to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

QuickLookBusy. even the unhelpful posts are helpful.
This is how many parents actually feel when faced with a conflict between their child's discomfort or distress and another child's needs, and the fallout of those needs not being met.
It's the unvarnished truth. What parents really think.
Which is why the majority of parents who have children with demanding SN can often count true friends on one hand.
It's easy to be compassionate and pitying until something actually affects your own family. Then it often all stops, and the distress or anger of your own child outweighs all other considerations. Not for everyone, but certainly the majority of parents I have met.

I agree the unhelpful posts allow everyone to quickly spot the people with little empathy.

What I don't understand is how these people think that two incidents can justify the bullying and exclusion of a seven year old.

Because they're morons?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head there saintlyjimjams

They justify it on the grounds of
'I put my child first, sorry if that's not good enough for you'
'She will learn that if she isn't nice then she won't get invited to parties'
'I don't understand what a child like that is doing here, there are other places better suited to her sort'
I'm not bullying and excluding, I'm protecting my child'
There are 1,001 ways for a parent to rationalise their behaviour to themselves.

"No evidence whatsoever that the teacher has behaved improperly, all supposition."

well from what OP has posted the teacher certainly has not acted as she should in these circumstances.

I'm adopted... You can't use that as an excuse forever

And if she does behave badly then to say 'oh she is adopted' is annoying to adopted people who do behave but have a bad reputation.

Well the reality is it is harder to be around children with challenging behaviours because you do have to get off your arse and supervise more. Many people feel they 'shouldn't have to. So they don't. Not that OP's dd sounds hugely challenging.

The ones that can cope are worth their weight in gold though :) ime it isn't worth trying to 'educate' - people either 'get it' or they don't - seek out the ones that do.

I think that you have to stop worrying about it and concentrate on the positives and helping her make friends and helping her maintain friendships.

OP, I read this post last night and didn't comment but I have seen it again this morning. I absolutely feel for your child and to have a childhood so broken and terrible is beyond the comprehension of what most of these unhelpful judegmental posters on this thread could ever imagine. At least she now has a lovely mum and the stable life which EVERY child deserves. The point people are missing here is that their children are happy, stable and well looked after. Maybe they should walk a mile in yours/her shoes and then come back and make their cold heartless comments on this thread as if life is just black and white. I found some of the comments so sickening it's actually put me off this forum completely. I don't have any advice as I have never been in your situation and my DD is very young so haven't had to experience the whole school situation yet but I did have a pretty bad childhood myself and I just want to send you and your daughter HUGS xx

lisaro Tue 17-Jul-12 21:55:15
"A couple of parents on here seem more concerned with being 'understanding and accepting' than they are with their own child's well being. At cist to their pwn children. How the hell do you live with yourselves?"

Because we know our child's wellbeing depends on other people. Because s/he will not be living her/his life in a bubble. Because as an adult s/he will only be as safe as the people around her.

The little boy who used to knock my ds round got help and eventually got over his problems; they became firm friends. An adopted relative of mine grew out of his violent behaviour, thanks to the support of the people around him, and is now a loving father and husband. This means everybody, including my own children, is a lot safer than they would otherwise have been. The world has become a safer place.

Condemning and excluding would hardly have helped either of those boys to grow up into the caring and controlled people. Nor would wishy-washy acceptance. Proper loving support and understanding did the trick- but over a period of years, not instantly. Should we say it was better not to have put that effort in?

As I said, the world has become a safer place as far as those two individuals are concerned. I can live with that quite happily.

please dont worry tht your daughter hasnt been invited to a party, dont let them get the better of you, people can be very blinkered when it comes to protecting their children.
i have a 7yr old son who has SEN and is disruptive towards other children, i know other mums talk about me/him aswell, i guess its just natural they dont see why my son should take up the teachers time etc when their children are so angelic and perfect.
there is going to be a little anomosity, i think its part of life.
please talk to the school about how you are feeling, also why dont you try and join in with things like the PTFA that way you can make some friendships with the other mums.
Do you feel awful when its time to take your daughter to school or attend school events? i know i did, and its a case of bitting the bullet holding your head high and thinking sod them they dont know my child, i do and know they are great!!!

When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes.

Parties seem to cause such problems-I didn't even like them when I was that age and certainly not if it wasn't a very close friend. Another reason why it is better to have very small ones.

The truth, at that age, is that children will avoid other children who hurt or who are unpredictable in their behaviour. At 7 yrs you don't ask yourself why the DC is like that. Much better to accept that she had a difficult start in life and start small-a party isn't the place. One to one is the best starting place-in your own home and work up.

