to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

OP could you maybe arrange to see the teacher for five minutes after each school day to find out if your DD was involved in any trouble during the day,no matter how small? It may give you a clearer view of exactly whats going on in the classroom.
I also think the teacher was way out of line to be disclosing any other parents action to you.

Could you organise a few kids from school to come for a play date? It would give you a chance to see how she is around them and how they react to her.

Personally I think the crux of the problem is the schools non-reaction. The OP has little idea of her DD behaviour towards other children but the children seem to be going home and telling their parents. Its completly natural for a parent to want to protect their child from another child that hurts or frightens them just like the OP wants to protect hers from being isolated.

Calling the children 'Little Darlings' is not a mature or reasonable way to deal with this. You are labelling children in a negative way,you wouldn't want your DD labelled 'Naughty' .

I posted on this thread because I did talk about the dcs behaviour to the other mums (my friends). I think that is OK. It wasn't bitching or a witch hunt.

I /dd invited him to her party. It was a whole of year party, they were all invited.

I suppose my response to the op is that even if people are discussing her behaviour it doesn't mean that they don't want a good outcome for your dd, just that they don't want their dc to be hurt by the lack of parenting. Not your parenting OP. I hope that things work out for you and your dd.

it just seemed a bit irrelevent to say what he did to your dd and possibly very upsetting for op to read that at the moment when she already feels her dd is being vilafied.

I think it could have come across as scaremongering. probably not your intention, but thats what it seemed like.

A left over from John Major.

'We should condemn a little more and understand a little less'.

Bequem. That is horrible, I am so sorry that happened to your daughter. I can't imagine. (And if you didn't feel you could tell your dh then I don't see why that's anyone else's business?!) I do think that this situation is a bit different though. In your case the boy seems to have been singling out your daughter & someone at school should have stepped in because it was clearly become very unhealthy. (Going by the attitudes of parents on this thread perhaps nobody else cared because they were just glad it was you daughter & not theirs?) In the OP's case though it seems like it's her daughter who is being singled out, and there is nothing to suggest she is capable of doing any real harm to these other children.

I'd be happy for them to go to my Dc's party. They aren't my kids so I don't have to listen to things like 'innit, mush, chav, chaudy' everyday :)

As long as my dc wasn't bullied for not using words like that... As it happens I still don't use the local slang gibberish

thereslovely It's unfortunate that your dc is being excluded from parties - do the other parents allow their children to go to your dc's parties? If so then they should be happy to have your dc to their dc's party

Could you get your dc interested in a club/group so she could make some friends out of school?

Op it's absolutely vile to invite the whole class but leave One child out.

However I always allow my children to invite who they choose to parties( as adults choose who they invite) to insist on them inviting a certain child they don't like or want is bizarre behaviour. However I always capped the party to 10 anyway.

In response to your dds behaviour I would call a meeting with school and find out exactly the situation and how to help her integrate.

You may have to mount a charm offensive on her behalf and have lots of play dates.

OP - I hope you are still there.

How cruel of your fellow school mums. We have an almost identical situation at my DCs school (also v middle class) and my child was hurt by the child who is currently fostered [and has behavioural issues].

I didn't know of this little child's past and was initually angry that my DC had been hurt. However, once I found out, I couldn't think of being anything but sympathetic towards a child who had clearly had such a wretched start. I am totally in awe of foster and adoptive parents who take on such huge tasks and love so unconditionally. I really feel for the parents of this little girl who are probably judged to be bad parents, through no fault of their own.

Most people in our school know of this little girl's start and I have noticed she and her parents are treated kindly on the whole.

(I also think it was a good thing for my child to understand that they weren't really the victim in this situation, that the little girl had little control over her emotional outbursts, and that sometimes we have to work with people that have difficult pasts and don't behave as you might expect).

I really hope that you begin to see a bit of kindness from the school your DD is at.

By the way - I also think the things your daughter did are really quite minor.

I think you are being unreasonable sorry OP.

When you invite someone to a party, they give a present in exchange for childs attendance. There are no other strings attached.

Secondly, when children reach 7 years, parties often change in form and the kids generally only invite the kids they get on with. Why should they invite a child someone who isn't nice to them? Bullies them? You mustn't back up her behavior if she needs pulling into line. Use this experience to help her see that her behavior is putting others off. It will be a hard lesson but could help her in the long run.

