does.

That's tough for you and your DD, and I'm really sorry.

We have had similar situations in the past. My son is autistic and parents are often worse than the children in the way they react over difficult issues.

My way forward was to simply ignore other parents and work closely with the school and other agencies to support my DS's needs.

Good luck...

Gosh OP those are really minor incidents (compared to what ds did) I'd say the parents have a very low tolerance threshold and probably need to be avoided. Such incidents wouldn't even hit my radar tbh so for me YANBU

Sorry X-post.

set up a meeting with these parents through the school to sort these issues out or it will never be sorted they will be talking about her and you will be calling their kids Little darlings try and sort it, I dont know what class has to do with it though

If a parent has a concern about their child they should speak to the school privately. they should not be phoning each other up and gossiping about the OPs daughter. They are behaving in an unpleasant and judgemental fashion. TBh I wouldn't tell them anything OP because I doubt they would cope with the info well. I would pretend you know nothing about it and would continue to behave pleasantly. As for excluding your dd I would ask the teacher to help as much as possible with helping your dd to make friends in the class. It might also be worth trying to get her in some groups outside school like brownies where she could meet other children in a structured environment. You could talk privately to the leaders about your dds background so they could support her.

lisaro, what you have said about the parent feeling she has license to misbehave is awful and so not true. Who would choose to have a child with behavioural problems? Certainly not me I can tell you.

When dd moved to a state cofe, largely middle class secondary, I was told that exceptions had to be made for some girls who were unable to behave because they were from difficult backgrounds. I still fail to understand why a difficult background makes it OK to thieve, intimidate, assault, and disrupt on an almost continuous basis. I still fail to understand why some children from difficult backgrounds can behave in spite of their circumstances. I think it boils down to consequences and firm boundaries. If there are none then behaviour will not improve.

I am sorry you feel your child is being persecuted but like many others what has she been doing to make other parents complain. It took quite serious incidents to make me compain and eventually to remove my child from a school that was not delivering what it promised at admissions and what it it claimed its reputation was all about.

Is there a chance that your dd might be happier at a less middle class school where they might be better equipped and more experienced at dealing with children who have had complex difficulties in their past.

I am sorry your dd is going through this but the way you have couched it does make it sound rather as though she needs to learn to comply and to conform. Difficult lessons I know but they will serve her better in the long term than flexible boundaries and perpetual forgiveness because of.

I think the school was wrong to let the other kids change during class time for a party.

I wonder if you are over thinking this a little - my dcs miss a lot of invites but get on with their classmates; that your dd was not invited on this occasion might not mean anything .

It would have been better managed if the parent concerned had contacted you to say they would invite your dd to the party if you stayed to supervise her.

Excluding one child is heartless and bullying. Adults should know better. I understand they're protecting their child and don't have to invite everyone, but to ring up and be complicit in excluding one little girl out of a whole class is vile and cowardly.

OP, I would arrange a special treat on the day of the party so your dd "can't go" to the party because you're busy doing something lovely.

Those parents should be ashamed of themselves. I don't think the teacher should have told you btw, it's opened a can of worms.

My eldest was practically tortured by a child who had a very difficult start in life. I felt very sorry for him, and his mother, but he bit, hit and kicked my child on a daily basis, pulled his hair, stamped on him, pinched and scratched him. I was repeatedly told he had "difficulty controlling his emotions", which is terrible for him, but also quite terrible for my child, his punching bag.
Should I have invited him to a birthday party?

I don't agree with parents ganging up like this, no. But its not fair at all to assume that parents are just being mean to a poor child. Every parent wants to protect their own children, even if that means upsetting someone elses.