Proper loving support and understanding did the trick- but over a period of years, not instantly.

Accept that you are in for a rocky ride but that it will be worth it in the end. It is going to take time-keep at it-small beginnings first and build up.

I have been on both sides of this OP.

My DS has had a very disfunctional start in life and sadly has been both bullied and been a bully.

There is one lad in particular that made DS's life hell, and I know a lot about his own troubled back ground.
My loyalty was always predominantly with DS, but I have also tried very hard to be a responsible adult and be clear with this lad that he was welcome in our home as long as his behaviour was appropriate to DS, as at the core of the relationship, they are friends.

Of course any parent will feel protective of their own child, but I also feel that we can share a role in helping children with difficulties more than sometimes we perhaps do.

But on the other side, I have been very realistic with DS when it is him that was in the wrong, and spent hours talking to him about how people feel just the same as him, as he seemed to struggle for a very long time with empathy.

A child with Emotional issues is in some way one with SN, they both have to learn how to 'function' in groups, but also perhaps be given the space to learn social mannerisms that a lot of children just take for granted. Because this Little girls issues will certainly not improve if she is ostracised.
Perhaps without going into detail you could express to these parents that you are aware that DD is struggling to fit in, but that their patience would be appreciated.

My DS and this boy are now very close friends, DS always had the say about how this lad fitted into his life but I am glad I stuck to my guns, because the lad's life is still very troubled, and he knows he is welcome at ours any time, as long as he respects how we 'behave' at our.

EnthusiasticTroll upthread I provided evidence of the teacher NOT having behaved improperly, you say she did, but provide no evidence. Care to get on this?

Kanyo that is silly, adoptees are as variable as any other group. Adoption is not an 'excuse' the child's circumstances have led to her having attachment disorder. This is a special need, a real life changing condition.

Anyone dim enough to think the behaviour of an adopted 7 year old ,with a sn condition reflected on them as an adopted adult would not be worth bothering with.

"care to get on this" . get on what?

I have also given my opinion as to why the teacher has not acted as she should have, which is also what your evidence is. It is meerly opinion, you have no evidence, the only person who has evidence of any thing is the OP and those directly involved.

I disagree with what you are saying, it is allowed. form what the op has posted, the teachers intervention here has to be tell op of two incidents, that parents are calling each other up about her child. In my opinion that is not acting properly.

Frankieandarthur and cory, I think your posts are lovely.

If we are being honest...

DS2 has 2 friends with SN (Autism and Aspergers). Both boys are quite aggressive, and have often hurt DS. DS is kind of tough, and very forgiving, and has a lot of empathy (he is nicer than I am). He is friends with one of them, mainly because he noticed nobody else would play with this boy.

Now, obviously we invite both boys to birthday parties. However, I always hope they won't come, as they always hurt a child (or a few), and it ALWAYS ends in tears.

So, sorry, that is how I feel. I know it's not nice to invite someone, praying they won't accept...

I like DS to chose his own friends, but every time he gets strangled or stamped on his head, or pushed off the stairs, we take a break for a bit.

I don't really know what the solution is. I don't really like my child getting hurt.

I don't like the parents in the OP ganging up, but I also think the OP needs to understand that other parents feel equally protective of THEIR DC as she does of hers. And by belittling their concerns ("little darlings") she achieves the opposite.

You can't interfere. Sorry but it wouldn't help your DD at all. Was it really all the other children that were invited? It doesn't sound like it is from what you said. And if not it isn't really all that dreadful - very few kids get invited to every party. If she has been behaving really badly (you don't explain what she does) you can't expect people to make allowances as they don't know her past. Parents can be very protective of their children sometimes unfairly so.

How do you know they have been ringing each other up? Did the teacher tell you this?

Sorry for your little girl I think the best thing you can do is speak to the teacher and ask advice. So you have a SENCO at your school?

" not that she was left out but that the school partook in it by allowing changing facilities when one child was left out" To be fair how was the teacher to know? Kids would have turned up with their party clothes and left them on their peg presumably. Once they were all there changing she couldn't exactly turf them out. If a parent asked if it was OK she could have said no but I doubt she was even consulted.

and just for the record you provided a possible scenareo of what the teacjers involvement was, hardley evidance. I have commented on what appears to be the teachers lack of effective communication and intervention. But that of course is opinion based on what the Op have posted.

Troll, you still have not said WHAT the teacher did that was wrong, only that she was wrong. That is not evidence, it is only opinion.

I proposed a scenario which could account, quite reasonably, for the teacher's actions. Please re-read the post. No-one has said this is unlikely.

I really don't understand your last paragraph.

Read my posts ffs