Thirdly, I think it's acceptable for parents to discuss an issue over the phone if it is effecting their own children. They are entitled to protect their kids and seek resolve. Discussing an issue isn't the same as having a witch hunt. Is it worth talking directly to the parents and saying that child is finding things hard at the moment and that you are working issues through with the school and that you fully back the school.

Hopefully things will get better for you and child. In the meantime, try and strike up some good relationships with people who seem more approachable and have receptive kids.

why would she need to say she is fully support the school?

I think freebirdsflying has given you some great advice and I hope you can find some peaceful outcomes

Bequem - I'm so sorry to hear that about your dd, I hope she is ok x

OP

I suggest that you might need to grow a harder skin as I can not see it getting better really.

Kids with additional needs are often picked out and picked on, usually by parents and sometime not without good reason.

My son is gorgeous, funny and intelligent but he's also high functioning autistic with challenging behaviour.

Not invited to a party? Christ he joined a school and 2 parents took their children out of school based on having met him in previous setting and a couple of incidents. The mum ring leading that one is a pure through and through bitch... not only did she engage another parent to remove their child but she solicited support in the playground to the point where the other mums ended up giving me a chance because she annoyed them so much... but I digress because the reason she is a bitch is because I had the displease of meeting her about a year later... I passed the time of day with her as her son and mine were chatting and she pointed out to me that she had removed her son because of 'him' (pointing at my son) in full view of my then 7year old.

Now... a few years on, greyer and wiser....

Your school is probably not being honest with you about the incidents... you see when they have a child with challenging behaviour they have to do handling plans, risk assessments, pay for ed psychs, do IEP, offer behaviour management...

And they probably can't be arsed and if you are taking the flax from the other parents then so much the better.

If she is adopted then you are in luck - there is a HUGE amount of money being ploughed into supporting these children and schools can access it. Do a bit of research on the county council website under adopted children & LAC (looked after child). If no luck then I would defo try to get a CAMHS referral from the GP... you should be accepted no nonsense because your DD is adopted.

Get the support even if you are managing because if school arent then it will eventually spill into home plus you can 'help' the school by 'offering' for them to access the support you have obtained.

As for the parents... well i became friends with the ladies in my son's school... How? I was always upfront about my son's issues and how I dealt with them. I agreed with them that it was totally unacceptable that their children had to put up with my son's behaviour, that the class were suffering because of attention detracted from their kids to my son and I implored them to complain to the school that my son needed to be better supported to benefit everyone. I also explained a little about his diagnosis and how some really simple strategies could help IF they were applied.

The parents supported us 100%....

The school didnt... but that is another story.

You have a long road ahead OP... attachment disorders are 'tricky' and need professional support. I admire your love and determination for your daughter and believe her to be a lucky young lady with you as her mummy x

Hoping you're still reading:

You are dealing with at least one parent who is not very nice.
You are dealing with a teacher who is not doing a very good job.

It is not unusual for parents to get together and discuss the behaviour of a child who is reported by their children to be rough or not getting along with children in the class in general.

You are doing no favours to your child by excusing her behaviour and you are asking a lot if you think others should turn the other cheek.

Even though you may be short on resources, it behoves you to stop waiting around for public services for your child and look for help privately. Time is precious and waiting for referrals, etc., will backfire on your child.

Do not try to shame anyone by revealing the fact that your DD was adopted. This is an immature thought of yours and it is not advocacy for your child. It is about you and not about her best interests.

(Not all adopted children have behavioural problems or attachment disorders. I know six girls adopted from Chinese orphanages, one a relative of my own, and all are well-adjusted and doing fine in school.)

Try to separate your feelings from those of your child. You need to be the grown up here in order to best help and support her. You will find teachers and other professionals dealing with children will respond much better to you if you show signs of being able to see things from different perspectives and not over-involved emotionally. You need to grow a thicker skin as Doris says, so no more 'little darlings'.
(I have 5 DCs and at one stage or another every one of them has found him or herself not invited to a party. It sucked for each one of them. They all lived to tell the tale and so did I.)

You need to develop a good relationship with the teacher and get much more frequent feedback from her about your DD. The teacher is not behaving in a helpful or professional way here, but you will need to set that aside and work with her all the same.