Not inviting your DD to a party when the rest of the class is invited is not on. However, it's very difficult from a parent's perspective to invite a child to your DC's party who has been hurting them. For my DS1's birthday I really struggled with this. He had been hurt many, many times by a particular boy in his class. In this case his mother refused to believe that 'her little darling' was capable of doing such a thing. The school - in their infinite 'wisdom' - didn't tell her what her son was doing, and we had a falling out over the very first incident (she had a go at me because I dared mention that my son's face had been scratched so badly he had to sit in the office with a cold pack on his face to reduce the swelling) and ignores me and is unaware of any of the subsequent incidents.

Even with that, I invited her son to my DS's party, but it really, really pained me to do it. TBH I was delighted when she refused to bring him - and if you think that makes me a bad person, so be it.

You say your DD is 'difficult', but YOU may not know the extent of what your DD does at school, because the school is 'managing' it. But these parents would be very, very aware of what your DD is doing to their children because the victim tends to tell their parents when they get hurt!

I think you are really going to have to work hard here as your dd's advocate. The first thing you need to think about is whether there could actually be a child who is genuinely hurt or frightened by your dd. And if that is the case, then you need to think about how you can get together with the school to ensure that doesn't happen. You cannot be protective of your own dd without simultaneously being protective of her friends iyswim.

When ds was that age he started trying to school refuse because he was frightened of a boy in his class who used to push him over in the playground. There were far more incidents than the teachers ever knew of because ds was afraid to tell (but did come home and tell).

Now I had a lot of sympathy with that boy because I knew about his difficult home circumstances; the last thing I wanted was for him to be excluded or side-lined. But that didn't help ds - he was still just as frightened. So it took some tactful handling from the school and us and the other parents to make sure everybody got their needs met.

But I am afraid I would have found that difficult if the other parents had dismissed ds as a "little darling". The reason it worked because we were all concerned for each other's children.

Your dd needs support to control her emotions and the other children need support to know how to handle it when anyone is being hurt or frightened (go and tell an adult at once). Good support will be to the benefit of all concerned. But it may be that the other parents feel they are not getting that from the school.

'comply and conform' - what an absolutely depressing attitude towards a little girl who is struggling to find her way in the world. you, presumably, would be one of the parents hoiking their bosom and ringing around all the other parents to organise a petition and pass judgement ?
OP, the incidents you describe do not warrant the way your daughter is being treated. It's no wonder the kids are being spiteful to her, if this is how the parents behave

theeslovely this parent does seem to think that others 'little darlings' should accept this. That dismissive description shows her contempt for they and their children's feelings. I agree nobody would choose to have a child with behavioural problems and also its very very sad. But that does NOT make it right or acceptable for their children to be hurt, scared or upset.

What a smug middle class post married white. I am stunned you suggest the op takes her daughter to a less yummy mummy school where "they are more experienced in dealing with children with complex difficulties". In other words please take her away from our lovely middle class school so we don't have to help and support her. My own dd who has severe SEN attends a lovely middle class primary but luckily the other parents are proud that their children help to support and befriend my dd as they recognise their children are learning about tolerance and respect for others.

I can see that you are upset and rightly so if you have proof of wrong doing by the parents who have discussed your DD....if the school are by-standing over this then that is totally wrong and they should be doing something to help stop this.

without the details it is too difficult to comment on whether them chatting because they are friends about 2/3 incidents between their DC's and your DD...I can't say whether it is unfair or not.
If there have been incidents then I'm sorry it will be discussed....it's whether it is unfair judging and nastiness going on or whether these parents have been aware of an issue and have talked about it...you may well find that a chat with one of them to explain a little about the difficulties you are having and finding difficult....it may allow people to be more understanding and supportive...maybe?...

I do understand this sort of discrimination and it is a very painful thing to go through

((HUG))

my DD got hit on her broken arm quite hard by a child with SN. Ah lovely child who has some difficulties in controlling her behaviour some times. Would I exclude that lovely child from a class party? no? and why not? because the reason for her behaviour is visible and we know she needs to feel and be included.

So, when a 7yo who has no visible SN, nothing that is outwardly obvious, when a 7yo hurts another child. We presume 'little shit, he isn't coming to my DDs party, even though he did not hit my DD but hit another child and I heard by so and so who told so so and so'. Why? why presume that a 7yo is a little shit or a negative child or bad influence or bad and not worthy of inclusion?

Lots of people are saying 'but she has hurt other children so those parents have a right to be upset' but they would be less upset if OPs child had an obvious SN, they would be more 'oh thats ok, we understand she does not mean/understand'.

So, why do people need the full facts to make those decisions. Why should the OP have to divulge personal information about her child's traumatic start in life to get that same support.

Why not presume that a 7yo does not behave badly due to personality and there might be other things going on that is none of their business.

Our own behaviours are seen by our children, so when we treat children badly because of our sense of injustice towards our children, then our children learn that behaviour too. If we bully, and exclude, our children will do the same. then children like the OPs does not stand a chance.

Fantastic post cory

that's it? 2 small incidents?

1. you have valid reasons to feel upset about negative gossip about your child, even if your DD is an active psycho; any normal parent would be upset.

2. I can't believe it's just those 2 small incidents. Lots of kids get up to petty violence. Has to be more than that to it, or else they are psycho bitch parents from Hell.

3. I disagree with statements about firm boundaries is all she needs; the problem with a child like OP's is that their brains aren't wired up right (neurologically damaged by their awful start in life), it takes a lot more sensitivity than firm boundaries to get the best out of them.

You didn't answer my question about how often does teacher collar you to discuss a behaviour problem.

How many times has your DD been excluded for a behaviour problem?

Does your DD have a Statement of SEN & actual helper/funding? (Heard a horror story about how meaningless Statemented status is, today)

Fantastic post cory

I will second that

You don't have a whole class party but not invite one child, you just don't. It's very bad, form. I don't care how much of a terror a child is, if you feel the need to invite the whole class and are nervous about one child, you ask that parent to stay at the party. If your child doesn't like one child, you explain to your child you can't invite most of the class and exclude one. (I had to have this very conversation with my Y2 DD - who at 6, nearly 7 didn't see a problem with it, until I asked her how she would feel).

I think you should confront the ring leader of these mothers and ask her directly why your DD wasn't invited.

You sound like a lovely mum, thereslovely, your DD is very lucky to have you as her mum.

I would work on 1:1 relationships at the moment.

Invite a child round to play. Invite the parent to come in for a cup of tea and a chat.
You don't have to tell them she's adopted, but you will show them how you manage her behaviour at home, how she is parented will usually allieviate fears that your dd will hurt their child.

OP It is a difficult one. Firstly in DD's last school there were two children (sisters) who were adopted. Thier parents were very open about the situation both with the children and with the community at large, they too had issues, they were never discriminated against because of thier adoption but it did allow parents to make allowances, and generally be supportive towards the adoptive parents. I do think that if people had not known they may have been less tolerant of the sister's often trying behaviour, which when unexplained was sometimes troubling or irritating to others.

If a child is being singled out, then there is clearly something going on. If I were you I'd be working on finding out what the issue is. Sometimes just a gentle tweak or two could help steer her in the right direction, and like others have suggested working on fostering relationships with children in the class through one on one play dates etc, and managing those situations, keeping on top of things and making sure that she is playing well and not furthering issues.

You do also have to look at it from the POV of the other kids. If there is a child who is causing upset in some manner it can be very difficult to be told you HAVE to have this child at your party. I'll admit to having done this to DD in the past, made her invite a troublesome child to her party as otherwise he'd have been the only one left out and his trouble was due to his parent's breaking up and the upset it caused him. I felt sorry for the poor mite. He completely ruined DD's birthday party, she ended up crying in a corner. His parent did nothing to control him and it was awful. So I can sympathise with both sides. Of course you feel hurt she was left out and it was wrong of the school to allow changing for parties in school. But would you ruin your child's special day for the sake of avoiding another child's frustration? I'm not sure I would again. But then I think that was the last party I'd invite the whole class to.