Socknickingpixie -- excellent post.
I have a cousin who was always 'the one that got caught'. He didn't have the smarts to sense when things were going that little bit too far or getting that little bit too loud, the one still laughing when the teacher reappeared. He didn't do anything mean or hurtful, just couldn't resist the distraction of fun.

It is well worth getting to the absolute bottom of what has been going on. You will learn a lot about the level of attention the teacher pays and the level of supervision the class is getting when you start dealing more frequently with the teacher. It may be that there is some winding up going on and equally it may well be that your DD is the one pulling the first punch here. Try to keep your cool and keep your eyes and ears open. Stick to what is relevant in the classroom setting, and don't stray off course into discussion of the other parents, party invitations, etc. Ask the teacher lots of questions in a neutral and non-judgey way and non-accusing tone. You need to come across as someone trying her best to make things better for everyone.

At the same time, you need to get the help for your DD that she needs as a matter of priority.

my 7yr old son can be very disruptive in class and on the playground towards other pupils, sometimes down right evil, he will run up to them and grab them swing them around, pull their coats, sometimes its so bad my daughter who is also at the school dreads him going out at play time.
I know beacause of his special needs some of the other mums dont think he should be at the school because of the impact on their children and added time the teachers have to spend with him. i offer to see any parents who children have been hurt or upset by my son to apologise, however so far the school hasnt needed me to do this they sort it out themselves.
i know tht he also doesnt get invited to most parties, but who cares!! its part of life for everyone, but if you feel the school encouraged any singling out then i would have a word with them to tell them it wasnt exceptable.
have you tried to get involved with activities at school..PTFA?. maybe you need to make some friendships with the other mums?

i have a 7yr old son who is disruptive in the classroom and the playground pulling childrens coats and running up to them pulling them around being generally a bit rough n boisterous so much so tht my older daughter hates playtimes with him.
he doesnt mean to upset anyone because of his SEN he acts a bit like a 2yr old but in a 7yr olds body.
I know the other mums talk about him/me but you have to try and understand their point of view aswell, i know it must be frustrating for them to think that my son is taking more time from the teacher etc.
I always offer to chat and apologise to the other parents if the school has told me tht son has upset/hurt another child, but so far they sort it out themselves.
it is a constant battle to show him the correct way to behave and to make him understand emotional awareness..

please dont worry if your daughter isnt invited to parties i think thts just part of life, but if you think tht the school has encouraged any singling out then i would def have a word with them or the school governors, have you spoken to the school about how your feeling?
maybe you could get involved in the PTFA? this way the other mums would get to know you better.

Being beaten or raped or witnessing atrocities does not make inflicting similar harm on others acceptable.

How the hell are you suposed to know what is acceptable if you have never experienced it? If you think all the things greenblue has explained is normal then hitting is not just accceptable but normal.

OP
Sorry there is not much I can add, I cannot give advice but I can tell you about being 8/9 and having an adopted child come into the class. The boy was in the process of being adopted by the teacher of the year below us, so she couldn't exactly not tell us her child was adopted, it was a small village so a new face was noticable.

We thought it was incredibly cool. We all got excited about him changing his name, because non of us had done that, and it was exciting.

Whether you disclose adoption to the other mothers / children is up to you and your daughter, and once done cannot be taken back, but it might not be a terrible thing.

Smacks of bullying parents to me So you would invite a badly behaved child to your child's birthday party? I wouldn't. Supervised or not. Parties can be stressful as it is, why add to that? When I have a party, I want everyone to be able to enjoy themselves, not be worried that they might get hit/hurt. And just because I don't invite them, it does not mean I think they are a little shit AT ALL! I simply DO NOT want the stress of worrying someone may get hurt & explaining that to another parent who trusted me to care for their child.

I have told my dd that she isn't allowed to invite a certain girl (C) to her party because she (C) is the class bully & a couple of girls won't show up if she comes (they are 7,8,9 so it is not a silly tit for tat thing). My daughter did go to (C's) party & they are friends (in a round about way, when C decides that my daughter is good enough, or when no one wants to play with C) but I won't tolerate that behaviour in my home & subject my dd & her friends to it. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear op, but parties need to be fun, where kids can play & laugh...not times when people are dreading the behaviour of one child.

The child is 7. I doubt very much she's been torturing the other kids 7 year olds can be pretty horrible. The son of a friend (he was 6 at the time) cut one girls hair (a huge pony tail - took the majority of it off), squirted glue in anotehr boys mouth (under the guise have a sweet for him "close your eyes & open your mouth). Constantly threw anything that the kids were playing with on the roof (daily his father would up a ladder on the school roof at home time rescuing various balls/toys) & once wiped his muddy shoes on his classmates bag because 'he wasn't allowed to wear dirty shoes in the classroom" Not torturing, but enough to make sure he was excluded form an awful lot of parties/playdates. I stopped inviting him rounds after he found an ink stamp & stamped all over dds wall with it. Then kicked her door because I asked him to clean it up.

What did you do with regards to the incidents, op? If that was my child I would talk to the parents, apologise profusely. My youngest dd was attacked in the playground while we waited for her sister to come out. The mother was there, but she tried to scurry into a class room & hide from me. There was NO apology, nothing & that bothered me more than the fact that her daughter had hurt my child. Because kids do get silly & hit out, but you out it right, you say sorry, you address it with your child. If they haven't seen/aren't aware of you doing this, they may feel that (wrongly) you don't give a damn about she did.

You cannot make excuses just because she has had a bad start in life
The op isn't making excuses though. She's explaining the reason behind her daughter's bad behaviour Granted. But the other parents aren't armed with this info are they? They don't know her background & don't know that allowances should/could be made. They just see who she is. If the op had never said her daughter was adopted, I wonder what replies she would have had, would they have been different, I wonder.

The parents are blind to this, we can be compassionate because we know why the op's dd acts how she does.

What a depressing thread

thereslovely - looking at the situation with Spock-like logic there are two possibilities here. Either your DD's teacher is underplaying the situation to you (although that would be peculiar) and there are serious incidents upsetting the other parents which you can't help deal with until you actually know about them - or the parents are whipping themselves into a froth based on - I don't know. Snobbery? Her not having the right accent? Some sort of intuitive sense that she's not quite the same as the others? In which case they're behaving like pack animals and that needs stamping on.

Either way, I think you need to ask for a meeting with the teacher and the headteacher and any other relevant staff and have this out. Make it clear you're less than impressed with the party situation - not that she was left out but that the school partook in it by allowing changing facilities when one child was left out. Tell them you need to know exactly what is prompting all this. If this is a lot of smoke with no actual fire you need to tell them you need the school's support to squash it. No bullying means no whole-class-and-parents bullying of your DD just as much as it should mean no bullying by any individual pupil of another pupil.

I don't have school age children so if someone comes along later and says I'm being naive / ill-informed they're probably right though. Courage and strength x

I thought the OP had already seen the teacher, which is why she knows about the complaints.

No evidence whatsoever that the teacher has behaved improperly, all supposition.

Some very good advice from longtailjosie. The parents for whatever reason sound bonkers and you're much better dealing with the school (although there might be some sane ones within the class - do look for the ones who have kids with SN - they are fairly likely to have been isolated at some stage by other parents - either by circumstance or more rarely intention so may well be supportive).

Getting head involved can be a good idea. My middle son has had a pretty awful year on account of one boy(no issues afaik) - and we were able to sort it out with teacher plus head. Didn't go muttering to other parents.

Also does your dd have a particular friend you could invite around? Ds3 formed a very strong friendship this year with a boy who has SN and challenging behaviours - ds3 adores him. His teacher said she had been surprised - think she called it 'the unlikely friendship' but she thought it had been good for both of them (ds1 is severely autistic so ds3 did not notice there was anything different about his friend - he honestly has no idea, although was very accepting of his behaviours - unusually for ds3 - so perhaps he did notice in some way). It might be worth asking the teacher whether there's anyone she has a bit of a bond with to encourage that. Ds3 would love to see his friend at any time!

There are some seriously nasty unhelpful posts on this thread.

The facts are that the teacher has said there have been TWO incidents. And from that posters have decided this 7 year old deserves to be bullied by adults.

I hope you're all proud of your disgraceful comments.

thereslovely please don't take this thread to heart, you sound a lovely person and are trying your best for your dd. There is some good advice amongst the nastiness so please take it. You have to make an appointment to see the teacher and get to the bottom of this. The school can't stop the parents gossiping but they can make certain that your dd is fully supported in school.

longtalljosie your post is spot on.